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I am struggling really hard today. I has been almost 6 months since DDay 1 (EA), and about 2 months since DDay 3 (PA). WH is doing all the right things, but he is going to a bachelor party this weekend. He is in his cousin’s wedding, and they are renting a house for the weekend at a busy lake nearby that is known for partying. He will be there with his dad, but my fear is completely taking over.

He says he will do whatever I need, so I can feel comfortable, but I don’t even know what to ask for. I have access to the phone records and he has Find my iphone turned on. He says he will check in with me, which seems like all he can do. Is there anything that I am missing…do any of you have suggestions of things he could possibly do to give more reassurance that everything is ok?

2 months post PA Dday?

He says he will check in with me, which seems like all he can do.

No - he could just not go.

Less than 3 months ago you found a burner phone. I am sorry but it is completely insane for him to even ASK YOU if he could go to this.

Does his dad know?

The EA/PA ended in March. The burner phone was used during that time, but not after (he brought the phone home and I went through it) but I just found out in June that it was a PA. So, I guess technically we are about 5 months out from him going NC. Not very long at all.

His dad does know. He has been one of my biggest emotional supports during this. Him going makes me feel maybe a little better, but I also know that he was doing all of this right in front of my brother without him knowing, so he is good at being sneaky.

With the way he has been since we started R, I feel like there probably isn't anything to worry about, but its still there in the back of my mind.

**Edited to add more info about DDays

[This message edited by FairyTaleGone at 4:08 PM, Tuesday, August 17th]

But you just found out about the PA 2 months ago. It is still so fresh for you. I would not be comfortable with it at that point no matter who was there. If it is making you this stressed out then why not just tell him you would rather he not go? That is not an unreasonable request.

With the way he has been since we started R, I feel like there probably isn't anything to worry about, but its still there in the back of my mind.

I think you should view this as an exercise for yourself in letting go of control. You can't control his behavior whether he's home or away, he's doing what he can to help you feel better about him going, and you feel pretty okay about what he's been doing to rebuild trust.

Sitting on top of the WS isn't R. Showing that you see that he's trying to be trustworthy and you're willing to try trusting him is R.

Sitting on top of the WS isn't R. Showing that you see that he's trying to be trustworthy and you're willing to try trusting him is R.

Is going to a bachelor party 2 months post dday when your wife is "struggling hard" R?

I personally wouldn’t be ok with this. I would ask him not to go. Sucks that actions have consequences, but they do. If he wanted to be the trust worthy husband who gets to do all the things, he shouldn’t have cheated. He did, so he doesn’t. Not so soon after the A. Not after continuing to TT. He hasn’t even begun to refill the trust bucket, and a bachelor party weekend isn’t the way to go about it IMO.

Anyways, your feelings are normal and completely valid. It’s ultimately your decision if you put your foot down on this one or not. Sometimes our fears are irrational and we do go a bit control crazy. I’ve certainly been there and done that. I don’t think that’s what’s happening here at all.

ummm...really? Trustworthy? at 2 months out and still being contacted by the crazy OW.

I really think you are putting too much pressure on yourself here to prove that you are Reconciliation when you haven't even had enough time in RECOVERY.

It's COMPLETELY ACCEPTABLE for him to NOT go to the damn Bachelor party and its completely ACCEPTABLE for you to not trust HIM, not want to trust him right now.

This isn't R...this is RECOVERY. and while you are RECOVERY the goal is to stop the bleeding... not inflict new wounds. This is upsetting to you...so its inflicting a new wound. He should stay home.

FTG, do you not want him to go? I didn't get that from your post. It sounded to me like you think he should go, but it makes you nervous.

[This message edited by 13YearsR at 5:31 PM, Tuesday, August 17th]

Edited because I found what I was looking for in the healing library.

[This message edited by 13YearsR at 5:20 PM, Tuesday, August 17th]

What's the difference? Serious question.

Recovery doesn't necessarily include moving forward together. It is healing as best you can from the trauma that was inflicted.

The affair was still happening (I didn't know about it yet) when the bachelor party was planned, so at the time I was fine with it completely. After DDay, we didn't talk about much other than our current situation, so it didn't actually come up until a few weeks ago. At that time I was okay with it, it wasn't until this morning when we talked about it on the way to work and he was detailing what they were going to do that I got that sinking feeling in my stomach.

He is putting in the work to make R possible, and hasn't given me any reasons (lately) to question his authenticity, so I feel like I am possibly making a mountain out of a mole-hill or something. Like, maybe I am being too hyper-vigilant and controlling.

@13YearsR I don't really think that is a fair question. At 2 months out and still being harassed by the OW, I am sure FTG is desperate for things to be normal...like they use to be before he did this to their life.
I am sure she wants to go back to her life where she could trust her husband to go this party.
But its not. And her need to feel secure is at the top of the list right now...even if SHE can't articulate it.

2 years out and him putting in the work to be better...then yeah she may need to manage her own emotions around him going to a party. But 2 months out...nervous is the nice way of saying she is scared as hell and feeling insecure. And at 2 months out that for him to MANAGE by staying home.

Sigh. It's been a while since I was up to my ass in affair alligators. Y'all are right: Two months is no time. I think my above advice is more suitable for someone who's further down the recovery path.

Like, maybe I am being too hyper-vigilant and controlling.

You aren't.

And you are allowed to change your mind about this. Why should you sit around all weekend with your stomach in knots worried about this? I would think he would jump at the opportunity to show you that he is willing to miss this to set your mind at ease.

You are allowed to ask for things. And he should be doing the heavy lifting.

FTG are you afraid that if he thinks your controlling it will push him away?

@13YearsR I don't really think that is a fair question

What's not a fair question? This?

BS, do you not want him to go? I didn't get that from your post. It sounded to me like you think he should go, but it makes you nervous.

I think it's valid. Maybe she's straddling the fence between not wanting him to go but not wanting to disappoint the cousin, or something like that.