SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks for Reading

I'll try to keep this brief because I know these can get long.

I'm 39 and a new mom of a beautiful baby girl who is 9 months old. My first marriage - in my 20s - ended because my husband cheated. Which is why I knew of this forum.

I met my new partner in Feb of 2019, he was recently divorced and our relationship progressed quickly. I did know his first marriage ended due to his infidelity - which made me really hesitate getting involved. Long story short, he was in counseling, said he had been unhappy a long time - that's not who he wanted to be, blah blah blah. He was super forth coming about it all. So I decided to progress with the relationship as he was showing and doing all the right things.

Fast forward - we bought a house in Jan 2020, found out I was pregnant that March, right when Covid hit. Our baby was born in November 2020, initially we had some major health scares - but it looks like she'll be ok now. Just know that postpartum was very real - as was the real fear of Covid, and I have been moved to part time at work due to the pandemic and trying to take care of the baby since I can't get a nanny for her until she's vaccinated. Its been a hard year.

I found out in April that my partner was still involved with a woman the whole time we were togther. I found out by finding pictures on the iPad. He visited her (she lives out of state) a couple of times when we were first together - and then for a full week when I was 6 months pregnant (he told me he was seeing a friend for a guys trip).

He says: they never slept together while we were together - he was always to weak to end relationships and it was something that went on longer then it should have. He didn't sleep together or do anything physical when he saw her when I was pregnant - the only reason he went was to 'pacify' her as he was afraid she would come to the house and I'd find out (she did not know about me). But he did end it in Jan 2021 - before I found out (this has been verified with records). He said he didn't love her, he wanted to be with me - and in hindsight he wanted to be ready for a relationship with me but clearly still had his own shit to figure out and it took to long but he got there. He ended it and never wanted to tell me or hurt me, but he's 100 percent dedicated to me and the baby and wants to get married and all of that.

I think I believe him, but it's hard (obviously). He's in IC, we're in couples counseling, he's showing me records, has an app tracking thing on his phone so I can see where he is at all times, very remorseful, etc.

A part of me wants to work it out. I don't want to be a single mom. And sometimes it's the devil you know - ya know? I know he's working on his shit. And I do like our life together - and I do know that we probably rushed into this relationship.

The other part of me is so mad. I wonder if I can ever trust him again. He clearly has a pattern of lying - telling big lies - can someone like that really change?

We've been through a lot together already and we've weathered it all. But I dont know sometimes if I'm still being gaslight... I don't want to make the same mistakes but then here I am. But also a part of me feels stuck, I have a medically fragile child. I can't really work right now. I'm isolated with the pandemic.. am I making the right choices for me? Will I regret this down the line or can we get through this - cause everyone has their shit - and come out the other side?

What ultimatums would you give? Thanks in advance for not telling me I'm naïve, etc. I don't really need to hear that. I know what the reality of it all is - I just don't have anywhere to really turn.

Aw sweetie I am so sorry. Gosh what a lot to deal with along with a new baby! Glad to hear baby is doing better. Have you started IC for yourself? I know you are in MC but IC sounds mandatory for all you are dealing with!!!

He says: they never slept together while we were together

He went out of state to visit her. I know you are so overwhelmed right now. But this for sure doesn't pass the sniff test.

Demand a timeline. Then back it up with a Poly. Let him know you are no longer going to accept lies, and half truths.

Demand he get full STD testing. Again this is putting you back in the power position, and if he didn't sleep with her, he will jump at the chance to prove his truth.

Reach out to your employer, and see if they have an EAP program, and get in with a therapist, and an attorney to learn your rights, and understand your pain.

Demand he get into therapy, and that he deal with his issues, whatever in his brain made it ok to lie to you and to cheat. That's a him issue, not an us issue. He needs to figure his shit out before you can start to rebuild. You have to know he is safe, and doing the work fix it to even consider rebuilding.

Nothing you did or did NOT do caused this. You are strong and brave. Having a medically fragile child is one of the most stressful things a person can deal with. Make sure you are taking time to care for yourself, so that you are there for your child.

Thank you all. I have done the following (and he's complied)

1. Asked for a STD test - he took it, said he wasn't worried since they didn't sleep together - and passed

2. Asked for a full accounting and timeline. We went through phone records and credit card statements

3. I did ask for a polygraph, he said he doesn't want to get one since they aren't always accurate - and then what? Do I just assume he's lying if something looks off? I sorta understand that - they aren't admissible in Court.

4. I have access to all phone records, passcodes for phones, etc. and Life 360 to see where he as at all times.

5. He's in IC and on antidepressants

6. I've looked for my own IC, it's been hard with the pandemic. Many I would go to aren't taking more patients but I'm trying. I do need support.

7. I asked for a sorta reverse prenup - lol. Not like I would use it or need it, but if we were to get married and he messes up again - I get everything.

He's agreed to it all. And says he only wants to be with me and it has been that way for awhile, he said he planned to make it up to me the rest of my life, blah blah blah even if I never found out. He says he doesn't want "credit" for ending it on his own, but he says that should show me that he did end it and has been faithful without me knowing or asking.

He seems committed and remorseful. He has told some friends about it so that they 'keep him accountable' and he says not cause he's afraid he'll cheat but just to continue to build positive people around himself.

Anything more I should ask for?

I did a poly with my WS and he passed. He was questioning the validity at first but I really needed that to feel safe and made it a non negotiable. He did start spilling his guts once it was clear he would be subjected to a poly. He passed and in the end said he was glad he did it, because he didn't have the guts to tell the full story until he felt backed into a corner.

Hi NewMom,

I'm so sorry you're here. I had a pandemic baby too (mine was born in June 2020 so a little before yours). I also have a 3.5 year old. I know how impossible this past 1.5 years has been to be a parent and how incredibly isolating it is for a new mother. I cannot imagine having to have gone through partial job loss and D-Day during it all as well. I hope you're taking care of yourself and that you have good friends and family nearby to help you out. Drink water, eat healthy foods and make sure you have time to exercise (even if its a zoom class) as it will help you to feel good about yourself during a time where that can be tough. Easier said than done, i know.

Gently, you know he isn't telling you the truth. Grownups do not go on trips with one another and not sleep together. It doesn't make sense. You know that. If he was remorseful and was being honest he would be jumping at the chance to take a polygraph to assure you that you know everything and that you can trust what he says going forward. I know that, because my spouse (who is a lawyer and is fully aware of the veracity of a polygraph in court) would have carried me on his back to the nearest polygraph office if he believed that the polygraph would have built even the slightest amount of trust. It is my belief that it is impossible to begin to build back trust until you have the whole truth. Otherwise you do not know what you are trying to forgive.

On paper, despite the fact that he's doing a lot of things right at the moment, the fact that he has cheated on multiple partners is not a great sign. He needs to be doing IC like crazy right now.

NMNA, unfortunately cheaters lie. Cheaters lie when they don't think that they will be found out. Let me ask you this - why would OW be fine with him visiting her but not acting like her boyfriend? What sense does that make when you level it up with his claim that this was a relationship that "went on for too long"? What girlfriend allows a relationship to continue for years without attention and intimacy? Does that sound likely to you?

Have you seen the texts? Have you read messages between them? Did the messages match up with what he has told you?

3. I did ask for a polygraph, he said he doesn't want to get one since they aren't always accurate - and then what? Do I just assume he's lying if something looks off? I sorta understand that - they aren't admissible in Court.

Yes, they're not admissible because the 90%+ accuracy is not good enough for criminal case standards. However, 90%+ is a MUCH higher chance than a serial cheater (which he is) is telling you the truth when you have facts that don't make sense with the story he's telling you. If he won't take one, you absolutely should accept that he's probably told you some lies. Particularly about sex because that whole situation makes NO SENSE.

This isn't what you want to hear but it's the truth - everything he said to you he almost certainly said to his exwife when she caught him. Read around - almost every single WS says that the marriage was bad and that they weren't in love with their BS anymore. And yet here they are - begging for R, saying it was a lie they told themselves to justify cheating. His story to you is textbook and so it's safe to say he acted much like other WSes did during the end of his marriage. He can tell you how terrible it was all he wants but I would bet dollars to donuts that his exwife has cards, date nights, social events, text messages, and accounts from friends and family which say he acted like it was fine and the marriage was good. You have to stop taking his word for everything as the truth. He has not earned that privilege and he is throwing up red flags that you are missing by deciding to believe him.

You haven't been together that long. You're not married. Your daughter is young enough that she will think whatever co-parenting situation you have is normal and won't be affected as much by a separation. So the question is - do you want to risk another DDay? Do you want to risk him doing it again after marriage when you are MORE stuck and possibly have more kids too to consider? If you want a marriage built on honesty, transparency, and fidelity, don't marry him. Cut him loose. Find someone who does have those values instead.

And this:

7. I asked for a sorta reverse prenup - lol. Not like I would use it or need it, but if we were to get married and he messes up again - I get everything.

Nope. Doesn't work that way. No judge in their right mind would ever hand over everything to you no matter what he signed or what he did. You need to talk to a lawyer to get a better idea of what a REASONABLE split would be and financial consequence might be ruled on favorably to you in the event of him cheating after marriage. But just remember - celebrities have these types of pre-nups all the time and yet they still cheat. Even when it costs them millions of dollars. They are not fool proof.

Get yourself into IC. I find it curious that your relationship moved so quickly, has fallen into such turbulence so early on, and why instead of stepping back and examining the decisions you've made to get here, you are choosing to jump into a tenuous R. If you're not happy with how the relationship has gone and aren't happy with where it is today, why is your first choice to hold on tightly to him instead of stepping back and carefully examining the situations and what's best for you? Are you afraid of being alone and is that fear driving the ship? If you worked on yourself, you would have a much better shot at finding someone else who has the values you want in a husband. In the unlikely event he gets it together, it will be better for R too if you're able to stand up for yourself instead of going along with whatever he wants which I'm assuming is how the relationship progressed in ways that you weren't happy with.

Is the house in both of your names or only one of yours?

We did a poly. It was one of the conditions of reconciliation. Will you trust again? It took my WH a lot of hard work, deep introspection, actions matching words and time. Another condition I had was FaceTime while he was traveling of him sleeping and FaceTime with in a minute to verify his whereabouts, we also had phone tracking on.

My case was different happy endings, strip clubs and his worship of his SIL. The sex workers were a sneaky thing, hence the FaceTime requirement.

It sounds like he is working on his issues. The question he needs to answer does regret getting caught or have remorse. True remorse is the only way to recover. Recovery can work with work on both parts.

BTW, your partner rolled the dice cheating, that you would find out and leave. Why not do the poly if he is being honest? He made poor choices previously what is he willing to do to regain your trust and thrive together?

As for trust in the future, it isn’t going to be Disney trust. The trust will be earned. I rarely think of it. It is not our whole story it I know it changed our relationship. After a lot of pain and work, we have a stronger relationship.

Thanks all, let me try to respond to the questions above.

1. Regarding reverse prenup, I know it wouldn't hold up in court, but thats not really the point. I was trying to gauge his interest level.

2. I do not at all agree with his infidelity for the 1st marriage. Please believe that. I know all WS say the same crap. I do have evidence though that they were in counseling for years and neither one of them were happy - again this doesn't condone the cheating. I do know that they separated before she knew about the cheating.

3. He does do facetime, check ins, photos of who he's with, etc.

4. The house is in his name, not mine. Financially I am fine though - he hasnt "taken" anything from me and I'm not on the hook. I made a point to not have my name on things if we weren't married.

5. The OW never called him her boyfriend. They had an entanglement a few years ago and they were never really together, frankly I think they both used each other to make themselves feel desirable. From what I read in text messages, etc. it was a very volatile relationship - they argued a lot - no one was committed to the other. It most certainly was an EA though.

I know it sounds crazy to want to work on R. Honestly, I think the reason I do is we have a child together, he seems remorseful and is doing a lot of work. It's been hard no doubt, and i know R isn't a cakewalk. I know I can change my mind and leave any time. But I have been single before this, for many, many years. And honestly? I don't want to be alone. He treats me well outside of the whole cheating BS and we have a good life together. He seems very committed to me and a good father. We were very concerned after our daughter was born that she had a fatal disease and it was a few months of very scary stuff. He was really wonderful through all that. In a way, it sorta put things in perspective in terms of what's important - for both of us.

If I had found out about it and he was still communicating with her when I found out - that may be a different story. But he did end it before I found out, he doesn't get brownie points for that but it confirms - somewhat - that he wanted out and wanted to end it - without me telling him to do so. I can see through records she tried to text him a couple of times but he never responded - he went complete NC. So I think he's genuine about being done with that.

Listen, I know it's bad. I hate it and it's not what I want. I'm like, seriously I'm here AGAIN!? But I want a family - I want this family. I'm 40, I've lived a lot. There are a lot of dirt bags out there, and ones that never try to fix their shit. I realize he was an asshole and maybe he still is, but he seems to be working on stuff. I'm certainly not living in a fantasy, I know it's work and frankly, it's shitty to go through this again - but maybe it's the devil ya know. :Shrug: Plus, the thought was we can get to a more honest place by going through this storm. I know he's working on himself a lot.

Do you think I should still ask for a poly this far down the line? I only brought it up back then and frankly haven't thought about it since. Part of the reason is we went into a deep dive and his own IC, etc. and talked about "Limerance" which is basically when someone can crave and want the attention of someone, but it isn't necessarily sexual or physical in nature. It seemed to be a lot of that. I could write more but trust me when I say we talked about it to death. And maybe he did but he swears up and down, he didn't. Anyways, the way he talks about things now, he knows he's being checked up on, etc. but he says he's been showing every day he's putting in the work and why go backwards and keep reliving stuff. Is there an argument for watering the flowers and not the weeds?

[This message edited by NewMomNeedingAdvice at 2:47 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

Do you think I should still ask for a poly this far down the line?

I do! I think it will give you some peace of mind. I can't imagine a world that you don't ever question if it was physical. You are still in a lot of shock I am sure. Once your mind calms a little from the trauma you are going to start questioning the things that don't add up. I wouldn't wait long at all to do it, because new information is going to set your healing back. I wanted to know everything ASAP. The trickle truth was KILLING ME and re-traumatizing me. If it was a PA you need to know. You need to know the TRUTH.

You don't have to decide if you will reconcile or not yet. You can watch his actions.

Me personally - I would make a condition of R be that you are put on the mortgage. Then if things don't work out you can at least get half of the equity. That would be a good show of his faith. I think you need to really protect yourself as much as possible - even if you hope for the best.

I wouldn't marry any time soon at all.

Edit: why did he need to see her in person if it wasn't physical? Why would she keep reaching out if it wasn't physical? I am sorry but I just don't buy at all that they didn't have sex.

[This message edited by stubbornft at 3:13 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

What ultimatums would you give?

I would do a prenup. Prenups are becoming more symbolic than useful in court but, I would still consider it.

I would establish hard, mutual, clearly understood boundaries going forward.

I would establish absolute transparency (like the Life 360).

He must follow through with IC.

I would have regular discussions on what is considered good boundaries

EXAMPLES OF MODIFIED BOUNDARIES POST AFFAIR:

-No Secrets between married couples
-No secret friends
-No friends of the opposite sex
-No confiding with others regarding private marital matters
-No going to bars alone or without spouse
-No guys nights out
-No social media or...only fully transparent social media
-No secret chat apps
-No secret conversations
-Full transparency
-Don't attend social functions without spouse unless pre-approved by spouse
-No contact with Ex's
-Get rid of all pics of Ex, old Ex love letters, get Ex out of his contacts list.
-Get rid of friends that are not friends of the marriage

The first step is to realize there is a gap between reality and what could be.
The reality is that he cheated in a past relationship and he cheated in this one. That does not necessarily mean he will cheat again, but it does statistically increase the odds of a repeat.
Then there is the reality that experience shows marriages can survive a lot, except lack of trust. Your trust to him should be near-zero right now and part of R is the rebuilding of trust. His trust to you… well… if he’s holding back then it’s low too. He needs to be totally transparent because your marriage can survive if you work from the truth.

The reality of this ending in a separation is immense and true.

Therefore my first suggestion to you would be to establish your rights. You bought a house together: It’s in his name, but who put in the money? You talk about being partners and not married so it’s not necessarily a 50/50 split. Can you prove what funds you placed in the house, what he put in and whose money is paying the mortgage?
I would consult an attorney to get your rights in order. What would happen if you split? Is one or the other prime-owner? Who would have residency? Can one or the other demand payment? Have all this in the clear.

Postnups seldom hold water, but prenups do. I would want to have a prenup in place if – for example – you put your savings in the home and own most of the equity in it. The postnup needs to be fair – like it only applies for 10 years or possession evens out, but this is something an attorney can work on.

Regarding the poly…
The key issue is that he has to tell you the truth. It’s a show of trust. He’s asking you to believe what has been described as failing the sniff test. The poly will allow him the ability to clean up and pass the test. Or fail…

I’m So sorry for you. You have too much going on. But I hope your child recovers and grows strong and doesn’t have ongoing health issues.

You are not married. I would advise you DO NOT marry for at least one year. Give him time to prove to you he’s reliable and trustworthy. Give him time to show you (by his actions not his words) that he has truly changed and committed to remaining monogamous.

I would demand a pre-nup if you do marry.

His history is not good. Cheated on his first wife. 🤔 hmmm….. do we see a pattern here? I sure do.

Regarding this "friend" he saw. 🤔 hmmmm….why was he so afraid she would show up at his house if he has nothing to hide? If they are just friends then that would not be an issue. Unless there is much more to this "friendship" between them than your guy is willing to admit.

Keep your $ separate from his. All credit cards as well. Permanently. No joint accounts for credit cards - ever.

I have 15 friends snd relatives plus the good people here at SI. Every one who was cheated on prior to marriage with their BF/GF/SO and married the cheater were all cheated on during the marriage. Some cheaters were habitual chronic cheaters snd some were occasional cheaters. Point is please do not expect marriage to keep him from cheating. It didn’t work in his first marriage did it?

Tread very carefully here. Not being married affords you the ability to walk away a bit easier — though with house and child now it is not that easy. But it’s not a legal D either.

I am so sorry for you. And your child. He ruined what should be one of the happiest moments of your life.

he says he's been showing every day he's putting in the work and why go backwards and keep reliving stuff.

I don't like that! You get to go back and ask questions and wrap your mind around what has happened. I mean this guy is a repeat cheater so he understands what he has done.

Is there an argument for watering the flowers and not the weeds?

Isn't that rugsweeping?

I feel for you. This is just such an awful time to be handed this shit sandwich. I can understand wanting to rug sweep this but it will come back to haunt you later. Get it out in the open and deal with all of the reality and then you can see if he is R material.

I do agree with the previous poster that if you were to end things sooner rather than later, it will be less trauma for your sweet child.

You can't know yet if he is R material because you don't know what happened yet. His story doesn't add up. I am sorry.

My WH had a emotional connection with his attention whore of a SIL. I know it wasn’t physical because she was after his cousin. The bond was there and it clear he had no time for myself and later myself and our child if she was there. She only responded to him on social media and in person.

The issues of trust were his visits to happy endings. My demand was FaceTime at my request not his calling me. RealtyBlows has a excellent list of conditions of reconciliation. Review them.

I truly understand your age factor being a consideration for you. I was 37 when my WH and I met. My D day was 2011, we had been married 15 years when D day happened. Age was a consideration for me. I now know it shouldn’t have been. I was advised to divorce by family and friends. That was not the right choice for us. We had the makings of reconciliation, it was the choice to do so that was confusing. I felt hurt and anger. It took me working that out and not allowing myself to just brush it off because of my self esteem and life circumstances.

About the poly our D day was last week of May, I scheduled the poly in December. I told him the day prior told him he had 24 hours to tell me everything or it was over. I did this prior to his ic appointment, he came home and confessed more. Question was had he cheated on me any other time? The examiner worded it in appropriate manner. I don’t think you waited to long.

Anytime you trust someone there is a risk they will not hold up to there end of the bargain. Is there a greater risk of him repeating infidelity? Yes. Also be clear with him what you define infidelity as. I define it as a emotional relationship with another woman that is not known to me. I found out he had a few social media exchanges that he had with women he was hot for prior to me. No strip clubs or massages, except legitimate couple massages. Any kissing or touching is considered infidelity.

At 7 years out I was across country from him, it was triggering for me. I called him told him I was freaking out thinking he was going to cheat. His reaction wasn’t anger it was, what can I do? I told him put the tracking on his car, truly it was on and I forgot how to check it. He reassured me by explaining the. Process and checking in more and keeping FaceTime on that night. His actions met his words. Most importantly not being angry about this meant the world to me. It showed me that he knew he was the cause and he would do anything to have our relationship.

Newmom, you rugswept his first affair and you're likely doing it again now. When you stop giving people the benefit of the doubt, and start seeing them for who they are, you get down to the dirty truth.

This is what all Waywards say. Some even use these lines to get sympathy and to get lonely wives emotionally connected. YES, players use these lines.

said he had been unhappy a long time - that's not who he wanted to be, blah blah blah. He was super forth coming about it all.

Gently here are the facts:

1. He is a serial cheater

2. He cheated on your while you were pregnant (seriously, who the FUCK does that?) This is not a rare occurrence on this site, but WTF. This says so much about a person, and who he is

3. He definitely had sex with the OW when he was down there for a full week. Don't fall for that lie.

4. He is a known liar.

5. You don't know about this past relationships where he could have cheated on ex girlfriends as well.

Relationships that are pushed too quickly by someone who seems too good to be true, are often done by Narcs. Narcs are also known cheaters b/c of their thirst for supply. YOu haven't written enough about your WH to identify if he is one or not, but he sure has a lot of those tendencies and red flags. I would ask your counselor to diagnose him so you can see what you're dealing with

I know all WS say the same crap. I do have evidence though that they were in counseling for years and neither one of them were happy - again this doesn't condone the cheating. I do know that they separated before she knew about the cheating.

Did SHE tell you that or did he?

You really don't know what happened and how things were unless you heard it from her. Not his friends or family either because often times they are telling you what he told them and not what actually happened. Again, read around here. Every single one of us has dealt with a cheater. This is common theme and you will see time and time again - the BS thinks things are not great but being worked on and the cheater has decided the relationship is all but over yet also isn't willing to let go when they can have someone else on the side. Claiming that the BS didn't know until separation had been established is common too. It fuels the idea that "We just grew apart" is true and not the real truth of, "I gave my time and effort to someone else and lied to my spouse about it who was attempting to figure out why I was acting so distant." She was there in MC for all that time. She was trying. He was cheating. That says something big about the both of them. It was impossible for him to "work on things" with her while he was with someone else even if she was completely unaware of it. It greatly impacted their marriage and likely prevented any true reconciliation even if she didn't know it was happening. You may not have had that experience with him probably because he was cheating from day 1 and was able to compartmentalize it better with this OW but that's not necessarily true of her experience.

Maybe you really do have a unicorn here who for some unknown reason decided to have a tumultuous EA with someone he didn't care about, met up for a whole week with, and didn't have sex with. Maybe he really is a 2 time cheater only and this isn't a concerning pattern of behavior. It would be the first time I've heard of it reading here almost daily for 7+ years but that doesn't mean it's impossible. Unfortunately, experience has told me how unlikely that really is.

I hope I'm wrong but please, take a little more time to think through this and check things out before you jump into R with him. Get some legal advice about how to take some ownership over the house and what a realistic prenup would look like. Suspend any marriage plans for a long while. Get into IC yourself and do some healing. Then if things are going well, then you can commit to R and not have any regrets.

You have a serial cheater on your hands for sure but I'm concerned for you because it seems you might also have a double life cheater on your hands here (being the partner for two women and the women see each other as the OW.)

Just to clarify your relationship timeline:-

> Did you meet when he was divorced or in the process? Have you seen documentation of this?

> Was this other woman his ex-wife or a new woman?

Gently, from a timeline point of view, you could well be the OW here to this OW's relationship from her perspective, especially if he was seeing her first or the timing over-laps. With double life serial cheaters there is a lot of over-lapping relationships where the two betrayed partners know about each other (to a point, often "they're just my room mate" or "they just a friend" or "we're broken up but good friends" etc) but the cheater is an expert manipulator and is successful enough with their lies to keep both with him. The lies he is telling you about not being strong enough to break it off could well be the same regurgitated lies he is telling her.

Your wayward's lies do concern me he is a double life cheater, but his actions do highlight he is a serial cheater, that makes him an unsafe partner if you wish to live a life infidelity free.

You could poly him but if he has easily lived as a partner for two women for so long before it shows he can master lie and manipulate and hide like a pro. I'm all for R when two parties want it and there is true remorse from the wayward but right now it's too soon to flip that switch from double-life serial cheater to remorseful loyal partner.

A soft detach and IC might help you navigate your fears about leaving him and living a life free of infidelity.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 4:03 AM, Wednesday, August 25th]

Hi NewMom, I'm so sorry you are here! Lots of great advice so far.

It appears that you have rug swept the first affair and he took advantage of the lack of strong boundaries. He still visited this OW without your knowledge because he figured it was 'ok' to do so. Even if they didn't sleep together, it's still an EA!

He was worried about her coming over because he feels guilt. Maybe he feels guilt because he lied or because he did have a PA. He did something wrong though! Remember, cheaters lie, and lie, and lie again ... all to satisfy their narrative. So be cautious.

He appears to be a serial cheater and is a master at manipulating you. My spidey senses tell me that you should tread lightly and protect yourself and your baby first and foremost. Give yourself some time before you commit to an R. Actions speak louder than words, but those actions need to be demonstrated over a long period time.

I understand the fear of being a single parent. But, please look up and consider co-parenting. No one should stay with their significant other for the 'sake of the child'. It does more harm than good long run.

Your wayward appears to have some narcissistic tendencies. Please do some research in this area. Narcissistic behaviors are abusive and you may not know you are in that situation. I'd recommend Dr. Ramani's book Should I stay Or Should I Go as a great resource.

Sending you lots of hugs during such a difficult period in your life. And big hugs to that little munchkin of yours.