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You should have been carrying a VAR weeks ago. She sounds evil enough to try and frame you for domestic violence. Having proof of the lies she will saying would shut down any narrative that this is your fault.

This^^^^^^^^

Take 1/2 from all joint accounts and put it safely in your own account.

She could decide that because she earns more it all belongs to her

OP,

Your WW is miles ahead of you if you decide to D. Don't think that it hasnt crossed her mind before.

If I were you, I wouldn't bother with contacting the AP or her friends, clearly they're all a bunch of fucken losers who support affairs.

I'd stick with the advice from your attorney. Protect yourself and your kids. Anything else you can find about her drug use,..... is game for divorce.

Don't worry about the finances too much, that will gt squared away in the divorce. If you take care of the kids, even better, you will get both child support and spousal support. Time to let the attorney be your bulldog if you're a passive pushover. You are making the right move.

She then asked if she could text AP for some attention.

Brazen hussy!

I'm usually a big advocate for R, but like someone else said, there is absolutely NOTHING to work with here.

Document every little thing that you can, and put it all in a safe place away from the house. Get your birth certificate and any other important docs out of the house and put them someplace safe. Same with anything that's special to you, like photographs.

Do what your attorney recommends with bank accounts, etc. Keep a VAR on you, like someone else said.

Act fast. This isn't going to be pretty. And DO NOT keep her updated on anything that you're doing. Fly under the radar.

[This message edited by 13YearsR at 7:39 PM, Tuesday, August 24th]

How could they do this to our family, our kids? It makes me so fucking angry.

They can do it because they're sickos who feed off other people's pain and drama. Don't give them any further satisfaction. They're trolls, and the absolute best thing you can do is to starve them out.

I think you've reached a good decision. The absolute best thing you can do for yourself when a cheater abuses your agency is to stand up for yourself. Your WW might claim otherwise, but NOTHING you did (or didn't do) could cause another person to throw away their values and integrity. She did that on her own and because there's nothing in her character preventing her from it. She's got a "but..." in her core value of Fidelity. ie. "She believes in Fidelity, but not if an old boyfriend starts paying attention to her." See, it's not about the attention, it's about her core values being weak and permeable. If she truly honored the vows she made, a gun to her head couldn't get her to cheat. Cheaters need excuses though, and like Olympic-level gymnasts, they contort and rationalize until they find a way to justify their actions.

No doubt she'll wave that poly result like a banner to claim she didn't do anything, but you know better. And she does too, no matter how much she might deny it, she KNOWS what she did.

You should have been carrying a VAR weeks ago. She sounds evil enough to try and frame you for domestic violence.

Requoting to emphasize - protect yourself

Holy crap 😬 your WW’s psychotic. I echo everyone else, carry a VAR. Don’t say anything about the Divorce until she’s served. When she starts screaming at you say you’re sorry she feels that way & walk away. Don’t entertain her. Transfer 1/2 the money in joint accounts into your own acct at a different bank. Take care of yourself, eat healthy, exercise, hydrate, and sleep w/one eye open. Sorry this has happened to you but so very glad you’re unhooking from that nut.

Reddy, I'm so sorry your family is dealing with this. If snark helps your resolve, IMHO your WW is a piece of work. Your WW behavior is straight up manipulative. And not the usual WW bawling snot and tears along with a little pussy bombing to get BH to rug sweep type of manipulation. That brand of manipulation could still happen. Maybe. I'm thinking your WW has already shown she's capable of grifter level manipulation. Stone cold calculations and gaming designed to serve HER needs. So please be careful. When you file the shit may hit the fan and your WW could proceed directly to escalations like DV accusations or other character assassinations. There's some serious danger signs here:

She intends to use marriage counselling (which I agreed to) to push for an open marriage

Not only is she willing to lie and manipulate YOU during fake MC, she is willing to lie to a therapist. That's a loooong con she's willing to play. Weeks of fake MC to get to the point where she can work in her ultimate goal of getting a therapist to support "opening" your marriage. Or maybe she planned to cherry pick a lousy therapist who's willing to ambush you with the "open" marriage scenario right away. Either way, it's just plain downright heartless she's willing to use fake MC as the set up for a sting.

But I learn also that she tried to game it by taking Lorazepam that she got from a co-worker and trying the "tack in the shoe trick".

I have just now overheard a conversation wherein she says that she lied on the test. She goes on to joke that it was easy and "she should be a bank robber"

She suggested the polygraph because she planned to game it! And she does game it! And the POS friends are all on board helping her. Wow. She shouldn't be a bank robber. She's more suited to a career as a con artist.

She has also gloated about her conquest to her friends

No guilt, no remorse. No thought for you. She's proud of herself. Google Duper's Delight. You're a sucker she's playing.

She then asked if she could text AP for some attention.

WTF! This is so disrespectful and deliberately cruel. It's suspicious she tried to initiate sex when she knew it was likely you'd turn her down. Her plan/message is "if you won't give it to me, I need to get it outside the marriage." She's herding you towards the "open" marriage plan she's laid out in her mind = you take care of the kids while she cake eats with other men and parties with her team of fellow grifters. She's laying the groundwork for a long con where the payoff is your capitulation to an open marriage.

she has tried to see if he might be game for more than sex, but he has consistently refused to deepen the relationship and has stated that he is not interested.

She's already thought about leaving you. Might have done it if this OM were willing. You are Plan B. Or, maybe the long range Plan A is to manipulate you into an "open" marriage where you get to be the Husband appliance.

Don't be fooled by the notion that the OM shows more remorse than WW. Well maybe he does, because she appears to lack a conscience. Methinks he recognizes what a piece of work she is and doesn't want to get more involved because he sees her and their "relationship" for what they are. He knows she's wack and is protecting himself.

Reddy, not much to work with here. Sorry if my wise ass comments are blunt - I'm concerned. She isn't willing (or able?) to think about others - it's all about her. And if the two of you were to R she'd probably need intensive long term IC to get to a place where she could be a safe partner for you. Doesn't seem like she's the type to dedicate herself to what it takes to successfully R. So, right now please continue to do what's best for you and your kids. And be careful.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 12:55 AM, Wednesday, August 25th]

Her 'defeating' a polygraph is a very important issue.

Could you share more about the polygraph?

1 - was she taking Lorazapam?

2 - who scheduled/paid for the test?

3 - who discussed with the tech what 3-4 questions to ask? Including how certain terms (e.g., sex) are defined for test purposes.

4 - how were the questions worded (the exact wording)?

5 - how much did it cost?

6- were you present?

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 10:43 PM, Tuesday, August 24th]

Reddy, I agree with getting a VAR. This is amazing levels of manipulation and she has far too many social resources at her fingertips. That means plenty of people to lie for her if she wanted to make something up to get you in legal trouble! Play it safe but also move forward with the D.

"I just don't know what to do".

Yes you do.

Let's cut to the chase. What's keeping you from taking action is FEAR!!!

To quote Red in the movie "Shawshank Redemption", either get busy living or get busy dying...damn straight".

Looks like out of fear you're choosing dying.

Your wife is still in contact with AP and asks you if she can have "fun" with him?????????

And you DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO??

You have options and all of them are better than handing your balls to your wife and letting her shit all over you.

Is this how you want your daily existence to be?

Instead of being afraid why don't you get PISSED OFF and channel that anger to move you forward and out of this nightmare?

Saw your update.

Excellent!!!!

Press through the fear and take action!!!

Reddy:

Sorry you are here. You are right, based on what you have shared, your WW is a liar and a snake. You have nothing to work with here. There will be no more need for you to do any more acquiescing to end argument. You know why? Because there is no further need to argue or engage with her. You know the truth of what she has done. She obviously knows what she has done. There is no need for further discussion. When you have her served do not engage. Become a gray rock. An unemotional rock that can’t be manipulated into arguing. Discuss only about child custody matters and finance. Period. Do a hard 180. Strength to you.

How could they do this to our family, our kids? It makes me so fucking angry.

...This right here, what you said earlier, this is what you keep in your mind when you feel yourself start to acquiesce. Just refuse to discuss anything with her if she will not be civil. Give it a shot but if she will not play nice just walk away and let your lawyer communicate for you. Everyone knows what she is doing, you do not need her to admit anything to you. It's not a debate and nobody wins. You have all the info you need, take a deep breath and move forward. Once you are free of this entanglement you are not going to believe how peaceful and relaxed you will be. Praying for you brother.

Reconciliation is off the table

Very smart statement. What would you be reconciling with??

You are already in an open marriage.
(1) She has a boyfriend that you know about that she refuses to stop interacting with.
(2) She is lying to you daily
(3) She has a bunch of people who are encouraging her and will cover for her showing you mean nothing
(4) She thinks she is going to get away with it and that you will back down.

I wouldn't call that a monogamous situation.

Forget the narrative. You do not have to prove anything to anyone. In sports terms, your decision here should be a "slam dunk".

Holly gaslighting, blame game, manipulation Batman! NOTHING TO WORK WITH HERE!

So glad you are making your way out of infidelity and seeing the situation for what it's worth. Your WW reminds me so much of my WH (soon to be XH). Cheating, lying, manipulating, gaslighting right to your face. And then trying to blame you like it was you who committed adultury. My WX told me that if I "lost 15 lbs and changed my behavior to be a better wife, he wouldn't have swayed". Yea right! Your WW is not a good candidate for R.

Please, please, please read the 180 in the Healing Library and implement NO CONTACT as soon as possible. Trust me, you'll see things more clearly!

Sending you lots of hugs.

Lol there is nothing to work with here OP. If you are looking for the truth, you need to see the truth. And all the truth is right there.

She literally admitted to everything by all her actions which I find totally moronic. Lying and trying to cheat the poly itself meant that she already did all the things she said she did not. Its like admitting via omission.

At this point if it was without the cheating, would you even want to be with someone that dumb?

Get a lawyer and get this done ASAP, while she is still happy to be in the A.

If possible, be sure that her infidelity is in the D, even if it makes no difference in the settlement, you just want it as a matter of public record.

Thank you all for the taking the time to read and reply! I appreciate the support.

I had a helpful session with a therapist yesterday. She has re-affirmed everything that has been said to me by you. My wife has continually stated that any therapist we see will see it her way, now I am less sure that that is the case. I think she is in for a rude awakening, if, we end up going to into MC.

I left my ring at home yesterday and found her pills. I, perhaps stupidly, told her I am done, just done and want her to leave me alone. She will not let it go. She argued with me while I made supper and will not let it go. Alternating between crocodile tears and "I love you" and plain old bullying. At least through most of this, we have been civil-ish. I have not told her that I have a lawyer on retainer already. I have my first meeting (aside from our initial consultation) on Friday.

She tells me I have treated her horribly throughout this. All I have done is been cold and distant, unaffectionate. Is that so horrible? Is that any less than she deserves? I will not compete with AP and pick up my tin cup, put on my red hat and dance like some fucking organ grinder's monkey for her. I have not sworn at her, I have not called her names (unlike her), nor even really raised my voice at her, and yet I am the bad guy for treating her horribly after what SHE did!

I have overheard more conversations. Apparently, AP is such a sweet guy that he wants her to back off a little and fix the marriage before they start up again. She states that she wants so badly to go for a ride in his truck. I know what that means as it was part of her initial conversation with him. So, even if we manage to unfuck this relationship, her and AP are already making plans to continue. Apparently both of them really want to keep it going but realize this might not be the best time when they are under scrutiny. Ridiculous! She seems to think she knows exaclty how MC is going to work for her. I think she has another thing coming. I already told her to cancel MC, but she is insisting I attend at least the first session. Deposit is paid already, I guess. I think it is perfectly useless.

I do have a recorder and am using it daily.

As for the polygraph, she is the one who scheduled and paid for the test. She initially wasn't going to tell me when the test was going to be held. However, the company and I insisted that I be involved in the process. As a result, I reviewed the questions:

1. Were you and X ever alone together other than what you described to your husband?
2. Is there any relevant information that you are deliberately withholding from your husband?
3. When you and X were alone, did you and X have sexual contact?

I had found her co-worker's Lorazepam prior to the test and switched out the pills for some vitamin of similar shape and size. However, the day before the test she had managed to get her own doctor to prescribe some Lorazapam for her. I went looking for these but couldn't find them. I found them the day after under her pillow. She had taken two 1mg tablets for the test based on the information on the label and the number of pills left in the bottle. She claims that she informed the tester that she taken these, however, according to the report, she did not. I overheard a conversation stating that "he found X's pills, but didn't find mine...thank God!" This is the same conversation in which she stated she was lying on the test and that she could be a bank robber.

I was not present for either tests as I was working/watching the kids. I did speak on the phone with the examiner who helped guide me through writing appropriate questions. I have no idea otherwise what their methods are for evaluating the results. As far as I am concerned, Polygraph is of similar validity to a Ouija board. Test cost $600.

I get a weird vibe from this company. On their Facebook page the the examiner's wife (and admin assistant) posts regular bible study/readings videos. My conspiratorial mind wonders whether every WS gets a pass here in some christian ploy to keep marriages together. Or maybe I'm just being unfair?

I have been sleeping in the basement, but she is still trying to draw me back in by doubling down on her story. But as my therapist pointed out, and some of you as well, is it really any better if it were just online as she says? The feelings of betrayal and deceit are largely the same.

She has not kept anything secret from her coworkers. I am not surprised as this matches a longstanding pattern in our relationship where she tells virtually anyone who will listen all about our problems. The second I misstep she is on her phone texting everybody about what I did/didn't do. Mutual friends, coworkers, even the fucking neighbours. And then she gets mad at me for talking to my dad about this situation! She went so far as to send him a very nasty email detailing all the things I have done in the relationship and how she feels like she has been thrown to the wolves the first time she screws up. Indeed. All part of the guilt trip, I guess. Sure, i've fucked before too, but, while I acknowledge these things caused some insecurity and anxiety, none of them involved betrayal of this sort. I dealt with them by going to see therapists, not by fucking other people!

Reddy:

You are an imperfect H. Prior to her cheating, your WW was an imperfect spouse. Nothing youvdid or didn't do caused her to cheat.

Your WW is not remorseful. Stop talking to her. You deserve better. Value yourself. See the attorney and have her served asap.
You and your children will move on to a better life once you are away from her.