SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It seems that you're doing the steps now. If you can't fully commit to doing the 180 then at least try to check her schedule and stay away from her as much as you can.

At this time you know the truth but you want her to ‘get it’. You aren’t getting it. This is who she is.

Learn to ignore or suffer. It’s totally up to you.

Listen to your gut. She is a vile person.

Bro you already saw the messages to the AP. WHat more do you need??? Please listen to your gut. Don't avoid conflict. She will come at you but you have to fight her back for once in your life. Stand up and proceed with the separation agreement. If you are wavering, continue to reread the messages between her and the AP. It will give you the strength to act along with your actions

As far as MC goes. I am on the fence.

GET OFF THAT FENCE!!!!

Do not go. Do not engage any further. You feel like you are being manipulated because you ARE being manipulated. Your WS is all about physical, tangible, concrete evidence....because she knows how hard that is to get. "If it can't be physically proven, it must not have happened." That's her mentality.

Marz likes very short posts. Read his last one. Let that be your clarity.

Can you tell that everyone on here is trying to get you to start the divorce process. You have an unrepentant, lying, cheating wife. If we could take you by the hand and get you to a lawyer we would. There is nothing to work with here. Please reread everything you have written. There is no way you can fix this enough to EVER get a decent marriage out of it.

Reddy, it probably isn't like PTSD. It probably is PTSD. About 70% of betrayeds will develop PTSD especially if they've been lied to repeatedly, gaslight, abused emotionally and "knowing" without hard proof. I had PTSD and got treatment for it. IMO you don't get cured of PTSD. You get techniques to deal with it. Triggers can happen years later. You need an IC trained in treating PTSD and using techniques like EMDR and other methods.

It seems the poly examiner your WW used isn't very good. The questions are poorly drafted. When I had my XWW do a poly it was my questions (as it was in yours) and I was there while the exact questions were being drafted. There usually is only 3 or 4 questions. It took more time in a small conference room to get the questions properly drafted than the actual exam took. My XWW was part of the process. The examiner would leave the room to re-draft the questions and leave his assistant with us. We would re-evaluate the questions and do it over again. It was me who had to be satisfied with the questions. I got 4 but there was one that my XWW provided a parameter for, that she passed, and I regret agreeing to. She passed with "flying colours".

Where I live the separation agreement comes first. The ranch, property and other asset split and side agreements were all figured out with the separation agreement. The divorce, then, was simply filing the final document indicating that all issues were agreed to.

I think your WW thinks you will fold. She will just sit back and wait. It took 4 years from DDay1 until my XWW finally left. This is a life shortening, living in hell period. It took another 2.5 years to get divorced. I think (unconfirmed) that my XWW thought she could just wait me out. I would quite being mad and life would go on.

Like you, we had children but they were grown and now we have grandchildren. My XWW and I are forever connected through the kids. You will be, too. It's part of the package, unfortunately.

There is nothing you did or did not do that made your WW commit adultery. It is on her, entirely. You got an example of her character with the first MC that she quit going to because it didn't go her way. All marriages have issues. Adultery only exacerbates them. Secrets and intimacy are incompatible.

My best wishes for you. Get strong. Get decisive. Get active. File and have her served. Keep a VAR on you at all times. She's a vindictive, manipulating woman. Too many men have had false domestic violence charges filed on them. Protect yourself.

I'm late to the thread here, but everyone who is telling you that you have nothing to work with is correct. She has not admitted to what has actually transpired, she took a drug in order to pass a poly, she has basically told POSOM to sit tight until things are "fixed" and she has basically lied right to your face without any remorse or regret.

Your lawyer needs to be a shark. Just my opinion, but a separation is only going to drag this out and give her time to come up with some other bullshit stories about what a horrible person you are. She is already getting her friends to back up her crap so what makes you think they will not say you are abusive or a dead beat? PROTECT YOURSELF.

Your wife's circle of friends are trash. If they're married notify their husbands.

The Polygraph questions are critical. Can you list the questions exactly as worded?

From what we've seen on this forum, it's not unusual for someone caught (and acknowledging) spending a night alone in a hotel room to deny their was sex. Instead, they just talked all night about the OM's personal problems.

IMO you should:

1 - have your wife retake the polygraph test with another examiner.
2 - and submit a blood test proving she was not on any meds the day of the test.

Here's what I copied from Lie Detector Test UK.

Certain drugs and medications can affect how your body responds, or is unresponsive, to guilt and polygraph examinations. Examples include:

Anti-hypertensive medication. These are drugs that can alter your blood pressure and heart rate, usually lowering both. The polygraph test detects small changes in these to detect deception, however if your medication is altering the normal rates then results could come back as inconclusive.

Anti-anxiety medications. Similar to the above, if these medications alter your emotional state and keep your heart rates and blood pressure low, this could make it much harder for the polygraph test to detect minute changes.

Illegal substances. Some drugs may have the same effect as the above medications, lowering both blood pressure and heart rate, but in most cases examiners will be able to tell if you’re intoxicated by these before the test begins.

A polygraph test will use both physical and emotional indications to detect deceit, but when a person is suffering a mental illness, this can sometimes alter the results. Serious mental health conditions such as paranoid and delusional disorders like schizophrenia can interfere greatly with the test.

A second test is out of the question. The test we did cost $600 which was more or less affordable. The only other company offering tests in this area costs $2300 -completely unaffordable - and involves having to fly an examiner in.

The questions are listed in one of the posts above. I was involved to some extent (over the phone) but it was a pretty quick process with them making a few suggestions for questions. What I have learned is that my wife was able to use some of the semantic wiggle room in the questions to think of different "nights in question" etc. I.e. they could be any nights, etc. I was satisfied with the questions, but having no experience with these things, I don't really feel that I have the knowledge to really evaluate these things properly.

The other thing is she will not acknowledge that this constitutes a relationship. She doesn't believe that an online relationship is a "real" relationship. She maintains that it is no different from porn. But I can't agree to this, this was a real person she was communicating with. One she knew well from her highschool circle of friends and someone she has met up with. How can that not be a relationship?

My therapist stated even if they didn't physically have sex, is it really any better? She will not acknowledge the reality or existence of an emotional affair, even though that is what led to the breakdown of AP's previous marriage. Even he has pushed back on her on this point.

Her friends are all divorced women. Probably part of the problem. Although one of the friends is male. He is the one she told that she lied through the test. When I have confronted her on what she has said to them, she tells them she just told them because she wanted them to believe that she was having an affair, and that she just wanted their attention.

She tells them she just told them because she wanted them to believe that she was having an affair, and that she just wanted their attention.

This may be the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Let her know that she convinced the wrong person.

Talk to the lawyer, your evidence may or may not be unscrupulous depending on where you live. You will have to treat her in the same cold, uncaring way she treats you. Until then she's just going to continue the gaslighting and manipulation. Start the paperwork now and you will start your own healing process sooner. Until then, you're just paying her to go sleep with other guys.

Your wife is having an affair.

There should be absolutely no fence sitting.

She is lying and manipulative.

Please don't fall for her oscar-winning performance.

Sorry, I have to agree, you have nothing to work with. She's not R material.

She tells them she just told them because she wanted them to believe that she was having an affair, and that she just wanted their attention.

I'm sure the messages she wrote about her A with AP were also meant to make him believe that they were in an A.
She does everything in front of your eyes and doesn't hesitate to share it with others.
As far as I understand, these are people who are morally low and think they are smarter than others and make fun of it. Proving that they weren't as smart as they thought, I would text them all together and let them know that I was starting the D proceedings and wishing them to keep having fun.

IMO the questions which left much to be desired plus the use of Lorazepam invalidated the polygraph test.

If your wife wants to prove anything she needs to have a blood test prior to a 2nd exam and answer some simple questions. For example, did the OM ever kiss, hug or touch you on the 16th or at his house? And add a question regarding any other man since you were married.

I found the polygraph questions:

1. Were you and X ever alone together other than what you described to your husband?

2. Is there any relevant information that you are deliberately withholding from your husband?

3. When you and X were alone, did you and X have sexual contact?

IMO you don't need anymore evidence of infidelity. She had a chance to save the marriage with the polygraph - but she sabotaged the test by taking Lorazepam (and also took advantage of loosely worded questions).

First, you have evidence that she took two Lorazepam pills prior to the test. Therefore, the test results are not reliable.

Second, she lied in order to visit the OM at his house on a specific date; and a few days previously on the 16th she went out to a bar with a girlfriend and ended up at a 'friends' house (came home drunk at 4:00AM).

Why didn't your questions specifically include a reference to those dates and/or his house?

Question 1 - she passed this because she was never 'alone' with him (the 16th at a friend's house and a few days later at his house) because there was someone else in the house while they were in the bedroom.

Questions 2 - She passed this because the term 'relevant' is too general.

Question 3 - She passed because although they were in the bedroom together - they weren't alone in the house.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 9:30 PM, Saturday, August 28th]

No need for a second polygraph exam.

No need for more information. The investigative phase is complete.

Focus on the selection of a shark attorney.

Focus on filing for D.

Focus on the direction given you by the attorney.

Consider feedback you get on this forum with an open mind. Take what works for you and leave the rest.

Focus on self protection, self preservation, maintenance of dignity, self respect and self determination.

Start thinking about want you want in life going forward. Plan for the next chapter.

Go to the gym. Hit the trails. Pick up a good book. Find a healthy distraction until the mind concludes it's natural obsessive thoughts grievance cycle.

She starts blowing up my phone and texting me that it was all online, nothing happened and there was no physical contact. She also tells me this is my fault as I forced her to seek attention elsewhere.

You're getting great advice, as one of those who had difficulty following the advice, I highly recommend you really put a lot of thought into each bit of advice being given. Ask yourself, is this advice I'd want a friend to follow?

That aside, the above two sentences absolutely contradict each other. That with wanting an open marriage and the timelines you gave me (visit to OM home) spells physical contact to me. Big hugs man, focus on you. Consider going grey rock and doing a full 180. Please, don't offer R too early. It's way to soon to consider MC. If you do consider MC, look at all the threads on here, and you make the choice. You are in trauma, you need IC, friends, and family. Not suffering abuse and manipulation at the hands of your WW. You are currently in the middle of infidelity. Accept the truth, physical or no physical, you've been betrayed.

I hope this doesn’t sound harsh. You are doing the "yes, but" response. You told us what has happened. The combined wisdom of many people was at your service. You got straight talk and you read, understand, and then use the"yes, but" to explain why that won’t work. So some more suggestions. Here comes the yes, but" again, and so on. This is one of the stages of grief. You have already been shocked. Now you are bargaining. It’s so common. That’s why you have people trying to hurry you through it. They know what’s coming next. You can’t deal with it because you are trying to bargain with God, or the Universe to make you time travel back. Your reality is too painful. It will take you a while but you will get angry. It might be toward us because we are pushing you forward toward the new reality, something you want nothing to do with. Who on here has been right where he is? Yep. All of us. So we will be here for you until you don’t need us anymore.

Based on your description, you are best out of this relationship entirely. Your wife has a poor character and won’t grow a sound one anytime soon. Cut her loose. Sorry to be blunt. It’s not advice I offer lightly. Life will be better for you with her gone. Other opportunities for meaning and love will open up in a few years.

In the end, she cares only about herself and her reputation and self image, and nothing about you and the honesty you need to truly heel from her infidelity.

If I were to give someone an example of an unremorseful wayward spouse, I would show them your wife.

I’m so sorry.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 5:16 AM, Sunday, August 29th]

It seems like she has dual personality. In front of her friends, she's the girl who wants to have sex with other men. In front of her husband, she's the obedient loving wife. Although it appears that the more dominant personality is the one she shows with her friends because you can clearly see it when she tries to act lovey-dovey.