SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

the thing I will say is, he has every right to speak with his true daughter and offspring. He just found out. he didnt know for 25 yrs and had he, he would have probably done right by that daughter. asking him to cut off any contact wuth his own child is cruel and an odd request as a mother yourself. this is his child!

These judgy & condemning comments always strike me as so odd, considering the site we are on. You don't know how you will handle these awful events until you are right smack dab in the middle of your life being in turmoil.

So sorry you are enduring this fiasco.
As Tushnurse said, get help from your doctor for sleeping and anxiety issues.
You have most likely only seen the ice cube on top of the glacier with this. ONS, says the liar. Yeah right. He has most likely corroborated the ONS storyline with the AP when he friended her on FB already, so don't expect any truth there either (if you considered asking her).

There is a good book that will help you work through your trauma, "Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder" by Denis Ortman, PhD. He is the one to coin the term PISD having worked with PTSD. Some good practical tools there.

Your WH should be told that you will do absolutely nothing to heal this breach. He will have to do ALL of it and he will have to figure out HOW to do it all by himself. If he will not, then you have your answer. I suggest that you do create your own list of things that you will need if R is on the table (things like stop working away from home, timeline, poly, transparency, etc...), but DO NOT tell him or hint at any of them. Let him get creative and figure it out. Go full hard NC as soon as is practical. While he is figuring it out he can sign divorce papers when you have him served and allow that to be the timeline he has to work within to convince you not to D his cheating, lying carcass. If you are hoping to reconcile (way too soon to know for sure) I suggest you find a real badass attorney so he will see how ugly this can look. If you are just done with him, just push full steam ahead for a fair and speedy D. Good luck to you.

Cooley not true that most adoptive kids seek out their birth patents. Some do and some don’t. I know many who have not and never will want to know anything.

This young woman - young adult found out from a DNA type test. The OP does not have to have any relationship with this young woman as she’s not a step mother to a child. She’s married to the bio father. It is up to OP to decide how to manage this and what is best fir her. She had NO obligation here.

However if her children have a relationship with a half sibling that could add more issues to the mix.

We need to support OP here. Therapy and counseling will help tremendously. You can even connect online if that is an option.

We all survive the betrayal of infidelity. It’s just a matter of how and how long — but you will get through this. Just have faith that it will all work out in the end. And whatever the outcome is — just choose what is best for you.

I handled many requests from adults looking for bio families. It is innate to wish for a bio history. I understand exactly why the young woman would do this. I also know this would kill me if it happened to me. My husband would be singing soprano. I am 100% on the side of the betrayed. That’s why I stay so angry at the utter selfishness of the WSs. He is so irresponsible right now. Has he ever been mature or always looking after number one? He put you and his kids in a terrible place. You don’t have do anything but look after you little family.
By the way, the saying here is take what info you need and leave the rest. This is your life, not ours.

Having a really really difficult time. I have reached out to try and get IC but either getting no responses or they are not taking new clients. His therapist is telling him to cease all communication for 2 weeks. I'm trying to do that but have failed so far. Since he is an ocean away it is very very difficult. Hours are different everything! Feel like I'm dying a slow death alone.

I think I am having more difficulty processing the needed immediate contact with the new daughter than anything else. The fact that he didn't tell me for so long after her found out. The fact that he took that time to talk with her, her family, fiancee and ONS -BEFORE he told me. The fact that he continues to put her needs and his needs before mine. The fact that he is continuing to shout "she is innocent, innocent, innocent" at me. What I am hearing is "she is MINE, MINE, MINE" I could get over the affair but cannot get over the fact that the lies and betrayal continued.

To the people on here judging me as a mother and telling me I am cruel to not want a relationship with her or have him have a relationship with her - you have a hell of a nerve responding to me that way! I am raw. This just happened to me! I am not saying never - I am saying right now. I am hurt. I am dying. I am on here for support and do not need more rejection and judgement. You can have your opinions but please keep any comments of how horrible I am for my choices under this type of stress to yourself! BTW I am an excellent mother and I was an excellent wife. I have put all of their needs first for 30 years. I am still doing that! The only reason I haven't killed myself to end all of this pain is because my children don't deserve it! I would happily take a dirt nap right now to end the excruciating pain and suffering I am feeling. You are not helping me and I wish you would remove yourself from my thread.

I will do what I can to get through the day. Unfortunately, I don't really have a GP/doctor. We have moved around the world for his jobs. Usually moving every 2 years - internationally and domestically. Therefore, do not have any good friends either. I do not have health insurance. I have the money to pay for IC, I just cant seem to find a therapist to take me on. I am wondering about the sites Better Health and Talk space? Does anyone have experience with those?

I will keep moving and trying to find support. Right now I am dead woman walking. I know I need time and it can not come fast enough. I want to put myself in a time machine to feel and understand how this Jerry Springer episode of my life ends 3 years out.

The more I think about his behavior the more I think he is in limerence. It’s that first falling in love euphoria. You can have that with a lover or you can have it with a new job or you can have it with a new adventure. Limerence is the surge of hormones in the brain that causes euphoria. He’s got all this new stuff to think about, a new child, an old flame, a sneaky part of his life when he was pulling the wool over your eyes. It makes him feel about 16. The idiot doesn’t realize that while he’s in the state of limerence he’s ruining his perfectly good marriage. Please look up Limerence even though it’s about falling in love with another person I think he’s falling in love with a new experience. She’s just a human being and she’s going to have a period where she thinks he’s wonderful and he think she’s wonderful and then reality sets in. I have no idea the outcome of this so I’m just telling you to look after yourself. Look after yourself physically and financially.

I’m going to add something here that I think might be helpful for you just understanding what’s going on. Your husband has moved you every two years and that is exactly what my life was for a long time. We finally settled in one place when my husband bought a business. Very soon I noticed irritability in him because every day is the same. There was nothing new and exciting, just business stuff, day after day after day. Very same issues that come with a new business came with it, then they got straightened out. And then something else that got straightened out. So every single day he is in one spot dealing with the same things every day. He couldn’t stand it so he has taken up a very expensive hobby. I’m guessing your husband is a little bit addicted to chaos. He thrives on the “new” every two years or so. So this is something new. I had to put my foot down with my husband about the amount of money he was spending on this hobby. He’s finally decided to get out of it but of course there’s a ton of money we will never see you again. Your husband is so much like a lot of people I know. He doesn’t understand sometimes life is just life. It’s not exciting it’s just life.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 1:05 PM, Wednesday, September 8th]

Please ignore posts that judge you or say anything negative. We are here to support you!!

As I’ve said you should not make any decisions now. You need to focus on your healing. Period. Getting through each day is a monumental task and it’s enough just to do that.

Please don’t let your pain cause you go make any bad decisions. If you feel suicidal please call a suicide hotline and speak to someone immediately. You cannot do this alone AND while we are here at SI to help you — you need professional counseling and calling a hotline can get you that help.

Please know you will feel better 60 days from Dday and 90 days from Dday etc. the pain you are experiencing will lessen over time. But now is the time to get help and support.

Also just know that it is not always an affair that kills the marriage but the behavior of the cheater after the affair is discovered. And your H takes First Prize in that category and I agree with you — he knew if this bio child and spoke with everyone for quite some time before even telling you.

What the hell was he thinking?! I agree with you 💯% that he continues to make poor choices.

Please ignore posts that judge you or say anything negative. We are here to support you!!

As I’ve said you should not make any decisions now. You need to focus on your healing. Period. Getting through each day is a monumental task and it’s enough just to do that.

Please don’t let your pain cause you go make any bad decisions. If you feel suicidal please call a suicide hotline and speak to someone immediately. You cannot do this alone AND while we are here at SI to help you — you need professional counseling and calling a hotline can get you that help.

Please know you will feel better 60 days from Dday and 90 days from Dday etc. the pain you are experiencing will lessen over time. But now is the time to get help and support.

Also just know that it is not always an affair that kills the marriage but the behavior of the cheater after the affair is discovered. And your H takes First Prize in that category and I agree with you — he knew if this bio child and spoke with everyone for quite some time before even telling you.

What the hell was he thinking?! mad I agree with you 💯% that he continues to make poor choices.

Amen to all of this.

Do not listen to the judgey people, we are here for you.

I have a relative in a somewhat similar position (although he knew it was a possibility he had father the kid all along). She reached out to him when she was in her 30's and they ended up having a good relationship, however, his wife didn't want to meet her and the dad never went around the OW.

Whatever you decide is ok. You are allowed to have boundaries. I think when cheated on we start to look at boundaries more. Don't let people tell you that you are being controlling by having boundaries for yourself. You can make boundaries and he can choose to respect them or not. And you can leave if he won't. Or you can leave now. You have choices here. I am so sorry you are struggling. Regarding a therapist - I started seeing mine in March and haven't ever met her in person. You may be able to find a betrayal trauma therapist in the next big town that will do all online.

Your post has brought back so many memories for me. We were 46 years married when I found out about my husbands affairs 40 years after they happened. I had always suspected the first one, and asked him so many times over the years if he had been faithful to me. I always got a heart felt "no" from him. Finally I told him that I knew that he had had sex with this women and he broke down and admitted that he had looked her up when he was in her town and spent the night with her. This was 6 weeks after I had given birth to our daughter. We had a son who was 2 years old. I thought that I could handle one night, one slip, but then he dropped another bomb. He said that he wanted to be completely honest with me that there was more to tell.

During this same time period, he also had had sex a "few times" (memory lapse after 40 years) with my very best friend. They both have said that it was a very short period. Less then 2 months. But the kicker is that this couple stayed in our lives for years after this indiscretion. No guilt, No shame. No problem being together. She was married at this time. I got to be a witness to the relationship that he had with her after the sex. She asked him to be a guest speaker at a company event, we visited back and forth at each other’s houses, we played card games with them, travelled with them etc. I was given the privilege of entertaining a women he had been intimate with. This to this day makes me sick to my stomach when I think about it.

He used no protection with either woman. I asked him if there could be a child involved with the first women. He looked so shocked and said he did not think so. I actually looked up the woman after 40 years and called her to make sure that there was not one.

He swears that he knew after having sex with my friend that he was mentally off track. Talked to a priest, started taking his life with me seriously. He continuously tells me that there were no others and that they just went back to being "friends". She is now completely out of our lives.

Every thing you are feeling is very normal. We are still together. I have major PTSD that I see a therapist for, I am using EMDR to deal with this. I can find no truth in my past memories with him. Looking at any pic, even of our children as babies, makes me wonder what was really going on in my life. They bring on major anxiety. We travelled to many places around the world, we can never bring those memories up, because I do not see the man that took me on them, but instead a man who was being manipulative, selfish and a master liar, so that he could have the life that he wanted and humiliate me while getting it.

My husband handles all my triggers perfectly. He is so remorseful that it is sad. He cries with me. He holds me. He reassures me constantly that he had no idea the side effects that his secrets would cause. He answers any questions. He lets me turn off music (and he is a musician), he never plays any songs that might trigger me (and a lot of them were his favourites). He constantly says that he cannot believe that he did those actions. He makes no excuses and says it was just selfish stupidity. He appears to be as heart broken as I am in the loss of the image our marriage. If his efforts could heal me, I would be healed. His efforts help me deal, but our loss is huge and not easy to get over. But we are moving forward and finding more joy in each day.

Infidelity is so destructive. Finding out years later is even worse at least in my opinion. It undid what I had lived investing my life in. I am married to a decent man who fell off the tracks, he did the right thing for himself by pulling himself back up, but made the wrong decision to lie to me through out our whole marriage. Nothing can undo that.

Listen to the advice you get here. My therapist has taught me to be true to myself first. Say what I feel. Accept what I feel. Refuse judgement by others who have not walked in your shoes. Cry when I need to. Exercise. Eat. Avoid drinking to much alcohol. Sleep.

I will pray for you and your family. I truly would not wish this on my worst enemy.

Any implication that you are a bad mother just because you do not want a relationship with a walking trigger is total horseshit. Immediately dismiss this feedback please. And your husband doesn't get to have ANY opinions on how you deal with any of this. He can fuck all the way off.

You are an innocent party in this too. Just like the OC is. You get to grieve and go through all of if just like anyone else does and that IS OKAY.

I am so sorry that you have experienced this massive betrayal. The way your WH has handled all of this has just made it worse. Please keep posting here, we are here for you.

His therapist is telling him to cease all communication for 2 weeks.

With whom? You? The OC? Everyone? If it's just with you, I'd bet my next paycheck that that's a lie.

If you can't get in to see an IC right now, at least go to your primary doc and get something for the anxiety and to help you sleep, Like Tush said. Also, I highly recommend getting a giant smoothie from a smoothie store and sipping on it throughout the day, if you can't eat. Have them add supplements for stress.

Big, big hugs.

I'm so sorry to hear how much crap you've been suddenly hit with because of your wh's actions. Please take care of yourself and put yourself FIRST!

Even though the A that produced the OC (now adult woman) happened many years ago, you are needing to process these traumas as of TODAY:

* a physical representation of the A (OC) - can't be denied that there was a PA
* your wh and your daughters may decide to continue contact with the OC and have her in their lives
* there may be other As

One comment that you relayed from the OC's dad (the one M'd to the AP) had me wonder about the topic of money that I don't think I read anyone else posting about. I'd be cautious - the man who raised her and lived(is M'd to) with the AP said it's wh's "turn to take care of her". Is your wh expected to be her next ATM($)? Is wh wanting to take on that role - didn't wh mention that he wants to make up all those years to her? You mentioned she has a fiancé - is wh expected now to bankroll a big wedding or support her financially? I'd talk to an attorney to find out ways to protect yourself financially if you see this happening. I have 2 younger adult daughters myself - I'd want to protect my assets. The apple may not have fallen far from the tree (AP & OC).

Hi all. Again not a good night and not a good appetite. However, I did finally get a call back regarding a therapist. I have an appointment tomorrow. I want to say THANK YOU @CuriousObserver for recommending the book "Transcending PIS Disorder". I have been listening to it while walking and it has been a tremendous tremendous help! I guess because my incident happened so long ago and it was not his decision to tell me, he was forced to tell me brings with it a lot of the hurt betrayal and questioning of every part of our marriage. We technically did not have a marriage for longer than 5.5 months before the ONS! I guess 30+ years later I am beyond any capacity to assemble some type of sanity.

As I said my husband is a functioning alcoholic. The Transcending book has pointed out that he obviously had issues and trauma of his own and drinks to numb and forget. I knew he had issues, his father was an abusive alcoholic that would beat the kids and rape his mother while he as the youngest listened. He never got help for those issues and never really wanted to talk much about it. Obviously, I also have issues, I have been cheated on before by a past boyfriend who slept with my best friend after 5 years together. The book points out things keep occurring in your life if you don't deal with it internally. My husband complains about my need to control things. I guess that is my alcohol. Trying to control so I don't get hurt again. Guess that was not the solution!!

I know I have codependency issues. I do everything to make sure he is happy. He leaves our home 2-3x a week to go to bars and drink and socialize with others because he likes to be "social." I allowed it. Even though it made me unhappy. My husband has never been a big talker but we have a lot in common as far as what we like to do and things we enjoy together. I am was always happy when we have time and did things together. But, he stopped emotional satisfying me years ago. I have tried to ask him to talk and be emotionally engaged. Told him I was lonely and needed him. Always the same answers of he "doesn't know what to say when I put him on the spot" or he "will try to get better." But it never got better and even though I was lonely I let it go on. Not getting out of the relationship what I needed. He needed sex to feel loved and I always happily provided it. As he likes to compliment me "You never say no." Looking back on it that is not a compliment.

At this point I am trying to just look at me and figure out why I did or do things. Why I have allowed myself to not matter. Why I always put him first. Why I need him so much. I know I have issues with confidence and feel not deserving. Yet, I handle all finances, the children, relocations, maintenance of homes, etc. When he was unemployed during covid I took a real estate class and became a realtor for us to get by financially.

It is the worst thing that has ever, ever, ever happened to me in my lifetime. But everything does happen for a reason. I have officially been off my bedroom floor today for a 4 hour span. If that is my only progress today it will have to be enough. If he doesn't/didn't care about me I need to start myself.

Of course, in a few hours I might be back to sobbing on my floor for days. This tipsy topsy toxic shit is trying to kill me but I will just have to try to not let it win.

I can't say thank you enough to all of you that have been supportive. I am so broken but I am finally starting to look at the pieces to see how they might fit back together.

and yes @13YearR - he was told by the therapist that "the OC is innocent!!" and he should not have any contact with me whatsoever for 2 weeks. I did not ask about and he did not say about other people he could contact idk. Of course his ONS messaged him yesterday saying "She is not to be blamed for screwing up everybody's life" interesting choice of words!! FYI, he gave me his password to Facebook. Although he continues to delete delete delete.

His therapist is telling him to cease all communication for 2 weeks.

With whom? You? The OC? Everyone? If it's just with you, I'd bet my next paycheck that that's a lie.

That's my question as well. If your WH is trying to "cease all communication" with you, I have to doubt that a qualified IC is telling him to do that. So, I'd be seeing a lawyer and getting my options ready.

In terms of not having a doctor or any health insurance, you could always go to an urgent care. Urgent care is available in most American cities and the doctors are typically familiar with all the local specialists.

We all know how difficult it is to get your thoughts under control in the early days of JFO. Try getting a notebook and journaling. Just let the poison flow out to the page, uncensored. A tip from my own therapist, when you're done... write something positive. It doesn't have to be a big thing. It can be about how nice your morning coffee smells or birdsong coming in through your window, just anything upbeat. This will train the brain to LOOK for optimism. Give it a try.

he was told by the therapist that "the OC is innocent!!" and he should not have any contact with me whatsoever for 2 weeks. I did not ask about and he did not say about other people he could contact idk. Of course his ONS messaged him yesterday saying "She is not to be blamed for screwing up everybody's life" interesting choice of words!! FYI, he gave me his password to Facebook. Although he continues to delete delete delete.

Sorry, we were cross-posting before. What I want to know is what are the consequences to him for sticking his head in the sand and ignoring you after dropping this bombshell on you? Because the way I figure it, there's only one of two reasons why he would think his behavior is going to be tolerated. Either A) he already wants a divorce so it doesn't matter, or B) he is so sure that you're not going to do anything about it that he can afford to say and do whatever he wants. Either way, your best bet is to come out STRONG. Certainly, your marriage isn't going to be worth saving if your WH is allowed to continue taking you for granted and ignoring all the work that would need to be done.

See an attorney. See at least three. And tell him under no uncertain terms that you will NOT tolerate any more of his bullshit. If his IC says to cut contact with the wife, he should have FIRED his IC. If he's deleting messages, he can't prove there's nothing going on, leaving you to assume that there is. So, no more. No deleting ANYTHING. If he can't be an open book from here on out, there's nothing worth saving. Be firm. It's okay to cry on the floor when you hang up the phone, but don't allow him to see you as anything other than strong and resolute. You don't need (or want) his pity. You need his respect. This is YOUR life, and you have choices about how you're going to live it and who you're going to tolerate being a part of it. Your WH is most likely conflict avoidant and used to getting his own way. But it's a new day.

Others have posted some great suggestions.

At this point t it may be wise to speak to an attorney about protecting your assets in case of Divorce or his death.

If he has a will and o my certain heirs are named that could exclude the new "offspring". But every state has different laws and IF your H passed away the new offspring could tie his estate up in court for some time trying to inherit. You just don’t know what people are capable of.

Also you should demand a real DNA test be taken to really prove this person is his biological daughter. If it turns out to be true you ha e solid proof. If not then he’s not obligated to be her father and you can move on without that hanging over your head.

One common problem here on SI is when a person get’s info about what the therapist recommended or said through a third party.
Not communicate with you for half a month?
I really don’t see that as something a therapist would suggest. I could imagine the therapist suggesting he stay away from the booze for half a month, but to distance from you… No.

I don’t think there is anything that can be called a "functioning alcoholic". You can have an active alcoholic – one that is drinking or hasn’t dealt with his drinking – and you can have an inactive alcoholic. The later is someone that had done rehab and therapy (be it AA, 12 step or whatever) and is actively working on remaining sober. Your husband is an alcoholic (according to your own words). He’s "functioning" in the sense that he holds down a job and doesn’t pass out in the park or piss his pants or whatever, but there isn’t really anything functional in being in bars 2-3 nights per week. He clearly has a dysfunctional view on marriage and family.

I’m going to encourage you to look into Al Anon support groups. I think help with dealing with the alcoholism could do you a mountain of good.

I have this theory – one based on quite some experience here on SI and personal experience in working with addicts and alcoholics:
While an alcoholic is active there is NO relationship that has a higher role in their lives than the relationship with alcohol.

If your WH wants to drink he will sacrifice you, your kids, his new-found daughter, job… whatever… to keep drinking. I think sobriety is the key factor needed if you want to establish anything close to a normal marriage. His priorities need to change.

But every state has different laws and IF your H passed away the new offspring could tie his estate up in court for some time trying to inherit. You just don’t know what people are capable of.

Good point. And so far, the only little bit of evidence describing her character is NOT particularly promising ...

Her father however, text my husband saying he had "taken care of her for 25 years and now it was his fu*king turn"

ETA: This, from Bigger, is so good it's worth reading AGAIN...

I’m going to encourage you to look into Al Anon support groups. I think help with dealing with the alcoholism could do you a mountain of good.

I have this theory – one based on quite some experience here on SI and personal experience in working with addicts and alcoholics:

While an alcoholic is active there is NO relationship that has a higher role in their lives than the relationship with alcohol.

If your WH wants to drink he will sacrifice you, your kids, his new-found daughter, job… whatever… to keep drinking. I think sobriety is the key factor needed if you want to establish anything close to a normal marriage. His priorities need to change.

There can be a lot of comfort in sharing with a group, and a lot of strength to be garnered. The term co-dependency springs from the dynamic between alcoholic and unintentional enabler, so Al Anon is an excellent choice for getting support dealing with it.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:25 PM, Wednesday, September 8th]

OP - I am sorry you are here.

Either A) he already wants a divorce so it doesn't matter, or B) he is so sure that you're not going to do anything about it that he can afford to say and do whatever he wants.

IMO, I think it's B. Her WH probably knows OP well enough that with time she will forgive him given their time together. In his twisted mind, he probably thinks OP's motherly love is unlimited and with no bound that eventually she will accept her and forgive his indiscretion.

Echoing TheFirstWife, please seek help immediately should the suicidal thoughts surface again. Take care of yourself and don't make any decision until you find your emotional footing.

Sending strengths.

The same way OP's character should not be ripped to shreds for NOT wanting to know the OC

Neither should the OC's for WANTING to know her bioparent. I am not even sure how it came into the conversation but now this woman's character is being questioned for reaching out to these people who she believes she has a bio connection too. Probably at the encouragement of OP's husband.

OP you ARE NOT a villain for saying NO to a relationship with this woman. Her existence is painful to you. You have EVERY SINGLE right to say no to a relationship with her for HOWEVER long you need to...and if that means NEVER then it means NEVER. Screw who says otherwise.

Things aren't absolute...

OC can be a good person...and still unintentionally cause OP pain
OC can want to know more about where she comes from....and not have a relationship with OP.
OP can decide to never look/acknowledge OC...and still be a great person
OP can decide to accept OC...in the after life and still be a wonderful person.
OP can eventually believe OC deserves a relationship with her daughters and do NOTHING to facilitate it

The absoluteness doesn't help OP. Making OC an insensitive fortune hunter doesn't help OP either.