SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You have simply been handed a raw deal. Your husband's concern should be 100% on your welfare, not some 25 year old who he just happened to be the sperm donor. She has parents, a family and a fiance. Fine, she wants to know her medical history, but no, she should not be allowed to interject herself in your family's life. I don't really have a hell of a lot of sympathy for the "new daughter" and I think your husband is a POS. She doesn't seem to be concerned about the chaos that has followed her. She has parents, your husband isn't one of them. Enough already. Again, your husband most likely had a second affair 15 years ago. If, after all the dust has settled and you still desire to be with this person, make him take a polygraph as a condition to beginning reconcilation. You need a history of all his indescretions. I bet there are many.

IC will be good for you. Get strong, excercise, work on a career, get back into real estate if that is what you desire. Live for yourself, not your POS WH. I supppose if he becomes the model husband from this point forward you might have a reason to stay, but that doesn't look likely. Definitely go see a lawyer to assess your options. I've been through infidelity and for many years I wondered if I was the biological father to my son. It turned out that I am. I would have loved him, regardless, but I would have disowned him if he decided to contact and establish a relationship with the OM.

Please take care of yourself. Do not allow the horrible actions of your POS WH harm you any further.

I can tell you from my own experience and finding out on dday1 my H planned to D me that I was blindsided.

Then in dday2 he again walked in the door and out of the blue, demanded a D for no reason. He just wanted out. Well a little investigative work and I found out the OW was still in the picture snd false reconciliation had been in-going for months.

He thought an apology was all he needed and it would be over. Just like in the past.

But this time I stood up to him and told him to get out and that I was D HIM!!! He was now being blindsided.

That was 8 years ago. I now have much more day in our marriage and I’m not a doormat. He died t take me for granted snd he knows I will not back down

If the WH is thinking this is what will happen I hope the betrayed wife finds the strength and courage to not "forgive and forget". He needs to prove himself for quite some time before he can breathe a sigh of relief.

It’s time to be brave snd stand up for yourself. Al-anon snd counseling and a financial plan and even a good attorney and support team can make this a reality.

I didn’t have SI to support me snd I was in my own. People were telling g me to R and give him another chance. I was like "hell no this was his last time lying and cheating on me" so I figured it out on my own (with an excellent t therapist).

At dday2 my exit plan was in place e with w ouch $ to support me and kids got a full year if he never gave me another penny.

Be brave. Don’t be a doormat like me.

Hugs. Our stories are very similiar, but I've been married 10 years longer and he had his ONS when we were pregnant with our 1st child after 8 years of marriage. A DNA test thru a genealogy site, all private. I found out, nobody knows. I confronted him. He confessed. I was anonomously communicating with his adult bastard for weeks, which so far my WH has no interest in meeting. IMO he and his ONS decided to have a one time fuck, so I don't feel the least bit sorry for the bastard, the ONS whore, or my WH. They didn't even know each other's name. Seriously. Life isn't fair. It is what it is. It has been hard for me, I was/am devastated. It has been really hard, but I've been seeing an IC to help me and I take great care of myself. Nobody is worth total destruction - not even him (WH, the love of my life). My WH is embarrassed and he has showed this to me - which has been weird to watch. He changed into something else when I was looking right at him on DDay. Horrific. It has been so much this last year or so. He has traumatized me. I still break down, but I know that I will be okay. Stay strong. I keep telling myself to remember who I am, and be true to myself. I am worth it. As for the rest, I'll know the answers when they come to me and figure it out as I go. My advice - cut off all the parts that are overwhelming you. You don't have to deal with your WH, the bastard, the ONS, or anybody else that you don't want to for whenever you don't want to! You don't have to explain yourself, respond to anything! Fuck them all! (I never used to say this word). :) In the moment - distract yourself with something that you want to do for yourself.

I think I am having more difficulty processing the needed immediate contact with the new daughter than anything else. The fact that he didn't tell me for so long after her found out. The fact that he took that time to talk with her, her family, fiancee and ONS -BEFORE he told me. The fact that he continues to put her needs and his needs before mine. The fact that he is continuing to shout "she is innocent, innocent, innocent" at me.

I can't imagine how hard this has been for you. I'm wondering if he took time to talk with her, her family, etc. was because he himself wasn't sure how to tell you and wanted to have his own bearings in place. Not excusing his behavior at all. And while he's right in that she's innocent, he should be compassionate towards YOU and your needs right now. I'm sorry that he isn't. Others gave great advice (therapy, seeking an attorney). Ignore those who are painting you in a negative light; they are not in your shoes.

The same way OP's character should not be ripped to shreds for NOT wanting to know the OC

Neither should the OC's for WANTING to know her bioparent. I am not even sure how it came into the conversation but now this woman's character is being questioned for reaching out to these people who she believes she has a bio connection too. Probably at the encouragement of OP's husband.

OP you ARE NOT a villain for saying NO to a relationship with this woman. Her existence is painful to you. You have EVERY SINGLE right to say no to a relationship with her for HOWEVER long you need to...and if that means NEVER then it means NEVER. Screw who says otherwise.

Things aren't absolute...

OC can be a good person...and still unintentionally cause OP pain
OC can want to know more about where she comes from....and not have a relationship with OP.
OP can decide to never look/acknowledge OC...and still be a great person
OP can decide to accept OC...in the after life and still be a wonderful person.
OP can eventually believe OC deserves a relationship with her daughters and do NOTHING to facilitate it

The absoluteness doesn't help OP. Making OC an insensitive fortune hunter doesn't help OP either.

I’m glad to see at least one other person think this way. I wish the best for all the innocents involved.

InShock25yearslater

I have been thinking about your situation and here is my honest assessment:

I don’t really think that the OC is the main issue. She’s a fact – the question is what sort of relationship you want with her. That’s totally your choice and can be anything from near non-existent to semi-surrogate mom. But its YOUR CHOICE and there is no right or wrong there. I do however think that there is no realistic way you can limit other adults from deciding what THEIR relationship with her is and that any attempts to control that are doomed to fail.
There is no rush for you there. You can get the message across (if you want to) that you need time to evaluate all the implications.
I strongly support those that have suggested you check out the legal implications. I am fairly certain nothing happens automatically and that your husband can’t legally be defined the dad without your acceptance or knowledge BUT DEFINIELY seek legal advice on that.

Frankly I don’t think possible past affairs are the issue either. We already know of one affair he can’t refuse. Chances are there were more. But it only becomes an issue IMHO if the real issue is dealt with:

His alcoholism.

No – he is NOT a functioning alcoholic. He’s an alcoholic.
I have some experience in dealing with addictions. Both professionally (LEO), privately (relative) and as a volunteer with a recovery program. After spending time here on SI I have seen so many instances where the spouse of an alcoholic comes here due to infidelity, but the normal advice we offer – and works! – just doesn’t work for them. I have even seen several instances where I suspect the affair took place because the alcoholic spouse wanted to focus the marital problems to infidelity rather than the drinking. Sort of "I’ll deal with screwing around if we don’t talk about my drinking".

I also know that having spent all these years with an alcoholic you are probably as codependent as can be…

This is why my honest – heart-felt suggestion would be this:

YOU go to Al Anon. Get the help you need. Do this no matter what he does. This might give you the strength of demanding what change you can do, or what you are willing to accept.

Request that he seeks support for sobriety. Make it clear your decision on the future will be based on where you are 2-3 months from now, and that might be where his ongoing drinking isn’t accepted. I personally am very supportive on ACTIVE AA work with ACTIVE 12 step with a sponsor. Intense once-a-day meetings for the first week, several times per week after that for some significant time. He’s had a lifetime to adjust to drinking – it takes time to adjust to sobriety.

What this gives you is a platform for him to be honest. Part of 12 step is the accountability and honesty. I am 99% certain there were other women. If him having had other affairs is your deal-breaker then file now because they ARE there. If however lies and deceit are your deal-breakers then this is the step you want to reach.

Once sobriety has been attained – even for a short time like 60 days – you two can start working on the marital issues. Until and unless he’s sobered he will ALWAYS fall back to the love that controls him – alcohol.

The OC? Take your time. Who knows, maybe she won’t have any legal implications. Maybe her half-siblings will tire of her. Maybe she’s a great person and you get some extra grandkids to dote about. Just let time calm things over and focus on what IMHO is the real issue.

Please pay attention to Bigger. Every word is golden. As a spouse you have had to lie to yourself for years about his drinking. A family member of mine was using the same definition of her husband. He went to work every day until his organs began to shut down. His death was " pancreatitis". But we all know his drinking is the real cause. You have been able to live with this since he isn’t a "real" alcoholic.
I hate all this has happened to you. It isn’t fair. You have been the anchor in your marriage.
Get a lawyer.
Find a therapist.
Be prepared for the child you are married to to make all this your faoult.
Have clear boundaries.

I agree with Bigger. This young woman is here, in your life. Your husband is probably going to get a lot of mileage, and years of fun, out of his new "toy". All you can do is look after yourself. You can’t change another person, but you can, most definitely, change the way you deal with him.

Obviously this is unfair to you, and obviously your husband was wrong then and in the last few weeks. I do encourage you to have compassion on the 22-year-old girl and be willing to extend grace to her. She had nothing to do with this other than being conceived. Please be open to accepting her--I don't know what language works here. But please consider her needs in this time.

It seems to be clearer and clearer his need to keep me in the dark. He "allowed" me his password to Facebook not without reservations in his voice and "Why". He is not tech savvy at all and does not know how things work. Of course my job to help him fix everything when he is having a problem.

So I logged into his Facebook on my phone. In the middle of the day/night I am getting messages of him talking to his ONS. Of course he says "don't contact me, I am having problems with my wife" She says ok what about her daughter?" He is not saying: THIS WAS A ONS I DON'T NEED TO EVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN! YOU LIED TO ME FOR 25 YEARS!

Because I was driving I didn't have time to look at it immediately. By the time I pulled over it was DELETED. Mere seconds after it was sent/received. I freaked out about to him. Not a good conversation! Of course he was saying I was contacting her to tell her not to contact me! I said the issue is you deleted it even after I asked you not to delete delete delete anymore! How can you repair trust when it is still being broken!!!!!!

He said my therapist told me to get off all social media.. I went to log into his account today. He changed the password yesterday. It is such a horrible feeling being lied to over and over when your brain is making excuses your heart wants to be loved. It is sheer torture. Today is the 2nd day I haven't talked with him. It is killing me but I need to think about myself and if I don't it could be the death of me. This rollercoaster is deadly I want and NEED to get off! It is just so very very hard to be together for 30+ years and believe all was a lie. Convince myself I cant care. He is not who I thought he was.

I am so sorry! Have you seen a divorce lawyer yet? I would divorce him ASAP. And learn the community property laws in your state. If something happens to him and your state is like mine, unless he has a good will drawn up, this new daughter is entitled to a portion of your husband's portion of the home. Might be best to divorce either way and have home and other assets in your name only. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Don't consider this daughter at all, that is HIS ISSUE. You take care of YOU!

I am so sorry for you. I don’t know what your H is thinking BUT it is obvious you are nit be included in any decisions he is making regarding this situation.

He continues to disrespect you again and again.

I don’t care about his job but he should have been on a plane heading home the minute he found out about this.

You should be his priority right now.

So he continues to hide across the world to avoid you.

He’s not an alcoholic hies a lying cheating jerk!!! One who refuses to accept any accountability.

I suggest YOU stop focusing on the marriage and focus on you. Your healing. Your sanity. Your future. With or without him.

Maybe not talking to him will stop the warp you are in. He lies you catch him he changes his password and hides from you. Repeat. Repeat.

Distance and some professional counseling can provide you with some clarity.

I’m sorry for you.

I have read enough. Your husband is a POS, no doubt about it. Go stay with family or friends if he returns early. Not a bad idea if you could have someone to stay with you to console and be there to help you through this horrible betrayal. Divorce his sorry ass ASAP. Get a shark for a lawyer and run his ass into the ground.

Tell your daughters and everyone else what he has been up to. He is a first-rate pig. Get rid of him.

[This message edited by src9043 at 10:11 PM, Friday, September 10th]

The reality is you only know the tip of this iceberg

The reality is you only know the tip of this iceberg

^^^^this!

When I first found out about WS infidelity I set up with a therapist and had a phone consultation. I said that my WS admitted to "XYZ" and she said "you never get it all right away. I am not trying to upset you, I want you to brace yourself that there is more". And I'll be damned if she wasn't right!

It all looks great right now for all of them, but I bet it won't be later. Step away from all of it. Save yourself and leave it alone - you don't have to be a part of any of it. I agree with obtaining legal advice, an IC, and even Al-Anon - all for you. This mess will all play out regardless of what you say or do. Let them all have each other. When the dust finally settles, he'll be regretting all of it. By the time that happens- you won't want him back. He's lucky you ever looked at him twice.

Thank you again for all your love, support and comments. Today was not a great day. It was officially day three in the books out of 14 NC days. The silence has however forced me to look at situations prior and current. I have determined he is insane and currently driving me to insanity. Which honestly is all a good thing. I have lost my bearings and that's ok. The more I talk and the more I hear from/to all of you, I definitely feel more empowered.

I know this is a long road and I am trying to be patient with myself. I am not in one extreme anymore (the one of sobbing on the floor for hours at end) I am fluctuating back and forth between sanity and insanity. Which at this point 7 days in I am proud of myself for that. It is something. It is movement however tiny it is in the right direction. I will get there and there will be a blood trail along the way, but I will get there.

I will seriously try to keep journaling, continue counseling and do whatever is necessary however difficult to propel myself forward. If I didn't still love him this would be a hell of a lot easier.

I hear from friends that he is having a very difficult time too. Not that I should take comfort in that but unfortunately I have to admit that I do. Suffering is suffering, I do not wish this one my worst enemy.

Exactly how is he suffering? It just drives me crazy when I hear there’s some wayward spouse in pain because their affair has ruined lives. I do not believe for one minute that a decent therapist would tell him to stay away from you for two weeks. That makes absolutely no sense. This is the time when you and he should be deciding exactly where you are going from here and you can’t do that if you’re not communicating. Has he completely closed off communication with you? Then I think you need to communicate with the lawyer. You need to know where you stand financially if for no other reason.

Unfortunately he only has access to a "Sports Psychologist". So, my guess it that the psychologist does not have experience in the field of relationship issues! Regardless, he reached out for help as I asked.

I am working on me. I am now in counseling and am slowly finding my way with her help.

Music has been such a big part of my life. It has been a struggle during this time to find healing in music anymore. One love song (and I have come to realize that there are a lot of them!!!) brings me to sobbing again and again.

I have since found my make me feel stronger song. My go to song for courage and strength:

Phil Collins "In the Air Tonight". It is spiritual, angry, and about deceit ("it's all been a pack of lies" - "the hurt doesn't show but the pain still grows").

The "I can feel it coming in the air tonight, O'Lord" lyrics I relate to my struggle to renew and rebuild myself - little by little day by day I can feel it coming.

I would love to have a thread to see what other songs are out there that have helped people in their feelings of despair! I'm desperate for a playlist. Please anyone share and let me know why it means something to you.... thanks!

I agree with Marz.

He told ONS...."you lied to me".
Meaning he asked/suspected that the child was his.

I bet if you dig a little deeper you will find that he probably suspected and reached out periodically over the years. But ONS rebuffed him because she was with her husband.

Take care of yourself. I won't tell you to be open to meeting/engaging with OC..that's shouldn't even be in the radar.

Given your husband's alcoholism and lying...there is much more here.amd he has a lot of work to do to be safe.

Your only priority right now is YOU. Not him, not OC. You. And don't feel bad for taking care of YOU right now.

Today was not a great day. It was officially day three in the books out of 14 NC days.

This is one of the most disrespectful things I've ever seen a WS do, and I've been studying infidelity for a long time now. What is your response to that??? Is it just to let him treat you any way he wants to because you "still love him"? What have you gotten out of that? From here it looks like a husband with a 25 year cheating history, who more than likely has cheated on you periodically throughout the marriage, and is so conflict avoidant that he believes he can just dump all this shit in your lap and then IGNORE YOU for two weeks.

My own fWH went on a nine months long Craigslist binge with multiple partners and various levels of emotional attachment. And I firmly believe that the only reason he's still with me now is that from DDay on, I REFUSED to take any more insult from him. That very day, I told him I knew what he'd done, that I was getting a divorce, and that I didn't even care to hear his explanation. And then I mosied on, doing the 180 before I even knew what it was. A week later, HE wanted more time and was willing to promise me whatever I asked to get it.

I can't promise you that if you get tough with him that you'll get the same results. Hell, I wasn't playing any games. No tactic or gambit. I meant what I said, and it was all my fWH could do to slow me down and stay in the game. But what I can tell you is that in a WS state-of-mind, when they're not really sorry, they'll treat you like shit and your marriage will STILL be in jeopardy because it's being further damaged. My advice to you would be to try and put your emotional response on the back burner, and I KNOW how hard that is, believe me. But TRY an attend to the practical matters before you. See an attorney, or three attorneys. See a financial planner. INSIST that your WH treat you with respect. Find out the true extent of his perfidy. Take your time making your "stay or go" decision. You're going to be processing the emotional aspects of this betrayal for the next 2 to 5 YEARS. There will be time for dealing with your feelings. But the practical matters set the tone for everything else to come. TAKE CONTROL of the process. Your WH is in no position to dictate terms to you.