SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi SI. I read these horror stories but never thought I'd be one to experience mine. Sorry for the long post.
A kind Redditor actually showed me this website. I can post my reddit posts as the situation unfolded if you guys want for more context.

So it's been 3 weeks and I honestly have no idea how to feel. My fiancee and I have been together for 6 years. I love her dearly, and she loved me dearly too. We've had our ups and downs but I would do anything for this girl. I just wanted to see her be happy. I was happy to take care of her for the rest of our lives together. We had one year where we were long distant, which was really hard on the both of us. Needless to say I was happy when we closed the distance and began planning the wedding.

One week prior to the wedding I learned from a friend that she had cheated on me. I confronted her the next day and she confirmed everything. My world, my happy married future was shattered right then and there. Apparently she had EA for over a year since we started long distance. The guy came to see her 3 times and she committed PA, however she adamantly denied having sex (reddit really did not believe her). I was so stunned, heart broken, and distraught that I later recognized were probably signs of PTSD. I'm sorry to all the BS out there this is one pain no-one should ever experience.

In reality I think I held it together pretty well given the circumstances. When I confronted her she admitted she would not have told me before the wedding, which was just another stab in my heart. She admitted that she still had feelings for the OM. This crossed a line and I called off the wedding. I cannot, will not, marry someone who has feelings for others. I know it works for some, but it does not work for me.

What followed was days of immense pain. Calling all my good friends, both our parents (her parents didn't know), their friends, vendors, etc was not fun the slightest. The day of the supposed wedding I was almost catatonic. The day after I went and told her we need to break up. She cried and begged and sobbed her heart out, which made my heart ache for her. After all I could not undo 6 years of loving her in a single week. Reading the resources and threads here I'm surprised to see that this behavior from the WS (or WF in my case?) is actually very common.

Few days later she wanted to reconcile. She said she would do anything to make us work. She was really sorry. She loved me more than anything. After reading stories here again I am surprised this is all very common WS/WF behavior. I asked for a few weeks to cool down.

So that brings us to now, 3 weeks from D-Dday. I tried to talk to her a few times, and I'm just confused about everything. Now in our relationship I was always the emotionally strong one, the more caring one, and she has always been a bit immature. She also had trouble with deep communication, while I was very happy with communication. She is obviously hurt, and she is very hurt by me not trusting her. However all her actions seem very.... self defensive? When I asked to read through her messages with the OM she said she felt violated. She said things like she wants to do what it takes, but if I can't trust her then I can't trust her so what's the point. She made a mistake and she's wrong but she doesn't know if she can pay for it the rest of her life. Who is this person I'm talking to? Where is my loving and supportive Fiancee when I'm so clearly hurt and traumatized by her actions? Again reading threads here it seems she is more sorry vs. remorseful. If that's true then this is a very hard pill to swallow, as I truly still care so much for her. Maybe she's still in the affair fog? Last time I spoke with her she said while she did NC with the OM she still could not get over him yet.

At this point I honestly don't know how to feel about anything. 3 weeks ago my blissful happy self was dragged out and brutally murdered. I feel like a shell of a former person. I'm just so sad now, sad about the life we could of had together, sad for how I feel like I have nothing, even sad for her for what she must be going through.

Currently I am leaning against reconciliation based on the lack of support I'm getting and her actions post D-Day. Maybe I'm reading my situation wrong in that case would love to hear some perspectives.

I am so scared right now. I am scared of being cheated on again. I am scared of never getting over this if we do reconcile. I am scared of being single at the age of 32. It truly is a shit sandwich. What are even the chances of finding the right one at my age? I never thought much about it to be honest, and even the thought of it now scares me.

Thank you for reading and giving your advice / perspective if you choose to.

Dude. Come on, now. She's lying about the sex.

Run.

You're 32? If you're a moderately successful, healthy man you're going to have a very easy time finding someone else.

Don't even think about that right now. Just get clear of this shit show.

Next her and move on. No kids. No entanglements. Nothing. Get as far away from her as you can.

No, you will never forget this. And it would be a shadow over your relationship forever.

Not many here would recommend an unmarried betrayed try to reconcile with an unfaithful fiance.

She's unsafe at any speed. And she just showed you exactly how very unspecial she is. Let her go be with her AP -- they probably won't last.

Stop trying to put her back on the pedestal she just dynamited.

Get out now. Stay no contact. Remove reminders of her. Start drinking water and pick up an aggressive exercise routine.

Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "The Way of the Superior Man."

[This message edited by Thumos at 6:14 AM, Wednesday, October 13th]

She made a mistake and she's wrong but she doesn't know if she can pay for it the rest of her life.

It wasn’t a mistake. It was a decision she chose to do. Infidelity is a life long gift.

Right now she’s just sorry she got caught and she’s still in love with her shiny new boyfriend,

An EA with him coming over is sexual. Cheaters lie a lot. Sorry. They weren’t playing checkers and watched TV. She only told you about what you could prove. Pretty common. You only know the tip of this iceberg.

32 is extremely young. You are in shock but that will pass once your heart catches up to your brain.

She’s not marriage material.

I am so sorry for you but you did the right thing by cancelling the wedding.

I can tell you that everyone I know (and people here at SI) who were cheated on prior to marriage, then married that same cheater, were cheated on during the marriage. Some were married to serial cheaters and some were occasional cheaters but all of them — ALL OF THEM. - were cheated on more than once during the marriage.

You need time to heal and figure out what is best for you. This betrayal may be a dealbreaker for you. If it is — you need to acknowledge that this is how you feel and there is no hope to salvage the relationship.

Healing takes a long time. It’s not like it’s over in 3 months. Far from it. I just don’t want you to have unrealistic expectations.

You might benefit from professional counseling. Please consider. I had a great person who saved my sanity during my H’s affair.

Please keep posting here. You will get great advice and support.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:28 AM, Wednesday, October 13th]

OMWM - I am so sorry for the reason you had to find your way here, but you couldn’t find a greater group of people willing to help.

I think you’ve made the right decision in leaning towards non-reconciliation for several reasons. As you’ve noted, she’s regretful for getting caught, not remorseful, this is especially evident in her defensiveness. She didn’t confess, she was exposed. She not only cheated on you, but fully intended to start a marriage with you built on the foundation of that lie and entering the marriage having feelings for the other guy. As she stood at the alter, she was going to be in the midst of an affair, pledging fidelity, and making a whole bunch of other promises that she had NO intentions on meeting. She is still lying, he didn’t come to visit her to go to book club meetings with her. He came to have sex. She was doing all of this right under your nose while planning a wedding to you as you were clueless.

She said she would do anything to make us work.

When I asked to read through her messages with the OM she said she felt violated.

So that "do anything" was a lie, she’s still prioritizing herself and being manipulative making herself out to be a victim of her own damn actions. Sheer delusion to be astonished you can’t trust her. She’s admitted she doesn’t want to do the work for reconciliation as "she doesn't know if she can pay for it the rest of her life." She wants you to rug sweep this. She seemingly has no empathy and is minimizing this as a "mistake". Mistakes are forgetting to add laundry detergent to a wash. Think of all the millions of choices and decisions she made, all the lies she told, all the plotting and planning she put into execute her affair. That’s no mistake. That’s deliberate with forethought.

You aren’t shackled to her by legally. No children. Go NO CONTACT. Terminate all communication, and no she deserves no further explanation. This is not a woman capable of fidelity, honesty or empathy. You will never be able to trust her, for good reason, she’s wholly undeserving of trust. Look what she was going to do by marrying you with this massive lie. An engagement is a precursor to a marriage, her audition consisted of lying, cheating and scheming. NC is necessary to heal and accelerates that process.

You’re young. If you’re worried about starting over at this age, think of how much harder it will be in years as you’re older, and have to disentangle from this woman, because no marriage to her will last. And then she will be entitled to 1/2 your shit, alimony and maybe child support. There are plenty of women with the same and better attributes that this woman has that won’t try to marry you while cheating and having feelings for someone else.

No contact. Therapy specifically with a betrayal trauma specialist. Go on a trip. Move or redecorate where you live. Hit the gym. Start a new fitness routine. Eat healthy. Stack your money, build your business/work towards a promotion. I doubt this is your first dance with adversity, you’ll overcome this like you have previously.

Do you know how many people wish they would have been blessed to have known before they entered a marriage with their cheater, or had kids with their cheater? Don’t be a fool. Buy a gift for the person who exposed her. Stay busy. Good luck to you.

Dating pool maxes out around 35 because you can span more years reasonably.

No kids, no house, no business. Just walk away.

Good luck.

So very sorry you are here and going through the infidelity grinder. Your instincts are very good. Your WF’s reaction is typical and immature if you don’t mind me saying so. Her infidelity was not a mistake. It was thousands of deliberate decisions over a long period, done with no regard for you and your relationship. She acted extremely selfishly.

She needs to do a ton of work on herself to become a safe partner for anyone. It takes humility to face ones most shameful actions. Most can’t do it. So far she is trying to convince you to rugsweep.

Something you mentioned seemed incongruous. You called off the wedding, and the day after the original date of the wedding when you told her you were breaking up she begged and sobbed. And yet she continues to admit she has feelings for her AP? Really! Who does that? How does that make you feel? “Hey, please don’t break up with me you are my plan B. Forget about that other guy I have deep feelings for. We’ll be fine.”

Most importantly, read in the healing library. Get tested for STDs. Stay active. Take care of you. Get into IC. You have suffered an emotional trauma. Stay in contact with family and friends. You will get through this. Your reactions and fears are normal. You are still young and have your entire life ahead of you. Sorry you are going through this.

[This message edited by fareast at 8:56 PM, October 12th (Tuesday)]

Deep down in my logical mind I think you guys are all right. Emotionally it's still a shock and hard to pull the trigger right now.

Regarding IC what are some ones to look for? Like CBT and stuff? Or medication? I have no medical benefits so am a bit worried of how much it'll cost.

Something you mentioned seemed incongruous. You called off the wedding, and the day after the original date of the wedding when you told her you were breaking up she begged and sobbed. And yet she continues to admit she has feelings for her AP? Really! Who does that? How does that make you feel? "Hey, please don’t break up with me you are my plan B. Forget about that other guy I have deep feelings for. We’ll be fine."

When I confronted her she said she still had feelings for the OM, so I called off the wedding. Afterwards when she reached out a few days later for R she said she went NC and got over him. I was happy but after a while seemed suspect that you can get over someone you cared for for a year so easily. Last time I spoke with her I asked if she truly got over him and she said no. That's what prompted me to ask for her conversation with him and she said she felt violated. Hopefully this gave a bit more context.

Yeah after hearing she didn't get over the OM I'm not surprised, just very disappointed and sad. It would be very hard for me to get over an ex in just a couple days.

and she is very hurt by me not trusting her.

Ah man. Sorry OP but I laughed when I read this. What an absurd thing for her to say.

Hang in there. Calling off the wedding was the right call.

I know you're hurting, sorry man. But it must really suck to be her right now, wedding called off because she cheated. Owwee.

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 5:44 AM, Wednesday, October 13th]

These things take years to get over. You are just 3 weeks out and still in shock. It’s perfectly normal. You still have love in your heart now mixed with lots of other emotions. You’re not close to ready to try any rebuilding and she’s not yet a safe person who can be a part of a new relationship. The old one may be dead, but it definitely is still warm.

So make her no promises. You were right to call off the wedding. Tell her you will never be with anyone who has someone else in their heart and if she ever figures out what she wants, and if it truly is you, she starts rebuilding but showing you everything. All the texts. Writes a timeline of every interaction between them, including sexual. No secrets. No protecting him and keeping things precious.

If he is the love of her life, who are you to keep her from happiness. She should be with him. But you will not be in her life if that’s the case and I recommend being as NC with her as possible. Total if you can.

All that said. I have to be honest with you. She broke trust. She was with another man intimately for a year. You’re never gonna look at her the same again. At least not for a long long time and probably only if you meet up down the road, years from now and decide to try again after experiencing life with other women for a while when you are ready.

She has a lot of work to do on herself. You can’t do it for her. And it’s not a quick fix. She needs to start therapy with an Infidelity specialist for a long time. I wouldn’t even talk to her about a possible future and how she can make you feel safe again until she’s been in such counseling for at least a year.

Reconciliation is not for the faint of heart. And from what your have written, she is in no way yet a candidate.

I could give you 25 things she should be doing right now. Honestly begging aside, she’s not doing even one. She has a long way to go to figure out what it means, truly means, to be remorseful. And honestly, she’s thinking g only of herself right now and not a bit about the pain she caused you.

I tell all BS’s here, move on. If they say they’ll change, move on, if they promise they’ll never do it again, move on. If they say they’ll do the work, move on. If they even start doing the work (we can discuss what that entails) move on.

Until they’ve ACTUALLY DONE THE WORK, actually put in the sweat and effort to show you what a life with you truly means to them. Fixed themselves in therapy. Opened themselves up to you completely. Found disdain for the AP who helped them hurt you so greatly, the man she claims to love, and so many other things, you move on.

If she is one of the rare few, who can put in years of effort. Only once she’s done that and proved to you she’s committed, then, and only then, do your offer even discussing the possibility of rebuilding a new relationship.

That’s my advice. And from the outside looking in right now, she doesn’t have it in her. So start detaching. Move on.

Finally look at my tag line below. I was in a similar situation as you. A year later, I found the love of my life. I have never regretted moving on from a cheater I knew didn’t have it in her to fix what she did, and didn’t hold me solely in her heart.

At this point, while I would advise you to run far-far away, you're not quite in the right head-space to hear that.

You've done well so far, but remember, R is not something you offer, it's something she earns.

Right now you can't believe a word she says. She says she went NC, however, do you know that for a fact? If she was not discovered, you would have started your married life paying for her to bang another guy when she would go out for "girls night".

She feels violated due to you not trusting her? Red Flag

As far as your age, you're perfectly fine. I was no longer any where near my peak when I remarried at 41.

In a weird twisted way, you're incredibly lucky to learn this when you did instead of 1 week later when you would have had legal issues to add to the problem.

It sucks, it really does, the pain is real. However, the pain goes away eventually. I have no real advice on IC as it wasn't on my radar when I went through my D. But I can tell you that when you get over the fear of being alone (ending up alone won't happen), you'll be well on your way to healing and being thankful that you dodged a big bullet.

confronted her she said she still had feelings for the OM, so I called off the wedding. Afterwards when she reached out a few days later for R she said she went NC and got over him. I was happy but after a while seemed suspect that you can get over someone you cared for for a year so easily. Last time I spoke with her I asked if she truly got over him and she said no. That's what prompted me to ask for her conversation with him and she said she felt violated. Hopefully this gave a bit more context.

Cheaters lie a lot. That’s all you’re getting. Pretty common.

You described a very immature person. She sounds about 15. She is probably a fun, outgoing girl who looks good on your arm. That does not make a marriage.

If you read enough here you will find that ws who lock and hide their phones are not going to be faithful. For whatever reason they give themselves permission to cheat. Why in the world did she agree to marry you? Again it sounds like she was focused on the wedding and not the marriage.

I don’t necessarily think you need therapy. You need a buddy, and us, to unload to. The person who needs therapy is the child who is now saying, "Poor widdle me." became she can’t wear her wedding dress.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 7:11 AM, Wednesday, October 13th]

I know it doesn't seem like it and don't take this wrongly but it's pretty clear pulled a Neo here. I see you as very lucky to have seen who she is NOW...before the wedding. Can you imagine not knowing and being married to this person under these circumstances?!? You are very lucky indeed. Bullet dodged.

Being engaged is a test. She FAILED. Move on.

You have no entanglements right now. She has already cheated on you and probably would have continued to cheat on you with the OM if you married her. Cut your losses and move on. I know it is tough to hear but how can you ever trust someone like her who has no intention of being transparent. To top it off she still has feelings for the OM. I would advise that you go NC and move on. It will be hard, but you will save yourself horrible heartache down the road when you catch her after there are children involved. Don't be a fool.

To quote Meatloaf, “I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that.”

In other words, she lied when she said she would do anything to R, so she is not a suitable candidate for R.

As others have said, time to move on.

You are young and have most of your life ahead of you yet.

Imagine putting 50% of your current and future assets at risk for a cheater.

[This message edited by ramius at 2:33 AM, October 13th (Wednesday)]

Sorry but not remorseful means she regrets getting caught. The fact she will feel violated if you read the messages means she is lieing.

Move on! You don’t want to have children with someone you can’t trust through the exciting time of the wedding.