SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The last few weeks have felt like a dream. I say that, because for YEARS I didn’t believe my marriage could ever be better than just ok. I was so jealous of happy couples on social media. I even deleted people because they were a constant reminder that my marriage sucked compared to everyone else’s. (Turns out almost all of those couples divorced lol Goes to show social media can be a load of BS)

But here I am now with a husband who treats me with such adoration, respect, and tenderness, I really don’t know what to do with myself. 😂 Mostly because this is the same man who was distant for years, selfish, and ya know… a fucking cheater. The same man and the same woman who had no idea how to resolve conflict. Who were hardly ever intimate. Just going through the motions while harboring resentment towards each other. Somehow those two people have figured out how to do this marriage thing, and actually make a pretty damn good team.

BUT… what the fuck? 😂 We could have gotten here without all that other bullshit, and it’s annoying. I can’t even fully enjoy this "new marriage" with this "new husband" because I’m still so skeptical. Still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Yesterday my husband cleaned the entire house, did all the laundry, took care of dinner, and still made sure to make our intimate time all about me. 7 years ago, I could only fantasize about that (And boy did I) The other weekend he planned a guys day with my brother and brother-in-law. Something he would never have made an effort to do in the past. Thanksgiving was so wonderful. We had an amazing date night this past weekend. He is always putting me first and somehow I have naturally reciprocated.

BUT… what the fuck?? 😂 It’s so weird and I kind of struggle with thoughts of "how much of a sham are we? This is all fake. We can never be the happy couple because of what he did."

Anyone else experience this when things actually started going well?

**It hasn’t only been like this for the past few weeks and that’s it. It’s just taken me all of almost 2 years to allow myself to really acknowledge the change and growth in him and our marriage. If that makes sense.

So happy for you Underserving!

We could have gotten here without all that other bullshit, and it’s annoying. I can’t even fully enjoy this "new marriage" with this "new husband" because I’m still so skeptical. Still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Yep and that's the next stage - how do we live in the moment and not roll back to the past as an indicator of our future? It is hard and it is still work for me but the sting of infidelity has abated at least.

Let's look at all the good things. You have both done the work and you are both reaping the benefits of that work. I wish it wasn't at the cost of infidelity trauma but alas it is what it is.

BUT… what the fuck?? ?? It’s so weird and I kind of struggle with thoughts of "how much of a sham are we? This is all fake. We can never be the happy couple because of what he did."

Yeah I felt like a sham for years after d-day and now I can say what the "f" we worked hard and got here through grit and determination. We did the work and deserve to be happy in our M. The same for you. Like you said the other "happy" folks on social media are giving you what they want you to know rather than underlying reality.

The M is for you and by you and you get to enjoy it no matter what anyone else thinks.

Underserving, thank you. I really needed to read this today. I am not quite at this point yet but am hopeful that we will get there.

It is so wonderful for your husband to set aside his selfish nature and embrace being a different partner with you. I too am seeing this with my FWH. It is a refreshing change.

I also have a hard time trusting that it is real.

After six years of my wife being kind, generous, honest, and listens to all 2 million complaints I have expressed about the A and my recovery — I’m starting to buy in.

We’re as real and as close as we have ever been, and that includes the glory days before the A.

Because the M always used to have a gamesmanship component — one or the other of us compromising or taking — instead of giving to the other.

The best thing that happened in our MC is that line above.

If one is always giving to the other, there is no need for compromise, or one of us feeling like we have to sacrifice for the other.

I still ask the question now and again, did the A have to happen in order for us to get HERE?

The answer is - it doesn’t matter.

I can’t change what she did. She can’t change what she did.

The only thing we can control today is how we treat each other….today.

I hope your healing continues.

If your husband keeps it up, you may eventually feel that care and consideration (however late in arrival) is as real as you need it to be.

I tell you...I could have written this post because I felt the SAME WAY!!! WTF???!!!

My H witnessed the trauma I had from my 1st H's infidelity and the toll it took on me. I remember him telling me once to focus on US instead of what happened in my 1st M...because he was NOT a cheater like my 1st H. It took decades...but my H ended up joining the "cheaters club" and it put me back in infidelity HELL .

We also almost separated once...and he almost crossed a line with infidelity that time. We worked our way out of that mess...and kept saying how BLESSED we were to dodge that bullet. Then a few years later my H stabbed me in the heart .

I often thought about that part that you said...and many others have said on here as well...we COULD HAVE gotten to this point in our M without the trauma of infidelity...so WHY THE FUCK didn't we???!!!

After MUCH thought...in MY opinion...WE actually couldn't have gotten to THIS point in our M without infidelity happening because there wouldn't have been anything else that would have made us put in the work we needed to get on THIS track . The A was NOT about US at all. It was a symptom of my H's brokenness. I knew my H had issues...and I certainly had issues too going into our M...so I accepted him as he was. Only...my H kept pushing that infidelity boundary with drinking and pornography...until it was so blurred and he figured what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. He was WRONG .

I will NEVER say the A made my M better. The A destroyed my precious M . But after the smoke cleared and the ashes settled...there was still a foundation that was solid enough to start again . We BOTH had to change our way of thinking and work HARD at getting the M we have today...but it has been so WORTH IT !!

Like you said...I often wondered if it was a sham M. How in the HELL could anything GOOD come from something as horrible and EVIL as my H betraying me??? It didn't make sense. Yet...GOOD things were happening. I couldn't deny them. My mind and heart were in turmoil...but my GUT...which had been screaming while my H was overseas fucking another woman...was amazingly calm.

Little by little...I started pushing myself out of my self imposed post infidelity comfort zone. I knew from reading about the "limbic lag" that the way I could retrain my brain to not instinctively go into the "flight" response with my H was to have positive experiences with my H. Soon I found that things I thought I would NEVER be able to have again after infidelity...were actually coming back . The more I was able to get back...the easier it became for me to go after more things that I thought I had lost forever!!

Something else...my H told me a year or so after we started R how he wasn't sure when we first got together HOW to go about doing things for ME. He didn't want to screw things up and have me resent him. So he just didn't do anything. I never seemed to have an issue with it so he just let it go. However...ON Dday...I issued ultimatums. I told him that he had been selfish throughout our whole M...and he was going to have to show me he was UNselfish IF he wanted me to stay in our M. I honestly didn't think he would do them. Not only did he do them...he surpassed my wildest expectations !! He told me one day how EASY it really was for him to think of ways to do something just for ME...and that he wished he had had the courage to try this before. He actually LIKED thinking up things to do for just ME!! That was an epiphany for sure!!!

I took a "next step" about 3 years ago...and it was the SCARIEST thing I ever did. I took that LEAP and started being a "giver" in my M again . That was the last hurdle I had to face in order to be WHOLE...but it was by far the hardest thing to do. I TRIED many times to do it before...but that limbic system really works well at trying to protect us from BAD experiences. My whole body would ACHE at just the thought of being a "giver" again. So...for Lent...just 6 weeks...I made myself be submissive to my H. Not as a doormat...but in the biblical sense...trusting him completely. I figured I only had to do it for 6 weeks...and if it was too much...I could always go back to where we were in our R. It was alright...I could be happy with the way things were going. But...for ME...I knew I wouldn't be WHOLE without being able to be that biblical wife. After Lent...I KNEW I could do it...and I have never looked back !! I don't believe I will ever have the blind trust again...but I have taken back...or OWNED...so many things I thought I would never have again...so I will never say NEVER now !!!

You're HEALING...and it is a beautiful thing to see on here . Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us on this site! I really do ENJOY reading your posts !!!

Underserving,

Great post! Thank you!

I can totally relate to this.

My former serial cheating, rug sweeping, unremorseful, unempathetic, cruel and cold-hearted wife has TOTALLY changed into a caring, loving, affectionate, remorseful, empathetic partner who listens to me and prioritizes me and does everything I could possibly ever want from a dream wife.

Initially I thought it was an act and that she was just afraid I would dump her and expose her. I would never expose her because I am too embarrassed by what she did and what I let her get away with and the fact that I did nothing about any of it. I did tell her I was going to divorce her a couple of years ago, but she talked me out of it with the usual begging, crying, pleading, etc. And that is when she really changed.

But she has consistently without wavering been this new person for about two years now. I no longer think it is an act.

Even after I started to believe she was for real and really loves and appreciates me now, I did have a WTF attitude for some time. Maybe I still do a little. It is kind of like, WTF, why couldn't you have done this all along instead of waiting 38 years into our 40-year marriage? I also had the feeling for some time, and also maybe still a little bit, of WTF, we could have had a great marriage but now all I can ever have is a good enough marriage. (She has never blame shifted in any way and always says that I have given her a great life and a great marriage that she never deserved, and I do think I did that and have always tried to do that.)

I try hard to live in the moment and just enjoy the good times and warm loving relationship we have now. Sometimes it is hard, but I have a good therapist, and am doing really well (I think).

The other thing that still bugs me sometimes is the unfairness and inequity of the whole thing. She hid some of her affairs and some of the worst details of the affair I caught her in from me for decades. If I had known then what I know now, I could have moved on or had some of my own fun. But who knows? Maybe I would not have moved on. And seriously I do not think I have it in me to ever be a lying cheater; it is just not me. But it still chaps my ass sometimes.

Oh well, at the end of the day I am happy that she changed and I do love her. I will be OK. Maybe even happy?!?

Thanks everyone!! I love all the encouragement. :)

I think I’ve been waiting for him to fuck up. Counting on it really. I was warned that waywards are good at "faking" it for a while, so I needed to be prepared for his mask to slip. Either that SOB is gorilla glued on, or he’s really becoming a man we are both proud of. I still need some more time to feel "safe" but for now I am cautiously hopeful. Which is a giant step for me. Lol

PS sorry for all the curse words. In the future I’ll try not to use them as often 😂

Great post Underserving, you and your H have come a long way. It think it is normal to think WTF? when it’s going good. We do expect that mask to slip and I’ve seen my W slip a couple times recently and I’m on it. I’m not going back there.

Onward and upward I’m so happy for you two.

Wow your stories are amazing! Successful reconciliation is a real possibility??? I can hardly believe it.
I am currently leaning heavily toward leaving even before trying R because of all the failed stories of R. Relapse, bitterness, more affairs, time wasted, etc. etc. Especially with my WH who has had 2 A’s and is selfish and lacks empathy. I just don’t want to deal with any more pain so I wanted to cut my losses now and get out.
But your stories are making me reconsider! @underserving, @oldwounds, @want2behappyagain, @Betternowreally
I would love to learn more about your R stories. How did you arrive at this place of happy and restored marriage? What made you guys the outliers in the sea of failed R’s?

OK this is kinda creepy… I haven’t been on in months (update post coming in a minute!). I finally FINALLY pop in and the very first post that catches my eye is Underserving, whose journet has been somewhat parallel to mine, sharing the exact same sentiments I am feeling.

Get out of my head girl!! Also, I’m so glad to read things are going well.

DailyGratitude

I would love to learn more about your R stories. How did you arrive at this place of happy and restored marriage? What made you guys the outliers in the sea of failed R’s?

Not on the list but I'll weigh in since we've been R for 18 years.

I think the thing that makes or breaks a successful R is a truly remorseful WS who is willing to do the dirty work of taking responsibility, showing remorse, making amends, and digging into the root causes of why they chose to betray a person that they swore to love until they died. That's not an easy ask of someone who has been living in such a thoughtless, selfish manner.

Of course the BS has a role to play as well. They have to be ready to support the process, look at themselves, and consider what they need to reach forgiveness, or at least acceptance.

We've been happily R'd for 18 years but even though my FWW did a lot of work and eventually became a model FWS, we didn't do it as well as we could have. I didn't get all of my questions answered and I internalized the blame inadequacy that my FWW heaped on me immediately following Dday. I went to IC but our therapist was certified in blame shifting and rug sweeping. I thought she helped at the time but I recognize now that treatment has an expiration date on it and it's past due.

I do wish that my FWW had offered to revisit the questions I never got answered. She spent a lot of time here and eventually came to understand the importance of being transparent. In fairness, she had to wonder whether I would I wanted to revisit all that. I was a world champion rugsweeper by then. She was active here for years and I literally never read a word of it.

We're revisiting all of that now and it's a relief to finally shed all the blame and shame.

Underserving

BUT… what the fuck? 😂 We could have gotten here without all that other bullshit, and it’s annoying. I can’t even fully enjoy this "new marriage" with this "new husband" because I’m still so skeptical. Still waiting for the other shoe to drop

This is an important point for me. I sometimes see people say things like, "We got through it and now we have a better marriage because of it." The slightest suggestion that an A was a necessary or inevitable step to improving a marriage makes my blood boil. It's better because you've dealt with your issues, not because you had an A. The fact that someone is too self absorbed and selfish to realize that they should seek help before they betray a loved one doesn't mean that was the necessary course. It was just one more selfish, hurtful choice.

I certainly don’t feel qualified to share my "R story." It’s not your average experience. I found out 3 years after my husband’s affair. He had already become a night and day version of himself. After d-day, there isn’t much that man wouldn’t have done to keep me, or to make amends for his crappy choices. I realize that isn’t the average betrayed’s experience, and want to be honest in sharing mine.

Yes, the whole point of my post was basically "what the fuck?" 😂 Because it IS hurtful he didn’t choose to become this man until AFTER he broke my fucking heart. And it DOES feel like a sham more often than not. And that’s ok for where I am at right now. Maybe one day it will feel more real, but for now, it’s a whole bunch of WTF?

Ps I did NOT keep my promise to calm down on the cursing. I will not be making any further claims that my foul moth will become any less foul.

[This message edited by Underserving at 2:37 AM, Wednesday, December 1st]

Hi @Undeserving I'm so happy for you!! You are deserving and worthy of love that is respectful, adoring and full of tenderness as we all are too.
My story is similar too and I'm indeed so grateful that after the pain of infidelity my marriage was healed and that true reconciliation came for us. My experience and faith helps me to understand that people are capable of change and no one is beyond redemption even with their past failures.
I know the journey of R is not easy and does not always work out the same for everyone but when it does and there is complete healing of emotions, then it's so worth it and truly wonderful.

I hope there will be more success stories on here to encourage all of us that there can be light at the end of the tunnel.

Keep enjoying your marriage and don't let those niggling thoughts get in and spoil it. Wishing you a lifetime of continued happiness in your marriage.

I would love to learn more about your R stories. How did you arrive at this place of happy and restored marriage?

If you want to know more about MY R story...then go to the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread that is pinned at the top of this Forum . My first post is on page 9...and it brings back GOOD memories of our journey together towards R .

What made you guys the outliers in the sea of failed R’s?

I used to think the same thing you did. WHY wouldn't people who were in successful R's come back to share their stories?? Now that I am on the "other side"...in a successful R...I get it . We aren't the outliers...we just haven't left yet !!

It is hard to explain...but for ME...I don't NEED SI anymore. I used to be on here nonstop. I couldn't sleep much after Dday...couldn't do much of anything really. But I PORED over this site...looking for some kind of HOPE to get out of the DESPAIR I was in. That feeling of betrayal...it just damages your soul .

One thing that helped me was reading the positive stories...but not that many people would put them on the thread that was done FOR positive stories. Positive R story threads don't get nearly as many posts as other threads...so within a few days these stories are gone from the 1st page and people don't see them anymore. However...in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread...they STAY . Some people don't even realize there IS a thread for positive R stories !!! Now that I have plugged my FAVORITE thread on here...I will stop writing about it !!!

For ME...I didn't know about SI until a few months after Dday. But I did do some things that are recommended on here that helped in putting us on a path to R. The first thing was that I was willing to LOSE my M in order to SAVE it . There was NO "pick me dance"!! It NEVER works. NEVER.

Like I said in my previous post...I gave my H ULTIMATUMS on Dday. I told him he had been selfish throughout our M...and I accepted him for who he was. I would NOT accept his selfishness anymore! I honestly didn't think my H would agree to any of them. But he did...and he went over and above what I required!!

I also came up with a PLAN not too long after Dday for what I wanted MY life to be. I wanted a happy and healthy M with a loving and faithful spouse. I told my H that if he wanted this too...GREAT. If not...I would find someone who did!! My H totally agreed with this plan...and we started down the path to reconciliation together .

My H and I had issues that we each needed to address in order for us to heal. I delved into researching how our brains work...and my H turned to God . I would love to say that I turned to God at that time too...but I actually lost my faith in Him . Thank God that He gives us more chances to redeem ourselves !! Surprisingly...my H and I helped each other heal from what we learned . I can honestly say that my faith was restored and enriched when WE put our attention to God! We now do a daily Bible Study at the start of our day...and it makes the rest of our day MUCH more full of PEACE...Thank You God .

Last but definitely not least...BOTH spouses have to be ALL IN for R to work. There were times when my H had to do the heavy lifting to get us over a hump...but there were times when I had to do it too. I didn't sit back and watch while my H healed our M. I played an active role in it as well . In order for US to have a happy and healthy M...I had to work toward that too. It took a LONG time and a LOT of work from BOTH of us. But now that we are on the other side...it feels soooooooo GOOD !!!

I wasn’t going to share this, but I think it’s important to share the lows as well as the highs.

The past couple of days have absolutely sucked, and I have no idea why. Nothing has happened. My husband hasn’t done anything "wrong" but I have had this uncontrollable anger and sadness towards him. A friend pointed out that d-day is coming up, and so is our anniversary (by FAR the most triggering day for me) so perhaps it is lizard brain working overtime. But it’s sooo disheartening to take such big steps forward, just to crumble to the ground and think you can’t do this anymore. Sometimes it feels like I will never be free of the heartache, and it’s overwhelming.

Again, I just wanted to share I’m not over here living in rainbow land just because my husband has done everything "right" or because I do think our marriage has actually improved. Betrayal trauma gives zero fucks.

So now I will ask, has anyone else experienced this in the days or weeks leading up to an especially triggering time? out of nowhere with nothing that caused it, and you feel almost helpless to these overwhelming emotions?

So now I will ask, has anyone else experienced this in the days or weeks leading up to an especially triggering time? out of nowhere with nothing that caused it, and you feel almost helpless to these overwhelming emotions?

Oh gosh YES...I had that many times. Heck...A season doesn't even start until May 11th for me...but when January 1st would come around I knew I was going to have to go through those dates again...and I would get so depressed.

You are only 1 week away from Dday...so it could easily be your lizard brain acting on that HORRIBLE experience. It was ONLY 2 years ago Dear Lady...but look at how FAR you have come !! You are WAY ahead of where I was at the 2 year mark...so I think you are doing very well! Also...for ME...the anticipation leading up to certain dates was actually worse than the actual date itself .

Another thing that I have to mention for ladies...is that during PMS...I was a basket case at times. The funny thing is that my H knew I was having PMS before I even realized it . Once he started pointing it out to me and I was able to track it...I knew I could get through it . Do you think that maybe this could be some of it too?

My wife had an LTA, so everyday can ‘be’ A season for me — so my Lizard picked the day it started, which was August 1, a couple weeks after our anniversary.

August of 2020, we were sailing along. Four plus years after discovery, and I thought I was finally done with giant triggers.

My spiral that entire MONTH was likely my brain telling me things can’t possibly be this good.

I worried my wife quite a bit, she hadn’t see me that way since the first year of recovery.

Ultimately, I tackled each issue as it came up. I was clearly still mourning, at some level, what had been lost. I was completely unable to focus on the good we had in front of us. Not that everyday was like year one, but it was a deep, dark downturn. My brain went through the checklist of yes, all that horror show happened and I’m still standing.

Within a week or so in September, it was gone.

No wacky triggers, I guess I processed the feelings enough to convince Lizard brain it didn’t need to be on guard.

August 2021, I spent a couple days reflecting, did the checklist in advance, acknowledging what the past was and the month went by fine.

No overwhelming days like that since. But I’m also waking up with someone who goes out of their way to show me everyday that I’m loved.

It’s actually kind of nice to KNOW my Lizard brain is on standby alert. Searching for red flags, scanning the horizon for threats — armed to the teeth in case life goes sideways. I used to get mad at ME for taking so LONG to recover. But again, Lizard brain good. Me like.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 5:52 PM, Thursday, December 2nd]

It’s actually kind of nice to KNOW my Lizard brain is on standby alert. Searching for red flags, scanning the horizon for threats — armed to the teeth in case life goes sideways. I used to get mad at ME for taking so LONG to recover. But again, Lizard brain good. Me like.

Very good stuff right there. We all have learned to trust our gut and let the lizard brain do it’s job. It’s getting to the point of trusting that it will be there for us, so there is a fear of letting go and being vulnerable again.

"@underserving, @oldwounds, @want2behappyagain, @Betternowreally
I would love to learn more about your R stories. How did you arrive at this place of happy and restored marriage? What made you guys the outliers in the sea of failed R’s?"

I do feel happily reconciled with my wife and pleased with that, but I do not want to give the impression that I am totally fine all the time. Damage was done, and things are not as they once were. I am better, pretty good most of the time actually, but not perfect.

I think these things helped me and my relationship with my wife:

1. I got a good therapist - probably THE most important factor.

2. I stood up for myself. (This was hard for me.)

3. I refused to allow any further rug sweeping. I demanded that we talk, that all my questions be answered, and that I get to have my say. (This was hard for her.)

4. She finally got it. She finally stopped her selfishness and her guilt/shame pity party and took a hard look at things from my perspective and focused on my pain and healing. (Without this, I believe we never would have truly reconciled.)

5. She realized that her words understandably meant nothing to me and she needed to take action to prove she was worth keeping and was safe (enough) to want to keep as a wife.

6. I indicated what my boundaries would be and that the days of "I will never leave you" were gone; that if she cheated again, disrespected me again, or let her family disrespect me again, I was divorcing her. She saw I was not joking around about this because I had the divorce papers started. I actually was at the point that I was going to divorce her.

7. She proactively set things in place to reestablish trust and worked very hard and continues to work very hard at making me feel sincerely and authentically cherished. She got to the point where she realized what an awesome husband I had been to her and how much she had taken me for granted and abused me without cause.

8. I continue to make the effort to be a great husband, whether she deserves it or not (I think she does). I agreed to stay and give it a last try, and I feel that I must make a good faith effort to do so and make the best of things. And while she benefits from this for sure, it helps me as well because it makes me feel good about myself, knowing I am the best I can be (which means a lot to me in all aspects of my life). It probably makes it easier for her to want to please me as well (although at times it makes her feel pretty low for all the years she wronged me without cause because she herself says that I have always treated her well, "like a princess").

Anyway, that's what I can think of off the top of my head.

Best wishes to you! Good luck! Do NOT settle for less than you deserve! I will not be doing that ever again.

1) All the sentiments of your first post. 100%

2) All the sentiments of your follow-up, too— the weeks and days leading up to d-day still suck 5 years later, as does my daughters birthday (affair was ongoing when she was born). It makes me sad and pisses me the fuck off every year that my beautiful baby’s birthday is a trigger for me. But it is. And it will be. And it means nothing about how I feel about her, or our world now. Still just sucks.

3) As you can maybe tell by my language, I feel strongly just you should NOT cut down on the cursing. I feel SEEN.
(Never cursed this much before becoming a BS. It changed me, lol)