SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How much do they suffer?
How do their lives change?
Are they suffering like the BS? Are they in emotional turmoil like the BS? They had fun during the A and now they either have their spouse back or are out of the marriage having fun as a single person.
All the while, the BS is left with the devastation of A.
I would love to know what happens to the unfaithful.

It depends on the WS. If they really get it and understand the magnitude of the damage they've done, they may suffer. If they become truly remorseful, do the work to understand what went wrong with them, and do the work to make amends to their BS, they probably suffer a lot of sadness, guilt, and shame. Dealing with that is hard enough that many, maybe most, WSs just avoid it completely and hope they can get away with regret.

It's considered bad form to "compare pain" but I'm going to. Truly remorseful WSs who have let go of all the blame shifting and justification to assuage their guilt have the unique pain of knowing that they're responsible for those terrible choices and acts that hurt their BS so deeply. That's something that they'll carry for life. It's significant.

But they can never really understand the depths of the harm and pain they've caused their BS. Nobody can understand the devastation of being betrayed by a loved one that you trusted completely unless they've lived it. The complete shattering of your reality is a unique type of trauma that a WS can never understand.

I think Seeking2 nails it.

And, in the long run, how much does the WS' suffering really matter to the BS or the BS healing?

IOW, say the WS suffers like h*ll... does the WS suffering ease the BS' suffering?
Or say the WS does not suffer and instead compartmentalizes and rugsweeps.... does THAT help the BS' suffering? or healing?

I spent a TON of time/energy being royally PISSED OFF that my WH can cruise thru his day w/o a care in the effing world, while I was completely destroyed and a total basket case. The injustice of it all was overwhelming at times.

Today, I think the injustice is something we must learn to accept. No amount of my WS's suffering will ease my hurt or undo the damage he did by his selfish choices. And the good news is that there is someone who can ease my hurt - ME. And the tools I've learned in working on my healing are ALWAYS available to me.

My XWH doesn't have the same emotional turmoil from the A, but he's got his own issues. He's got a personality disorder, so it's unlikely he'll ever change. He's pretty negative, and he's probably going to be a miserable old man.

He is suffering on some level. He's moved 9 hours away, so he won't be involved in our kids' or grandkids' lives. Frankly, our kids really don't want anything to do with him and his new fiance.

We had our house paid off, and were neighbors with family. We sold the house. He took early retirement, but has to work because his pension isn't enough to cover his expenses. Plus, he recently totalled his car - second one in 3 years.

His life has changed. He did try to apologize, but it was all about him. He sent a selfie of him crying.

Many cheaters do suffer. They suffer knowing the pain they caused.

Those that don’t suffer just don’t care. And that will never change.

I just hope those that have true regret and remorse can forgive themselves and go in to do better.

Do they suffer pain like the BS? No. Absolutely not. The one who is hurt suffers the most, just like in a break up. That's just how it is.

Feeling terrible for hurting someone pales in comparison to the pain of being hurt.

Infidelity diet is my evidence. Does the WS lose 20 lb in a month? None that I've ever heard. Not unless the BS files for D, then the shoe is on the other foot.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 2:03 AM, Tuesday, January 18th]

If they were capable of suffering, they could not have cheated in the first place. I am talking about lo g term cheaters, not some one night stand deal.
The sheer volume of lying, the attendant cruelty, the comfort level they have leading double lives lead me to see them as cpwithout consciences. No one with any semblance of a conscience could pull this off and still be as functional in their lives and work as my XWs were.
I have seen no evidence that they suffered at all.

All depends on your definition of "suffer". Just last week in our MC session, my wife broke down about my total lack of trust in her. She wanted to be seen as "trustworthy". MC told her that, in order to be considered "trustworthy" that her actions needed to be more than just "I haven't had another A."

She didn't like hearing that because she is having trouble reconciling what she did with who she believes she is (even 5 years later). She is reaping the consequences of her actions (and inactions) for the last 5+ years.

I don't hang anything over her head. I don't intentionally remind her of things she said/did unless it comes up in a session with our MC. MC has, in fact, asked me to be more assertive in the sessions. I have held back because I know how it shoots Mrs. Cap's anxiety through the roof. MC told me that she (MC) needs to see that happen more in the sessions in order to help Mrs. Cap properly handle it.

That anxiety (and depression) has taken a pretty big toll on Mrs. Cap physically. I'm sure there is also a major mental struggle as well.

So, is there "suffering" in Mrs. Cap's world? I'd say that there certainly is.

As are actually human and tend to suffer. What Mrs cap is going through is actually common.

Yes.
Depends on R/D etc.
No.
No.

In R there is a lot of work. Recompense. Some sort of pain. It isn't the same as what the BS faces.

There is also the permanent cost of integrity. Even if they become mostly safe, they can't undo the lies and the A.

My sister had gall bladder surgery. My father was upset that she didn’t tell him and his second wife (AP). It never occurred to her to tell him.

My father finally attended a sporting final where my older brother’ daughter was competing, and she won the State Championship. She didn’t know who this man was.

My father’s prostrate cancer metastasized, and he before his final decline he asked me ‘have I been a good father?’. My answer was ‘no’.

The behaviours which made them cheat don’t completely go away, even if they try (like my father did), and the cheating makes a lot of past good memories inaccessible, for want if a better word.

I loved my father, he was admirable in many ways (truly), and I am also terribly disappointed in him. I’m disappointed in him in part because I knew he could have done better. And at some level, he knew it.

I think there was some regret, and also a lot of strategies to avoid those feelings when they came up. He use alcohol, travel, workaholism and blowing all his money to distract himself. I miss him though.

There really is no comparison in the level of pain, in my opinion.

Sure, a truly remorseful WS can experience intense regret, understands the damage he/she has caused, and sympathize with the BS's suffering, but it's apples and oranges.

As we all know, being betrayed by someone you love more than life itself is immeasurable. The million factors (lies, deception, the intimate acts, etc.) of the affair are like a million knives stabbing into our emotional flesh for years. The waywards don't get triggered by the tiniest of details that get burned into our psyches with red hot pokers. They don't deal with the blunt trauma of being betrayed. As we have learned, many WSs reflect on their infidelity with a musing sense of sentimentality.

So, in my humble opinion, whatever level of pain a WS may feel as a result of their affair is a drop in the bucket of the pain of the betrayed.

He did try to apologize, but it was all about him. He sent a selfie of him crying.

Wow. Just wow.

My observation is the suffering flips at some point in time. Early on the suffering the BS encounters is gigantic - it is immeasurable and like nothing else we've every experienced. In that way, I'm not sure the WS experiences that acute trauma that is so debilitating. We unfortunately get the win on that one. I was incensed that I was perseverating every second of every day about the trauma. He seemingly went about his day as normal and I felt anything but normal.

However, it seems like in the long run the WS suffers much more because once they have recovered they have to live with who they were, what they did and the permanent impact on the ones they love. I don't know how to live with that because as a BS in the long run we still have our integrity from that point in time.

If the WS doesn't recover, they live in shame which brings on extraordinary anxiety and insecurity of the worst kind.

I hope in time you can learn to not worry about your WS in these terms and instead concentrate on you and what you need to heal. You are the most important part of your healing.

I totally feel you about the unfairness - they got to play and we get to suffer for it. It hardly seems fair.

They do seem to claim they suffer. Of course, who can believe anything they say?

My ex really never understood how devastated I was when I found out about her cheating. She wasn't around for all of the first holidays as a single man and just how difficult those were for me.

She also wasn't around when I decided to not let her have space in my head anymore (easier said than done, I know) and chose to start getting better. She was off in unicorn land and not dealing with a house or bills or anything of that sort.

This year, however, as the holidays came around, she started communicating with me and whining that she was just realizing what she had lost.

she really doesn't have any family anymore (my sons just barely acknowledge her) and she lost my family and has lost most of her friends and colleagues over it. Hell, her own sister came to my family's Thanksgiving instead of going to the ex's house.

Funny how my world and network continues to expand and her's continues to shrink. Karma I guess.

I think like others have said it really depends on the WS and if they ever get to a point where they see reality. I am certain my EX feels some of the pain from her actions, but likely still cannot correctly identify the source for this pain. Even after being divorced for a long time and her just being someone I used to know from my perspective. She still tries to invents all kinds of ways I am attacking and abusing her. Of course I have not initiated contact of any kind in years and my mind is filled with so many other things, fun thing, things that bring joy to my life, but I'm sure she needs to believe it's all me because if it's not me then she needs to own who it really is and that's not something she appears to be able to do. I find it sad she cannot pull herself out of the hole she dug for herself. Thankfully that is no longer my problem!

I would love to know what happens to the unfaithful.

My 1st H didn't suffer at all from his cheating...until I started seriously dating the man who became my 2nd H. It could have been because I was doing the "pick me dance" for the longest time with him.

Once he decided I was THE ONE...he was showing the suffering from my lack of interest. I told him that if he worked half as hard at our M as he did trying to get me back...we would have still been M. YEARS later he ran across my sister and told her that if I would allow it he would come back to me in a heartbeat because I was his true love. He said this while married to someone else...he NEVER changed .

My 2nd H suffered in a different way. He got so MAD when he read the reply from the adultery co-conspirator the day after he sent her a NC message. He couldn't believe she actually LIED to him !! Yet he had told me how he had continuously LIED to HER in order to keep her coming back to spread her legs for him !!!

Months later my H said he was embarrassed that he actually believed the adultery co-conspirator and had come to trust what she had said. He found out what ALL affairs are about...he was USED...just like he USED the adultery co-conspirator. That wasn't a good feeling for him.

I do agree that I DID suffer very much...at first. But as the trauma subsided and I got stronger...I no longer suffer . I am still ME . My H had to go through a LOT to become the person he is NOW. I don't EVER want to have to go through that. Some WS don't have the courage to go through that transformation to become a better person. To ME...that is the ultimate suffering...to never change from using people. They will never know what it is like to truly LOVE someone.

I'm sure everyone involved suffers to some degree, but I doubt it's ever the same.

All I know is that on the night I accused my wife of cheating (and on every night since when we've discussed the affair), she can go to bed and be asleep in five minutes. I'm staring at the ceiling at 3AM, while she's already had four hours of sleep.

I guess yeah, it depends on who they are. My XWH isn't suffering over the infidelities. He's suffering because of who he is and the choices he regularly makes nowadays. Every choice he makes is someone else's fault, so he lives like the world is out to get him. He's quite the victim. Last I heard he was an active crack addict and that is guaranteed suffering. That doesn't bring me any joy. It's a waste of a life and I've seen him do better. He's suffering a great deal more than I am these days and in all likelihood he will live out his life in suffering because that is how he designs his life. He can't be happy being happy. He's not able.