SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You came for help. Too bad you are not willing to offer help to another that is in the same situation as you.

To reiterate in different words what others have said - you have become an enabler for the OM and his abuse of his BW.

You know someone is being harmed. You have the power to help that person who is being harmed.

Another point - based on your own descriptions of your WW's reactions to getting caught, it is highly likely that your WW and OM are still in some form of contact. It might be underground or they might be taking a break. Telling OBS will assure that this affair gets blown up. So leaving the poor OBS out to dry might come back to bite you in the ass.

(Edited to remove some wording that might seem like a personal attack. OP please help OBS. Imagine if the situation was reversed.)

[This message edited by LostOpportunities20 at 6:54 PM, Friday, January 28th]

Everyone here is so right. OP go ahead and bookmark this post because I guarantee we are all right and you will come back to this months or years in the future and see that we were right.

Please tell the OBS. There is absolutely no good reason not to except to protect the cheaters.

"this is what I've always wanted for you"

Well how very big of her.

Yes, your story is far from over.

I think it's difficult to consider this an EA. This was a PA only interrupted by you. She fully intended to carry it out. I think you should consider that. And I think you will. Indeed your brain will even if you try to push it away.

Your WW really has no idea about the toxic damage she has done. It's radioactive level, and you’re about to discover that as you live through this unfortunately.

You are in the calm before the storm, your brain and body are in shock and your body has been flooded with endogenous opioids (the body’s own Dr. Feelgood supply) to help lessen the shock.

This is natural, but I want to prepare you for the storm of emotions that comes next -- and unless you are lobotomized this will last for years. I'm not trying to scare you -just keeping it real.

Rug sweeping rarely works and it all comes raging back.

We will be here for you. I recommend reading "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" and "Cheating in a Nutshell" so you can understand the maelstrom. Strap yourself to the mast and hold on.

You're also likely to enter into a state of liminality which is going to make you feel "lost in space" for a good long while. Just know this is normal.

Hoping the best for you.

Give a little thought to the OBS potentially dealing with a life-threatening disease because of her cheating husband. You can potentially stop that and save a life. Yes the stakes are that high. Think about that a little while.

Your situation is not as unique as you believe. Very few are. Humans are less unique and have more in common than we as individuals want to accept. Most infidelity situations follow a a pretty predictable script.

Just wondering how you would feel if you found out your wife had an affair previous to this one, and the other BS did not inform you.

Tell the OBS you have read enough of why by now so let me shift to another observation. You are still trying to nice her back, that’s called the "pick me dance". It’s a huge mistake!!!

You need to put your foot down and take control of this right now. She is still calling the shots and you are being compliant. Ask me how I know?

On Dday I agreed to R and she established the rules. No more snooping in her phone, we must never discuss this and we definitely don’t tell anyone including any OBS. We skipped off hand in hand into to la la land. I found SI 2 months later and discovered she was jerking me around, it was actually worse than the initial discovery.

You had the advantage of this advice on Dday you should look at it very carefully. Kick her out of the drivers seat, you run this show now. She should be begging you for a list of requirements to get your trust back. You never leave your bed, you didn’t defile it. Again ask me how I know.

When I was done kissing her ass and knocked her off the pedestal is when I regained my control in this situation.

I wish y’all the best but I’m sorry to say this isn’t over by far.

You need to know the whole story before you commit to R. Ask for a written timeline.

Also…

She's also told her best friend that she wants him, and she's in full support of her

She has to drop that friend, she’s not a friend of your marriage.

I always say, I'm not a fan of "OBS has a right to know" approach as the majority says.
It's not that I don't find it right, but it's being said as if that's the real purpose here. No, this is a secondary matter.

I think the focus should be, will this work for the BS?
And I definitely can say "yes".
Having an eye watching the other side of the A ensures that WSs cannot move freely.

WSs who think they're living a fairy tale return to reality much quicker when they see how they threw each other under the bus when they were exposed.

Yes, the one who has to be loyal to you is your wife, the AP doesn't owe you loyalty. But making that bastard experience what he did to you satisfies your sense of justice. And this is not a disservice to OBS.
You feel like you take the control and power.
If you don't, they will not face any consequences for their actions. In other words, they do not hesitate to experience the same thing with each other or with others in the future.
They see you as a weak person. For women, this is not attractive at all. While your WW wants to sweep everything under the rug, her already low respect for you will decrease even more.
There's a saying in my language "fear doesn't help fate". So being afraid of doing the things you have to do to avoid losing your marriage won't help you save it.

However, what you do is up to you of course. Good luck.

You not only need to tell the OBS you need to inform the friend’s husband, the one egging your WW on, that his WW is stepping out. And that Sir IS the high road you spoke of.

One of the Reasons Why Rugsweeping Fails In the Best of Situations

Rugsweeping fails, even the best of sitches, because something inside the WS enabled the WS to cheat. Even when the WS simply does not want to fail again, they'll be terribly vulnerable to failing again in some major way unless they address the thoughts and feelings that enabled them to cheat this time. If they don't change themself from cheater to good partner, thay'll remain a cheater.

And rugsweeping fails for sure when the WS doesn't really think they did something wrong. Your W sounds like someone who thinks she was entitled to cheat.

If your W doesn't address her problems now, she's almost guaranteeing extra heartache in the future for both herself and you.

The BS has work to do, too. How can your W possibly know what you want from her without you're telling her? She is not a mind reader. You need to adopt requirements for R so that you and she both know whether she's meeting them. Otherwise, you can only drift.

I've been on SI for almost 11 years. I've very rarely heard 'I told you so' from an SIer to someone who gave advice that was rejected. I've often read 'You told me this' from an SIer who rejected the above advice.

We're here for you. Don't forget us. And if you're the 1 in 1,000,000 for whom rugsweeping works, let us know about that.

Informing the OBS

It's hard not to see informing the OBS as vengeful, but revenge is simply not the reason one does it.

As has been repeated again and again, one does it so the OBS has necessary info for arranging their own life. If one gets a sense of satisfaction from the revenge factor, that's just an added benefit. The main point is to do a favor for another betrayed person.

Note that I'm still pretty angry at OBS because he didn't tell me when he found out, 10 days earlier than I did. He caused me 10 more days of pain. That made my recovery a little bit harder - I'd have healed maybe 11 days sooner than I did if he had called me.

I urge you to take the risk. Be the guy who will help your fellow sufferer. You might like the role.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:10 PM, Sunday, January 30th]

So she is neck deep in a EA yet it is your fault and have forced her to take her rings off? I can bs on that.
She has been in the drivers seat this entire relationship and is still blaming other drivers for her action.
It is not your fault, she is just blaming you cause she can’t see through her rose coloured glasses.
That she is to blame, she typed the emails and texts, she pressed send on the pictures etc.
Start the very rock and push every thing bs l on the person who made the choices.
Regardless get tested for STDs.
Tell her that you may or may not contact the AP’s wife. You will not be seeking her permission prior to this event. Of course she will communicate this to AP. Let him have the sleepless nights as you have gone through. Remember she has the right to know.
One day at a time.

you are essentially saying "There can be good enough reasons to hide an affair". You are doing it right now.

This is one of the best reasons to tell the OBS.

I think the best way that you can leverage the experience here is articulating your aversion to exposure. There are very nice people here who have helped thousands of folks. This is a BIG decision which is why folks are nibbling around it.

OP, respectfully:

YOUR WIFE IS WALKING ALL OVER YOU. YOU ARE BEING A WIMP AND YOU ARE BEING A SIMP.

And...why is SHE in the driver's seat when it comes to your M. Shouldn't she be trying to win YOU back? Meanwhile, you are turning your back on Right by not letting OBS know what happened.

Please...Wake Up!

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 6:57 AM, Monday, January 31st]

I have a friend who works in enrollment at a university. He told me some years ago that with the data they have on applicants they can predict with worrying accuracy how students will fare in their education. They can point to a specific student and predict if he will fail, flunk, drop-out, shine, change majors or be brilliant based on his history, and the experience they have accumulated on other students with comparable history.
However, the exceptions – the ones that bucked the trend – justified giving those that met requirements a chance. He told me that the university tries to identify the ones that were at risk and offer them guidance to change whatever puts them at risk. This tended to be behavioral patterns such as being tardy due to unhealthy sleeping patterns (in parent-language: video games way into the night resulting in missing the first 2 classes), lack of organization, procrastination…

I think this applies to a lot of human interaction and behavior. We might not have the formal detailed data on wayward behavior that my friend has access to on student-behavior, but we know from repeated experience that EAs tend to become PA’s, that the WS will minimize, that it’s extremely rare that the BS get’s the truth to a usable level within the first week after d-day and so on.

The advice we offer on this forum is probably mostly based on that "statistical evaluation" we have. Albeit very unofficial and unquantified statistical information.

In my first post on your situation, I put forth some odds.

For example: The odds of THIS affair really being over is maybe 50/50.
It’s definitely "over" now, but as is its probably only a temporary action. It’s like when you wake up with the worst hangover and promise yourself never to touch alcohol again. That promise lasts maybe a couple of weeks before you decide to have a harmless beer with the guys. Just one… and one more…
It tends to be the same with infidelity. She resents not talking to him, so either she or he might send a message 3-4-5-6 weeks from now "you OK?". That’s it. Short, innocent… and the reply might be innocent too: "Yeah, been rough but things are calming" followed by "well… you know where I am if you need to talk to someone". Doesn’t matter who initiates and who replies – it’s leaving a path open and in MOST cases that path is taken eventually.
Actually I think it’s generally the spouse that thinks it’s gotten away with that initiates contact…

THAT is why you expose to his wife and why you talk to her friends BF/Husband. It’s not revenge, it’s not the morally right thing to do. Both are true though, but the MAIN reason you expose is because it gives your marriage the strongest possibility to survive. Ignore it and you remain in the 50/50 group.

Your responses… the huffing and puffing, leaving for the night, sleeping on the couch, silent treatment… Followed by dialogue you really can’t verify and she controls. ALL classic.

As is the way it goes. After 3-5 night on the couch the same bed, but with distance between. Then the "accidental" my-leg-went-over-to-her-area and she responded… Eventually you find a way to cohabit without really addressing the big pink elephant.
Is it rug sweeping? Well… yes. She hasn’t dived into why she felt entitled to do this. She maybe even doesn’t recognize this as an affair (if it was really "only" emotional) and – because 9/10 do so – minimizes it as "bordering a line" rather than as an affair.
All in line with the 50/50 chance of repeat group.

It’s your call… My friend told me that odds are only odds and sometimes they get someone that graduates on-time with great grades despite a history of tardiness, minimal grades on entry and so on. But it’s an exception – it’s something the note and are surprised about. We don’t want your marriage and its survival to be an exception…

Regarding exposure: You don’t have to tell OMW that her husband is having an affair. What you do is tell the truth:
"I want to share that I have concerns about the communications I have seen between my wife and your husband. I don’t think they are appropriate and urge you to question your husband about them."

Her friend’s husband/BF
"I have seen communications between my wife and F that supported my wife in inappropriate behavior. That communication gives me reason to think you should ask F about (and then you list what indicated she was cheating)"

Tell the OBS. Now.

The affair will end ONLY when your cheating spouse decides to end the affair.

You can tell the other betrayed spouse BUT that does not mean it will end the affair. It just means the OBS knows of the affair. Period.

And if the cheater ends the affair with one AP — there are thousands of cockroaches lined up waiting to take the original AP’s place.

And cheaters have all types of sneaky methods to be in contact etc.

About 10 years ago, I was where you find yourself today. The partnership you entered was destroyed by your WW's actions. You need to decide if you it is possible to rebuild trust and create a new marriage. This is especially difficult knowing what you now know. Imagine you were single and meeting your wife for the first time in a restaurant. As you enjoy dinner she honestly tells you about her former marriage. Is there any way you would consider a second date?

I say this because she must reapply to be your partner. You decide the terms and conditions knowing all you now know. The fact she wants to continue the deception in order to avoid consequences for her affair partner is very problematic. Perhaps your WW has concluded divorce is inevitable... she is certainly acting that way.

Calmly ask her to explain why she would continue to lie for the AP at the expense of the OBS. Ask her when will she be prepared to tell her parents the whole truth.

[This message edited by JungAdmirer at 6:31 PM, Monday, January 31st]

Gently, you came here from a position of weakness because you were afraid to confront your wife about her affair.

You remain in a position of weakness despite the great advice you have been given. You are allowing her to drive the narrative while you tiptoe around the subject. You are not in Reconciliation, you are in a place that is far worse than getting a divorce....in limbo hell. I think you are in shock and denial. How is your IC going? A GOOD IC who is well trained in infidelity?

Please inform the OBS that she is living a lie. Everyone deserves to know the truth about their marriage and the person who is supposed to have their back not stab it repeatedly.

Unless anything has changed, you currently have three in your marriage, you, your wayward wife, and her affair partner. Actions, not words, and the only way to fight fire with fire is to inform the other BS bc this is a war for your marriage, you are headed to losing this battle if you continue to be the nice guy. Your anger will come and you will realize the destruction your wife brought into your home.

It takes YEARS to get through infidelity, not just a week.

[This message edited by annb at 8:43 PM, Monday, January 31st]

RollntheDice - I hope we haven't chased you off.

Please let us know how you are doing. I know you got hit with a lot of hard truths. Please don't run. We are here for you, and want to help you through this mess.

Jeez. I know everyone means well, but how many times do you have to say the same thing? And name calling?

Scared him off? Ya think?