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The chances of this going full PA increased dramatically when she walked out that door without her rings. Now in her mind your marriage is no longer and you have less ability to question her whereabouts. In her mind she has nothing left to lose. He thinks he's gotten away with it. There's a reason why telling the OBS is recommended. Disclosure was a known consequence when they started down this road. They accepted that risk when the started the A. That's not on you.

Not telling the OBS is like wriggling in quicksand in a stubborn attempt to get out, rather than grabbing the nearby branch and pulling yourself out. I don't know what it is about being a new BH. We see it over and over again. Literally every voice from the sideline telling the BH that one of the most fundamental things that must be done, for a number of interconnecting reasons, is to tell the OBS as soon as possible -- even before confrontation as possible. The OBS can be a handhold. A nearby branch. But the BH seems to think he can just keep wriggling by himself, with no handhold, and we watch him sink deeper and deeper.

OP, you need to realize that your WW and her AP are three steps ahead of you. They have already discussed their contingency plans for what happens if/when you find out and confront. They are spinning a web of lies about you so that the OBS will view you as a lunatic crazy man. You're the person in the horror film hiding and cowering, as the hockey mask dude creeps up behind you with a chainsaw. We're the audience screaming at you to run or fight. Do something.

WW stayed on the couch that night so she can tell her OM that her BH forced her to say those things and for him to warn that you may try to tell his wife about their affair.

You must tell this BW asap.

The reason you tell OBS is because OM will throw you WW under the bus. She will see the real him.

Also see an attorney.

Hi all, sorry for the lack of replies from my end. It's been a different kind of week.

Since my last reply things were a bit different on the homefront, as expected. I started getting out of the house more, just going on walks and doing my own thing. Before I was always feeling "guilty" for wanting to do something and leave her with the kids. But I realized I matter too. And she flat out said to me - "this is what I've always wanted for you"

There has been 0 contact with the AP. At first she did try to shift everything over to me with the "he was only my friend and now he'll never speak to me again!", but after a week things have "cooled down" and she is realizing what effect all of this had on me. She is showing genuine remorse to it all.

No - I haven't contacted the OBS and I still have no plans to. I know you all are saying it's more or less a requirement. But everybody's situation is different. I understand the "need" or "want" to contact her, but that's just not who I am. He made his decisions in the past to contact my wife, and they both have to live with that guilt and possibility of his wife finding out. He's terrified of what will happen (I saw the final conversation my wife had with him). Again - think what you want of me, I'm content with my own decisions.

Things are still a bit "weird", but it's to be expected. At the beginning she had some negative feelings towards me for my snooping at the time, I understand that. I didn't let it bother me. Now she's sharing more with me than she was before.

For the first few days we were switching back and forth on who would sleep in the bed and who would sleep on the couch. Tuesday night she asked me to come into the bedroom and we had a real talk about everything. I got my frustrations out (not just about the EA but our relationship in general). I guess not thinking about it I had also been harboring some feelings of resentment because we were so 'distant' for a while. I know it's only been a little over a week, but things actually feel different now. We're back to sleeping in the same room again. There's no sex or anything yet, but it actually feels "warm" in bed with her again for the first time in a long time (even before me finding out about the EA).

Since D-Day it's felt like a switch clicked in my brain and I don't feel like the same person I was. I've always been highly anxious/nervous about just about every facet of life.. I've had trouble in the past just calling to order takeout without having a panic attack. I was never the one to initiate any sort of appointments/calls/whatever. But like I had said in my OP, I took it upon myself to book myself into counseling (she is still hesitant herself but she's thinking about it. I'm not pushing too hard.) After that first session last week (the day after DDay), I'm starting to feel much better about myself.

I went out to a friends house on Tuesday, something I haven't done for myself in the longest time (again.. I felt guilty in the past). Now it's just.. "I'm going out, kids had dinner, see you later". I started working out again for the first time in years (my arms are killing me, but it feels good haha), and I've been watching what I eat. I don't recommend the reason behind it (finding out about an EA), but just in the past month I'm down nearly 18lbs.

My story is far from over. Like I've read multiple times (and I've said to my wife), our marriage as it was is over. Whether she want to try to rebuild a new marriage is up to her. She seems like she does.

I've begun speaking with another couple that went through a similar experience a bit over a year ago (She had EA, cut off all ties, agreed to IC and MC, a year later they're in a better place than they were). So I know the end goal in all of this isn't supposed to be D or R, but for me to just be happy with me. I'm getting there day by day.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

You came here,asking for help from the thousands of BS who are members. You have several pages of advice,and hard earned wisdom given to you. But you refuse to help the ONE BS that you can help. Sure,every situation is somewhat different. But not cheaters. They follow a pattern. So much so we call it the cheaters handbook. It's odd that you say she's truly remorseful, because a truly remorseful WS would understand that what she did to his family was horrible, and would want his wife to know,because she deserves to know.

What is your wife doing to become a safe partner?

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:51 PM, Friday, January 28th]

Glad to see you are starting to put yourself first. Always value yourself. Get stronger for you and continue to heal. It’s a journey. Watch your WW’s actions, not her words.

We can only advise and recommend. I do advise that you inform the OBS of the truth of her life. She deserves to know the truth.

Good luck to you moving forward.

Really good stuff! All positive.

You rock!!

I hope it works out for you but you are making a HUGE mistake not telling the OBS. Hundreds of people here are speaking from experience years down the road.

You are protecting the affair partner. That poor woman has no agency in her own life because she doesn't know she has been betrayed. Her scumbag husband isn't going to tell her and she might get to find out by getting an STD from his next affair partner.

[This message edited by clouds777 at 4:02 PM, Friday, January 28th]

i am a recently BS. My wife had a two month EA with an old boyfriend. We are truly working on our relationship, and like you feel that our old relationship is forever gone and we are striving for our new path. Will we make it? i'm not sure. but today i am going home to her.

i knew that i could NEVER have lived with myself if i didn't contact the wife of the AP. I contacted her and she will never stop thanking me for the opportunity to decide her own path in life with the truth that her husband lied to her and cheated on her. It was hard to inform her, i knew that the information was going to hurt her. She continues to thank me despite how hard it is for her at home.

[This message edited by Withoutloveinthedream at 5:19 PM, Friday, January 28th]

What is your wife doing to become a safe partner?

This^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Although things seem to be moving in the right direction, I am not seeing much action from your WW to make herself a safer partner. That said, we only read what you posted.

We can only advise and recommend. I do advise that you inform the OBS of the truth of her life. She deserves to know the truth.

Of source, you do you but the bold part is the least you can do to help OBS regain her agency, not to mention a decent thing to do in this situation.

Good Luck.

I know you want to be hopeful that she gets it and is all on board.
But as an old timer here it is extremely rare that someone especially a wife that has already given you the ILYBNILWY speech is truly done when you confront the first time.

So I see danger signs all over the place with this and the process moving forward.

1. She is reluctant to start therapy. RED FLAG.

2. She is done with him. No lingering feelings, no attempted contact? RED FLAG This is extremely rare, as most of us here can tell you that our Wayward spouses made outreach at least once after declaring NC. Be wary. Pay attention. Look out for those moods that made you suspicious initially, and if they happen start snooping again, look for hidden texting apps, look for burner phones, look for contact through work emails.

3. She manipulated her way back into bed without really making any significant changes. Do not allow the power of bonding, and intimacy make you forget that she has broken your trust, and she absolutely has a a metric shit ton of work to do earn your trust back.

4. You are falling into nice guy trap. Switching w/ turns on the couch - You didn't do this she did. Taking blame for distance in relationship - Bet you wouldn't feel distant if she wasn't investing time in someone other than her spouse.

Just be very very cautious. This is not how things typically go, and your wife isn't a special flower, not matter how much you want her to be.

She is broken. Healthy people don't cheat. Period.
Nothing you did or did not do caused this. DO NOT TAKE BLAME.

You say he has to live with his guilt. You have no idea if he feels guilty.

And,if he does..funny thing about guilt. It wears off pretty quickly, when no one holds them accountable.

From what you have told us about yourself, I know this must be very hard for you. It appears you wife regrets getting caught. I see no evidence of remorse. If she had remorse she would jump at the chance for therapy to find out why she allowed herself to go down this path. It would be 1 small step toward becoming a safe partner. This situation sounds much more like rug sweeping than reconciliation. It is unfortunate that you are abandoning the OBS to a future that is likely to include more infidelity abuse. I hope things work out for you long term, but I must say that you do not appear to be on the best path. Good luck.

Seems to me that both your WW and her BF got away with it. She is back in the bedroom he is not worried about his wife finding about the affair.

They are going no or low contact for a while, will their affair whither on the vine or popup again once you are not playing detective...no one knows, but be prepared for something like her "need for closure"

Is she wearing her rings again? Has she earned that?

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 5:42 PM, Friday, January 28th]

I really hope it works out for you, but I don't think you are doing your future self any favors. I hope I am wrong, but I think you are setting yourself up for heartache down the line. I think you are just so eager for things to get back to status quo, that you are skipping some major steps. The fact is, the status quo may feel ok on the surface, but all is not well underneath. Your wife just learned that she can betray you, and you will literally will forgive her with no meaningful change on her part. Without any meaningful introspection (vis a vis individual counseling) , then she isn't really changing as a person. With no real consequences (separation, normal betrayal fallout), she has no motivation to change.

I am not clairvoyant, but I bet I can predict the end of this story. Your wife will continue to disrespect you and a have no boundaries, and you will continue to defend her shitty decisions. You will sacrifice your self-respect to cling on to this one-sided open relationship that does not serve any of your needs.

The other betrayed spouse will continue to be cheated on, whether its with your wife or someone else's. She will be potentially exposed to life-threatening STDs. She will eventually find out and be devastated at the all the years she lost living a lie. But it is all good, you can still pretend that everything is okay.

I really hope I am wrong, Rollin', but I think you know deep down inside that you are setting up future Rollin for devastation.

Do you have full access to her electronic devices and social media accounts? Is she on board with you checking these accounts whenever and wherever or does she still claim a right of privacy and thus intends to keep them private? If she can't make that small concession, you have gained nothing but delaying the inevitable. If she has made that concession, I advise that you exercise that right periodically from this point forward. No doubt she can still elude your attempt to keep track of her by using a burner phone or other nefarious means of communication, but if she gives a squat about saving your marriage she should willingly agree to your surveillance.

She cheated on you. You, most likely, do not have the entire story. For your own sake, please do not rug sweep this affair. It is so tempting to do so. I did it to my detriment. Unless your WW shows true remorse, you are only delaying the inevitable horrible pain that waits for you down the line. Been there, done that, and suffered accordingly.

Please look for examples of WWs on SI who truly got it and moved heaven and earth to reconcile. That should be your guide as to what you should demand from your WW.

No - I haven't contacted the OBS and I still have no plans to. I know you all are saying it's more or less a requirement. But everybody's situation is different. I understand the "need" or "want" to contact her, but that's just not who I am. He made his decisions in the past to contact my wife, and they both have to live with that guilt and possibility of his wife finding out. He's terrified of what will happen (I saw the final conversation my wife had with him). Again - think what you want of me, I'm content with my own decisions.

Unless you think telling OBS puts you in physical danger because AP is a lunatic that will come after you with physical violence, this kind of thinking is a massive risk of repeat on the part of your wife. Because you are essentially saying "There can be good enough reasons to hide an affair". You are doing it right now.

This is completely aside from "exposure gets two sets of eyes on WS and AP" which also helps reduce repeats. You are helping your wife protect the cocoon of intimacy around her affair.

It's clear you think your situation is different. And,it feels that way,because it's YOURS.

But,it's not. It just isn't.

We will be here,when you find out the affair went underground. Or,when rugsweeping no longer works for you. Or,when the OBS finds out everyone knew but her,including you,and she blows your wife up on social media and outs her to everyone. Easy enough to do these days. And no one will say we told you so,because we remember those early days,and wanting things to just be normal. We remember. It's why we are so strongly telling you to tell the OBS.

Duplicate post removed.

[This message edited by src9043 at 2:06 AM, Saturday, January 29th]