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Good job on confronting her, Rollin. I know you were worried about how it was going to go down. I want to remind you that it is highly unlikely you know everything. She is in damage control mode and you need to place your heart on mute and starting leading with your head. She is trying to control the situation by making sure you do not contact the OBS. You have had poster after poster tell you to tell the OBS. This is because it is a critical step. In order to reconcile, she cannot give a rat's ass what happens to the OM. She needs to be ready to prioritize you and your relationship over the OM. She is still worried about any repercussions (read CONSEQUENCES) of their actions.

Unfortunately, because you did not inform the OBS first, you are allowing the OM to prepare. You need to make informing the OBS a priority for two reasons. One, the OBS is a victim in this too. Who knows what her boundary-less husband has exposed her to. Two, it will inform you if they are still talking. If you tell the OBS and your WW gets angry (HOW DARE SHE), well then that will tell you a few things. 1. they are still talking 2. she is more worried about the OM than losing you.

And, "is this what you wanted all along" is really fucking manipulative and irks me to my core. Ummmmmm, no ma'am, couldn't be farther from the truth. I wanted a faithful wife all along. But now, I do not have that due to YOUR actions. She is trying to make this about you and its not. This is about the decisions she made.

You know how they say, I wish I knew then what I know now? We are trying to tell you we would tell our past selves if we had a chance. INFORM THE OTHER SPOUSE WITHOUT WARNING YOUR SPOUSE. I know it is scary, what if your cheating wife gets mad at you a decides to leave you? Then you are out of infidelity and she has shown her ass even more than she already has.

You are the prize here! Not your cheating wife.

And no "we" do not typically recommend that you cut your losses at this point and file for D.

That isn't what was said here on this thread. Actually I don't think anyone said that, so let's focus on giving the OP good advice.

What was said was much more nuanced...

If you don't have kids, we typically lean here toward cutting your losses.

The OP does have kids. 3 of them. He's just trying to navigate through this storm.

All that has been recommended is that he not offer R any time soon, that he assess his options, visit with a divorce attorney to understand the process and so on. Good advice, and that which is indeed typically offered.

First and foremost though he should consider the advice to inform the OBS, today if possible.

I've been thinking about your high road comment.

No one here is urging you to tell his wife,because we want the OM to "get what's coming to him."

At all. Actually, the OM isn't even a consideration.

We urge you to tell,because it is the single best thing a BS can do,early on.

We urge you to tell,because that woman has the right to know.

We urge you to tell,because exposure is the best way to stop this affair from going underground.

We urge you to tell,because it's almost a guarantee that your wife contacted him when she either went to work, or when she was at her mom's, and they are already doing damage control, and creating new ways to stay in contact.

Absolutely anything your wife told you about his wife is bullshit. After all, she immediately said she didn't want his wife to know. So of course she is going to lie to you as to why you can't tell his wife

It's always interesting how the OBS is either abusive, or mentally ill,or dealing with some other catastrophe,and that's why they can't know the truth. Yet..that mental illness, or abuse, didn't make one bit of difference when they were having fun behind your backs.

Let me tell you from my own experience from my own WW, who never wanted me to blow up the AP's marriage. Its a bunch of horse shit. She was the one who blew up their marriage when she decided to cheat with a married man. You know my WW was trying to protect the AP from blowback, but she was also protecting herself by not wanting the OBS finding out so that they can continue to cheat and regroup. There is nothing in you thinking you're taking the high road. What high road? This is your marriage and life we're talking about.

Whatever your WW told you is not believable. Contact the OBS now. Don't be surprised that they have already began telling her lies to dispute you and make you look like a crazy person when you call her too. Its often what happens. They try to discredit you so that when you do call, you wont be believed.

You know the other reason to contact her is so that she can rip her husband a new one, and like others have said, it will make it harder for them to continue the affair when you have 2 spouses on the look out.

Lastly, your WW's reaction to you finding out shows you, that you sit below the AP in level of importance. She didnt care about you, she cares more about the AP. YOu did not ask her to take off her rings, she went and did that as a show to you that she doesn't care. WAKE UP man. Stop taking the high road and take control of what you can. Call the OBS, show her the evidence you have. Take control of your marriage, she doesn't get to choose shit anymore. YOu decide to put some space in and clear your mind to decide what is best for you. She does not get to decide anything any longer. She is clearly not R material at this point. She is blaming you for what happened, not herself, YOU. Time to wake up to the reality of the situation.

Your "confrontation" doesn’t have to be an argument.

My discussion w/ my H was 2 minutes and I left the room.

I didn’t ask him if he was cheating or still cheating. I knew he was and it was long past that.

I suggest you say what you need to say. IF she starts with the typical cheater behavior that "you are crazy" and "you are imagining things" - you simply stop the discussion and tell her you expected better and you expected her to be truthful.

Then leave the room. You know she’s going to start deleting the evidence (which you already have copies of) and she will most likely contact the OM.

Keep your power. Keep control. That will throw her off-kilter. My H thought he was taking his affair to the grave at dday2. He thought he’d suddenly start being nice and kind and everything would be swept under the rug.

He saw a side of me he never knew existed. He saw how smart and calculating and well-prepared I was at dday2.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:40 PM, Thursday, January 20th]

Good for you that you confronted her. The fact that she decided to take her rings off immediately speaks volumes. It's manipulation, but for what reason? She has already given you the ILYBINILWY speech and she has been busted for her affair. Does she want to see you beg her to stay? Is that her game? Does she want a divorce but blame you for the marriage collapsing? My only advice is to stay consistent. Do not waiver. Tell her it is up to her to save the marriage, not you. She is the cheater. She is the one who has made the "I don't love you" declaration. The ball is in her court. Meanwhile, prepare for separation post haste.

At this point, I would make an appointment to see a lawyer. I certainly would contact her cheerleader girlfriend's husband as to what the cheerleader has been up to. She needs to pay dearly for her meddling. Finally, unless there is an extremely good reason not to tell the OBS (terminal illness), let her know. Good luck to you. Stay strong and do not allow your WW to manipulate what is to come next.

A few bits of advice.

1. You need to tell the OBS.

2. You need to tell the OBS.

3. YOU NEED TO TELL THE OBS.

I agree. You need to tell the OBS. If you absolutely refuse to do this, I think you should contact your WWs AP and tell him since he is interfering in your marriage, he should forward OBS contact information to you so you can send her some documentation she should see. That should keep him away for some time. Good job so far, but the AP needs consequences too.

Ditto, ditto, ditto.

You need to tell the OBS.

In my personal situation, my husband's affair partner's husband found out about the EA. Confronted my husband and his wife, they both assured him there would be no more contact because, you know, cheaters are truthful.

Husband of the AP decided to take the "high road" and not tell me because he didn't want to hurt me. Wish I had gotten that memo because about a month later his wife met my husband at his hotel room.

Your wife seems like a master manipulator. She's trying to drive the narrative, put yourself back into the driver's seat and inform the other BS. Exposure is one of the best tools to end the affair.

You cannot trust a word out of your wife's mouth right now. Probably for a very, very long time.

Do not feel obligated to respond to everything your wife (or anyone else) says about her affair or your reaction to it.

Especially the stupid stuff where they're just trying to provoke you, manipulate or guilt you or mess with your mind.

The most powerful response is SILENCE (especially if they're creating false/immature/baseless arguments).

Silence drives the cheater crazy because it takes away their power over you. It also sends a message that you aren't going to dignify or validate their words by responding.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 8:35 PM, Thursday, January 20th]

She said she knows what she did is wrong, and takes 100% responsibility for it.

She said so, but showed that she was not sincere and did not think so by blameshifting and manipulating.
She showed no sign of remorse. She didn't even regret, just regretted that they were caught, but more for her AP than for herself. She didn't even say anything about wanting to save your marriage. She doesn't mind taking the ring off, but her only concern is to blame you for this. And she has no demand for you or for herself, all she's asking is that you don't say anything to OBS. Why is AP's marriage so important when no one, including herself, cares about the destruction of you, your marriage, and your family?
It seems like they gave you a conscientious reason for not telling OBS, but as it may be a lie, you should tell her if it's not something that puts OBS's life at risk. In fact, even then, they are responsible for it. Can you imagine all the things they didn't care about and risked? And now they blame others for all the things they did.
They set two houses on fire, you woke up and are trying to save yourself, but OBS is still sleeping in the burning house. That's not taking a high road.
You had to eat the shit sandwich they prepared, now it's their turn to taste it. You didn't deserve that, but they deserve it to the fullest, her POS friend too. You should destroy her support team.

Don't think they realize what they did wrong and regret it, they just regret getting caught. Most likely after that NC show in front of you, your WW called him and they made up their story.

Still, you handled the situation well in general.

Brother your WW did not even showed an ounce of remorse, she was just sorry she got caught, she even took her ring off and her only concern was to protect AP at all costs. If you believe she has not contacted him from her job or when she went to her "mother" then I have a big bridge to sell you, and even if she hasn't (unlikely) she will most likely do it shortly. You know why she can't "afford" OBS to know ? she probably fears that she most likely will be dumped like a bad habit and thrown under the bus in an effort for POSOM to save his own M. Again you NEED to tell OBS NOW and WITHOUT WARNING, same goes for her bestie's BS, this will throw a wrench in their plans, and will likely remove her cheerleading bestie out of the picture to save her own M, plus is the right thing to do, also don't forget to tell her parents and lose mutual friends if any.

Right now your WW is light years from being a good candidate to R, you taking the "high road" won't get you a thing, please look at your member number, when we tell you we've "seen" this play out THOUSANDS of times here on SI we really mean it, if you want to improve your chances of your WW becoming a candidate for R you should heed the advice given here, and just because you now know doesn't mean the A will end, it may go deep underground with you now as an accomplice if you insist to help them hide it.

EXPOSE NOW without warning !!! tell OBS, then tell her friend's BS RIGHT NOW if you want to improve your chances to R, this is certainly not the time to take the "high road" this is the fight of your life and you should use all the weapons at your disposal, especially those that have stood the test of time to be the most effective.

Yeah, she’s in the I Just Got Caught Phase which often involves desperate and poorly thought out defensive and damage control measures that you’re currently witnessing.

There will be passive aggressive comments, blame shifting, minimizing, self victimization, exaggerations and melodrama. She’s in a very irrational and confused state now. Like being hit with a reality stun grenade.

Let her childish, hypocritical and illogical comments roll right of your back and maintain your composure.

Watch out for the tears! There’s some kind of chemical in them that causes a man to just absolutely cave.

Tell her if she’s serious about fidelity, going NC, the wedding ring needs to go right back on. She spiritually removed her rings when she cheated. Now she’s physically removed them.

That is unacceptable.

Separation does not mean a trial divorce. It doesn’t mean running off, unaccounted for, without your wedding rings in a pseudo-single state. You two are still married. If she’s serious about fixing this, she needs to act like it right now.

No WS ever wants to tell the OBS. Of course they don’t. They want damage control and containment, usually at the betrayed’s expense. She’s not thinking about you or the OBS-at all. Her only concern is HER and her AP. She’s putting HERSELF and her AP’s needs before yours and the OBS’s and trying to spin it as selfless compassion for the OBS. You see the hypocrisy. She’s already fucked over the OBS without reservation. NOW she’s the OBS’s savior protector?? Now she wants you to help cover it up?

It’s foggy Wayward thinking. Try not to get caught up in it.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 5:07 AM, Friday, January 21st]

Trust me man, unleash the truth.

Nothing feels better than not carrying a secret with you that you know is so damaging.

Don't believe her crocodile tears. Rarely, if not never, do affairs stop completely after confrontation. You really want to nuke this thing so it can't grow back.

I'm not out of the woods yet myself, but I do have a few words for you.

I never wrestled with telling or not telling the OBS. Some of the other people here have said that your WW and the AP might start feeding the OBS a story about you so she thinks you're crazy and won't believe you. That's exactly what happened to me and o this day the OBS thinks my narrative is that of a crazy person. Now that you've confronted your wife the clock has started and your WW and the AP are developing a defense. That involves new ways of communication, being more careful, and getting ahead of you telling the OBS. One of my major weaknesses in telling the OBS is I did it when I was still operating under a gut feeling and didn't have any concrete proof at the time. If you have concrete proof I think you should contact the OBS.

The initial purpose of telling the OBS is revenge, or at lest it was for me. Why should his house be calm while mine is blown up? But now, with some time passed there are constructive reasons for telling the OBS.

Before you confronting your WW the affair was all unicorns and rainbows. They could have the perfect connection and relationship because they did not have to face any real life challenges together. Real relationships have both happy times and challenging times. I'm guessing your WW and the OBS aren't aware of how the other reacts in the face of a real challenges. It might be eye opening to see how each other responses to stress. Telling the OBS brings the affair relationship into the real world and knocks off some of the glitter. Right now your WW is holding onto the false reality of the perfect world the affair lives in. Telling the OBS brings the affair relationship more into reality, and that's important, because real life has a hard time competing with fantasy. Read up on the statistics for divorce rates for affair partners who end up getting married. It's about a 75% divorce rate. Your wife isn't chasing the other man, she's chasing the fantasy world they created together. A fantasy world they could not maintain if they had to face life's challenges together.

If you want to get a point where you can consider reconciliation you need to destroy the fantasy they've created, otherwise she will keep chasing it. You not telling the OBS is also you helping your WW and the AP hide the affair. It puts you in the category as an affair helper. You're doing what they want you to do. You're helping this guy maintain his hold on your wife. I guarantee you they are talking strategy right now and focusing on how to protect each other.

The think what struck me the most about your post is the statement where your wife said she wouldn't contact him again because she couldn't risk the OBS finding out. As you go through this you should ask yourself who your WW is protecting. That comment shows she is protecting the AP. She doesn't care about the emotional pain it will cause the OBS to find out. She cares about how it will impact her AP and the affair.

I don't know if the affair has turned physical yet. Assume you only see the tip of the iceberg. If it hasn't turned physical and you can reconcile with your wife, that would be a great outcome. In my case it ended up being a physical affair when I thought it was a EA. If you can avoid images of your wife having sex with another man, I highly suggest you do so. Protect yourself, and think of it as also protecting the OBS.

You will regret not telling the other betrayed spouse. Every single person here who has been through this will agree. You will come to decide that not telling the OBS was the worst mistake you've made.

Based on your wife's responses, I bet she will be taking this underground, especially if you don't tell OBS.

Everyone is saying tell the OBS and I agree. The only one thing I have a different view than some on is... why not let your anger help you out here? This guy is chatting up your wife. That should piss you off. It's righteous anger, brother.

And chatting her up has clearly been working. She is concerned about protecting his marriage? That pisses me off, and I don't even know you! I picture guys like this as a thief in the night, entering your home and trying to take something sacred to you. Yes, your wife may have left the door unlocked. Or even have invited him in when he showed up at the door. But he is still the one attempting to leave with something precious to you... the fidelity of your marriage.

Don't do something stupid that will put you in jail. When I found out I was in the Army, deployed. You can imagine the thoughts running through my head at the time.Those aren't good thoughts and should not be encouraged. But helping the karma bus arrive at this thief's house? Hell yes. It sits right beside all the other benefits of telling the OBS.

Hi Rollin-

Hope you are hanging in there. We are rooting for you to get out of infidelity - it is a special hell. Remember, you have to take action steps to get out of the hell ASAP. I hope your next update is soon and it involves how you have taken charge of your situation, regardless of what your wife thinks or does.

Rollin, ditto on what BigMammaJamma said. You will receive continued support and guidance and advice here, whether you ultimately decide to R or D. This is without a doubt perhaps the biggest trial you will face in life (many cancer survivors say being betrayed is worse).

In the midst of your shock, it's hard to know what to do or see a path. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Taking decisive action helps with the shock. Telling the OBS is the next step that will help with your own internal turmoil.