SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

On New Year’s day, I got into my wife’s computer and found pretty clear evidence that she is engaged in at least an emotional affair if not a physical one too.

The last few weeks have been hell on earth for me. I have had a greatly difficult time eating, sleeping – honestly … just functioning normally has been a challenge.

I haven’t confronted her yet, and want a bit more evidence. Based on where I live, my wife will be entitled to an equal share of everything unless I can show pretty powerful proof she has been having an affair. We have no prenuptial agreement.

Here is my long sad story.

I have never been married before this. I have no children of my own. I am in my mid 40s, she in her late 30s. My wife divorced her Ex four years ago, and has a shared custodial arrangement of their two boys (6 and 9) with him – one week on, one week off.

Before I met my wife, I had devoted most of my life to a personal business from which I have been very, very fortunate to basically semi-retire. It has made me very comfortable financially; but, until I met my wife, I never made any kind of a concerted attempt to hold down a serious relationship. My wife and I met in June 2019 and were married a year ago (2021).

Our first year and a half together was definitely the best relationship I have ever had with anyone: huge trust, great communication, amazing and frequent sex, etc. I proposed to her on our one-year anniversary at an incredibly romantic location. It had only been one year, but it just felt totally right.

Not long after our honeymoon, things started to change … especially in the bedroom. Not only did her sexual appetite seem to dim, but whenever we fought she would (as a punishment) withhold oral sex for weeks at a time. I know that sounds like a weird detail, and maybe tmi for a first post, but giving oral sex has always been my favorite aspect of sex with women. My wife knows this and … definitely before marriage, she enjoyed it hugely and knew what it meant to me too.

In … late March, early April … so, a few months into our marriage, I raised the issue with her of the diminished sex and the unhealthiness of deliberately withdrawing something we both enjoy just in the name of being punitive. It really backfired, lead to major arguments like we had never had before, and we didn’t have sex for two months.

While we seemed to mend the fences and while sex has somewhat returned, I can factually state that the rate has diminished in a steady and depressing decline: twice a week in May/June to once a week in summer to just a handful of times since October.

The piece of trash guy who appears to be in some sort of an affair with my wife is her boss. I found a shared Word doc that they sneaklily use to exchange messages. There is a lot of highly-charged sexual language. No talk of specific encounters between them, but if they haven’t had sex already then they are right on the cusp of it. Appears to have been going on since, basically, after we were just married.

Action-wise, I am torn between finding out more so I can gather more proof while, on the other hand, just feeling sad, lonely, self-disgusted, humiliated, shocked, enraged and not wanting to read another word of their slimy love letters.

Something in me wants to wake up from this nightmare, confront my wife, fix things with her, and just get back to where we were in our first year together. But something in me also wants to kick her out of MY gorgeous home and leave her to do her nasty thing and for me to never look at her again.

If she hasn’t had a physical affair with him, I would be far more motivated to try to fix this. I am just so, so, so sad. It has taken me several days to write this.

You've not been married long and have no children together. I would suggest seeing an attorney to figure out what a divorce would look like. It may not be as dire as you think it is.

When someone cheats early in a relationship/marriage, there's likely not a whole lot to salvage. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but it is true.

Seeing an attorney is taking back your power.

I would also think about collecting more evidence.

You do know this could all blow up big time and they could both be fired from their jobs, right? Is the boss married?

Cat

Sorry you had to find us. She is clearly in an EA, and most likely in a PA, though there have been cases of prolonged EAs that took months to become PAs.

Based on where I live, my wife will be entitled to an equal share of everything unless I can show pretty powerful proof she has been having an affair. We have no prenuptial agreement.

Please talk to a lawyer to see what divorce ACTUALLY looks like. I think you are basing this on a quick web search or assumptions. Assets you obtained DURING marriage are 50/50 in most places. Not premarital assets unless you have done something to intentionally comingle them.

Aside from that, if you want to recover you are going to need a lot of things from your wife. Especially because she is already using shared draft/sneaky methods of talking to her AP.

1) Complete electronic transparency and GPS tracking.
2) New job and NC letter to her AP. (Consider revealing to HR on your own, but also talk to a lawyer, this could impact alimony)
3) Individual Counseling for your wife to fix herself and for you for betrayal trauma.
4) Get the books "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald
5) Complete affair timeline, optionally a polygraph to confirm completeness and accuracy. This is to avoid trickle truth.

I'm sure I'm missing some stuff and others will come along to help.

This sucks a lot.

Even most community property states will allow you to hold onto separate property you had before marriage. She may be entitled to what you built after the marriage but it sounds like you had most of it before her.

She probably wouldn't let you go down on her for obvious reasons. You ought to be happy.

Sorry you find yourself here.

I haven’t confronted her yet, and want a bit more evidence. Based on where I live, my wife will be entitled to an equal share of everything unless I can show pretty powerful proof she has been having an affair.

Get to a good divorce lawyer now and see if this is actually the case for you. Ask if an annulment is possible. If proving infidelity is the only way for you to come out financially unscathed he should know private investigators who are aware of what proof is needed and how to get it.

Very sorry you are here. Do read in the healing library. Lots of good information there. Get stronger for you. Do not do the pick me dance. You can’t control her or nice her back. It never works. Stop torturing yourself. Do take action. See an attorney and seriously consider hiring a private investigator. Good luck.

Because you're well off, you should be able to hire a PI.

So hire one. They can find you hard evidence if she's having a PA. Hard evidence that your wife will not be able to refute by minimizing and gas lighting you.

Snowtoarmpits is dead right. Most judges will only take evidence from a licensed PI. Spend the money to ultimately save a bunch of wasted money.

Whatever you do. Don't tip her off that you know. Play it cool and collect all you'll need to be sure. This is almost definitely a PA and you should prepare for such.

I know you're hurting and unfortunately it will get worse before it gets better. I remember being in the fetal position for hours on end. But, once you get control of the situation you will start to see beyond this.

Things will level out a bit and then the aderalin will kick in while you regain your manhood.

Remember, this isn't your fault. It's life and sometimes it kicks you right in the balls. What is happening to you happened to me. I used a PI and GPS tracker to nail down all the details. I suggest you do the same. Don't worry about fixing things just yet. The details will dictate that outcome.

I always say the difference between me and you. Is I know. Knowing is power you'll need to get through this.
Hang in there and get to work..

If it will make a difference in court, a PI might be worth the money.

Hire an investigator. You won't regret it.

Hire the investigator as others have said and use a Var in the underseat of the car she drives.

Also, to your point of splitting everything in half with her its not the case. She is only entitle to half of what you have earned and made during the time you were married. So your 1 yr of marriage is all you would be splitting. I'd talk to an attorney ASAP and get your rights, but I'm sure I'm correct on this since I wrapped up my divorce in a very liberal state, and all I had to split was assets acquired starting from the date of the marriage certificate, and all that ended the date the Divorce petition gets filed. Ask an attorney and file if you're concerned about protecting your assets.

Met,

Since you were only married a year, see if there is a chance you can get an annulment.

It very much seems she wanted your money and support, and you got audition sex while dating.

Sorry as others have said this early in the relationship there is not much of a chance of recovery.

You really haven't known your WW that long. Your marriage is quite short. The fact that her behavior changed almost immediately after you married is quite telling where her head is at. Go find a family law attorney ASAP. If you live in a no-fault state where infidelity has no bearing on the outcome of a divorce, don't waste any more time and confront your WW. But, check with your attorney, first, to confirm whether to confront now. Again, if you are in a no-fault state, you don't need a P.I. a VAR, or anything else. You have more than enough evidence to figure out what has been going on. Your attorney is the best person to advise you on the need for a P.I. I would carry a VAR on myself from this point forward. You aren't paranoid. Given the short nature of your marriage, I suspect you will get out of this mess relatively financially unscathed. I can't imagine any legal jurisdiction in the U.S. where a spouse would be entitled to 1/2 of the other spouse's separate assets UNLESS they were comingled. I hope you didn't do that in such a short period of time you have been married.

One caveat:

Your attorney can even get creative and raise the issue of fraud committed by your WW in marrying you. That might make a P.I.useful in such a situation. But, if your financial risk is small at this point, why bother. You can discuss this with your attorney.

Should you consider reconciliation? Of course, that depends on the mindset of your WW. But, given the short nature of the marriage and her almost immediate flip of her attitude and desire toward you, how could you believe anything she says.

As always, the devil is in the details. From what you have provided, I would suggest you run for the hills. It kind of looks like you have been played by her.

[This message edited by src9043 at 1:10 AM, Friday, February 4th]

Does infidelity factor at all in Canada as far as alimony, division of assets and such? I think it only impact the speed of the process, not so much the result. Plus, in most provinces the only marital asset is what’s been added to value since the marriage. For example: if your house was worth 1000 gallons of Maple syrup when you married but is now worth 1200 the marital property she’s entitled to would be 200 / 2 = 100.

But then – maybe the first piece of advice for you would be to get true professional guidance on what divorce would look like.

I would want this clear before spending money on a PI, and IF infidelity does factor you need an attorney to tell you what evidence would be considered sufficient to prove infidelity.

What sort of company does she work at? Do they have a HR department? Does the boss report to someone?

My wife and I met in June 2019 and were married a year ago (2021).

So your WW has been cheating for the entirety of your short M, she was supposed to still be in the "honeymoon phase" but instead has been cheating on you (most likely a PA), your M is a sham, contact and retain a D attorney he/she could probably recommend a PI to prove adultery if necessary then have her served, you have only been married a short time so the financial hit is probably a lot less than you think.

Don't forget to get tested for STDs/STIs, adults involved in an A for a year don't just hold hands when in close proximity, workplace As are notorious for "quickies" during lunch break, BJs in parking lots or nearby motels.

Does infidelity factor at all in Canada as far as alimony, division of assets and such?

Not as far as i recall from when i spoke to a lawyer. I am in Ontario.

I’m Canadian and don’t think that infidelity factors into a D financially speaking.

I 100% agree with others, consult a lawyer to see what a D would cost you. Absolutely no harm to possible R by confirming what your liabilities might be if you were to D.

I see sex as a barometer for a lot of relationships. I certainly was on my case. The fact she is "punishing" you by withholding something you both enjoy is petty and childish.

How did her first marriage end? Do you have the real story? To be cheating just after marriage is a massive red flag and doesn’t bode well for R.

I’m sorry you find yourself here, some great people here that can offer a lot of direct experience.

[This message edited by Jameson1977 at 12:04 AM, Saturday, February 5th]

I am so sorry you are in this situation.

Your mileage may vary but I found that I did not do enough to protect myself from WH. I underestimated what he was capable of doing to me and that was a mistake. I have said this before, but had I filed for divorce immediately I would have been either free of him or (if he had changed course and become a safe husband) I could have changed course too...but only with a rock solid postnup.

Hi all, thanks for your replies. Truly helpful.

I spoke with a lawyer friend this morning and while he isn’t a family lawyer, he said that Canada is no fault when it comes to infidelity. Bigger: I think your maple syrup analogy for division of assets was both amusing and accurate. So, I feel some relief around that.

I am booked in with a family lawyer next Thursday. I will get a sense of my full risks and rights, then.

To answer other questions: SRC, you make a good point about fraud. My mind has gone there too. I wonder just how premeditated all of this was. Painful. Buster, you made a point about workplace affairs and secret unions. That really hit me hard. They work in a hotel together. He is high, high up and she isn’t.

Until now I have been processing the pain of how to deal with an EA. Now it occurs to me, ‘If so easily an EA, how many removes are they away from a PA?’ I actually don’t know the nitty-gritty of work in a hotel (does anyone, here?), but it strikes me that two employees, especially if one of them is quite a powerful employee, could easily find places to have sex. Just that thought makes me want to cry.

Jameson: her story is that she was cheated on by her ex-husband – which was just the tip of the iceberg in a very toxic relationship. Ironically they are warmer to each other now than at any point in their marriage, which is better for the boys at least. Anyway, I have no reason to believe this has been a pattern with her or, really, anything that has happened ever before.

But as others point out, for her to engage in affair this early is just … well, it just says that I meant nothing to her. I can’t believe that is true though. I don’t get how things have devolved so quickly.

As for the other man, her boss, he is recently remarried. He is in his mid-50s and his new wife is in her late 30s. They had a child just around the time my wife and I got married. I have met his wife a few times (social functions hosted at their place). Not sure I would call her a trophy wife; she is beautiful, but she has a great job and seems to have a good head on her shoulders. Despite their big age difference, they seem like a ‘perfect couple’.

Anyway, the worst part of waiting to confront is that things in the present moment feel like a charade. My wife and I are going away with friends on a ski vacation this weekend, and I hate the idea of performing the role of her doting husband while knowing that she isn’t a great wife and while knowing that we are about to have a huge relationship-shifting confrontation. I actually feel physically ill. I have lost a lot of weight and even my wife made an observation about that the other day. Though it was lovingly framed. I keep gravitating back and forth between extremes.

This sucks.

I know all about workplace affairs. My WW had a three month PA with her married boss. It didn't end until she realized she was just cheap sex. They got caught in the act by the assistant manager. The AP was fired and lost everything; insurance and retirement, since they had a "no fraternizetion" policy. That really hurt because his BS was seven months pregnant. Karma at it's best.