SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm really upset to have to post here, I'll try to keep it short but my mind is reeling.

I'm a woman in a long term relationship with another woman. We have been together 15 years, got married almost 10 years ago. We have two sons, ages 8 and 5. We've had our ups and downs but very little drama. Overall I love her and thought she loved me and while we didn't have a lot of sex, we cuddled frequently and it didn't seem to be something she really cared about that much.

I joined this site in 2020 because out of the blue I got a message from a woman I didn't know saying that she was married to a man who was having an affair with my wife. She claimed that she had caught them and wanted me to know and left a phone number if I wanted to call her. I did not know this woman, but her husband I did know as someone who worked with my wife.

This really threw me for a spin because I never had any suspicion at all that my wife would be sleeping with someone else, much less a man. She had never been with a man (as far as I knew) and had no interest in that. She has a pretty low libido and just none of it made sense to me.

So more puzzled than anything I told my wife about it and she kind of freaked out. She was adamant that it was a case of mistaken identity and, in fact, if I called this woman back, it would hurt my wife at her job, she might lose it just because rumors get around and someone has it out for her there, etc. She cried and cried and begged me not to call the woman back and I had no reason not to trust my wife and so I left it there and didn't end up posting here and kind of just left it at that. I really hadn't given it much thought again—I never heard from the woman, and I stopped hearing about her coworker as well. I had a lot of trust and I guess just the fact that this involved a man just a 100% trusted was not my wife.

Anyway, my wife got laid off from her job mid-2020 and started making various crafts to sell (little knick nacks, costume jewelry, etc.) As part of this, she's been driving out on trips to go sell her stuff at little markets and festivals and stuff in the 5 or 6 states that border ours. She's usually gone from 3 to 5 days (sometimes a bit longer), hits a few of these shows/festivals/whatever and then comes back home.

She's probably gone almost half the time, which is really hard because I also have a job, I have all of that childcare, and she is not really making that much money from it, maybe a few hundred dollars a month. But it is really important to her and so I had made peace with it.

Ok so this weekend was one she was gone, and on Saturday night as I was trying to get to sleep there was a phone notification sound coming from her side of the bed, over and over again, maybe like a few every minutes. I had no idea where it was coming from, but it sounded like her nightstand, so I opened it up and wrapped up in a piece of fabric underneath a huge pile of papers and lotions and hair ties was a phone I had never seen before. I could see notifications were coming in from an app I didn't recognize called Kik, but I couldn't see what they were without unlocking the phone, just there were a lot of them.

My heart was beating like a million beats a minute and my head was swimming and I wanted to get into the phone to see what was in there. I tried her usual phone passcode and it didn't work. I tried all variations of her birthday or our street address and it didn't work, and I was having to wait longer between making tries. I thought to try our oldest son's birthday, and the phone unlocked.

What I found truly has sent me reeling. There was a chat app that was full of men texting her explicit things and commenting on her "video" and some sending pictures of their genitals. One of the conversations had a link to the video, and I opened it and it was on a public porn site, and it was my wife.

She was at what looked like a rest stop on a highway, and someone was filming her in a car with the door open and 4 men had their pants down and I forwarded a bit and the first one was having sex with her. I couldn't keep watching, but I forwarded ahead a few times to see that the other men were also having sex with her. She looked like she was enjoying herself, not being forced.

The video appeared to be part of a channel, and when I clicked on the channel there were like 10 more videos all of them with titles like "<name> does 5 more random men at truck stop" etc. but the name wasn't my wife's name. But the video was definitely her.

Anyway I am totally crushed. I feel like I've just been trampled on and my heart cut out. I now wonder if the 2020 incident wasn't mistaken identity also.

My wife isn't home again until later in the week, and I haven't talked to her since other than texting normal stuff. My mind keeps going through the pictures I saw in the video in my head and I feel sick. I'm finding it really hard even to be present with my kids and to take care of them.

It feels like everything I knew in my life was wrong. Here is my lesbian wife who isn't attracted to men on video having sex with dozens of men. Here is the woman I have been doing everything for and taking care of bills and child care so that she could live her dream of selling her crafts and she has been taking advantage of me. And who is filming her?

My whole life feels like a fraud.

My brain goes immediately to divorce like I want to take the kids and leave the house and not tell her where to find us but I know that would be foolish. But here's the bigger problem, we are in debt. I personally have almost $20,000 credit card debt that I've taken on keeping our household afloat these last two years. So getting a divorce lawyer seems overwhelming and a financial stress I can't imagine right now.

When my wife comes home I don't know how to pretend things are normal. I also don't know that I have the strength to confront her, and my brain is just spinning all the time and I can't seem to focus on any particular action I should even take. I just keep seeing the video in my head over and over again.

Sorry this was so long.

I'm very sorry for your situation, I highly suggest you contact a D attorney, your M has been a sham for a long time and your WW is a SERIAL CHEATER who has been playing russian roulette with your health by potentially exposing you to life threatening STDs/STIs and during a pandemic no less, this is not going to end well and it's next to impossible to ignore, file for D and get out of infidelity ASAP, expose her with all family and close friends and get IRL support from loved ones in your corner.

AD,

Sorry what a horror story, don't even kiss her on the lips or any mucus membrane, God know what STD she likely has give the level of promiscuity.

Especially she should not kiss the kids.

I am so sorry Alldespair! I have no words for your situation. Your story is nothing like I have ever seen or heard! Do you think she is getting paid for this?

I am not sure where you live but are you and your partner legally married? Either way, I would find out your legal rights. You have proof and hopefully still have the link to where her porn is being published.

My heart breaks for you. Do the best you can for your kids. Take it one day at a time and know your self worth. What you WW has done is the ultimate betrayal.

Is there anyone you can turn to that you trust that can give you advice on how to confront her? Friends? Family?

I would most definitely get tested for STD’s.

I am at loss for words and that does not happen often for me. I wish I knew you because all I want to do is hug you.

I will be thinking of you. Please keep us posted on your journey. I am sure others will post with sound advice. This is a great place to come to in your time of need.

Giving you a HUGE VIRTUAL HUG! ❤️ ❤️

Faithfinder

AllDespair, good god I am so sorry for you.

First off, the behavior your wife is engaged in is not just serial, horribly acute cheating, it's dangerous in real-time, it is dangerous when she comes home, and the fact that she is putting this stuff online is exposing your family in a different way.

Here is what I think you should do:
1) Back up the burner phone. It is evidence. Then maybe install some kind of surveillance app on it. You may need help with this.
2) As hard as it may be., find all of the videos and save them for evidence. I know this is disgusting to you. If you are not technically savvy, you may need help with that as well.
3) Seek counsel despite your financial issues. Your heart may want to reconcile with this woman, but from a practical moving forward and keeping your kids safe standpoint, you should probably split from her and seek full custody.
4) Figure out how to get you and your children away from her as soon as possible. This may entail playing it cool for a little while. People like this can be quite dangerous because of their lack of control.

Your wife is all kinds of messed up in the head. She was cheating with a man at work. She is "dogging" at truck stops. You literally have no idea what else she has been up to. Would you hire a babysitter who does that stuff to watch your children? Apply the same standard to your wife.

I sent you a PM.

Good luck to you.

Thanks for the replies and for the offers of support!

I don't have money for a divorce lawyer unfortunately. I am in debt and we are barely scraping by as it is, since my wife got laid off she has had really minimal income. If you know of a way to get a really cheap or free divorce lawyer, I would love to hear about it.

I am having trouble sleeping, so I got up to use the computer.

My wife texted me with details of how her day went selling at her booth and I half wonder if she is making up that the fairs and festivals she goes to even exist. I haven't asked for details, but now that I am thinking about it, it's the middle of February and how many farmer's markets and things really are going on this time of year?

I feel like I'm going to burst into tears constantly, I am so distracted and very distressed knowing what to do. She is coming home before the weekend and I don't know if I should confront her, not let her know I know, or something else. I think she will notice that I am not normal and will ask what is up when she gets home.

To those asking about STD tests, that is a good idea. It didn't even occur to me until you said that I didn't notice whether anyone was wearing a condom or not. I don't feel like I can really watch again to see but maybe I should just get the tests anyway.

I have not downloaded the videos (not sure how?) but I do remember how to get to her page, it turns out it is easy if you know her fake name.

Trying to live minute by minute at this point.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. To be totally blindsided by the ones who are supposed to have your best interests at heart make it that much more difficult to wrap our minds around.

I know that you are reeling. I know that it seems impossible to get out of bed, yet alone function, but you do need to focus on these immediately, as time is a factor:

1. Your physical self-care. Adrenaline will only carry you so far, and your body will take a big hit without taking proper care. If it hasn't been mentioned, hydration and nutrition are key. Maybe protein shakes if you are having trouble eating?

2. Your mental self-care. I didn't see mention of speaking with family or friends. Do you have any support in real life? A close friend that you can confide in, and would feel comfortable enough to explain your situation?

3. Absolutely the STD check. Condoms or not, I'm assuming that oral sex has taken place(sorry), and your wife's level of recklessness has definitely put you at risk. Under no circumstance should any physical relationship resume with your wife until you are both cleared medically.

4. Protecting yourself and your children. They are her children also, but right now, she is by no means mentally fit to make decisions in their best interests. She is involved in promiscuous, adulterous behavior, is generating no positive income(it most likely is costing the family money for her endeavors, and is taking away.....not contributing.....to the family unit. Your work load has increased substantially, while getting abuse in return. I know that you are in debt, but that is only going to increase under the current circumstances. I would take any spare moments of your time, and investigate divorce lawyers who offer free consultations....even if done by phone. If worse came to worse, and you needed to pay for a consultation, $300-400 for an hour's legal time is a small price to pay to learn where you are realistically. Divorce may not be what you want; it may not even be the end result, but it is FAR BETTER for you to gain the knowledge, and expunge the fears that surround divorce.

5. Those videos. Once they are out on the internet, they are very hard to rid. I wouldn't recommend watching again(unless you feel you needed to do this), but I HIGHLY RECOMMEND that you obtain stored and secure proof of these. You can always destroy them later, but they may also be a critical piece when it comes to protecting your children.

AllDespair, I have no idea how our partners can do this to us. The levels of selfishness can only be compared to addiction. They will do whatever is required to get their fix. Right now, they are more dangerous than we can imagine. That is why I listed the above as must-do actions. Immediately.

My last suggestion? Keep posting and reading. Some of the advice will be hard to hear, but there is so much valuable information based on the tens of thousands of people who have gone through.....or are going through.....infidelity and betrayal. Good luck.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. That's a crazy set of facts.

I concur with the advice to get STD tested right away. Fundamentally, he behavior is putting you and the children at considerable risk. STDs. Covid. Etc.

And it's not just communicable diseases. Men who participate in gangbangs at truck stops aren't the most savory characters. She could be assaulted or worse, and she could be a vector for violence brought into your home.

You should download and save the material and use it as a basis for sole custody of the children. I think your first step should be to protect them.

I think you are spot on to conclude that there ain't no farmer's markets in February. One question you'll want to answer, though, is whether she's getting money for her sexual activity, either as a prostitute (directly from the men) or, more likely, via the streaming porn. There's a lot of money in porn.

Finally, a word about her. What she's doing smacks of a certain profound self-loathing, almost arising to self-harm. People who sink to that level of self-harm often also harm those who love them. Be careful.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 3:00 PM, Tuesday, February 8th]

First off, very sorry your here; Especially in the circumstances that you’re in! This is a hard one...

You’ll be getting a whole bunch of great advice so I’ll keep it short and just say this...

Not that I know from experience or anything, but I’m pretty sure some of those people on those sites; especially the regulars with a lot of views make money of the sites/views; like YouTube... so I suggest you snoop around to find a hidden bank account or something...

Best of luck...

This was hard to read. I am so sorry that you are in this terrible situation.

Many have offered good advice. One thing that stood out to me is to ask if you and your wife both are legal guardians of your children? If not, that is something you definetly need to seek legal advice about a.s.a.p.

I would also call the other woman who contacted you in 2020 and ask for more information.

If a person is engaging in this type of risky activity they will do just about anything to hide it to avoid consequenses. Maybe even more so compared to a 'regular' cheater. Save all information you can find and keep it somewhere safe. Get a VAR and keep it on you at all times. Investigate bank accounts (can you do a credit check to see if she has another credit card or income)? Do you ask her where the money she earns from the 'farmers maket' goes to?

((hugs))

Hi, welcome back to SI. I'm so sorry.

Going back to 2020, I think your wife manipulated you into believing her, is there any way you can contact that woman now to find out the truth? No harm since she no longer works there.

Secondly, your wife is engaging in extremely dangerous behavior. She could be drugged, murdered, or even worse some nut case could find out where you live and potentially bring harm to your family. Plus Covid.

You need to protect your children at all costs. Be sure to download all of the information you have found.

I think most attorneys offer a free initial consultation, maybe the attorney could direct you where to get help at little to no cost.

Right now focus on taking care of you, seek out a counselor or your MD for some help coping with this mess.

Sending a huge virtual hug....

You absolutely need to get an attorney - You don't have money, but neither does she.
You are supporting her. She is out having scary sex for whatever reason.
She has chosen that is more important than earning a living, being a parent, and being a good partner.

Attorney - Today. Get an appt to find out your rights, and what it would look like for you to want sole custody, and to request supervised visits.

Dr - STD tests, this means blood work and pelvic exam. Also if you are struggling to eat/sleep with this, discuss it. Ask for a referral to a good counselor that deals with trauma. Lastly full physical to ensure the stress isn't causing health issues like high BP. You are the sane healthy parent, there is no back up now. YOU are it. You have to be and stay healthy.

Figure out how to download that crap to a safe space so that you have the evidence. Then you need to figure out what you are going to request when you confront. You need to have a plan in place.
This is so messed up she may want some mental health care, and there is nothing wrong w/ helping her get that, but you need to set some firm boundaries with her because she has clearly lost any grip on reality. It honestly gives me shivers and anxiety to think about what she is doing and the risk she is putting herself and you and your kids in.

I don't think you really need an attorney.

I would see one, for a free consultation, to see what you are fairly entitled to.

Hide the phone away from the house (at work,or with your parents)

Then confront her. Tell her you know what she has been doing. Tell her someone sent you the link to her channel,and you have taken screenshots,and video. That you know what she has been doing,and the danger she has exposed you,and the kids too. Don't tell her you found the phone,and deny having it of she asks.

I'd tell her you will be filing for divorce(you can do this yourself), and she will agree to everything that is fair. And she will have supervised visits with the kids, because if she is doing this in truck stops, she will most certainly do this in her own home,and you will not allow the kids to be in danger. If she doesn't agree,tell her you will expose her disgusting begavior to everyone she knows.

Is that playing dirty? Perhaps. Who cares? You have yo do what you have to do,to protect those kids

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:29 PM, Tuesday, February 8th]

I’m going out in I left field. I think you need to look back at her history. Way before she met you. I’m guessing she was sexually molested as a child. Behavior is so on target of kids whose emotional maturity was crushed. This behavior is so egregious that buried deep inside is this monster who has been in hiding for years. If this is the case watch a video by Marilyn van Durber. She was Miss America when that was a big deal. She so successfully buried what her father had done to her that she fell completely apart in her middle age. A lot of love and support from her husband helped. She now travels the country talking to others. If there is nothing in her childhood that caused this I have no suggestions other than to speak to an atty.

All of the feelings you describe are normal for BSes. I'd be worried if you weren't crying, having trouble eating or sleeping, not knowing what to do, feeling stuck with no way out.... The good part is that what you're going through is a necessary part of healing. My heart goes out to you. Your life will get better, if you keep letting yourself heal.

Remember: None of your W's actions are because of you or your M. She's doing this because of her own issues with herself. None of this reflects on you - she's failing herself, you, and your kids; you're not failing.

One of the feelings that comes with being betrayed is shame. Shame is normal, but your W is the one who shamed herself. Dealing with the sense of false shame is part of healing. You really can get throug this and thrive.

My heart may also go out to your W, depending on how she responds to confrontation. What she's doing is not normal. Like annb, I wonder if she isn't acting out in response to her (your W's) own horrible feelings. She may want help but hate herself so much that she's chosen self-destruction instead.

If you want D, go for D by all means. If you want to explore the possibility for R, it's worth exploring, IMO. As I write, your choice depends on how she responds to confrontation.

Yes, I know you are financially strapped but some attorneys will consult for free. You, no doubt, can get custody of the kids, I would think.

Be very careful leveraging what you know about her activities. Let your attorney handle negotiations. You cannot be perceived as extorting.

It is really quite crazy what we discover about our spouse's activities and predilections. My first wife, an
magna cum laude law school graduate, daughter of a prominent surgeon, was having sex with strangers she would meet in bars and other places. I was floored. Like you, I ignored warnings and red flags. Just way too trusting.

I loved my wife, just like you do yours. Like you, I was in shock. 28 years later, it still seems unbelievable.

You may want to go to the family court website for your area. Most of them have the necessary divorce information and paperwork online. Downloading these and filling them out are a good way to get some basic information and come up with questions to make the most of your time during a consult with a lawyer. Obviously keep these secure and delete it from the browser/history until you’re ready to confront.

Double post

[This message edited by asc1226 at 11:48 AM, February 8th (Tuesday)]

AllDespair,

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. This is a LOT to take in all at once. The feelings you are having are normal. The difficulty concentrating- normal. Her behaviour- not at all normal. Please try your best to take care of yourself. Try to get some sleep. Make sure you’re eating and drinking water (stay away from the hard stuff for now). Don’t be afraid to talk to your doctor about medication if things get to be too much - there is no shame in that game.

I know it seems impossible right now but you don’t really have any other choice but to strap on your big girl boots and deal with this. You need to make copies of the videos your wife has posted online in case you need them later. Take the phone you’ve found and take it to a safe third party location where she cannot access it. Do this immediately before she gets home. You never know if you will need this later. Best to get copies now before she deletes.

Once she is home, I imagine it will be impossible to keep this in. As long as you have the phone and copies of the videos, I see no reason why you should not confront her. Some people can keep this stuff in- I am not that type of person. I confronted immediately. Take the kids to a friends house for the evening so they are not present. I can’t imagine what she is going to say, but I would imagine that there is going to be a lot of crying, blame-shifting, defensiveness etc. be prepared for her to make false domestic violence allegations (I know this sounds extreme and unimaginable but you’d be surprised….)and film the confrontation to be safe. Please know that no matter what she says, no matter what the issues are in the marriage (there are issues in every marriage), none of this is your fault.

Based on what you wrote, I wonder whether she is having sex for money, using cams or what not. Could she be on drugs? Gambling? Does she have a history of bipolar disorder? It sounds like these "trips" are likely covers for her to take part in these activities. I would be surprised if she is actually attending many trade shows or farmers markets. I’m so mad for you that she is leaving you with the kids and all the finances while she is off galavanting and doing whatever it is that she is doing.

If there is to be any chance at working things out (and I’m not saying there is) you need complete honesty from her. She needs to stop whatever it is she is up to and get herself into therapy asap. She needs to get a real job so she can start contributing to the family again. It goes without saying that the communications with all these other people must stop immediately.

Re: the debt. I get that this complicates things or makes it harder but she is not exercising good judgment at the moment any debts she incurs become family debts. You need to protect yourself and your children.

I think its most likely that she is still having an affair with that coworker. They probably laid low for awhile,then started back up. He is probably the one filming it. He gets off on sharing her, and she gets off on the attention. This is probably a sub/Dom relationship, and he is setting these gangbangs up.

Yes, there may be sexual abuse in her history. That is no excuse. Many,many,many women were sexually abused during their childhood, and don't do anything like this. And there are many women who do enjoy this kind of thing,who were never abused.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:34 PM, Tuesday, February 8th]