SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I previously was on here complaining about how my wife was a total whore with her boyfriend but Sister Theresa with me. Now however I have discovered that I absolutely have no sexual attraction to her whatsoever. Nothing. The Thought of all the things she did with him and wouldn't do with me just makes her nothing to me anymore. I haven't touched her in I don't know how long and I don't care. Don't hate her but just wondering if anyone else feels this total lack of anything sexual with their spouse years after they cheated.

My WH had affairs with hideous women

I think they were women

It makes part of him hideous and definitely not appealing to be intimate with

So I’m just not intimate with him anymore

The lies are probably topping the list of things that make him ugly

I can honestly say that I am not missing out on anything good

99. Maybe the marriage is over and you need to move on. Is that an option for you?

99, I'm sure you don't need to be reminded that it's not 100% up to you as to whether you remain married to your WW. She is an independent actor and could choose to pursue divorce at any time. She could also be hooking up with another man/other men, behind your back. Your WW has a history of being continuously, chronically, and habitually dishonest with you.

Living a life married on paper, but with no sex at all, that's untenable. And unsustainable.

I suspect that your loss of sexual attraction toward your WW has to with more than simple disgust with her sexual actions during the A. There is a package of things she has/hasn't done: aggressive sex during the A, let herself go physically in the wake of Dday, and, I suspect, she has adopted a demeanor and pattern of interacting with you that, in a passive-aggressive way, deflects and discourages you from expressing sexual desire. She has pushed you away sexually, forcing you into an involuntary cloister of a marriage.

As you note, divorce is expensive. Men in your position who escape the purgatory in which you find yourself will tell you that it's worth it.

As you note, divorce is expensive. Men in your position who escape the purgatory in which you find yourself will tell you that it's worth it.

My divorce was crazy expensive and worth every dollar.

Brother, I can understand finding your W repulsive. I can't understand cheating, and I can't understand giving up sex. I'm almost 78, and I can't do what I could do when I was your age, but I don't want to give up even what I can do now. (I'm pretty grateful for being privileged, though, by researchers who developed certain drugs for men....)

Why are you doing this to yourself.

You may be lying to yourself about the expense. If you D, you may free up energy that will make you scads of money. If you're M, your W gets essentially half of it, although you may find ways to limit her inheritance by trusts and provisions in your will. If you D, she'll get only what the D settlement allows, which is likely to be zero of post-D increases in assets.

And you can have sex without cheating. Not BTW, remember that demographics are in your favor - more men than women the older you get.

The last five years of my M in limbo were like this. I had sex and was repulsed by my xWS I just couldn't get it back. I know it affected him on a level and also myself. I'm not sure a M is even worth saving when it gets to this point. For me it felt like torture. I am so much happier alone and sex with other people has been surprisingly healing for me.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 8:02 PM, Tuesday, May 24th]

This is perfectly understandable.

Yes, I stopped sleeping with my ex after DDay. Not to make a statement, just because I couldn't give myself to him anymore, didn't want to. And I also wanted to protect myself from disease. OP, your body could be revealing your emotions, the fact that the affair has caused you to fall out of love with her. If you haven't left her already, it's time to do so now. There is no good in being with a partner you don't even want to touch.

Thanks all. I agree 100% with everything you say. I should have left at the beginning. I could kick myself for not doing so, but now, sorry, I know alot of you disagree, but I'm too old to start over. I do this type of law for a living, I have seen how it destroys people and how they live afterwards. Men who lived in mansions are now living in one bedroom apts. Sorry but I worked too hard to see it all go to hell because of her. Who knows, maybe one day I'll hit the lotto and then I'm free. LOL

What is your happiness worth to you?

Personally – especially as the years creep on – I wouldn’t want a person that I feel is repulsive, that I have at best friendly feelings for, that I can hardly tolerate and don’t want to be around… to be the person that get’s to decide if the life-support systems are kept on or turned off if I had a medical emergency.
I truly believe the quote I have in my posts. If you are unhappy its because you have decided to remain unhappy.

Men who lived in mansions are now living in one bedroom apts.

Both men and women can get financially gutted by divorce and even cohabitation break-ups. I'm a woman and it happened to me. That said, it's WORTH it to be free. As far as we know, you only live once. Don't spend the rest of your life with her. It feels really good to be out.

Personally I never experience the hysterical bonding. Sex is an emotional attraction for me. So from one day to the next after the first discovery I've had no interest in sex or intimacy with him. It's completely understandable.

I wrestled with the dilemma of maybe we just stay roommates, cohabiting, without the sexual aspect of the relationship. He also has anger issues and other unsavory personality traits with helped push me more towards the choice of D, but I know it's something us BS can consider that maybe we can avoid the financial trauma if we just stay where we are.

Financial change is SCARY. And also, I understand that it also feels....unfair. Why does my financial situation have to suffer because he couldn't be faithful. BUT...I'd rather live paycheck to paycheck for a bit than live with a man who I feel nothing for, have to walk on eggshells for, and know he's probably getting sex elsewhere while I do all the domestic duties and raise our child.

A small anecdote...my parent's divorced, my dad was the breadwinner and my mom received permanent alimony in our state. Yes for a period of time my dad lived in a one-bedroom apartment with patio furniture and some hand-me-downs. But he's since remarried, they have a gorgeous house, travel all the time, etc. There may be some bumps on the road at the start, but you will eventually find your smooth ground and coast again. It can and DOES happen!

Adding that this all happened in his 50's...so age doesn't mean there's not a whole happy life on the other side of divorce and financial change. My dad was also the BS.

[This message edited by mommabear1010 at 6:27 PM, Tuesday, May 31st]

lawdog, I totally know where you're coming from on the sexual attraction issue. I feel sex is better when there's an emotional connection with your partner. I need to respect, trust, and some degree of security to have an emotional connection. I wasn't able to get that back with my STBX, even after many years.

Also, I'm 52 and have been separated for roughly 10 months while going through the mediation process and state mandated waiting period. Our children are adults so no custody battle, it was just simple asset division but my STBX made the process a fucking nightmare. No alimony or spousal support either. I won't have the same lifestyle that I would have with her, but I'll be more than comfortable. Retirement may be pushed out a few years, especially if we go through a major recession.

BUT! Holy shit, I sleep like a fucking baby. My mood is far improved. My outlook on life is better. I have renewed passion for my job. I have rekindled some friendships and hobbies. My relationship with my children is good. I'm happier than I have been in years. My future seems full of promise and possibilities, nothing like I felt while I was with an unfaithful woman. A lot of my fears about divorce were misguided. Looking back, I don't know why I stayed so long. Don't let fear of the unknown guide your entire life.

This is your version of the plane of lethal flatness. You are starting to feel dead inside and without the anger to push you forward, you are just punched out. I think knowing divorce so well, held you back from pulling away or properly healing.

So, now that you are just frustrated and done with her, you are asking yourself why you fought to be together all this time. This is when you should take some advice I heard from someone on here who I recently mentioned to my wife.
Every thing she told him, everything she did for him, she has to write down how she will do for you times 5. Straight up, times 5. She had sex with him 12 times before work, she tries wakes up 60 times before work to have sex with you.
She said she loved him what, 3 times, she owes you that times 5. She gave X bjs she owes x times 5.
Have her write those out, so she acknowledges how much she owes you to even start to get "even".

You 2 are just leaving hysterical bonding, so she has to spark that back up.

I totally get where you are coming from. My EX was never a mother Theresa, but went way over the top with her AP. Pretty much nothing was off limits. All of those things after we’re offered up, but the thought of doing those things with her smacked of me getting sloppy seconds. I really wanted no part of it. It took many months for us to have sex again, but in the beginning she would ask to come into my bedroom and I would have basic primal sex with her, then ask her to leave.

It did get better, but nothing like it was pre affair. Prior to the AP, she loved to dress up on sexy lingerie, light candles, and have a really fun time. The sex she had with her AP was rough and quick as it took place after the other workers left. He had to get home, and she then had to bath, clean the sheets, and still prepared dinner for me. In the end she said she hated it and felt like a whore. Unfortunately that’s what our sex turned into. No kissing, holding, or me even really looking at her. Oral which she loved was off the table when I found out I had done it hours after she was with him. She really tried by buying toys, trying to go away for romantic weekends, and at least mouthing the words how great sex we me was. It might have been great before, but it wasn’t after. She too gained weight and that pissed me off too as she was at her peak with him.

I will tell you there is life after. I was probably in a different position money wise as though I lost half, I still had enough. I was a little older than you when we split, and I will tell you I had women chasing me down. You would be shocked what women will do for you sexually if you treat them with respect. If you listen to them, try not to judge as most had some awful experiences, and smile and tell them they will never have to pay when the check arrives, you rarely had to wait for the third date. A decent guy, in good shape, will get women competing for you like they were on American idol. The games you had to play when you were in your twenties were gone.

Life is too short. I know you are a divorce attorney and probably know the pitfalls more than me, but you can’t live like this. You need to do something. I’m not going to advocate cheating, but maybe this is a situation where you bring up opening the marriage in an honest way.

In the end I sowed my oats, got my mojo back, and now have found a partner who I can see myself with in the long term. I didn’t realize how much I missed a truly loving sexual relationship. Though it’s different than it was with my EX as the connection was deeper, I still now have sex where kissing is back, and the other things I took off the table too. We laugh, look in each other’s eyes, and I don’t jump out of bed when I finish. We lay together and hold each other like I did with my EX prior to her affair. I feel like I got a second life.

You deserve the same.

Buck and WWTL - you both spent years waiting it out, I believe for different reasons.

WWTL, I think you waited for five years to see if your feelings for your WW would improve, which they didn’t to a sufficient level, so you D.

Buck I think you waited until the kids were out of the house, but had been up front with your WW that you would D her at that point.

However, I think the difference here is that both of your WWs pulled out all the stops and became stepford wives, both in and out of the bedroom. And, both WWs did everything they could to save the M.

In 99’s case, this doesn’t appear to be occurring from what I can infer. He’s not sexually attractive to his WW post A but she also doesn’t appear to have stepped it up like both of your WWs. Is that correct 99?

Also, I think both of you posted that your WWs fell apart after you initiated D, Buck’s WW attempting suicide snd WWTLs WW going into a depression, gaining weight, losing her social circle, etc.

99 - is this one of the reasons you’re not pulling the trigger on D, besides the money factor? Do you still care about how your WW would fare mentally if you D her? If you actually initiated D, do you think she would beg you to stay like WWTL snd Buck’s WWs?

Hmmmm…….you hit the lotto and she still gets half.

That would really irk me!

99 - The other question I have is why does your WW want to stay in this marriage? Why does she accept a sexless M? Is she remorseful, empathetic, and loving? She also knows she can get half of the assets if you D, so what’s keeping her around?