SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Betrayed Wife:

I am so sorry I have not been able to respond as of yet. Each day I look at my computer and think of posting but my days are full. There are some weeks that my H travels for a few days and I am more able to find time at night. While he does understand I will never be totally beyond this I know he feels that being on the computer is unproductive for me when I have so much going on.

I will hopefully have time early next week. We are having a superbowl party this weekend and my daughter has a major project due on Mon. On top of that my 22 month old never lets me on the computer and never naps!

Again, please know that everyone here is in my thoughts and I read daily as to any upates.

Hang in there and God Bless!

ST

[This message edited by Sorting Thru at 11:59 AM, February 1st (Wednesday)]

SortingThru,

We're ready to listen whenever you're ready. Take your time.

Hugs,

BW

Hi everyone-another piece of legal news/info that we got from our attny yesterday and was good news for us. In more of his research, he found that in NYC courts (where our case is currently), the judge will look at an informal agreement for child support between a husband/wife, as long as the agreement does not look as if it were put together soley for to reduce the CS payment to the child born out of wedlock. No need for us to go to court and have a court order.

Hope all are well, and dealing okay today with this difficult issue -

always, I understand your pressures-we all have them! and look forward to hearing from you when you find the time.

twokids,

In order to have an informal agreement, do you and H have to be separated? My thought process is this...if you're married why do you need an informal agreement UNLESS you're SPECIFICALLY trying to screw the OW/OC out of $$ that should go to YOUR children.

Trying to understand the logic...

Thanks.

bw-see pm

I don't know details yet, but it sounds like it can be crafted so that in the event of a split up the money for the children is guaranteed, and that the H is agreeing that this amt of support will be provided regardless. The court can assume what they want, but certainly the attny can say that H/W are working on R,but agree that the situation is difficult and want to be sure their children are addressed. I'll let you all know more as I find out more.

Thank you guys for all your support. I have decided to go for the Big D. I obtain a lawyer and have started the preceding. I just couldn't deal with the situation of the OW and OC.

Good luck to all of you that are trying to R. I hope it works out in everyones favor.

I consider myself to be a very strong woman,and i love my H with all my hurt and soul, but this situation doesn't fit in my future for my newborn child and myself.

thanks, i'll look in from time to time to see how everyone else is doing.

Sorry that was heart and soul. OOps

sapphire - I can only imagine how hard your decision must have been. HUGS. You are a strong woman.

Sapphire,

I'm sorry it came down to the D, but you have to do what's right for you! All of us here on the OC board support you and send you a big bear hug!

BW

Need your advice...at what point pre OW delivering did you start to freak? The OW in our situation is due in May and I'm starting to freak and obsess (checking BabiesRUs & PB Kids websites, dreading the name she picks, will she sue H for paternity? will our future kids do w/o b/c all the $ will go to her brat?, etc, etc, etc.)

Help! Someone slap me back into reality PLEASE!

Started freaking seriously about a month before--but since we were doing a big move the second month before, I was distracted!

I didn't obsess with Babies 'R Us--but did worry (and still do) about CS. The birth is pretty rough, let me warn you. Nothing like thinking of a child conceived with your H (during your marriage) coming into this world to bring it all crashing down again. Be prepared for some bad days and lots of neediness.

It helps if your H is behind you all the way--mine is but does want contact with his kid, so we will be dealing with his neurotic FOW, who of course wants me nowhere near her child! Some nerve, huh?

Good luck and keep posting. Take some deep breaths, go for a walk at night and look at the stars--helps keep things in perspective.

Betrayed, I'm starting to panic too. The OW is due in seven weeks:( I just don't know how to handle all the emotions. My H wants nothing to do with either one of them, his choice. But the wondering what she plans to do is driving me crazy. We have three children of our own with #4 due in August. We can't afford to give her CS too. What bothers me the most is I seem to stress and dwell on this all day. My H seems to have moved on and doesn't talk about it or anything. Seems so easy for him while my whole life has been turned upside down and the foundation of our own family is crumbling all around me. I just want to crawl in a cave until it all goes away.

Hi all,

It is a tough time, waiting for OC to arrive. As you know my H wants nothing to do with the kid either, and that continues to be the case. We are awaiting either a court date for CS and have hired a PI to find out if the OW has moved out of state. If so we plan to petition the court to have the case dismissed-which our attny says would automatically happen.

Here's an interesting perspective to consider and one that has been on my mind as of the past few days. Our OC is 8 wks old now. My H hasn't seen him and has no intention of doing so. We think the OW has moved to be near her family, who supposedly know nothing about her A with my H. She is suing for CS and for a long time thought she held all the cards. But--paternity test was done, came out positive that my H was the father. Well, now he has RIGHTS TO THIS CHILD!!!! Put yourself in the OW shoes. Consider that we tell her that my H wants visitation once a month for a weekend once the child is 2 years old. No contact until then, not necessary, as the kid won't remember anyway. Tell the OC to prepare both the kid and her family that the father of her child will be taking him once a month for visitation, and the child will be staying with his "other family". All I know is if I were her, I would be shitting a brick wishing that my H ever even knew he was the father.

Anyways, I think the point I am trying to make, although it may not be completely comforting, but there is a bit of light at the other end of the tunnel. When the OC is pregnant, she basically holds all the power, wanting what she wants and the man having to play the waiting game. But, once there is a 3rd person involved, namely the child, the power shifts a bit. The OW no longer holds all the cards, and the father has choices. Not only does the father have obligations the child, he has rights---and the OW has NO CONTROL over that.

Its also important to remember that any relationship that a father chooses to have with his child, is with that child, not necessarily the OW. Yes, I would prefer my husband not have contact, but the truth of the matter is, is that it is his child, and perhaps someday he will. Doesn't mean he has to have a relationship with the OW, especially if the child is older. In all honesty, I do not see us going through the rest of our lives forgetting this child ever existed, even if the OW does duck and run. But 15 or 20 years from now is a very different place in life for most of us than now, and perhaps then we will be ready to welcome this other person (the child, not the OW) into our lives. If not, that's okay, but the option is our H's and OURS!

Hugs to you all--life sure can be interesting and complicated, can't it? My thoughts are with you all.

Send me positive thoughts ladies. I'm having a really shitty day. You never completely stop hurting. It doesn't matter if your husband has nc, it doesn't matter if the oc is given up for adoption, it doesn't matter if the two of you never had kids together and you divorce him the hurt never, ever completely discipates. It only eases slighty with time...

Me

[This message edited by Me&my3 at 1:09 PM, February 8th (Wednesday)]

((((((me&my3))))))

Sorry you're having a bad day. Do something just for yourself. And although it's pretty impossible, try to shut off your brain for awhile--

And time does march on.

Anything special happen?? Or did the tsunami of memory just appear out of nowhere like it often does?

25,

It's the memory tsunami coming over me at full force. AGAIN!! It might sound weird but I'm always aware of exactly how old the oc is. Sometimes I wake in the morning and I'm in

mid-thought about the oc and know that I was dreaming about it once again.

MF I hate that bitch. The anger helps but it can only sustain me for so long and then the hurt takes over. Money worries and a bit of PMS thrown in sure doesn't help.

Me

Me&My3, how old is OC. We have seven weeks to go until OC is born. I feel like OW is lurking out there waiting to make her move. I hate that the ball is in her court.

hurt,

The oc isn't a baby anymore. I've been dealing with this situation for several years so believe me when I say it doesn't EVER stop hurting.

Me

[This message edited by Me&my3 at 4:45 PM, February 8th (Wednesday)]

Question for those whose H's have contact with OC.

Did anyone use a mediator to cut through the gridlock of OW not wanting BS present when visiting the baby and BS not accepting H's private visits with OC if OW is present?

We are stumped as to how to proceed. I know one option is getting the courts involved and using the judge as the final arbiter. We are trying to delay that til we find out where OW will end up geographically.

Any ideas anyone?

25,

I'm not completely familiar with your story so forgive me if I go in a direction that doesn't apply.

My h does not have contact but I have several friends whose husbands do. One of them started visitation when the oc was 18 months old. It started off very slowly at first. Three hours every other weekend slowly building up. The bw and h met ow in a public location such as a park and ow watched from a distance. They eventually worked up to having the oc for the day at their home. Overnights are not allowed before the oc turns 3 per a court order (because visitation wasn't started earlier) unless the ow agrees to it earlier.

In the other situation the oc was seen by both the bs and the husband from the beginning. It was also done in neutral place. The oc was brought to the meeting location by someone other than the ow. A grandparent or friend, etc.

Remember that the ow DOES NOT have all the control. If you want to see that baby with YOUR husband you have every right. Let her fight it out in court. Don't let her call all the shots and don't for a minute back down. If you do it now she'll push your buttons forever. If she decided to name your husband as daddy she gives up a whole lot of her rights one of which is having the baby be seen by you.

If and when you start visitation it would be a good idea to keep a log recording everything that happens when the oc is in your care. You never know when it might come in handy legally. Another suggestion is to have a notebook that goes back and forth between your household and the ow house covering things such as when the child ate dinner, bowel movements, illnesses, naps, favorite foods, medications, etc. This way it limits the amount of verbal communication needed between your h and the ow.

Good luck,

Me

[This message edited by Me&my3 at 5:12 PM, February 8th (Wednesday)]