SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know phoebe. My H has dimple in his chin and both little girls also have this dimple. Its just crazy. I have a disgusting feeling all the time. Now everytime I look at my daughter I see this OC's image in my head. Although trust me my daughter is still my pride and joy and i wouldn't trade for the world.

But my H couldn't deny this OC even if he tried. Both girls have his physical traits. Well I guess thats a good thing in a since. At least I can't see the OW in the child only my H.

Hurtn...OMG! I read your post here and immediately flipped to a new screen to check BabiesRUs and Pottery Barn Kids! No registry yet but I'm sure it will be there soon. I know for sure she's pregnant in our case...thanks to the ultrasound pictures w/ her name on them that she sent to my H in a Christmas card.

See what a bitch she is?

Sapphire35,

I was one of those who had a Husband who wanted contact with OC. The baby was 5 mths old when I found out, I didn't have a clue. He had already been so involved with her by then the NC was never an choice for me. At first, I tried to make him go NC, it didn't work. He would look me in my face and lie, he would sneak around to see her and finally I said, that if he HAD to see this OC, it would be on my terms.

That in the end wasn't enough to save my marriage, but it did for a while give me some of the power back in the relationship. If a man wants to be in his child's life, then it's hard to convince him not to. The more you try to pull him away, the more he is gonna try to pull the other.

If your not in MC, please go, IC if at all possible for you at least.

Take Care,

NA

Found the OW's registry on babiesrus. Made me want to puke. Just makes me sick thinking how f***ing selfish she is. Other side to that though, and perhaps a good side, is that she is registered in another state-back where we know she originally came from and her parent's live. Good side of that is she filed for CS in NY, but the laws in her state are much more lenient/and give us a much better case to have less responsibility to this child that my H wants NC with. I told my H about this, and we are going to hire a PI to find out where she is really living. If its back with her folks, we'll try to get her case thrown out of court here. I am so angry about all this crap, that I don't care how much we spend on atty's, etc. As long as she doesn't get one more dime than absolutely necessary, and gets a taste of how out of control she made us feel. I would like her to have 1/10th the pain she put me through.

Twokids...my fantasy is that I spend every last dime we have and destoy her financially and leave her w/nothing. Of course, being a fantasy, the money fairy magically replaces it all in our account but not hers! LOL!

sorting thru - i am very interested in hearing your story and the steps you have taken to R successfully.

i really need to hear some positive stories from people that have made it through the other side.

BW-I share your fantasy! I don't so much want to destroy her, but want her to take responsiblity for her childish behavior. I fantasize about confronting her, and telling her parent's that she is an adulteress. Funny thing is that we are both Catholic-she attended Catholic school her whole life, including college. Would love to lay some of that Catholic guilt on her-REALLY THICK!!

sorting thru-YES-we would love to hear from you and how you successfully got through this-it is hard seeing the other side of it. You said you no longer pay CS-is there a worry or plan if this kid wants to know their dad in 5-10 yrs from now? Do you have kids-if so, do they know? These are just a few of the Q's that haunt me.

Hugs to you all...I'm so glad I found a place I can speak out and be understood.

SortingThru,

PLEASE POST! Many of need to see that there is hope on the other side. I for one worry about...

1. OW not initially hitting us up for $$ but coming back to haunt us years down the road.

2. My future kids going w/o b/c we need to support HER kids. (This makes my blood boil just thinking about it.)

3. The OC knocking on our door someday when he's 18 or so and having to tell our families who this person is.

4. That a CS/paternity lawsuit will end up splitting us up. Irrational I know b/c we are a team and recommitted to each other but I can only imagine the stress level something like that brings.

One question for you...in your situation did you ever threaten to sue for full physical custody as a scare tactic to make the OW just go away completely?

Thanks.

BW-we can PM more on this, but I have the same Qs!! As to haunting us down the road, she can go to court anytime, forever--but so can your H if there are changes in financial situations. It is a two way street according to our attny. If there is a court ordered CS-the court revisits every two years automatically (at least in NY).

As to threatening custody/visitation, my H and I struggle with the same thoughts. My H has decided to take the stand that it is an "open issue"-let her squirm a bit. As you know our OC is here, paternity established, but not yet legally, and awaiting a postponed court date. The date was agreed to be pushed back so we can negotiate, and its been over two weeks and no word from the OW's attny. I think she is shitting in her pants because she started this, and we are not giving up easily. I think she expected my H to either leave me and go with her, or to offer her a huge chunk of $$ to go away quietly. Well, neither has happened. Its all about control, don't we know that. My H and I have even said that perhaps we'll tell the court that we don't want to pay add'l for child care, I'm a stay at home mom, so everyday the baby can come to my house while she goes to work!! Again, another scare tactic we have fantasized over.

As to what happens 15/20 years from now, all we can do is prepare, because we can't control it. I have two kids-what and when do I tell them? I think they need to be told at some point, but how do we do that? Its a very scary thought.

This scares me too, that it will split H and me up--but the flip side is that it can make us stronger. I think w/o this happening, my H and I would have split up-it took this huge of a mistake for him to see what was really important. He has admitted that, which is probably the biggest relief I ever felt.

Day to day...it is hard.

Hugs to you BW...this is the hardest time, waiting for OC to arrive...and it does get a bit easier.

Hi! I am new to this forum, but I needed to be able to talk to people who are going through similar situations. It has been about six months since I found out, but we have been working hard to get us back and while the road has been tough it has also allowed us to feel a new sense of love for each other that we didn't have before. However, while I am slowly but surely forgiving him, there is the matter of the OW being due in April. Yes she is pregnant and hopes that this baby will make him walk away from us and into her. My question is, we have both stated where we want to be, how do I handle her? Can life be normal? I have no malice towards the child because it is not the child's fault that this happened, but I am worried about what this child will do to us or more importantly what she will try to do to us.

[This message edited by strawberries523 at 8:31 PM, January 28th (Saturday)]

Strawberries-welcome to a club we would all rather not belong to...good info and support here. Great place to voice your opinion and fears.

Hope it helps you as much as it is helping me!

Just reading the story about Isiah, the basketball star and his OC that was born from a one-night stand. Even her own lawyer disputed that she had a three to four month affair with Isiah. He also stated that the amount Isiah gave is fair. The OW tried to sue Isiah for more money and he refused. She also tried to su her lawyer because he didn't get her a fair settlement. You can also see that Isiah and his wife agreed to NC with the child and now the child wants to have contact with Isiah. Sure he screwed her, but she chose to have the baby and tried to ride the gravy train and lost.

Just wanted to let you guys know that whatever decision you make is right for you and to not let the OW think that she holds all the cards.

neveragain-it sounds like your M ended in D. I hope mine doesn't end that way, but you never know. Your situation is so similiar to mine. My H is has been seeing this OC off and on for 2 years without my knowledge.

Welcome strawberrie, I hope you can find some comfort and support from the SI group. We are all digging ourselves out of this large tunnel of sh:t.

OC is 16 months old and it has not gotten any easier dealing with the fact that he exisits. EXOW did get married and her and her new H have been talking about her H adopting OC which would be like a dream come true for me. Finally I would not have to pay that bitch anymore money for screwing my H. For those whose OC is not born yet I have much sympathy for you I know the pain of the waiting game and the toll that it takes on you. The irony in all this is that my H and I are much closer than we were before the affair but I am not sure if that makes it easier or harder to cope with his actions.

It really sucks to see that there are so many other women in the same horrible situation as I am in. I hope that things can get better for all of us here.

Good luck

always-does your H have any contact with OW or OC? Do your kids know?

How do you know what OW is up to in her life? I hope that ours goes away, but that creates its own set of problems wondering when and where she'll show up again.

Thanks for posting...its good to know we are not alone out there. I wonder how many people go through this...many more than we realize, I think.

My H and I have seen OC a couple of times and EXOW tends to call at least once a month for one thing or another. So there is contact just not alot of it. We have not told our kids about the fact that H had a baby with another woman, they are way to young to understand. My H is willing to allow EXOW's H to adopt I just hope that they are serious about wanting to do that. That to me would be the perfect ending to this hellish nightmare, it of course would not take away the fact that H has OC with another woman but the financial burden and the fact that H has OC on our medical insurance would be lifted. The constant reminder of the affair would be lessened and the ability to move on would increase.

It is hard enough to hear that the man that you loved, trusted and pictured growing old with could have an affair but, to hear that the affair resulted in a child being born is by the far the most painful experience that one could endure in my opinion.

It is so hard to see OC and to know that he is H's but not mine. That he has some of the same physical traits as my two boy's but not me and that is not fair.

It is so sad to see so many that are having to go through this same situation. They are all different circumstances but the result is the same. I was once also checking the baby registry at different stores and torturing myself on a daily basis with this knowlege that OC was going to be born and there was'nt anything that I could do about it. I had myself convinced that the paternity test would come back and show that H was not the father I guess that was my way of protecting myself. I went with him to get the results and as soon as I sat down I knew what I was going to hear by the look in the case workers face and the amount of papers she had H sign before she gave him the results.

I remember not being able to breathe I just wanted to run as fast as I could for as long as I could. My world crashed and will never be the same again. All the thoughts that I had as a little girl of true love, marriage and soul mates were gone and probably forever which in a way is good for me I never want to feel that vunerable again.

I feel that there is hope to create a stronger more postive realtionship with my H after the affair, but it does take alot of energy and alot of time on both sides to make it work and I hope in the end it will be worth it.

[This message edited by dontknowwhat2do at 12:22 PM, January 31st (Tuesday)]

Well,baby was born Saturday morning and we just got back from the flight cross country--what a hellish weekend.

FOW was alone for the birth--baby was about 12 days early and her mom lives in Europeand wasn't there yet. We got there the next day. As we had compromised, H went to the hospital to meet baby and deal with enormous complications caused by FOW being from Europe.

Paperwork involving embassy, different birth certificates, paternity ackowledgement, etc. was a nightmare and took huge amounts of time dealing with the bureaurocracy.

But of course the hardest part was dealing with FOW's feelings about not having seen H since July, his "abrupt" withdrawl from her, and the fact of my existance as H's wife and partner, and specifically her desire to harp on them. H was there several times for shortish periods of time, and left to be with me, have meals, etc. Course that set her off again when he came back, so the whole ordeal took longer than it should have.

So many things happened I can't describe them, and it doesn't really matter. All I know is that it was soooooo hard--and will continue to be hard. Cuz next time I will meet the baby, come hell or high water, since she will have to somehow accept the fact that we are a team.

I think she thinks that the husband moves from one family to the next, whereas in reality it is the OC who moves from his family with his mother to visit his family with his father and stepmother.

Remains to be seen if she will accept all this--it would be so much easier if H didn't feel so strongly about not abandoning his kid. Guess easiest of all would be adoption like always was describing--but this OW is not likely to meet someone anytime soon I don't think, given what I've heard from H.

I am sort of numb I think--although we had lots of conversations and tears over the weekend, the real pain is still lurking. But at least the birth is over--we're back home (miles away from her) and working hard on us.

Gotta love numbness for awhile.

Rambling--still in shell shock.

(((((((((((((((25wimsey)))))))))))))))

Sending you lots of hugs, sweetie!

How is your H going to be in the OC's life if she lives far away?

Thanks for the hugs.

This is so new for us--of course H will only be in OC's life sporadically. Right now the plan is flying there every 2 or 3 months. Don't know if it will work--but H wants to try. Anyone else have long distance contact with OC?

This truly sucks.