SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Remember that the OC will not suffer from "not having" a hands on, day to day father for the first couple of years of it's life...maybe it would be proper to let the OW take sole care of her child...while things are worked out between the other parents.... including your role, if any ? This fantasy that the WS, OC and OW are a family unit needs a reality check and Cooling off period......this OW needs to realize her place...and that is that your husband is not part of "her" family..When she acepts this "understanding"...is when she allows you to be, without resentment, a step mother to her child. If she refuses your involvement, doesn't this help your H's case in reducing CS ?

BW--

I'm sorry I've been out of the loop for a few days. Starting school is nuts and I am a bit intimidated, but I think it will be better this week. Also, my D had a huge bday party at our house this past weekend--she had a blast, but I am exhausted. 20 kids, games, food, a huge mess...but that is nothing compared to your weekend.

You know you are totally rewriting my story...I've been through almost the same exact experience, although the timing is a bit different. Also being that we share the same judge on the CS case, I think the outcome will be similar. We had the same BS about the nanny--judge demanded licensed nanny with proof so that is within your right. I trekked the 30 entire blocks around OW bitch's appt to every single day care there was, walked in and got their brochures and made several appts for a visit by my H. My advice-do the same. Judge is looking for reasonable and customary, and that H won't take her shit. He has a right to be involved in day care decisions, but the final decision is hers. If there is back-up that affordable, qualified day care is available, judge will be more favorable to lowering the cost even if OW doesn't agree to use that care.

As to what OW is entitled to...same story again. They just don't get it that they are entitled to NOTHING!!!, the child is entitled to care. The amount allotted by the state is $1,380 per month (which is 17% of an 80K per year salary) which is proportionally split by the two income earning parents. Anything in excess of that is for daycare, medical and educational needs only, to be determined based upon the needs of the child--not the parent's income, nor the OW desires! She needs to prove need, but the judge's tend to be lenient because they are lazy. It is easier for them to award more, because the way law is written, they do not need to explain amounts over the statutory amount, only amounts less than that. Crazy, but that is the way it is. But case law does not demand ANY required standard of living--CS is for the child's NEEDS only, not because he has rich parents (which we know isn't true in this case, but these stupid OWs just don't get it).

Take a few days...breathe. It will also seem a bit better soon. You are strong and will get through this.

hi i'm new here unfortunately. i found out 4 weeks ago that my husband cheated on me 2 years ago and as a result of this one time infidelity there was a child. he has been seeing this child w/o my knowledge since it was born almost 2 years ago. we are in counseling. we have been trying for kids for 2 years with no luck. he has an informal arrangement with the ow and gives child support and presents to them. he even got her a b'day present!

i'm thinking of asking for a NC period for a while? anybody here made a success of H seeing the OC and maintaining a healthy marriage?

I have to say that NC is definately for me. It was not hard to decide on it, especially when I saw what kind of whore she was. At first we contemplated visitation, until Whore tried to get my H fired on his job, more than once.

We felt that if we did ever have the child, whore would make a claim against my H or me saying abuse or something worse. So he has never had any visitation with the oc. Believe me this threw her for a loop, because the only reason she had a baby was to get him to leave his family.

She thought that he wouldn't be able to resist being the father of her child. She was way wrong. She assumed and made a royal ass out of herself. That kid just had its first birthday, and no presents or calls or shit for her biological father.

The kid is truly hers to raise. Incidently, on this kid's bd, I expected her call him at work. She may have but didn't reach him. Anyway, our child is moving into to adolescence and had some events take place in his life, which could not be ignored. My H was so consumed by our child's issues on this day that I'm sure that he only thought of that oc, if at all for a fleeting moment.

Anyhow Bitch hates the fact that her plan backfired on her ass. She's got a baby, a ten year old, is unmarried, unemployed,is on welfare and no man. She now hates my H. She calls him at work from time to time to just rage at him, until he hangs up on her.

She hates him so much that she has done illegal activities to get back at him . My H had to get a po against her to keep her off his job. She is so angry that she just makes shit up trying to ruin my H's life. She has been and is still on a mission to do this.

If there was contact, it would be a situation like her calling my H to say, oc needs diapers, clothes, etc.. even though she is getting cs. She actually tried that on my H, she called him at work saying that she couldn't get any sleep and wanted him to come over to her apt immediately and watch the baby, so she could sleep. My H hung up on her.

I can remember another time she called my house, on Halloween, and said that the oc had some skin condition that didn't run on her side of the family. Again my H hung up on her.

She use to always try to call him on holidays, until he told her not call him ever again including holidays. She will do it again.

It has been hard for her to give up the idea that my H doesn't want her or the child. If she could kill him she would. That is how mad she is. She has got nerve to be mad about the fact that she had a baby by a mm. A baby she planned without my H's consent. She pretended to use bc in front of him, but instead she let herself get pregnant.

She could feel that their unimportant secret fucking was coming to an end and she planned a baby to keep him forever. But he left anyway.

[This message edited by icando at 12:52 AM, September 11th (Monday)]

icando,

Isn't it a great feeling to know our husbands totally and completely told the OW (and all their "problems") to just FUCK OFF!

Yeah, it took two to tango, but it only took one to make the decision to keep the baby. "Reap what you sow, bitches."

It just never ceases to amaze me the sense of entitlement these calculated homewreckers think they are owed.

Ican, the OW in my situation will probably be like that. She claims to be pg (we still have no proof and she is supposedly due in December)because she figured my DH wanted a baby and if she gave him the baby, he'd leave me for her. She was shocked when he told her that he wanted a baby but only with me. Otherwise he wanted NO children! She doesn't know that he's already said NC all the way. She is going to be surprised when she is the one having to stay with the baby all the time, no one there to help her out with the colic or on those long, long nights when the kid decides he's not going to sleep!!

Squeak, sorry you have to be here but I'm glad you found SI. It's painful but you'll get through it somehow, someway. Just stay strong.

Bee, AMEN! I hold him responsible for the A, but she told him she couldn't get pg, and that she wanted no ties. They were just "fuck buddies" then when he tells her to have an abortion she agrees, tells him he needn't worry anymore only to pop up saying she's pg three months later. Stupid cow!!

Betrayedwife,

I'm so glad to hear that your h told ow NO more meetings in her home. The two of you need to be a united front! Stand firmly on your decisions and do not let the ow sway you or have an inch. If you do she will push your buttons forever. Establish it up front that the your h and you are making decisions as a team and that her whining and/or bitching will get her no where.

The judge telling your h that the ow and him have to work it out on their own doesn't mean that he can't have an atty negotiating things for him. By the two of them maintaining contact she feels like she has the upper hand.

Remember, this is your life too. The oc doesn't come before you or anyone else. We all share a piece of the hurt pie in this situation. I am a firm believer that the oc should NOT take top priority and that any man that puts the oc over his marriage or the children of the marriage isn't worth your time. That doesn't mean that contact is wrong for everyone, it just means that the oc is but ONE person in this screwed up situation and all the other parties feelings should be taken into consideration before any decisions are made.

Take care of yourself. I can read how difficult this is for you. I know how desperately you want to have your own child and the stress of all of this doesnt't help.

Me

BW,

I hope that you can maintain your sanity right now. Its tough. Set the tone now.

Advice from my lawyer to us, was to be careful about setting up a specified amount for childcare. It is better to establish a percentage of the cost, rather than a specific amount.

You could be stuck with paying for childcare, even if she quits her job or lets say she was off for two weeks and didn't have cc needs. If you say that your going to pay, for example $350 per month for cc. Then thats it. You will be paying even if the child is not at a daycare or with a nanny.

Also, be clear about the age of the child. The child doesn't need childcare after the age of 12 or 13. Make sure you limit the age of how long the cc will last and pay a percentage. Also, pay for cc only for work or school related time, not grocery shopping or study time.

You probably already know all of this, but I just want to make sure you cross all the t's.

BW--

To add to the child care portion of support discussion, try as much as possible to make the child care number higher and support lower. This way, when child care ends the amount paid monthly is less.

Well, we got the petition for paternity and child support today. I called our lawyer to start our paperwork to protect us.

The OW stated she had sexual relations with my H from Dec 5 2005 to Feb 2006. He told me it was a ONS. I immediately called him and asked him about it. He said no that was not true. Now I know I have given him plenty of opportunity to tell me everything so I think he is telling me the truth on this one. But I wonder why she would lie on a legal document. I mean did she not know when she slept with him??!! Three months is a big span.

I so want to contact her still and ask her why. She does know our home phone number and has not contacted H since she had the baby. She left voice mails twice and we listened to them together.

I hate all this. What did I do to deserve this? This is suppossed to be a happy time for us and our family and our new baby. But it is riddled with her and her kid. She makes me sick.

kristine--

I am almost positive that my H had sex with OW 4 or maybe 5 times over a period of about 3 1/2 months, on and off. I believe it, because what he admitted to me ties into my remembering when he acted strangely or when I suspected him. I was pretty much dead on-but too stupid to see the evidence right in front of me. Anyway, my point was that when we got the paternity order OW claimed they had an 8 month long relationship-which was absolute bullshit. They will say anything to act like they are deserving of some peice of their imaginary pie.

[This message edited by twokidsmomny at 8:50 PM, September 13th (Wednesday)]

Kristine & 2kids,

The OW in my situation also would have liked me to believe that she had some kind of true romance with my H, stating something like, "If you think it was a ONS then I feel even more sorry for you". (guess she forgot we've been happily married almost 32 years)

I got a good laugh out of that one. Yeah, right: H went NC ASAP,OW got told to essentially F-off by my H and was dismissed pretty damn quickly by him after the enormity of his misdeed set in (which was immediately) , and this dumb bitch wants to categorize it as some kind of love affair!

I guess that's how OW's describe a loving "meaningful" relationship (in their simple-headed mind)that results in an OC?! By exaggerating both the A length and meaning? Just how stupid are these OWs?

To all of us here:

Trust your instincts; don't let OW undermine the fragile trust you are re-building with your H, especially if H is really, sincerely trying to R.

twokidsmomny-

I am also wondering if she had to put a time period on the paperwork instead of just the one night they were together. I have no idea.

I never suspected a thing. So I have no idea when it happened except for what he has told me.

BeeTrayed-

I know he wants to R. He is putting forth as much effort as required. I have given him every opportunity to leave but he stays. I will not kick him out. If he wants to leave that is his decision.

I was wondering if the OW had to put a time period on the paperwork per her case worker. I wish I knew if she was going after the other potential father too. I guess we will never find out.

I am trying to prepare myself for the worst. I asked my H if he wanted to see the child and he says he does not know. I just wish he would pay the support and let it go. But I am not certain he will. He was abandoned by his dad when he was 6.

I am waiting for the lawyer to contact me. I am not sure if they do the DNA test on the date of the first appearance. Do you know?

Ladies,

I noticed that we have a newbie posting in our thread. Her first post as 'Squeak' was on 9/10. Please take a moment and welcome her to our board. I sent her a pm and hope that the rest of you will answer in the thread or send your own pm. I just remember how it was when I was a newbie and received little or no responses to my posts on other message boards. I felt unwelcome and quickly left. As you all know, sometimes these message boards are literally our lifeline keeping us sane from day to day.

Thanks,

Me

Welcome to our little club Squeak. It's a sucky club to be in but hopefully you'll find whatever support you seek. I'm sorry but I can't help you with reconciliation and having contact as we have nc. I do have friends that have contact though and I know that there are quite a few women on the MB board that have contact and are in reconciliation. Best wishes to you and your family.

Me

Squeak-

I am hoping my H will seek NC if we find out the OC is his. We have our first court date the end of October.

I am sure there are some people of here who can help you.

To Squeak...frankly I don't see how anyone's marriage could stay "healthy"...unless the BS and FWS are a team dealing with the OW and The OC...If WS is seeing OC without the BS at his side and alone with the FOW....That is a recipe for disaster.

How could you trust OW to do the "right things"...i.e. respect your marriage...when the OC was always a pawn to destroy your Marriage and get him to leave the BS ?

Squeak, my H has seen the OC at three different visits now (FOW and OC are on a different coast now), never alone with FOW--either at the hospital, day care, or with her mother there. FOW is like so many here--she has issues about me being in contact with her baby!! So I met him once, at an uncomfortable meeting with H, OC, OW, and me--we didn't exchange a word, and now that visit was apparently enough. But the next visit is with just H and OC at the day care--FOW is finally getting the message that they are not a "family"

It's rough but can be done--my H wants to be a father to this child, but realizes that his priorities lie with keeping me sane and our marriage safe. So we negotiate along from crisis to crisis, drama to drama, and it's painful. For now, I have NC with the child and H visits without her anymore (at least til the next curve she throws).

I agree that the OC will not suffer from not having a hands on dad for the first years--in our case, it will be forever since we live so far apart. But early on especially, working on the marriage is prime, and if it can't be done without sacrificing visitation til the OW starts accepting reality, then OC can wait a few years. Dust to settle and all that.

Good luck and keep posting.

Ladies...my update. our R is progressing. i got to a point where i had to ask myself if i was deliberately sabotaging my relationship or did if i truly wanted it to work. i know that he is doing his best now and he is focused on being the best he can be...but I had a role to play too. I couldn't hold his crap over his head for the rest of our lives and expect him to want to be in this right? So I had to make a conscious decision to really bite the bullet to make this work.

So...the OC is part of our life now. He is innocent and he is cute...when he wants to sleep he comes to me. I bath him...I feed him and I'm actually ok. We had him for the whole weekend this past week and it was nice. Part of me feels like if we actually raised him ourselves, there would be less drama. But I will have to say, that we are lucky that the OW has not been difficult at all. She knows her place in all this and she lets my FWS make all the calls. I still hate her and probably always will but I suppose that is a separate issue.

Things are coming along for us. I know he loves me and is commited to us, but at the same time he wants to do his best for this child. His father left them when he was young and so I think there is a huge sense of guilt behind all of this.

My family has been supportive. The have been encouraging and as I slowly progress and develop the relationship that I have with the baby they are very supportive. They know it hurts, but at the same time they help remind me that he is innocent. It's an amazing feeling to have my family supportive and understanding.

So ladies...there is hope for us. Of course that is not to say that when I hear people say "oh FWS he looks just like you..." its like a knife ripping through my chest. But I can only hope that in due time it will hurt less and eventually when we have children of our own..it will hurt less.

Ladies, I hope everyone is doing well. It's been awhile and I just wanted to give an update.

Take care

crazedNconfused-

How did you tell your family about the OC? How do they treat him?