SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BW,

You are angry, hurt and in despair, and who could blame you? I never had to suffer through difficulty conceiving, but I know people who have and I can understand your emotions right now; at least I *think* I can.

After all, you are not only dealing with the terrible OW/OC situation, but your own difficulties with conception. How fair is that?

Unfortunately, we all know life can be VERY unfair. I am currently dealing with a family situation in New York that is/are driving me nuts (family homestead, lawsuits, siblings not talking, etc.) and it is costing me thousands to litigate this in order for my kids to get the trust money they are entitled to. VERY nasty stuff here...and threatening to me physically.

This is not like your situation, of course, but I mention it only to let you know that we all have a need to feel overwhelmed by circumstances at times.

I'm sorry you are alone at this time. I am often alone, with my sons in college and my H away. I try to immerse myself in a good book or movie to help get my mind off of things. Maybe you have a friend or relative that can understand where you are at the moment and offer some distraction?

If not, get some rest. Things often feel better after a good night's sleep.

Thinking of you,

BT

Bee,

Thanks for your kind words. I decided tonight is for me. I booked a mani pedi for Saturday, am having a good cup of coffe and watching bad entertainment TV. If I "feel" like it, I'll take the f-ing financial form again. If not, H will just have to deal w/ it tomorrow when he gets back. I'm sorry you're going through a tough family time. I have a friend who went through the same and to this day her mom and one aunt don't talk to the other sister. It's sad. BTW...our NY lawyer is a barracuda if you need a referral!

As for the conception part, I know I can get pregnant since I've been twice. I'm frustrated. When is it my turn for god's sake? I'm almost 40, will probably NOT be able to be a stay at home mom b/c of this OW/OC crap and have been ready for years to be a mom. All I know is that I love my H dearly, want a family and feel that life has shit on me for no reason. Thanks for listening. You're one of the best! -BW

BW,

Silly me, I just re-read your post and realized my error with the "conception" focus. I can see where you would regret the earlier decision to terminate, but who the heck could have ever predicted where you (and others here in this thread) would have been a few years down the road?!

It's CRAZY!

I will keep my fingers crossed for you. Like my situation in NY sooner or later the tide has to change direction. When I was a kid I had a friend who use to crack me up with a saying that I still get a chuckle out of to this day. She would say, "Things are always darkest.....before they go pitch black!" I hope you can chuckle like I did. You are at "pitch black"...it HAS to get better!

BW,

I truly feel for you. It's not fair and you don't deserve what has happened to you.

It is all in your perspective and how you look at it. Make a decision to look at it differently tommorrow.

Let you H fill out the form, then you oversee it. Put the responsibility on him. Take a break from this nonsense and treat yourself to a Starbucks or whatever makes you happy.

Then focus on staying in control of yourself and the situation.

Icando,

Somebody has to look out for our best interests since our husbands obviously weren't. We MUST step up to the plate and be proactive. Good for you in taking that step to protect yourself.

Me

BetrayedWife,

You're right. None of this is fair. We didn't sign up for this shit, it's what we've been handed and it flat out sucks. Now we have to make the best of a crappy situation.

Take care of yourself. Continue to make time for YOU. Keep as busy as you can to take your mind off things. I know that for about a year after we found out about the oc I had the cleanest F'n house in the state. I had to stay moving or I'd have lost my damn mind.

If worse comes to worse, cry, rant, scream and have a hissy fit. I always seemed to feel better after I did. It's like you're so drained that your body and brain give you a break for a short while.

Your time will come. Believe it.

Me

Some of my most helpful moments of coping were swimming underwater,... ranting, raving and crying...there the water washed away my tears and took the heat out of my anger, I rose to the surface again and again to just breathe.......what a Stress buster.

Also walking gave me time to be reflective and think about what I wanted and how I would handle things thrown at me. Massages were great...better than counsiling sessions, and cheaper.

I read something this am on another thread..that made me feel much better..What I have that the OW doesn't.

I live my life with courage, honor, strength, self respect, truth, self esteem, integrity and dignity...I am a good , kind person. I am not stupid...She the MBA endowed OW hasn't those qualities or my character.....No matter what happens..I am in a better place, Because of what I am.

She has to suffer her choices for the rest of her life,... I can move on if I choose too....I only have to live my life with a clean conscience....something she will never do!...I pity her...no wonder WS came home to me.....and she has to embrace that...no matter what!

Have a good day ladies , be kind to yourself and know you are blessed..despite the drama trhown at you......rise above it.

Lunny,

AMEN

FWIW:

Uhm....I'm not sure OWs *have* a conscience?

Thank you all! You make me feel better, breathe easier and have a bit of peace of mind. I'm raising a very good glass of Cab to each of you.

Cheers!

BW

{{{BW}}}

You don't deserve this! I've told my H that while I own my share of the issues that existed before the A, that I shouldn't even be in this situation now. He admits it and is appropriately remorseful but it is still so overwhelming.

As for the fertility issues, keep me in mind: 6 years of infertility, 4 failed IVF cycles, 2 failed IUIs, clomid, femara, all of it. Over $64000 down the drain and I wind up pg, one month before my 40th b-day. And as you already know, he's healthy. So don't you let it get to you. There is always hope.

Did you ever check out that site?

If you don't mind, I'd like to add you to my prayer list. I know it sounds maybe a little weird, but I have a list of women who are having troubles TTC and I pray for them every morning and every night. It's something for me really, I guess.

iknow-yes please add me to the TTC prayer list. Any bit of help is appreciated.

Court was yesterday. Temp CS ordered at $1100 every two weeks. Judge told them to work it out and come back in 2 months. He's seeing her and the brat today. I'm sick over this. He has to go to her apartment b/c she doesn't want to take the little darling outside. Funny how you take him outside every day to go to daycare (she's back at work).

Help!

BW,

I know you may not want to. But since he wants to see the oc and he has to go to her place, you should go with him. Everytime it should be set according to your wishes.

Girl you have to be strong now and you can do this. But you have got to demand it. Also, put your foot down and demand that it is not at her place.

As for the judge, his or hers wishes are not the final answer. Remember you ARE THE WIFE AND THEY WON'T BE WORKING ANYTHING OUT. HE IS YOUR HUSBAND AND WILL HONOR HIS MARRIAGE FIRST!

In your marriage she doesn't exist. What she wants doesn't matter. You have to let your H know this. And he has to think about how you feel NOW, when he wasn't before.

Your H can send that message even to the court and to her by using the lawyer to communicate for right now and force her to let him see the child at an alternative place.

When you let your H go to her place to see oc, that is exactly what she wants. She will try with all her might to have sex with your H again. That is why you need to be there.

[This message edited by icando at 11:45 AM, September 9th (Saturday)]

BW,

I know you may not want to. But since he wants to see the oc and he has to go to her place, you should go with him. Everytime it should be set according to your wishes.

Girl you have to be strong now and you can do this. But you have got to demand it. Also, put your foot down and demand that it is not at her place.

As for the judge, his or hers wishes are not the final answer. Remember you ARE THE WIFE AND THEY WON'T BE WORKING ANYTHING OUT. HE IS YOUR HUSBAND AND WILL HONOR HIS MARRIAGE FIRST!

I had no choice but to let him go. She told him that it's between THEM to work out. She doesn't give a rat's ass that she's devastated my life. She is a first class whore in my opinion. My H will not have sex w/ her. I know in my heart he won't, is dedicated to me and I have to trust him. He knows the consequences if he breaks what fragile trust we have in place. The money is obscene. We spoke at length last night and he has to try to work this out. I made it very very clear that this is a one time deal and that he will not ever go to her place again. What can I do? My hands are tied. I cannot force my way into her home and if I want any chance of getting out of this w/o us losing our shirts, I have to let him try to negotiate. As H put it last night...he's going to be putting on the biggest act of his life today. I pray that's so.

Will update you all later but please say a prayer for me. I'm about to have a nervous breakdown.

BW,

I am praying for you right now. I totally can feel your pain. I almost feel like it is me. I feel like fighting.

BW,

Like icando I'm flipping out here!

I've got some new twists on my NY problem that has me all stressed out also, so I'll bite my tongue for the moment and wait for your next post on how things went.

It makes me sick to think of these OW's manipulation tactics.

BW, I'm getting a little anxious here. I hope you are alright and the reason you haven't updated us is because you and your hubby are having a quiet evening together discussing the success of his "mission".

As always, my thoughts are with you guys.

Sorry to stress you guys out w/ my delayed post. To be clear, H did not want to see OC but had to b/c court said work it out or we'll just impose the max CS under the law. Found out a few things...

She is paying an in-home nanny $2600 cash under the table. I am going to call off Thursday and research costs for every licensed day care in her neighborhood. H brought that up and she had the nerve to tell him that if she gets stuck at work HE had to get the OC! No way sister. You had the kid, you want physical custody, your problem. I am also going to see that the average monthly cost is at all of the daycares and we will offer have of that figure. If she wants to pay the nanny then we are going to say that we will pay have of what a license day care costs and she can pay the balance to this nanny. Oh and by the way, we want nanny's name address and SSN so that we can send her a 1099 at year end for taxes! In addition, we want nanny's fingerprints, state and federal criminal and child abuse background checks. Basically all checks that we had to do for our adoption process. Take that you bitch!

The "meeting" lasted 3 hours y'day. I had a complete mental break down in the car. I don't know how I made it home and am surprise I still have eye balls. I guess there was a lot of finger pointing and yelling between them until the brat work up. H said the kid is cute, but THANK GOD DOESN'T LOOK LIKE HIM BUT INSTEAD LIKE OW'S FATHER! HUGE feeling of relief on that one.

OW kept saying she went through pregnancy alone (boo fucking hoo). H said what did you expect? You made a decision, told me afterward and cornered me. You did not take my situation or feelings on this topic into account and then you want SUPPORT from me while your pregnant. He reminded her that while he was getting crap from her he was also dealing w/ me and his choice was me.

He also told her in no particular order: no more meetings at her house, money is ridiculous and if she insists on it then he will find a job out of state or overseas and then the kid will really not have a father (lip service on the father part), that his wife is NOT HAPPY that he had to come to her apartment (new apt in same building so I was not that anxious), that for better or worse b/c of HER decision she is stuck w/ him for the next 21 years, and that she needs to get real about the money (she was spouting off that she's "entitled" to $3500 per month under law). H said that if she contributing the same amount, plus child care, what could the child possibly need that costs $84K per year? She said well I can show you estmates, studies, etc. and he shot back that he can do. He told her to get the number to something reasonable, he never said he would shirk his financial responsibility, etc.

I told him I'm fine w/ him pretending to want a relationship w/ the kid but it had better just be lip service. I also confessed to him that I am deathly afraid that he will tell me he loves that child and if he does, I cannot handle it and our marriage will be over. He is the sperm donor, period. No little league, no school plays, no parent teacher conferences, no Christmas pagents, etc. NO NO NO!

Oh and BTW, OW has a man in her life. Begs the question how long he's been around and if she was sleeping w/ him when she was sleeping w/ H. He called her on that and she was like "I swear there was no one else and it could have only been your baby." H replied "well how was I to know that especially when I know you're seeing someone?" Then the boyfriend Mark calls 3 times while H is there. I didn't call once. These fucking people have zero respect.

OW does not "feel comfortable" w/ me being w/ her son. Fuck you! But it's OK if this Mark guy is w/ my H's son? Double standard. We are going to fight that point too. Apparently her family is over there all the time and loves the kid. All fine and good but don't think you can control who is w/ the kid when the kid is w/ my H.

I'm so glad that this is all an act but it's so hard nonetheless. She's going to shit when we hit her w/ the child care stuff. Private nanny my ass.

Sorry for the vulgarities. I'm so pissed at her. B/c she couldn't keep her legs shut, I'm not going to be able to stop work and be a stay at home mom. I hate hate hate hate hate this woman.

BW

BW,

Keep venting; it helps and is about all you can do at the moment. I hear your pain and anger; let it out.

Your plan is to go NC, right? So all this "father" stuff is just to appease her until you have the CS worked out, right?

I hope so, for your sake, as this woman appears to like playing hard ball.

It's good you have an attorney you are confident in, but never let your guard down until the CS is worked out. Be looking out for yourself (and over your H's shoulder) at all times. I thought I had a good attorney once also (Harvard grad) and he turned out to be a world class jerk, believing all the crap my brother's fed him, to my detriment. I am now in the process of getting all his screw-ups fixed, at immense additional expense. I will probably have to sue for malpractice.

Anyway, hang in there. I think you should be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel soon. You should feel better once all this squabbling and jockeying for position/control between your H and OW is over.

DO NOT let H see OC anymore than necessary. Paternal feelings could develop, especially if the OW insists on him holding OC, etc. In my case the OW tried that each time. Each time she did my H threw up his hands, backed away and told her "NO, I *have* a family!". He never laid a hand on that kid, and she never got her way with him taking an active roll in parenting. I am so thankful for that from a purely knee-jerk emotional point of view. He went totally NC.

Take care.