Sounds like the hateful rollercoaster of emotions, WantToBeHappy. That up, down, all around rollercoaster ride of emotions can last for many more months. I would switch within minutes from wanting to D, to believing he was just a "good man who done bad".
Hard to make sense of any of it during those early months post DDay.
My H had an EA that lasted over 3 years with a woman half his age. She played him for the fool he was, taking his gifts, his money, but not giving much in return except weed occasionally and a (fake) sympathetic shoulder to cry on. But he thought at the time he was in love with her. And that maybe she would one day love him, too. Crazy shit, isn't this?
And when she moved away for a short time he lost it -- lost his best friend and completely had a melt down, taking him to the 2 PAs that happened in the year after she first left. He was just so darn sad that she was gone!
But when DDay hit, he ditched them all. He quickly realized what a prick he had become, and was, and that his selfishness and narcissism was going to cost him his daughters, his marriage, the family that actually meant quite a lot to him. But he was living in fantasyland by that time, fueled in part by regular porn viewing as well. A big freaking mess.
So I don't know if you'd call my situation a LTA, but in a way it was. And the fantasy was real. Until it wasn't. Some of the best advice I received early on here was that I didn't need to make any decisions until I was ready, and that could take some time. Like a year or more. That helped me breath more easily, and it seemed that I had to choose immediately and stick to my choice. But I was wrong and by allowing myself to settle in limbo for awhile, to sit back and watch him for 6 months, then 12 months (his request that I give him a year to show me where his heart and mind were), I was able to move forward and remain on the path of R, although I've strayed over to D more than a few times in the past nearly 5 years.
Take care of yourself, nurture your children and help them know that they have you as their stable parent. It's easy to fall into our own fantasy that "life would be better if I just D his sorry ass", but in reality, it may not turn out that way. I figured I could take some time to let him do some work on himself, take some time for MC and working to improve our communication and relationship, and not have to make any choices until I could see things more clearly.
Stay focused on the fact that we (the BS in our sad story) were an afterthought, not the primary motivator for their behavior. Cheating was all about them, what they were seeking, what they felt they lacked, evidence of poor coping skills, disordered thinking, the whole ball of wax. Our M was on life support when DDay hit, and DDay is what shook us lose from that marriage coma and forced us to start talking, to get real with one another, to recommit to each other and our future together. Trust took time to rebuild, but that's come a long way since that first year. And something else remarkable can happen during this time; you will become stronger than you ever knew you could be. And you will make the choice to D or R based on strength, rather than fear.
You are not alone, WantToBeHappy. There are many here walking the path along side of you.