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I’m Safe

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DevastatedDee posted 9/23/2019 09:08 AM

He is pure evil. Complete sociopath. I'm guessing this has not endeared him further to his children.

The1stWife posted 9/23/2019 20:41 PM

Saying prayers for your continued safety.

Odonna posted 9/23/2019 22:26 PM

Hey Girl! I have my own life emergency going on but wanted to check on you today. Hang tough!!!!!!!

OwningItNow posted 9/23/2019 22:37 PM

I have thought about you and your WH repeatedly the last few days. I keep thinking, "Why? Why do so many men want to kill us when they can't control us? Why is the news loaded with stories of women being slaughtered by men who once loved them? How can the greatest of emotions become the most vile?"

I'm worried for you, Scooby. I wish 90% of Forensic Files and 20/20 and 48 Hours episodes did not revolve around some man killing and disposing of his ex, but they do. What your WH is saying and doing is keeping me up at night. How can your children want anything to do with him?

Prayers to you and your loved ones. I am worried sick for you. Are you sure your house is worth it? Witness protection sounds like a better idea.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:38 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]

Dragonfly123 posted 9/24/2019 00:54 AM

Just thinking of you Scooby, you do what makes you happiest and most comfortable. If you want to stay... stay. Just stay safe.

cocoplus5nuts posted 9/24/2019 06:44 AM

So scary, scooby! Glad you are as safe as can be. Thankful that the friend told your son (?) about the death threat. KUP

nekonamida posted 9/24/2019 07:49 AM

I keep thinking, "Why? Why do so many men want to kill us when they can't control us? Why is the news loaded with stories of women being slaughtered by men who once loved them? How can the greatest of emotions become the most vile?"

It's because their version of love is completely different from normal people's. Either a greatly inflated ego fueling the, "She doesn't deserve to live if she won't stay with me," or a general lack of empathy with a, "If I can't have her, no one will," or even a, "Divorce will completely ruin my life because it will expose who I really am and ruin all the hard work I've done pretending to be a good guy. I don't deserve this!"

A man who is willing to kill their spouse never sees her as her own person who deserves happiness of her own. They always see her as an extension of themselves, a minor character in their own story line, that becomes disposable as soon as she stops playing her part correctly. That's true of all narcissistic/sociopathic/greatly lacking in empathy spouses, male or female, and it's why they don't take their spouse's pain and suffering seriously because it's not as "real" as their own.

As for the kids, I think they were just oblivious to how this is a textbook case of when a husband kills his wife. They want to believe their dad would never do that and weren't entirely aware of all of the violence that happened before in order to realize this is a pattern of behavior and not a psychotic break. They needed a professional to talk to them about how this is a life and death situation for Scooby and giving their dad info/leeway/pity actually puts her in more danger. Now that Scooby has all of the new threatening letters, it's pretty clear his sobriety has nothing to do with it.

EllieKMAS posted 9/24/2019 12:25 PM


Scooby received a letter from stbxWH over the weekend. She is looking for some perspective from fellow SI folks because though she is not 'scared' she does feel that this letter is rather sinister.

Letter is as follows:


Not sure if you are aware of this yet maybe maybe not, my barrister says he doesn't think I'm looking at a prison sentence I have done all the self help classes available to me while I've been on remand.
seen everyone they have wanted me to see attended all groups in here, doctors councillors psychologists you name it I have seen them all.
I have made so much progress I'm even surprised myself as I was sure how you & the police also your solicitors accounts of that day don't match with mine, I'm deeply confused with it all.
I thought I would be away from you for a very long time, but I guess it shows if you do the work & put effort into something you can have a positive result.
also I guess it helps the prisons are at maximum inmates.
So Scooby my heart my soul, it looks like our reunion is happening sooner rather than later.
also I wanted to let you know we've even managed to do a lot of research online to help make me a better husband & father I've been very lucky to find some very helpful people in here.
The reason I'm giving you everything in the divorce is to show you material things mean nothing to me, material things can be replaced you can't.
you are whats important to me & I'm going to show you that for the rest of our lives together.
I'm sorry for everything becoming so confusing before but I swear I will make it up to you. you are the other half of my heart until my heart or your heart stops beating that will always be true.

My love my other half of my heart I can't wait to see you.
I promise no-one will ever come between us again.
forever yours
forever mine

Boxer dog

EllieKMAS posted 9/24/2019 12:32 PM

My thoughts...

1. This is creepy as FUCK. The "until your heart stops beating" and "I can't wait to see you"... that is very threatening language given the source IMHO (and comparing the language in this letter to the crap on his thread in WW, there are a few too many similarities for comfort) and let's just file that under classic abuser apologies. Scoobs, you KNOW he is completely full of shite.

2. Amazing how abusive shitbags like him never seem to recollect the times they were abusive shitbags isn't it? It was all a misunderstanding and it was confusing and yours, and the cops accounts don't match?? NO, he would have KILLED YOU. As they say here on SI - he showed you who he was that day. Please, for your own safety, believe him.

3. His complete and utter disregard for your wishes here is just more narcissistic posturing and is frankly pretty astonishing. Your reunion will happen? The rest of 'our' lives?? No one will ever come between us (like, say... all the women HE was boffing on the side? What about them??)?? What the actual FUCK. Clearly he has no regard or give a shit about YOUR needs or YOUR wants. All I am seeing in here is me me me, mine mine mine, I I I, blah blah blah Continued selfish drivel from a severely disturbed individual.

4. The only "apology" I am seeing here is "I'm sorry for everything becoming confusing". WTH does that even mean... NO shitbag, you're "sorry" because someone finally said no and instead of behaving like a sane MAN, you pulled some heinous bullshit to try to force what you wanted like a toddler throwing a tantrum. There is no sincere remorse or apology in this at all as far as I can see.

Scooby I am so very sorry you are dealing with this still. Please be safe and take precautions - he sounds like he is a very unstable person. Please believe that he is capable of just about anything at this point. Si vis pacem, para bellum - If you want peace, prepare for war.

Just curious, but did your kids read this letter? If so, do you mind sharing their thoughts?

Hugs honey!!

jadedangel posted 9/24/2019 12:38 PM

Sinister vibes abound in that letter. And its all about his wants/needs. He hasn't changed.

I would talk to my attorney about a permanent/maximum RO or whatever the like is for your country.

I don't think that will be enough but shields up Scooby. You will never have peace with him out.

imagoodwitch posted 9/24/2019 12:47 PM

Sweet Jesus that's a scary letter.

Please don't let anyone tell you that you are overreacting.

He's scary.

DevastatedDee posted 9/24/2019 13:28 PM

I think he's planning to get out and kill you. That letter is fucking terrifying.

susieque2 posted 9/24/2019 13:39 PM

Scooby --- I hope you've shared this with your children and the authorities --- it certainly sounds threatening to me.

Please be careful ---- my thoughts and prayers are with you!!!!

BlueIris posted 9/24/2019 13:49 PM

Dee’s comment is exactly what I thought as I read that letter.

He couches his message in a sort of “ warm and fuzzy” language, presumably intending that it comes across in an innocently doting and misunderstood-but-I-promise-I-love-you kind of way, but so much of what he writes can have a double meaning - not just that he plans to kill Scooby, but possibly that he might be considering murder-suicide, too. That whole letter reads like a “just you wait...” kind of threat.

This guy is scary as fuck. And if he can read SI, I’d wager that our comments are either fueling his ire or thrillingly exciting that he’s garnering all of this attention.

MamaDragon posted 9/24/2019 14:21 PM

I've worked as an advocate of violent crime victims, many of them are domestic in nature.

His letter terrifies me. The thing we are taught with folks like him is that they know how to say and do things to make people believe they are harmless. He seems very dangerous and I think he knows exactly what to say that is "harmless" unless you know him.

Take the letter, give it to your lawyer, and the authorities. At first to someone who doesn't know him it might seem as if he is promising you the moon. To others, who like me work in this area, it is a veiled threating death threat. Take him serious.

He will hurt you in the future - maybe even worse. Please take what I suggest as gospel.

Have a jump and go bag packed at all times. Keep important papers in multiple places (bank deposit box is good) as well as in your bag.

Have an emergency fund that you can get to physically - not a credit card but actual money.

Keep clothing, shoes, medication and anything else that you cannot live without in this bag. *I have had domestic abuse victims that had several of these bags, some left with relatives or friends.

Be aware of your situation at all times. Try not to be alone anywhere that he might show up. **Hard to do if you are living in the family home. You might consider getting a room renter or moving in with someone. I know, I know no one likes to leave their home.

Have a set of code words for your kids/friends in case you are in a situation you need help getting out of - say a nickname that would be normal but not something he would be in the know about or suspect. There is a meme on FB about you have been kidnapped, they let you post to FB to throw thing off - what would you say that would alert someone you were in trouble. Something along that line.

Consider getting a dash cam for your car and a go pro cam for your person. You never know when it will come in handy.

Many people suggest leaving the area, moving away - if someone is stalking you or doing like your STBXH, they will find you. Yeah it might make it harder on them but in the end, they will find you.

I would suggest keeping wasp spray on hand. You can direct the stream a bit better and farther away than pepper spray.

Stay safe, and big hugs.

DevastatedDee posted 9/24/2019 14:45 PM

Maybe visit the shelter and adopt a large pit bull with a serious attitude problem too. Kind of not kidding.

crazyblindsided posted 9/24/2019 17:18 PM

Wow Scooby that letter sent a chill down my spine. Reminded me of my exBF (who almost killed me) and how he tried to convince everyone that he never hit me and then would tell me he would never do that to me again. How much he LOVED me and couldn't live without me

I second the idea of getting a guard dog. I would also have a high grade alarm system, gun and a RO.

4 weeks isn't enough time for a person to change especially an abuser.

Chaos posted 9/24/2019 17:25 PM

That’s scaryAF. Seriously. I’m reading that and my first reaction is he’ll bust a hole in the door and poke his head through with a sinister grin yelling “hereeeeee’s Boxer”

Take this to the authorities, counselors, court system and any loved one.

Stay safe Scooby. You have global support.

Hurtmyheart posted 9/24/2019 18:15 PM

You have to understand your WH thinking is delusional. His brain has been so saturated in drugs and alcohol for who knows how long? Your WH doesn't even know himself. Heck, the way I see it, none of you know yourselves because the focus has been on him for so long and trying to get him to straighten out.

The truth probably is that he doesn't remember that night and many other nights like this. Only we get to remember. This part has been so frustrating for me. We are the one's who endured the abuse yet they don't remember a lot or most of it. It took me a long time to come to this acceptance.

When I read that letter I saw many things in it. I saw fear. I saw sadness. I saw pain. I saw manipulation. I saw him wanting to convince you, you know, like the old day's, that this time change is for real...I saw lots of emotions. I saw that he can't live his life without you. Not too sure what that means. You know him did you read into the letter?

My other thought is that in AA when alcoholics become sober they learn about themselves through a 12 step program. They also learn that although they may not remember their past because they were so drunk or high, the fact is that they left a "trail of destruction" to clean up.
This means coming to terms and making amends for all the awful things they did in the past but do not remember or even do remember but the moods of the alcohol or drugs created monster behavior in them. This is a sober man's (and women's) reality. This is part of their coming out of denial and into reality.

I believe that this is where many alcoholic/drug addicts fail to stay sober because the past that they created is so devastating that they can't deal with, so they go back to the lifestyle that kept them in denial in the first place. In your WH case, it was alcohol, drugs, bars and women and who knows what else? Then history repeats itself and back on the merry go round we go again.

You said that you aren't afraid of him and that you refuse to leave your home or your lifestyle behind but you also know and must realize that this thorn will never go away because he is your children's father.
You more than likely will see him somewhere down the's, birthday's, etc. You can not sweep this under the rug.

You and your kid's are close knit and they love their father and his behavior is all they know. I would think the best thing to do is to come together with your kids, spouses, your father, (what about his parents and siblings?) and discuss the next actions. Maybe some type of intervention and let him know there are ground rules that can not ever be crossed again or there will be consequences. I think you all (and esp you) will have the answer. But this decision has to be everyone is all in on the joint decisions. This situation is dire!

One last thing, I strongly recommended AA mens groups, or there is CR, Celebrate Recovery, SA groups, counseling and whatever else. This is for your kid's father. He pretty much should be doing something 7 day's a week for a long time, and maybe continue attending the program for the rest of his life. This really should be a stipulation for him to stay out of jail.

You and your kid's attend Alanon, they will embrace you. It's one of the best things I did for myself. It's also a 12 step program. It brought me out of denial and helped me find myself.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 6:25 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

Hurtmyheart posted 9/24/2019 18:50 PM

Your WH HAS NOT hit rock bottom yet. He still thinks he can manipulate and buffalo you all into believing him and he really is better. Sorry but it takes a lot longer than 4 weeks for sobriety and healing. We're talking years here.

The reality is you and your kid's and his grandchildren are his rock bottom. At this point, he is still in denial that he has lost you. He's not there yet.

Isn't one of his charges attempted murder? Hard to believe that he is getting out soon if this is the case. He may just be hopeful.

Like I said, do an intervention. Decide on what is expected and set the ground rules. If he doesn't abide by them, he will suffer consequences.

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