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I Feel Broken

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Mynamedontfi posted 10/8/2019 07:58 AM

I feel broken. I feel like crying. I'm at work at my desk job and just sitting here tearing up. I know it is useless to ask why. I just don't understand the HOW. How could she do this to me? After all these years, after all these promises and plans for the future. After all the "I love you's" and "I can't imagine my life without you's". After picking our kids' names out and shopping around for our first home.

How could anyone so easily throw away a partner and a relationship for some random stranger that showed them attention? How could there be so many people here on SI that are broken and in even worse situations than me. I mean I got off easy and I still feel broken. I love her so much yet I hate her for doing this to me and choosing him over me.

I don't understand how people heal from this. Time people say. It's only been two months. There are poor souls on here that are 3 years in and still hurt. I don't even know how to get through the day when I know the woman I loved is out there sleeping and cuddling with her scumbag AP.

I'm sorry to complain. I know many of you would trade situations with me in a heartbeat. It's just this is a lot for me. It hurts so badly.

veryhurt2018 posted 10/8/2019 08:23 AM

Mynamedontfi, I'm so sorry that you are in this situation, but I'm glad you found SI. It sounds like your WW is still with the AP. I'm so sorry for that. There is a section in the "I can relate" forum called "When your WS leaves for the OP". That forum might help you.

I was literally DESTROYED, but I'm 17 months into this and even though I still have very painful days, it's much less than before. I try to keep extremely busy when I'm in a lot of pain and that helps me a lot. I'm in a lot of therapy and I talk a lot of it out with my therapists. Are you in IC? If not, please find one and make an appt. That helps a lot. Find a good one.

Everyone always said on here that time will heal, but I was in so much pain, that I couldn't understand that. Although I have a long way to go, time HAS done wonders. Just keep coming back and using SI to help you. I pray that your pain subsides.

EllieKMAS posted 10/8/2019 08:47 AM

I'm sorry to complain. I know many of you would trade situations with me in a heartbeat. It's just this is a lot for me. It hurts so badly.

Don't you even apologize. Everyone's situation is awful. Cheaters are awful. It all fucking sucks.

I am rolling up on a year for my DDay1 anniversary next month. I filed for divorce last month, 4 days shy of my 6th wedding anniversary. I have no idea how it happened or why. But I'm still kicking. I still have days that I exist in 10 minute increments. I have days where I am ok. I have days where I could breathe fire and burn shit to the ground. I am sure I have many more up and down days in front of me, but time and distance are working on healing me. And they will work on you too, I promise (and FWIW, I didn't believe any of that when people on here were telling me so after DDay1 either).

And truth? Part of it will always hurt a little. It's like a broken bone in your soul. It will heal but it will never quite be what it was before. And that's ok too.

Sending you hugs and good thoughts my dear. You will get through it.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 10/8/2019 08:59 AM

((( HUGS)))

Please don’t worry about writing on here. We ALL are here for you... so write as often as you want... and as much as you want .

Two months is really early... and the pain is still very RAW . Time does help. I saw where you used to go to the gym. I hope you are able to still do this. The endorphins you get from exercise will help also .

Although we are here to walk WITH you... we can’t walk the path FOR you. This is a journey we each have to make on our own. But I can promise you that you WILL get through this and you WILL come out the other side stronger ! I can tell you too that when you do...you will find you were never broken...just bent .

Hang in there Dear Sir. This too shall pass.

Mynamedontfi posted 10/8/2019 09:07 AM

Thank you so much for the support. It means more than you know.

I go to the gym after work everyday. I'm in the best physical shape of my life and the worst emotional shape of my life.

I loved her so passionately. So deeply. I just can't believe she left and refused to try and R.

I want to heal. I want to one day find the real love of my life. Someone who would never give up on me or the relationship. Someone who would always sit down and communicate and compromise with me.

I like your quote: A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other. I know I am not perfect, but I would NEVER have given up on her. It hurts that I am forced to move on with my life without her in it.

fooled13years posted 10/8/2019 09:44 AM

Mynamedontfi

I want to one day find the real love of my life. Someone who would never give up on me or the relationship. Someone who would always sit down and communicate and compromise with me.

The person you are looking for does not exist YET.

People are not born with these attributes, they are learned, developed and honed over the course of a relationship.

I know it is not easy to hear this when you are going though the valley, but when you are not looking, the person who you can work with so both of you become the person you describe above can suddenly appear.

AKABrokenArrow posted 10/8/2019 10:10 AM

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I was in a similar situation when I was in my 20s. I was dating a girl for almost 3 years, I had no doubt in my mind that we'd be together forever. My first love, and she was beautiful. Like model beautiful, and 2 years older than me too. I loved her so damn much.

Then, one day out of the blue she tells me that she wants to "take a break." I was totally blindsided. I had no idea she felt this way. There was no arguing with her however, she didn't want to discuss it. It was over and I knew it. I still had an ounce of pride left and I told her I'm not taking any break. I told her it was either all or nothing. I got nothing. I pleaded and cried to her and she called me pathetic. I'll never forget that. How could she be so cold?

Of course there was someone else, a guy at work. A real meathead. Huge arms and a tiny brain. I don't know if she actually cheated on me or if she broke up with me first, I never really considered that. I don't think she did but I never went there because I never really spoke to her again. No contact, forever. I cried to my mom like a fucking baby.

Fast forward to today, 30 years later. We have mutual FB friends and I'm friends with one of her sisters as well. I see her pop up in my feed on occasion. She's still with the dude she left me for. Let's just say the years weren't kind to her. Meanwhile, I met my wife a year later and she's still as fit and beautiful as the day we met. If I saw my ex today, I'd give her a hug and thank her. I would have never met my wife or had the incredible life I have today if my first love didn't rip my heart to shreds.

You'll see man, one day you will thank her. Hang in there, it will get better, I promise.

EllieKMAS posted 10/8/2019 10:15 AM

I just can't believe she left and refused to try and R.

I know it doesn't feel this way to you right now, but this is actually the best thing she could do for you in the long run IMHO. Mine said he wanted to work on us and then kept lying his ass off to me about how much I meant to him and how much he loved me for 9 more months, when I am pretty sure he knew from the get-go that he was done. I swear I think that fucked me up worse than the affair did - that he would've rather lied to me and kept me on the hook to do for him and pay his bills than just to man up and go his own way. And I am really pissed at myself still that I allowed that sort of shit.

Looking back with what I know NOW, I know I offered him R way too early, which I think a lot of us BS's do. Just because (I know was true in my case anyways) the only way to deal with that initial earth-shattering DDay trauma is to believe that it will somehow all be ok in the end; that there was some purpose to all this upset.

Now, at almost a year out? I know it will indeed be ok. It just won't be with him. Them's the breaks.

And also trite but true: Her shitty decision and her choice to be a broken horrible spouse says absolutely not one damn thing about YOU. Your worth is more than she will ever be.

Stumblingon posted 10/8/2019 13:08 PM

I know it is useless to ask why. I just don't understand the HOW. How could she do this to me? After all these years, after all these promises and plans for the future. After all the "I love you's" and "I can't imagine my life without you's".

So sorry you're going through this. When the one you love blindsides you and destroys everything you thought your lives were there just isn't any way to make sense of it. Take one day at a time. Stay strong.

tushnurse posted 10/8/2019 13:30 PM

IT is hard. For many of us it's the worst trauma we have ever had. PERIOD.

You feel broken because you are, she broke you. It's hard to conceptualize that the one person in the world who was supposed to have you no matter what, never really did. But. You know now, and now you have the gift and the chance to rebuild, and become a better stronger person. It will take time, for sure, but it will get easier.

Allow yourself to feel the feels, but put a limit on the time allowed to wallow in the grief, and always, no matter what do something kind for yourself after.

(((And Healing Strength))))

Odonna posted 10/8/2019 14:17 PM

I always admire men who can cry when their hearts are broken and who are not afraid to admit their pain and vulnerability. It says a lot about our cultural changes over the last two generations, but also speaks to the courage and heart of these particular men.

No matter what, keep tight that part of you that is the lens through which the pain is magnified. That same part of you is what you will need going forward to find true joy.

Booyah posted 10/8/2019 19:50 PM

You have NOTHING to apologize for.

We all get it.

Let me tell you something that I want you to truly think about.

Thank god you are who you are!!!
That you are NOT one of those individuals who can turn love on and off like a light switch.

That can be with one person one minute (spewing the words about how much you love the person you're with) and than at the drop of a hat throw it all away for someone that just crossed your path and you don't really know.

I know how much pain you're in.
My heart breaks for you.
Been there!!!

Buy my friend, this journey of life you're on is NOT a sprint.
It's a marathon and along the way you're going to go through some storms that you're going to just have to hold on and TRUST that it will pass.

And my friend it WILL pass.

When things are going great in life you're not really tested.
Where you truly grow is in times of adversity.
That's where you find out who and what you're made of.

You know where experience comes from?
Going through trials and failures.

This isn't the only trial you're going to go through.
The more you go through the stronger you get.
The wiser you get.
The more battle tested you get.

The next time a storm comes your way you'll be able to look back at the previous storms you went through and get strength from it knowing you made it through.

I know you can't see this now, but this girl was going to bring you NOTHING but heartache!!

When a storm came your way (or both of you) she would hit the eject button because she's a coward and is NOT SOMEONE you can count on when shit hits the fan.

Say you got married, had kids, and let's say your child had autism, or got really sick, or had special needs, you know what this girl would do (notice I did NOT say woman)? She would bail in a second leaving you and your child.

Why?
How?
I don't understand.
Please explain how someone could do this?

Some people are so battered inside that they don't have a soul.
Some people just don't give a shit.
Some people are just selfish and ONLY think of themselves NO MATTER WHAT THE SITUATION.

I could go on and on about the whys but my friend it's AN EXERCISE IN FUTILITY TRYING TO FIGURE THESE PEOPLE OUT!!!

Just be grateful that you are NOT like this!!!

Envision this.
One day years from now.
You're in your backyard, sitting in a chair reading a book, and the patio door flings open and your three yr old daughter comes running out and saying "daddy....daddy" and comes up and gives you a HUGE hug...,looking you STRAIGHT in the eyes, and says, "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH DADDY" and as you're hugging her and telling her how much you love her you look over and see your wife standing there smiling.

My friend keep the faith that this will happen.
I was EXACTLY where you are right now and this scenario that I just described (with your child) happened to me not once but twice.

As much pain as I was in from that woman who broke my heart I can flat out tell you with NO HESITATION at all that all of it was worth it to be where I ultimately wound up.

Just allow yourself to grieve my friend.
But like I told you in your other thread quit thinking about all of the good times with this girl.

All that's doing is going pain shopping!!

Make you a list of all the shitty things she did and all the things she said and the next time you start reminiscing about her pull that sucker out and read it and keep reading about ALL THE HORRIBLE things she did to you to remind yourself what kind of person she truly was.

Trust me by doing this you won't think fondly of her any more!!

Hang in there.
You are stronger than you think.
Yes there's so many horrible stories here on SI but get strength hearing about people who got through it.

Do things that will make you happy.
Make yourself get out there and stay busy.
Take care of yourself.
Get in the best shape of your life.

You got this!!!

Booyah posted 10/8/2019 19:50 PM

double post

[This message edited by Booyah at 8:00 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

Mynamedontfi posted 10/8/2019 20:53 PM

One day years from now.
You're in your backyard, sitting in a chair reading a book, and the patio door flings open and your three yr old daughter comes running out and saying "daddy....daddy" and comes up and gives you a HUGE hug...,looking you STRAIGHT in the eyes, and says, "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH DADDY" and as you're hugging her and telling her how much you love her you look over and see your wife standing there smiling.

God, this is the most calming thought I have envisioned since D-Day. This is what was taken from me that day. I will strive every day to heal and one day make that thought a reality. I swear I will do everything I can to be the best husband to that woman and father to that little girl one day.

I pray I meet that woman sooner than later. I know it is not a sprint but I would have loved to spend the rest of my 20's traveling the world with her. Now I will have to spend them searching for her.

Thank you for this message. Sincerely.

20yrsagoBS posted 10/8/2019 21:00 PM

Mynamedontfi.


Since you are no longer having to boost that broken person's ego, you can focus on Y O U! Become the best version of yourself, travel, go to concerts, exercise, eat great food.

Be great to yourself because YOU deserve it!


Once you've had your fill of that, you can find someone who is worthy of YOU! No more CHEATERS!

Mynamedontfi posted 10/9/2019 13:31 PM

I'm so lonely without her. I can't believe she doesn't miss cuddling before bed and waking up next to me.

I went NC and blocked her on everything weeks ago but she just made a post using our (now my) dog's account saying "happy birthday boy, I miss you". What's the point of that? Does she just want sympathy from her friends because I wouldn't let her have the dog?

I feel like she is just blinded by these "honey moon" feelings she has for this asshole. Once the butterflies wear off she has got to realize what she gave up right? I treated her so well and was going to give her the future she wanted. He can't provide for her...he doesn't even have a job. I hope she comes back to me.

RubixCubed posted 10/9/2019 16:30 PM

Mynamedontfi,

She's the broken one, not you. That's the answer to your "how" question.

Zamboni posted 10/9/2019 17:11 PM

Hey myname —

Us BSs are all in this shitstorm together. We get it.

Reread Booyah’s response a hundred times. He nailed it.

I know it feels like you can’t move on, and that the pain is just unbearable. But, it WILL get better.

Booyah posted 10/9/2019 18:09 PM

"I hope she comes back to me".

Why?

Booyah posted 10/9/2019 18:22 PM

What is your definition of love?

Than ask yourself does this girl meet any of the criteria?

Few things that should be on everyone's list:

Trustworthy

Faithful

Boundaries

Respect

Morals

Integrity

Reliable

Has your back

Honesty

Caring

Giving

Patient

Not selfish

Commitment

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