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An affair is a "real relationship"?? Vent

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HellFire posted 11/8/2019 11:49 AM

I saw this posted on here today. And I nearly chocked on my sandwich.

In what fucking way is an affair a real relationship?

How is being someone's dirty little secret, a real relationship??

There may be some affairs, in which the AP is introduced to everyone in the family, all of your friends, and your children. But most of the time, it's kept secret.

In real relationships, people socialize in public, go visit family together, during the holidays.

In real relationships, especially if you live together, you see each other at your worst. Shit stains in your underwear, and bloated and cramping during your period. One of you gets the flu? You hold back their hair as they vomit, clean the splatter off the toilet, and throw out their shitty Kleenex.

In real relationships, you deal with money problems. Family issues. Kid problems.

A real relationship does not involve lying your ass of to everyone around you.

A real relationship does not mean you fuck in the car, then go home to your spouse.

A real relationship does not mean you hide in the bathroom to take a pic of your genitals to send to either person's spouse, while your spouse is down the hall taking carr of the kids.

An affair is one big lie. You play pretend with everyone around you,including yourself and your AP. And the AP is doing the same. Both of you are feeding each other ego kibble to get what you want.

That's not a real relationship. It's a steaming pile of shit.


pearlamici posted 11/8/2019 11:58 AM

I agree. Might be the same thread but have read other wayward threads as well saying how much they miss their affair partner. I wonder why they are still attempting to stay in the marriage? How is that being honest with your spouse? I'm sure every BS here would rather know the truth and separate than live a lie or be "plan B".

EllieKMAS posted 11/8/2019 11:59 AM

This is so well said and so very true.

The best part of it is that once the sparkle wears off and it turns out that the AP is just a normal human with normal human-ness about them, I am sure that reality crashes pretty hard. I find it especially karmically delicious when a WS has blown up their life for someone that they think farts rainbows and it turns out (surprise!) that AP's farts are full of shit just like everyone else's. AP is no more special than anyone else, and considerably worse than most.

I would add that real relationships aren't afraid of the light of day.

sickofsurviving posted 11/8/2019 12:01 PM

But it's ok, because even though it was a real relationship, and they are so in love with the AP, they are willing to sob in secret with longing for their AP, we should be ever so grateful they stayed with us.

Why? Why don't they just fucking leave? How dare they feel all fucking sorry for themselves because they miss their AP.

Then in a few weeks, they are all of the sudden so very sorry. They "always" loved their poor betrayed.
Such good little cheaters now.

Obviously that post hit a nerve with me. How can we stay with people that did this?

Evertrying posted 11/8/2019 12:04 PM

have read other wayward threads as well saying how much they miss their affair partner

That's just it. They really don't miss their AP, they miss the ass-kissing ego kibbles - Not the AP.

It's not a real relationship and though deep down most WW's know this, in order to justify their shitty choices they tell themselves it is a real relationship otherwise they would have to face the true fact they are fucking douche bags. Because why would a normal, healthy person risk everything for a big fucking ZERO? A "relationship" that isn't real?

Chaos posted 11/8/2019 12:04 PM

As much as any relationship can be "real" in FANTASY land.

Walloped posted 11/8/2019 12:08 PM

It's not a real relationship and though deep down most WW's know this, in order to justify their shitty choices they tell themselves it is a real relationship otherwise they would have to face the true fact they are fucking douche bags. Because why would a normal, healthy person risk everything for a big fucking ZERO? A "relationship" that isn't real?
TRUTH (Not the way I would have said it, but that doesnít mean itís not spot on)

A real relationship is based on reality.

Evertrying posted 11/8/2019 12:12 PM

How can we stay with people that did this?

While it's a different answer for everyone, I can say for me, it's because mine wasn't/isn't a serial cheater and up until this happened, he was a good and decent man. There were many times he should have left me for not being a good, supportive wife but he didn't. He stayed by my side and never waivered. The man went through hell and back for me.
I do NOT take ANY responsibility for his HUGE fuck up, that's all on him, but I stay because we deserve a second chance to make it right. Not his Affair, our marriage. If it doesn't work out, ok. At least we gave each other the chance. I think a 25 yr true relationship is due that opportunity.

[This message edited by Evertrying at 12:14 PM, November 8th (Friday)]

Rustylife posted 11/8/2019 12:15 PM

My ex-wife and her AP are engaged to be married. They've been together for 3.5 years now. They go to the same places we used to go. It's all out in the open. They are welcomed between friends and family with open arms. I'm sure they deal with everyday problems as well as they can manage.

It's as real a relationship as mine with her was.

Evermore posted 11/8/2019 12:19 PM

I think my WSs A was a relationship. They shared a lot as painful as it is for me to admit. Met needs for each other that were missing in their lives. He was functionally her boyfriend. His AP did not know, so maybe that taints my feelings. She was acting with positive intent. She is a good person who was horrified.

It depends on how you define relationship. I have had many over my life and not all involved caring for each other while sick or sharing finances.

At least for myself calling it a relationship doesnít hurt me or lessen what my WS and I had. It if just a word I am not going to let cause me pain.

humantrampoline posted 11/8/2019 12:21 PM

"When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail." - A quote I like, not sure of the author.

The waywards who cling to the "real relationship, better partner, blah, blah" theme are all in pretty shitty marriages. I'm not sure they would know a real relationship. That's sad. I have pity for someone who's never known true love.

Why don't they leave? Perpetually being a victI'm and blaming outside factors is easier.

UPDATE: I'm sorry. After reading some of the responses, I realize my post was harsher then intended or not explained enough. I'm not changing it but elaborating.

I don't mean to say that the BS did not give the WS love. I meant the WS just doesn't recognize healthy love and relationships. My own WH told his AP that he couldn't lose her friendship. It's not true friendship though. A WS sometimes doesn't know or recognize true and healthy friendship or a real relationship. That's not the fault of a BS, and they often can't make their WS see that. My WS recognizes that now, but he certainly didn't back then.

In 8th or 9th grade, we studied Romeo and Juliet. They taught us the literary theme of strongest love is unrequited love. It never has to be tested. It's always there in perfect form with all its potential. That's something a 13 or 14 year old can even understand.

Another thing that's always bothered me here. -- Are there really BS, or any spouses, cleaning shot stains from their partners underwear? I mean, that's way above my pay grade.

[This message edited by humantrampoline at 1:09 PM, November 8th (Friday)]

HellFire posted 11/8/2019 12:25 PM

Rustylife, as disgusting as that is, that wasn't what I was referring to.

Im talking about waywards who claim an affair is a real relationship.

That your ex went on to have a real relationship, doesn't legitimize the time the affair was going on, as a real relationship.

HellFire posted 11/8/2019 12:28 PM

I've been married for 20 years. I am mostly a SAHM, but I also work with rape and abuse victims.

I do the laundry. And, yes, occasionally that includes shit stains. It's not pretty. But it's real life. Which was my point. Marriage is a real relationship, with real shit happening. Pun,um, not intended...maybe..lol..

humantrampoline posted 11/8/2019 13:16 PM

Hellfire,

OK on the shit. I'll clean my child's, my cats', and my dog's shit and shit stains. My husband can clean his own. Maybe I'm not the best wife. I would clean it if he couldn't, but he can.

This is a weird topic, but I'm fascinated. If roles were reversed, would you put shifty underwear in the laundry expecting him to scrub the stains? I can't picture myself being comfortable with that.

I don't think I'm prudish. I had no problems with my mother's bedpans and linens when she was in that part of her life. I might have some hang up here.

[This message edited by humantrampoline at 1:28 PM, November 8th (Friday)]

Zugzwang posted 11/8/2019 13:34 PM

There is nothing real about it. Period.

HeartBreaker11 posted 11/8/2019 13:58 PM

OK on the shit. I'll clean my child's, my cats', and my dog's shit and shit stains. My husband can clean his own. Maybe I'm not the best wife. I would clean it if he couldn't, but he can.

This is a weird topic, but I'm fascinated. If roles were reversed, would you put shifty underwear in the laundry expecting him to scrub the stains? I can't picture myself being comfortable with that.

I don't think I'm prudish. I had no problems with my mother's bedpans and linens when she was in that part of her life. I might have some hang up here.

Same.
I did my daughter's laundry and mine. My husband did his own.
We literally had separate laundry baskets. I thought that was a normal thing.

One of you gets the flu? You hold back their hair as they vomit, clean the splatter off the toilet, and throw out their shitty Kleenex.

Again nope.

I was married for 6 years and never once did I have my husband in the restroom with me. ESPECIALLY not when I was sick.
I may have asked him to get my an ibuprofen from the cabinet or make me some tea when I was sick, but I never had him throw out my snotty kleenex.
Definitely when one of us was sick, the other slept in the guest room and gave each other space/privacy. Maybe it's just my hang up, but I would totally freak out if someone, anyone, was all up in my business while I was sick.

I get the overall point though.
Affairs are not real. They are based on lies and fantasies.

HellFire posted 11/8/2019 14:08 PM

Well. I do his laundry. He works outside of the house 60 hours a week, and I'm mainly a SAHM. So I don't mind doing his laundry. The shit stains, I could do without.I don't know if that makes me a good wife, or a doormat.

And,yeah. 20 years together, we have seen each other at our worst.

The point was that we see the ugly in a marriage. The real. An affair is all unicorn and rainbow farts. Both people involved are putting on an act to impress. That's not real.

Oh..and the feelings may be real. But they are based on an image that is not real. So. Glad we cleared that up.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:09 PM, November 8th (Friday)]

pearlamici posted 11/8/2019 14:19 PM

In my WH's case he admitted the affair was not real. He never saw COW without makeup - even when they stayed over night together - she laid there like a corpse so as not to mess her hair/makeup. Unreal. Lol

Evertrying posted 11/8/2019 14:20 PM

We do everything for each other. Yes he has held my hair when I puked and I have seen him almost bleed out from a colonoscopy. (Sorry for the TMI)

I know every gross and disgusting thing about him and he knows mine.

Zugzwang posted 11/8/2019 14:25 PM

It is like being on a first date, day after day after day. Just the fun stuff. Usually built off of or taking advantage of the person at home doing the dirty stuff so we can play. WE reap the benefits of their spouses hard work. Yeah, really real there. Lets follow that with all the Nicholas Sparks bullshit romantic lines of soul mates, and star-crossed lovers too. We all aspire to have soul mates that sit in shit and allow us to deceive, manipulate, and be cruel to other people without holding us accountable to be better. That would be my soul mate for sure. A WS is trying to love themselves so much and find validation so badly that when they see a mirror image of themselves in another they finally think, yeah- I am validated afterall here is someone here with me in my shit. They aren't that bad, so I can't be that bad either. Justification is all. Gaslighting ourselves.

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