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An affair is a "real relationship"?? Vent

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ryno posted 11/12/2019 12:35 PM

They're a foundation of lies built on mistrust.

23 years ago my former wife's AP was put out when he realised my house was about to be sold. He had a plan to live in my home with my wife (he had proposed to her)!

I returned home for the first time in months to pick up personal items, My wife was home and one thing lead to another. AP discovered the "other" and was outraged that he had been cheated upon The irony was beautiful.

Finally, I was back home a couple of weeks later and AP rang on the landline. I answered and being a helpful soul, I did my best to assist when he demanded to know what I was doing in the house! I replied the same damn thing I was doing last time I was home.

The "relationship" ended shortly after that due to trust issue,

Lostheart8 posted 11/12/2019 16:43 PM

Buzzy....please take your story somewhere else. I read your thread. Horrible. As BGF, I find your comments triggering and toxic.

SI Staff posted 11/12/2019 16:53 PM

This is a reminder that this is a VENT thread.

WS members are NOT allowed to post on vent threads.

Skoochnski posted 11/16/2019 04:21 AM

Since D Day my WH has been doing my laundry because Iím having trouble functioning.😞
My depression is all consuming. I donít even bathe; he does it for me like Iím a child.So I imagine my underwear has been pretty funky at times. 🤔

Iím working with a therapist hoping to get my depression/ suicidal thoughts in check.

Laundry isnít my priority.

Brennan87 posted 11/16/2019 07:15 AM

Interestingly, before the end of our relationship we did try and make some new happy memories. When she would slide back into her old ways and I brought them up, she'd reveal to me that "I didn't really enjoy it/myself".
One of her biggest complaints is we didn't do enough or enough enjoyable things together. Maybe she would've enjoyed herself more if it wasn't for all her duplicity.

Shattered I think that's the point. While my marriage was a shit show several years before and during the affair. All the good, bad and ugly were still real to me. The hurt I felt when she was passive aggressive, the joy I felt when we stood side by side watching our eldest graduate from college, etc. For me, the memories during the affair are real because they happened, I was in the moment and had no idea the affair was going on. Reflecting back, I can see the signs. My wife spent months picking at her lip and it got so bad, I ended up continually having to say, over and over again. Stop it, stop it, stop it. I think this was the guilt manifesting. So how could she go to falling water for the weekend and genuinely enjoy her time. Knowing at any time the AP could text her and I could grab her phone. Unless they are a sociopath, I don't think they can truly compartmentalize the fear of getting caught. So while Fallingwater weekend was full of laughter and fun for me. It has a pale cloud over it for her, even though in her mind she tired to "stop" the affair during family time and didn't engage with him. she now looks at the funny picture we took, which brought me so much laughter and it's filled with guilt and shame for her. I still laugh about the picture. So of course they aren't truly enjoying those moments, as they can't be completely in the moment, due to their lies and deceit.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/16/2019 21:26 PM

Buzzy....please take your story somewhere else. I read your thread. Horrible. As BGF, I find your comments triggering and toxic.


hopefullife posted 11/17/2019 06:59 AM

This whole subject is kind of interesting. I'm not sure that I perceive my marriage as a "real relationship" due to the lying that was going on.

Mine had his A very early in the marriage and still continues to this day so my whole M was a sham. I guess I was only real on paper. Sucks so bad.

Rideitout posted 11/17/2019 07:51 AM

A relationship with a prostitute is "real relationship" too then, right?

I guess, yes, they are both "relationships", just not in the sense that most of us are thinking. A relationship is just some interaction between 2 people, so yes, an A meets that criteria. But, if you mean, as I think you do, relationship to mean something that's "going somewhere", heading to marriage, children, a happy life together? Well in that case, assigning "relationship" to the AP is about as sensible as assigning it to a professional sex worker. As in, not sensible at all, and other than sex and empty words, not exhibiting any of the characteristics of what most of us would consider a "relationship".

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/17/2019 15:25 PM

I haven't read this whole thread. I did read part of the thread that this came from. All I have to say is that the statement is trash. It's not worth any attention or merit. Don't waste your energy getting worked up over some that CP said.

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