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Skoochnski posted 11/20/2019 09:11 AM

I made a list of things that I need my WH to do to help me heal with the guidance from SI posts. He said that I’m trying to “humiliate” him.

Like I wasn’t humiliated when he told me that he was trying to f*ck his 24 year old co-worker (he’s her supervisor) or that he did-in fact- f*ck his co-worker in 2005 WHILE ON THE CLOCK and then lied about it for 14 years.

I asked him to do was a “no contact” video (not sure letters would arrive) for each girl involved.

I also asked him to post something-ANYTHING- regarding how much he loves me on his social media so that any girl looking him up will see that he does have a wife and he loves her. I have read so many posts about AP’s who were told that the WH was separated from BW. I need this insurance policy.

I asked him to join SI and introduce himself as my WH and own his A’s.

I asked him to stop lying.

I asked him to be the one to recover his deleted messages. Yes, I can do it myself but it means more if he hands over the secrets willingly.

I asked him to ask me if I have any questions. Don’t wait for me to drag information out of him.

And I asked for him to continue to be honest and open with me such as keeping his phone available to me for inspections.

He keeps TT’ing - the last one yesterday was the fact that he didn’t tell me that the 24 year old co-worker he was trying to f*ck sent her pics of her “V.” and last night I sent him my list. He didn’t even respond. No “If this is what you need I’ll make it happen so you can heal.” Not even a “K.” No acknowledgment.

I am bi-polar and suicidal af right now. I am in IC. I have an appointment tomorrow.
We live near a bridge. I went there last night to jump and decided not to because today is the anniversary of his mother’s death - my daughters grandmother. I didn’t want her to have two deaths on that day.

I told him when he got home and HE MADE FUN OF ME. He asked me, with a smirk, “Why didn’t you jump?”

He told me that my list pissed him off and if I want the information I can get it myself and stop trying to humiliate him.
Who did I marry!??

36yearsgone posted 11/20/2019 09:27 AM

You married a complete selfish, asshole.

Yes, he humiliated you. If he had any self respect he would realize that he also humiliated himself.

You are deserving of all the things you are asking. If he can invest any treasure in you then it might be time for you to turn his sorry ass on his head. Do the 180.

Chaos posted 11/20/2019 09:32 AM

HE MADE FUN OF ME. He asked me, with a smirk, “Why didn’t you jump?”

Keep your IC appointment. Then go make one with an attorney.

EllieKMAS posted 11/20/2019 09:32 AM

Skooch I am so very sorry you are in such a tough spot right now. PLEASE call the suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255 if you need to. There is no shame in reaching out and getting help. Your wh is NOT worth your precious life.

As far as your wh goes. He is not remorseful in the slightest if these are the types of things he is saying to you. Especially if he has zero concern about your mental health. That is toxic to the extreme. My advice to you would be to 180 immediately. Or go stay with a friend or family member to give you some space. It is really hard to think clearly when you're still in fight/flight mode. If he isn't remorseful, sadly there isn't much point to having any further discussions with him IMHO. All that will do is validate his shittiness and frustrate you.

Please take care of yourself. You are valued and loved and worth so much more.

ETA: Please PLEASE tell your IC about your suicidal ideations too. Don't hide those from a source of help. I know how weak it makes you feel inside with all this - I know I was damn near there myself more than once. Let IC know so you have IRL help for yourself.

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 9:34 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/20/2019 09:39 AM

I told him when he got home and HE MADE FUN OF ME. He asked me, with a smirk, “Why didn’t you jump?”

This says it all. What Ellie said. This asshat is not worth your life, or your daughter's.

I also agree with Chais. Keep that IC appointment and make one with a lawyer. It's time for you to take back your worth and get rid of this albatross.

fareast posted 11/20/2019 11:29 AM

Sorry skoochnski, you M a cruel, abusive person. I almost said man, but actually he is not much of one, now is he? Take care of you. Get away from this idiot. Contact a suicide prevention hotline if you need them. But give yourself a hug, see your IC, and see an attorney pronto, and start the D process. You will get away from this ugly situation to a better place. Good luck.

WhoTheBleep posted 11/20/2019 12:31 PM

You must physically separate from him immediately. IMMEDIATELY!!!

You are in a vulnerable emotional state, and his abuse (yes, he is ABUSING you) could LITERALLY push you over the edge.

Call the hotline above. TODAY.

Get away from your a****** husband today. No contact. No contact. No contact. Communicate through email only. See an attorney and get a parenting agreement in writing immediately.

Surround yourself with friends and family who love you. Soon their voices will be the only ones you hear, and you will recognize his toxic abuse for what it is.

Keep posting here. We are here for you. You WILL survive this. You will.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 12:31 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

crazyblindsided posted 11/20/2019 12:37 PM

(((Skoochnski)))

Fuck.This.Guy seriously. What an egotistical POS. Probably NPD, he certainly sounds this way with his sinister smirking. My STBX asshole does similar. He thinks this shit is really funny

I think you should show him you are not bluffing about kicking his ass out. If he thinks it's funny that you are in so much pain you almost jumped off a bridge, show him the door!

Get yourself an IC and please reach out to a suicide hotline if you ever feel this way again. These assholes are not worth the loss of ourselves or our lives.

Please please start getting your support system in order. Start the 180 when you feel strong enough to do it and begin detaching.

Look up NPD characteristics as well, it may be an eye-opener for you. Hugs my dear!

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 12:38 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

MamaDragon posted 11/20/2019 12:39 PM

First, do not allow a temporary situation that hurts be resolved by a permanent decision. Please contact your IC, Clergy man or someone you trust and talk to them.

Please go see a lawyer, you deserve so much more and it is obvious he doesn't respect you at all.

Tell HIS supervisor of what is going on with the 24 year old.

Loukas posted 11/20/2019 13:53 PM

I'm really sorry you are facing these challenges, Skoochnski. I too have battled suicide and know the struggle all too well. Below is a blog post from a counselor in my area. It has brought me to tears many times over. Still did even as I was formatting for SI. It has brought me a lot of peace over the years. I hope by sharing it with you, it might do the same for you.

A letter to the man on the bridge

Dear Man on the Bridge,

It was a beautiful sunset over the river on Friday night, wasn’t it? You and I–we were both admiring it…a beautiful summer evening in September. It was warmer than we’d expect in September in the evening…a truly lovely night to be out.

I was out for an evening walk…with a flimsy excuse of an errand to walk for a couple of miles at sunset on a gorgeous evening.

I’m not sure why you were out at sunset.

I’ll never know.

I have to say that while we were both looking at the same sunset, we may have had very different perspectives. I’ll never know tho…and for that I want to apologize.

You see, it bothered me that you were sitting on the train bridge. Folks aren’t really allowed on the train bridge…but I’ve often see boys fancy themselves daredevils, running up and down the train side of the bridge. The fact that you were there, at all, wasn’t what bothered me.

However, I’ve never seen folks sit so quietly and still on the side with their feet hanging over the side, looking like it would be so easy just to slide into a free fall into the water.

That was different.

And maybe dangerous.

Maybe you were just enjoying the view of the sun setting over the river.

But maybe you were wondering if life was worth living.

Sometimes, when people are feeling lonely and desolate, they go to a desperate place. I’ll never know…and I hang my head at that.

Cuz you see…I talk for a living. I ask people how they are doing as a lifestyle. All the time. And I encourage people to be brave and do hard things…and I blog about the power of the ask, and tell folks I’m learning to ask more, and recognize the courage that it takes to ask, but how it’s worth it.

I even had this silly experience last week that I was proud of…Sam, the guy ahead of me at Starbucks ordered a caramel macchiato. The finished drink was just sitting on the counter, waiting for Sam, with him engrossed in the conversation at a nearby table. And I, after a flippin’ two minute internal wrestle, leaned over and said, “You’re Sam? Your drink is ready.” And of course he said thank you, and went to go get his drink, and it was no big deal. But it felt like a huge act of courage to call out to Sam, when I just wanted to quietly stand there and wait for my latte and not call attention to myself. I was kinda pleased at myself on that one.

But…gulp.

Because you see sir, I’m pretty good at asking people all sorts of questions on my turf…in my office, or in my home. I do it for a living, and I like doing it, and it’s rich, and others find it valuable to be asked questions by me. But when push comes to shove, I’m actually pretty shy.

Stick me on a bridge with a total stranger at dusk…and my courage evaporates.

Like. it. was. never. there.

I feel a little sick about that…because if there’s one thing I can do well, is ask people how they are doing…and yet I was speechless.

I’m not proud of that.

And so, man on the bridge…you mighta needed a stranger to ask you how you were doing. You might have needed someone to be courageous and go outside of her bubble to show you that she noticed you and hoped you were OK.

She did care…she was concerned about you. She hoped you were OK.

But she was too scared to ask you if you were OK.

And you will never know.

And that’s not OK.

I want you to know I wrestled with myself as I slowly walked by. Trying to tell myself that most likely you would just say hi back, and tell me you were enjoying the setting of the sun. Trying to talk myself into simply asking you a brief question…a small thing with love that likely would have meant nothing…or maybe, just maybe, woulda meant everything.

What was the worst that would happen? You mighta just thought this crazy lady was rudely interrupting your quiet reverie, because she was a busybody.

Would that have been so bad?

I acted like it was. And I’m sorry.

And so, man-on-the bridge, I’ve been thinking about you for days. Hoping that if you were contemplating if life was worth living, that someone acted on their courage and let you know that they noticed you, and that you mattered.

Because you do matter.

You mattered to me…and I’ve thought of you often since Friday, and prayed for you…and soooo wished I had let you know. If you are struggling, I woulda happily stopped to chat, and show you that a total stranger cared about you. We mighta just shared a few moments of conversation, or chuckled at the graffiti on the bridge, or somehow just had a few minutes of genuine connection.

Sir, September 10 is the World Wide Suicide Prevention Day. What would happen if folks like me acted on their courage when they saw quiet, contemplative, withdrawn folks like you, and on the off chance that they feel like life isn’t worth it, bravely asked, “How are you doing?”

Sometimes, we might get rebuffed. (I would have to remember that this is hardly fatal, even though I act as if it might be.) Sometimes it might lead to a brief conversation with a stranger, and sometimes, on very special occasions, it might convince a person that someone cares.

And when someone cares, it can make life worth living.

So, man-on-the-bridge, like I said, I’m sorry.
I’m gonna try to do better.

Just know that sometimes, people don’t say something out of their own stuff, and you deserve better. And maybe, just maybe, someone will read this, and be braver than I was, and let you know how much you really do matter to them.
With very warm well wishes,

Carolyn Bergen

[This message edited by Loukas at 1:54 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

EllieKMAS posted 11/20/2019 14:04 PM

Wow Loukas - that is a really powerful article. Thank you - I have saved it.

Skooch how are you doin? Please keep posting - you do have a lot of concerned SI people thinking about you...

The1stWife posted 11/20/2019 14:10 PM

He asked me, with a smirk, “Why didn’t you jump?”

This would be the last conversation I ever had with him. All future conversations would be via attorneys.

SlapNutsABingo posted 11/20/2019 14:26 PM

You married what we like to refer here in WI as a "Softball Guy" Yours, is a classic type, I know, I've dropped a few of their drunk asses when they got out of hand at beer gardens in many a small town fair or festival.

The only thing they respond to is fear and power. They love to project it onto the ones they control like you, and they run and cower from it when it comes from a dude like me. That is why you need to lawyer up and tear his world apart. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE! Not in a "Softball Guys" persona. He will how ever respond to a D being served. Probably cry....

Now to the bridge jumping....WTF! it's you and your daughter now and she needs you more than ever! You are a fantastic, loving mom that is her whole world. Don't burn that world down. Get to a lawyer and end this madness and began the healing.

[This message edited by SlapNutsABingo at 2:27 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

sewardak posted 11/20/2019 14:42 PM

He asked me, with a smirk, “Why didn’t you jump?”
This would be the last conversation I ever had with him. All future conversations would be via attorneys.

yep, done.

Dorothy123 posted 11/20/2019 15:02 PM

Please get help for your suicidal ideation.

Sending much love your way.

Many hugs.

CatsNTats posted 11/20/2019 15:08 PM

I told him when he got home and HE MADE FUN OF ME. He asked me, with a smirk, “Why didn’t you jump?”

He told me that my list pissed him off and if I want the information I can get it myself and stop trying to humiliate him.
Who did I marry!??

A monster.

File for D. Save yourself from that D (Dick).

Not willing to do the work = not R material.

Skoochnski posted 11/20/2019 21:15 PM

@Loukas that was beautiful. Three people passed me on that train bridge last night at 12:30am. No one stopped and I understood why. I was a lone female out on a train bridge at 12:30am. They probably didn’t want to be accused of sexual harassment. They did acknowledge my existence with a nod, though. So That was appreciated.

I liked your article though. Thank you. ❤️

Loukas posted 11/20/2019 22:42 PM

(((Skoochnski)))

hcsv posted 11/21/2019 14:26 PM

Sent you a PM.

Skoochnski posted 11/21/2019 23:53 PM

**UPDATE

WH apologized and told me that he was not making fun of me he genuinely wanted to know what kept me from jumping. He also said that he is glad that I did not jump because he would miss me and he does not want to live without me because he loves me.

He agreed to my list of demands and made a video to send to the AP. He did about 30 takes and checked with me each time to see if I thought it was thorough enough and said everything that needed to be said.

In the video he told AP that he originally came to her for advice on his marriage because she was older and he assumed she would have more experience and insight. He said she twisted his words and made him believe that he no longer wanted to be in a marriage for the sole purpose of having an affair with him. He admitted that it was 100% his choice to stick his d*ck in her and he regrets that he did so. He told her that he never loved her. There was never anything between the two of them. She was just a “...hole to fill.” He told her that what they did to me was inexcusable and I did not deserve it and he is sorry he ever met her.

He sent a video to her via Facebook messenger and we know she saw it because she has now blocked him. I’m sure it was a shock to her because she has not heard from him in 14 years.

He has also joined surviving infidelity. I’ll let him introduce himself.

He also took me to my individual counseling appointment today.

He has an appointment for independent counseling on December 4. It is a two hour long session.

He agreed to MC.

He also agreed to surrender his phone and have all deleted items restored for review.

He has made two posts on Facebook about loving me.

I am cautiously optimistic. My marriage is the single most important thing to me. It is encouraging that I won’t be the only one working on it.

Thank you all for your replies.

[This message edited by Skoochnski at 11:54 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]