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Walloped posted 12/1/2019 08:44 AM

take what you need and leave the rest.

Agree, still-living. I also viewed it similarly. While the various voices and opinions can be very beneficial to a new BS, and if they are in the right frame of mind I think it’s a good idea to take all of those views into account, sometimes they just aren’t ready for it. And of course, sometimes those voices just spew things that are crap.

I was told to DNA my kids. What? Cmon. Did I need to seriously consider that sage advice? No. And for someone new, in my situation, it was a moronic comment. Hence, leave the rest. They were other things that I was just not prepared to do at that stage. Later, maybe. But not then. Not everything will work for everyone and there is no concrete manual. So I look at that advice as a way to say, consider everything but use what works for you.

sisoon posted 12/1/2019 11:37 AM

"Take what you can comprehend at the moment and leave the rest."
If you're suggesting that as a substitute, I think it's a good one.

Thumos posted 12/1/2019 11:39 AM

"Take what you can comprehend at the moment and leave the rest."

I like it

Bigger posted 12/3/2019 18:48 PM

Oh! The fog exists.
It’s tough to measure or quantify because its main content is the most common element available to humankind: Stupidity. If you can measure stupid you can measure fog.
One of the key elements in dealing with infidelity is making the affair real. Few things expose stupidity as quickly and as well as reality. Ergo: Few things dispose of the fog faster than reality. Sort of like the boy in the fairy-tale about the Emperors New Clothes. The Emperor and the onlookers realized he was naked when the boy dispelled the fog with the truth.

I have shared this story so often here on SI: As a rookie cop my mentor took me aside one day and pointed out that no matter what had taken place the person we were dealing with would in 99/100 instances justify his actions: The drunk driver would tell us it was only one beer, or he had the flu. The speeder tell us he was only following the flow of traffic or that he had such an important meeting to get to. The rapist insisting that she wanted it rough. The dealer tell us he only sold to those that wanted drugs. Heck… I even heard a pedophile insist no kid was harmed.

We do this ourselves. We justify our actions using things that don’t stand to scrutiny. Like when we have that cake telling ourselves we will jog it off later on today. Of if we get a 20 instead of a 10 in change: we tell ourselves that the Big Company can afford to lose some money.

In infidelity we see the WS tell the BS that they HAD to have the affair because the BS didn’t appreciate them, didn’t talk to them and so on. THAT is fog.

The often-heard reasoning that it was only sex and therefore it isn’t really cheating. The WS even believes this is at least a mitigating factor and therefore the BS shouldn’t be as hurt.
Or the “it was only once”. As if the quantity was the real issue.
Or “it wasn’t sex. Only oral”.
Or the fantasy that the AP is “true love” and that in another life they could spend eternity together riding unicorns into the sunset but alas reality demands they sacrifice personal happiness to remain with the witch/ogre for the kids…
Or the fantasy that divorce will be easy and that while it’s going on the wife will still iron his shirts, cook his meals and tend to the kids 24/7.
Or the fantasy that OM will dump his wife and come over on the red Corvette and set up house with the WW.
Or the fantasy that the BW doesn’t have any financial say because the BH is the breadwinner.
Or the fantasy that the BH will leave the house to the WW and only take the plastic camping-cutlery and live in a studio-apartment for eternity, supporting his former wife.
Or the fantasy that everyone will be friends and the divorce will be so civilized and friendly that everyone will meet up for Sunday breakfast for years to come.

It goes on…

So… When a BS discovers an affair the absolutely BEST thing they do is expose. They make it real. It’s like a strong beam of light that cuts the fog.
“Honey – You are having an affair with [Place name of OP here]. I don’t care WHY at the moment, but I refuse to participate in infidelity”

“My spouse is having an affair with OP. I refuse to share my spouse. I would appreciate any input you can have to help my spouse make the correct decision.”

“No. I won’t accept your path to divorce. I am too emotionally attached to this marriage to ensure I make the right decision. There are laws and procedures that ensure a fair settlement and I have asked Mr. Dober Man – my attorney – to ensure the process is fair.”

“No. We don’t need to be friends. Look around. We know people that are divorced. Does our neighbor Mr. Jones hang around with his ex-wife? Would the present Mrs. Jones be happy with that? If we do this correctly we will be good co-parents, but we won’t be friends”.

Finally: There is also BS fog. That’s what we are fighting daily here on this site. That’s where the BS posting thinks HIS/HER situation is so unique that general experience doesn’t apply. That where they think they can nice the WS back. That’s where… they think they can cherry-pick the advice offered and leave the rest…

WornDown posted 12/4/2019 08:28 AM

The "fog" is just short hand for the behaviors that the WS sometimes exhibits, right after getting busted.

It's part of their denial of what they did/are doing.

Although the denial is felt by the BS, the real denial the WS is doing is to themselves.

They don't want to think they are a "terrible person," and only a terrible person would do such a thing to their spouse, right? So they make up a bunch of justifications to rationalize why their behavior is "appropriate" for their situation - the BS is abusive, the BS is distant, the BS has a lower sex drive, the AP and the WS were "meant to be," etc., etc.

The psychological term is cognitive dissonance.

From Psychology Today:

What Is Cognitive Dissonance?
When someone tells a lie and feels uncomfortable about it because she sees herself as an honest person, she has likely experienced cognitive dissonance. It occurs when one's ideas, beliefs, or behaviors contradict each other.

The theory of cognitive dissonance helps explain why people sometimes go to great lengths to account for thoughts, words, and behaviors that seem to clash—when one learns new information that challenges a deeply held belief, for example, or acts in a way that seems to undercut one's self-image.

By bringing attention to the inconsistencies in our minds, cognitive dissonance can be an opportunity for growth. Exactly how we choose to resolve the dissonance and the feelings of discomfort can be a reflection of our mental health.

sisoon posted 12/4/2019 10:40 AM


I drive the speed limit in most cases. On highways, I rarely have to slow down if I'm at the speed limit, since most people just pass me. But I've driven that way for only about 10 years. Before that, I was always prepared to say, 'But officer, I was only going with the traffic flow.'

I'm puzzled by your advice to expose, and I've started a thread on the topic. I hope you'll comment there.

** vent **

I gotta say: Man, I drive in the Chicago area, and I've been driving NYC-RI this past week. The speed limit trick works fine on I-80 in Indiana, Ohio, and PA. It just doesn't work in NY-Conn-RI-MA, because traffic flow is highly, highly irregular because of congestion and because of narcissistic driving. It doesn't work in the Chicago area because 80% of drivers go at 15-20 mph above the limit.

5.5 hours from GW Bridge to T. F. Green airport in Warwick, RI on 11/26. 6.5 hours Providence to GW Bridge on 11/30. 170 miles. On an interstate highway.


** end vent **

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