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steadychevy posted 12/12/2019 06:25 AM

He deserves to know. He deserves to know what is going on in his life. He may be suspicious or know something is wrong but not quite sure what. I wish someone, anyone, had told me.

There is also the issue of health. There are people on SI who've contacted STDs from their wayward and didn't know it. It had long term and dangerous consequences.

Don't put yourself in a position of doing something illegal. I know the desire is there but you don't want charges brought against you as another trauma on top of the trauma already suffering.

When you inform the OBS let him know you have the visual evidence and it is graphic and would be very painful for him. Let him decide if he wants a copy. I know I would but it's a personal decision. Do not let your WH know you are going to do this.

cancuncrushed posted 12/12/2019 07:37 AM

He deserves to know. Itís not just cheating. It affects health finances children family etc. he should have the same chance

You canít control his life by keeping the secret. Because the cheating still happened. And will continue. It wasnít your choice to have this cheating. Itís not your choice to control who and how someone involved , knows. You are equal.

Any spouse has rights.

When you help hide it. Your an accessory. Your protecting cheaters.

It is interesting when Bs are afraid their Ws will be very angry about exposing. How can exposing be any worse then the act?

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 7:40 AM, December 12th (Thursday)]

Chaos posted 12/12/2019 07:48 AM

Inform. And don't give any notice.

Biggest mistake I made was not informing OBS which only lead to things going underground [I did tell on DDay3]

Let him know what you have - he'll let you know what to send.

Then - treat yourself well.

sisoon posted 12/12/2019 10:19 AM

And don't worry about being angry right now.

I know it's hard to tell OBS about the A without feeling at least a little vengeful. But telling OBS is a compassionate act, too. OBS deserves to know the truth, and OBS deserves to know that STI testing is likely to be appropriate.

Reece posted 12/12/2019 10:24 AM

I agree with the advice that you should inform the other BS but dont send the videos unless they are requested. Speaking from personal experience I know how much damage watching your wife's xxx affair videos can be.

Lemondrop10 posted 12/12/2019 11:29 AM

I found out about one of my XH's affairs through the OBS. I appreciate that I was informed, but he absolutely traumatized me by how he went about it.

I came home from grocery shopping to find a bright orange spray painted message across my garage doors that said "Mr Lemondrop, stay away from my wife". His intent may have been to humiliate my XH, but he humiliated me as well and made a very private, painful issue very public. He did not give me any choice in this. He also dropped off a copy of their chat logs where I worked with a receptionist for me which started the gossip at work.

I agree with everyone else to let him decide if he wants to see the photos and details. I would definitely tell him though in the most humanely possible way. He deserves to know.

PieceByPeace posted 12/12/2019 12:09 PM

First off...I'm so very sorry for what you are going through right now and the position you have been put in by having to make the choice to tell her husband or not. The betrayal itself is bad enough but all the consequences that come with it just plain suck and cause that overwhelming sense of anger.

I understand you wanting to blast it all over social media, but I would strongly caution you not to do this. It will only hurt you more and expose you and your family to more hurt (people will judge all of you) and you have enough on your plate already.

With that being said, you could tell the AP that you are giving her an opportunity to tell her husband herself and if she does not then you will let him know what's going on. If she agrees then make sure you find out 100% that she has done it. Then send him a message just saying how very sorry you are for all of you and if he has any questions you are available. At that point do not get into any details. Only give details if he asks for them. If you find out she has not told him (give her a deadline) then you could at that point tell him yourself but be gentle and I wouldn't give a lot of details. Keep it simple but make it known you are available if he has questions but he should talk to her first. I would also make sure your husband knows your plan...regardless if he agrees or not. Most likely he will not agree with it, but again...these are trickle effects of the consequences of affairs. There's no easy way to deal with...there's always hurt involved.

I'm praying for your anger to subside, that you will deal with it in a healthy and productive way and for clarity of mind as you move forward and decide what to do. God bless you.

Skoochnski posted 12/13/2019 05:17 AM

Start your letter/text/ e-mail (whatever form of correspondence youíll be using) to the OBS like this:

If I was hiking by myself in the woods and I saw a snake on the trail as I passed and I warned the next oncoming hiker about that snake, the hiker would, no doubt, thank me.
Please keep that analogy in mind as you read what I have to tell you.

And then list your proof.

Deep down everyone wants to be warned of snakes. Thatís why YELP became so popular. We want to warn others of dangers.

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