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What would you do differently?

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Bingo posted 5/21/2020 09:28 AM

I just responded to a thread and stated how I wish I had done things differently on my first DDay.

What would you do differently after that first initial trip to hell?

After being suspicious for a month or so, I checked XWH's phone and saw all these texts from the young woman he had been walking with at the Y. He had told me about her and I thought it was purely innocent because there was a 41 year age difference. The texts proved me wrong.

I really wish I had hidden his phone, laptop and IPad and thrown his clothes out in the driveway the next morning....while he was at the Y walking with her again. I knew nothing about emotional affairs at the time which is why I kept falling for his lies and minimizing.

We finally divorced after 10 months of pure hell and numerous DDays.

What would you do differently after the first DDay and do you think it would have been easier to save your marriage?

Bingo posted 5/21/2020 09:30 AM

Sorry...I put this in the wrong forum. Can it be moved to General?

Justsomeguy posted 5/21/2020 10:23 AM

Well, I dis blow up the A to my WW's mother the moment she told me, with the gruesome details, at least all in new, soooooo I wouldnt change that. But what I would change is collecting as much evidence as possible of her affair. This would just give me something to leverage when denied having cheated. Mind you, I do gave an old cell phone full of her texts and admissions locked in a safe, but a timeline e, letter of apology and the like would be nice.

As well, I made the MC mistake. I didn't know about this site. Our MC was good, just not the right time.

But the biggest thing I should have done is D right away. I would bec
ahead of the game now.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 10:24 AM, May 21st (Thursday)]

Thissucks5678 posted 5/21/2020 10:38 AM

I donít know. I was really self destructive. I have no real issues with the way I handled dday with my WH, but man I did not take it well at all for myself. I basically self destructed for a good year and a half.

Okokok posted 5/21/2020 10:39 AM

I waited 2-3 weeks before I told any supporters (friends, family) about what was happening. Worst 2-3 weeks of my life.

I did every non-180 move imaginable for the first month. Wish I had started the 180 sooner.

BIGGEST REGRET: marriage counseling.

Jumped into it literally the day after DDay. Eventually our MC basically "coached" my wife back to her office and to AP, admonished me for not trusting my wife (MC told me she "intuited" that my wife was telling the truth about no contact, that there was never any sex, etc.) and essentially for being irrational. Acted as if I was silly in thinking it was a "full-blown sexual affair," and that what had happened was nowhere near as bad (turns out it was sexual). In one of my last sessions, she had me look at my wife and apologize (for being rude to her on/after DDay, for not trusting her).

I don't regret the divorce. But I will say that a large part of my 1-2 years of IC after separation were about dealing with the pain my MC inflicted on me. I trusted MC to help, and she really, really hurt.

Blessing in disguise though, as MC totally ruined my chances for reconciliation. A highly-skilled MC likely would have kept me in the marriage for a much longer period of time.

[This message edited by Okokok at 10:53 AM, May 21st (Thursday)]

EllieKMAS posted 5/21/2020 10:44 AM

DDay1 I would have gone absolutely nuclear. Told everyone in both our families. Kicked him out of the house (that I bought and paid for). Changed the locks. Cancelled his phone (that I bought and paid for). Told the little slut's parents. Gone to his work and confronted them in front of the owner and all the clients. Printed a big sign to put up in front of the shop about not going there unless you wanted an STD-riddled slut and an overblown teenage-farking man-baby performing your body mod service. (No I have not rethought this at ALL )

In short, made it as publicly uncomfortable and humiliating as humanly possible for both of them immediately.

I did none of those things. I can tell you though... if I am ever unfortunate enough to have this happen in the future, I will not make these same mistakes again.

Bingo posted 5/21/2020 10:47 AM

Wow, Okokok, that is a horrible story! I can't imagine being told those things while being in so much pain and anguish.

It's so hard to accept what's happening and to then be told to apologize to the WS. Unbelievable....

thatbpguy posted 5/21/2020 10:50 AM

Two regrets:

1) doing the pick me dance like a fool

2) not filing immediately for D and trying to R

Don't misunderstand me, I am a fan of R but I should have known it wasn't an option in our case.

Evertrying posted 5/21/2020 11:16 AM

I would have called the OBS the night I found out, but my H told me he already knew or at least had an idea. H told me the OBS had written a text to his wife (the AP) and told her he knew something was going on between the two of them, and the AP showed the text to my H. True? Maybe, but at the time I was too distraught and in shock and I didn't contact the OBS.

I considered it later on, but by then I didn't want to invite the whole shit show back into our lives. The A ended and we began healing.

Lionne posted 5/21/2020 11:21 AM

I basically self destructed for a good year and a half.

Amen. The most important thing after this kind of trauma, is to take care of oneself. I didn't do that, I sure wish I had. It subtracted years from my life.

BluesPower posted 5/21/2020 11:32 AM

I should have filed for divorce immediately and never looked back.

I really wish I had done that, I was a fool.

99lawdog99 posted 5/21/2020 11:55 AM

Three things:

1. Not get angry or mad or even show any emotion

2. Call him up and let him know he could have her

3. Get divorced

waitedwaytoolong posted 5/21/2020 12:25 PM

So many things. And I think if I had done them, it might have saved the marriage.

Day one I should have moved out. Normally you would ask them to leave, but her affair happened in the house so this dovetails to me walking out of the place and not coming back except to get my stuff.

Exposed her and let her live with the consequences. I was reluctant on my part because of how humiliating it was. I also didnít want her diminished in the eyes of our kids and friends. When it finally did come out, it wasnít so bad for me, and though it blew up for her, time has diminished the bad feelings others had to her

I should have blown up his life. Just gone scorched earth. Made him lose his family like I lost mine

No marriage counseling within the first few weeks
I think if I had done these things, it might have saved us. As it was, after a year of anger, I ate the shit sandwich and let it fester. After years of that, it finally bubbled over and I was compelled to pull the plug. I think she would have made the trades above to still have her family and marriage

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 5:11 PM, May 21st (Thursday)]

Bingo posted 5/21/2020 13:03 PM

Damn.....I wish I had done all of the things you guys would have done. They all sound so strong and decisive.

Instead I hung around and made myself look like a fool.

I'm still trying to get some of my self respect back because of the way I reacted...

I wish I'd had my bitch boots on right at the start but nooooo....

tushnurse posted 5/21/2020 13:21 PM

The one thing I did do right was see an attorney and learn my rights, even before I had confirmed the A.

I would encourage (and do) every newbie to do this. Understanding the financial impact of your decisions is huge.

Things I wish I had done differently. MC - I too thought we were special/different and if the MC could only help him see....

Not tolerate being an option and a doormat as long as I did.

When I finally found my voice and my strength, that is when the real changes started.

yellowledbetter posted 5/21/2020 16:52 PM

I wish I had hid the two phones I found the proof of their A on so I would have evidence down the road to use as ammunition. He wrestled them from me and destroyed them eventually. I could have been a real bitch too with the naked pics they sent each other. Dammit!

I wish I had kicked her ass when I had the opportunity.

I wish I had stayed calm on dday so I could get my ducks in a row before exposing their A. Instead, I went kaboom. For real.

The aftermath of their A almost killed me...literally. I self destructed so badly and still struggle with looking after me. Six weeks after dday I had major brain surgery. The symptoms I had leading up to surgery were major memory loss and the inability to speak . The ER figured I was suicidal and having a mental break down because my husband explained that I was traumatized by his recent infidelity. Meanwhile I had a major bleed in my the time I didnít care if I survived or not. And I do wish my neurosurgeon hadnít brought my memory back!!! (Iím kidding, mostly ).

I wish I had been able to hate him enough to leave him and never look back.

So many regrets.

LadyG posted 5/21/2020 17:16 PM

Dday 1: I was very young. I should have kept driving and I should have sat in my parents driveway until they got home...

I could have stopped all the other Ddays which followed... 🙏🏼

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/22/2020 07:42 AM

I would've immediately kicked him out and sued everyone!

mamabear22 posted 5/22/2020 13:16 PM

Like almost all of you that have commented this far, I really do wish I had blown it all up, made it public to everyone and divorced, right away.
Silly me I thought it made ME look bad.
Now I feel like staying with him makes me look like a fool, kind of embarrassing that I stayed.

Hard to believe now, that I was in that much of a fog and worried how much others thought about what I was doing.

Since I didn't do that I really do wish that I had not said as much to him, kept more quiet, observed more, loaded his phone message and waited to see what else he did and found out more answers before confronting him.
I was still being gaslighted but thought I could trust him.
After the VERY FIRST lie, I should not have believed anything that he said.

OneInTheSame posted 5/22/2020 16:12 PM

I wish I had copied and safely stored away their Messages for future reference. She deleted them right after she sent a no-contact message that it was over, she had been caught, and they would no longer see each other.

I wish I had asked her to leave. But we had a bee sick kitty, and I was ill, and my wife is my caregiver, and goes with me to the doctors since I donít drive as much anymore due to medications.

I wish I had outed her, to friends, family. I was fearful and ashamed.

I wish I had possessed the courage to either move out or go to my daughterís, but again, my health got in the way.

I wish I had recorded our fights. She has no idea how destructive her words and her anger shredded me.

Her counselor was through the VA. Figured they deal with this all the time. Aside from helping her find a job through VA connections, he was of the philosophy that I should just move past it. He was more interested in her past abuse history than helping her become a safe and supportive spouse.

Sometimes I wish I had called the OW, who is her ex, and reamed her a new one.

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