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WH says I exhibit contempt towards him

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BetterTimesAhead posted 7/27/2020 17:01 PM

I think he reads into my actions meanings that aren't there and he always has. Yesterday he asked why I didn't fill the water pitcher which was 25% full. I told him it's not important to me and I'll get to it when I get to it or he could do it. He says it should be important to me so I told him it wasn't and I walked away to do something that did need to get done. As I walked away, he says I am showing contempt towards him because I didn't fill the water pitcher. I told him that's not contempt - contempt is him not honoring my requests to show remorse after he cheated - that is contempt.

I think we have different definitions of contempt.

allusions posted 7/27/2020 17:58 PM

Why the heck didn't he fill the water pitcher? Why is it your job?

BetterTimesAhead posted 7/27/2020 18:06 PM

Because I'm the wife. That makes it my job. And yes, I have an issue with that mindset.

The1stWife posted 7/27/2020 20:29 PM

I would have dumped the water on his head and said “now that’s contempt you idiot” with a nice hand gesture to go along with it.

My H is smart enough to know better than to say something like that.

I would not even respond to those conversations in the future.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 7/27/2020 20:34 PM

Because I'm the wife. That makes it my job. And yes, I have an issue with that mindset.
This made me do the eyes-closed-head-tilted-to-the-sky-deep-inhale/exhale. You know the one.

I just said this in another thread, but I'll repeat it.

The only response you need for many, many of these issues.

That sounds like a you problem, not a me problem.

Also, please go on youtube and search:
Try Jesus PLEASE Don't Try Me - Tobe Nwigwe · Jabari Johnson

I'm not even religious but this was my initial reaction to what you just wrote.

LadyG posted 7/28/2020 02:56 AM

Living alone is Becoming even more wonderful.

My WH would have stopped me in the middle of vacuuming, call me over to the water pitcher and then ask me to refill it.

My favourite is when he would ask me to tell one of the kids to do something, rather than speak to kids himself.

He wanted to be the good guy, whereas mum was the old nag.

Afraid you may have many of these silly ‘contempt’ issues arise during the limbo phase.

Good luck 🙏🏼

Tigersrule77 posted 7/28/2020 10:16 AM

I would say that your WH is showing contempt for YOU in making such a big deal out of such a small issue. Instead of showing you respect and asking you, "Next time, would you mind refilling the water pitcher when it is this low? I would appreciate it", he chose to be a jerk and making it about himself.

He showed a lot of contempt for you with his A. It would take a lot of water pitchers to even that out.

Chaos posted 7/28/2020 10:27 AM

What a flaming horse's patoot.

Over a water pitcher.

BetterTimesAhead posted 7/28/2020 11:49 AM

Thank you for all the laughs and good advice everyone.

1st, I think I will take your advice and not even respond in the future. Nothing I can say will ever be right in his mind anyway.

HeHadADoubleLife, I will look for that video. Thank you for the suggestion.

Thank you for the luck LadyG. I know I will need it. I can't tell you how many times he notices things and just leaves it for me to do because it's "my job".

I agree Tigers. It would take a huge number of water pitchers to even things out. The thing is, I don't use the water so it's not like I used it up and left it empty. He does that and expects me to fill it. I don't understand why a grown ass man can't refill and replace when he uses something up. I don't know why it's my job.

He makes a big deal about everything Chaos. He says it's an indication of my overall disrespect for him. Such as if I don't make the bed. He might be the last one in it, but he won't make it. Says that's my job too and if I don't do it, I am disrespecting him. I see it as disrespect towards me because he won't make it. I think whoever is the last one up should make it. Just common sense to me. As you can see, I struggle daily with this.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 7/28/2020 15:08 PM

BTA, I feel like I misrepresented the video... it's funny, not religious.

The lyrics are:

Try Jesus, but do not try me
'Cause I throw hands!

Just to clear up any confusion

Anyway, this seems like an ideological issue. He believes the wife should do all of the household things, regardless of who used the item/created the mess etc. To be honest, it simply defies logic to me.

He is the one using the pitcher, yet it's your job to fill it? That does not compute. He is the last one to get out of bed, but he expects you to go back and make it?

Do you hold a tissue up for him when he needs to blow his nose? Does he need you to wipe his ass for him too? He sounds like a child. Except that most children learn how to do things like that for themselves by the age of, I don't know, 7?

The act of refusing to fill up the water pitcher is not in and of itself contemptuous. I wouldn't either. Not my water, not my job. But I will tell you I would have a whole lot of contempt for any person who treated me like their mommy when they're supposed to be an equal partner in a marriage. That's just about the least attractive thing on the planet.

[This message edited by HeHadADoubleLife at 3:10 PM, July 28th (Tuesday)]

BetterTimesAhead posted 7/29/2020 16:49 PM

HeHadADoubleLife, those are my thoughts exactly. His rationale is that he goes to work and makes the money so I should bend over backwards to make his life as comfortable as possible and do everything at home. I told him I'm not a maid and this isn't a hotel, that he's a grown ass man who could and should be doing these things for himself. I've told him I am not his mother nor do I want to be. He believes it is my job to nurture and pamper and take care of him, and his job is to make the money. And no, I did not see this attitude before we married because I would not have married him. And he still expects this after cheating and being unremorseful about it. I gave him my list of what I need him to do and he said he's not doing it, but he still expects me to do all this for him. Says I caused him to cheat by not being the wife I was supposed to be so it is my fault he cheated as I left him no option. There is no reasoning with the unreasonable.

nekonamida posted 7/29/2020 17:00 PM

BTA, if he's not someone you would marry today, he's unremorseful, and he has blatantly said that he will not do what is necessary for R, why do you stay? At least 180 him, detach, ignore his outbursts, and get a good IC to keep you going until you can move on from him and heal independently.

Trapped74 posted 7/29/2020 18:14 PM

GET. OUT. NOW. Please. For yourself, for your children (I don't know your full story, but if you have children, do you want either your sons or daughters modeling this back-assward, 19th century mindset?) for all woman-kind. Kick his knuckle-dragging ass to the curb. He will cheat again, because he's already told you it was your fault. He's showing you who he is. Believe him.

BetterTimesAhead posted 7/29/2020 19:50 PM

nekonamida, I am doing just that. Not very successful with the 180 so far though. Have to work on that. Yesterday I told him I had enough and I was going to an attorney - so of course then he decides to talk to me. He read something I asked him to read (first time in ages) but says he will not do everything on my list because it is not necessary and just punitive. I told him some of it may seem punitive to him, but each and every item is something I need to heal. He claims to have morals, values and integrity and says I treated him so badly that I caused him to disregard them and be with AP. Again I had to tell him what I did or didn't do may have caused him to want to be with AP, but he - and only he - made the choice to ACTUALLY be with her and that is why he is not safe for me. Because he hasn't worked on figuring that out. Because right now I am at risk for him choosing that option again because he is unhappy. I am working on getting stronger so I can do what I need to do.

You are absolutely right Trapped. He honestly believes that society is worse off because marriages are not like they were 100 years ago where the woman's place was in the home and the husband ruled everything. My failure to accept that led to his unhappiness - he actually called me a monster for how he claims I treated him. I'm sure I had my moments, but he can't seem to grasp that he was awful to me, and that his cheating is so much worse than anything I could have done. I do have a 15 year old son and I am always pointing out to him when his father says something inappropriate or treats me with no respect, making sure he knows that is not how you treat anyone much less your wife. He knows what WH did was wrong and has told him he shouldn't have done it. I want to be strong for him and set a good example so I am working on it.

Thank you both for your responses.

nekonamida posted 7/29/2020 20:18 PM

nekonamida, I am doing just that. Not very successful with the 180 so far though. Have to work on that. Yesterday I told him I had enough and I was going to an attorney - so of course then he decides to talk to me. He read something I asked him to read (first time in ages) but says he will not do everything on my list because it is not necessary and just punitive. I told him some of it may seem punitive to him, but each and every item is something I need to heal. He claims to have morals, values and integrity and says I treated him so badly that I caused him to disregard them and be with AP. Again I had to tell him what I did or didn't do may have caused him to want to be with AP, but he - and only he - made the choice to ACTUALLY be with her and that is why he is not safe for me. Because he hasn't worked on figuring that out. Because right now I am at risk for him choosing that option again because he is unhappy. I am working on getting stronger so I can do what I need to do.

Some tips:

- No more JADE'ing (Justifying, Arguing, Defending, and Explaining). If he says, "I won't do the list because it's punitive," you say, "ok" and walk away. Set that lawyer appointment. Take another step towards ending the marriage. JADE'ing is doing nothing for you and is getting you caught up in these arguments. He KNOWS what you want. He probably even can see why. He simply disagrees with giving it to you because he doesn't think he needs to and he doesn't think you will stand up for yourself. Let your ACTIONS do the talking (180, lawyer, D papers. separation, etc.) and let your words leave him thinking he's in the clear.

- Grey rock technique: Google it and utilize it for every potentially inflammatory thing he says. This is so that you stop wasting your time and energy getting into arguments that go no where and can put that energy towards making real changes that get you out of infidelity and away from him. It also prevents him from manipulating you because you're giving him ammo with these arguments. You're letting him know all the buttons he can push to make a divorce go away but without him doing the work. If he really does wake up and get serious about R, you will know it and it's not going to look like him reading a book after you've threatened D and then arguing you with the rest of the conditions of R.

- Both of the above help you to DETACH (Don't Even Think About Changing Him). I can tell you are thinking about it because you are arguing and trying to get him to understand your point of view instead of accepting that he is who he is and he means what he says. Once you start accepting him and taking what he says seriously, you will stop feeling the need to waste time and energy attempting to get him to show empathy that he does not have i.e. changing him.

In the wake of infidelity, time and energy are precious for a BS because there's not that much to go around while you are processing trauma and trying to keep up some form of normal in your day-to-day life. That's why it's so important that you step back and take as much energy and time away from focusing on him right now because he has told you loud and clear - R is not happening. Your choices are limbo and D and since you don't want limbo, realistically D is all you've got. You've probably noticed by now that some BSes have spent YEARS focusing on JADE'ing their WS into R and now most of them are headed toward D saying, "I wish I D'd sooner." The more time and energy you spend on him, the harder it will be for you to find energy and time for yourself and moving forward.

Also, if you fall off the 180, get right back on it. Even if it's only been 5 minutes, get right back on it. It gets a little easier each and every time.

BetterTimesAhead posted 7/30/2020 09:30 AM

Thank you for all the specifics Neko. I have been on SI over one year but have never heard of JADE before. I will research gray rock as I've heard the term used but don't know much about it. Thank you for the advice. I know I am feeling stuck and only I can get myself out of it. I do recognize what he is doing but I need to respond appropriately. Very helpful response - thank you again.

deephurt posted 7/30/2020 09:46 AM

Not that I think you showed any contempt-but why shouldn’t you. Between cheating and then making filling a water pitcher your job, I’m surprised you didn’t punch him. You have every right to show as much contempt as you want but damn. Tell him he has two legs and can fill a water pitcher as well as you can and if it’s so important to him to do it now, go ahead a do it yourself. My wh knows better than to even think about asking that.

gmc94 posted 7/30/2020 10:01 AM

Both of the above help you to DETACH (Don't Even Think About Changing Him). I can tell you are thinking about it because you are arguing and trying to get him to understand your point of view instead of accepting that he is who he is and he means what he says. Once you start accepting him and taking what he says seriously, you will stop feeling the need to waste time and energy attempting to get him to show empathy that he does not have i.e. changing him.
This is really important -and sure as heck wasn't easy for me. It may take time, but emotionally detaching seems to me to be crucial to getting on a path to healing.

As I detached, I was able to just stop wasting so much energy on my WH. For me, the inability to reconcile the words (I love you, I want to R, I'll do anything to save this M, etc) with his actions (not showing empathy, not communicating feelings, disagreeing with - rather than validating - my feelings, being defensive, continued dishonesty, not being proactive about ANYTHING related to A recovery, healing, R, etc) kept me stuck. Like I really just could not understand how he could say X and then do Y. So I think I tried to find ways to make sense out of it by talking to him.... like he must not be able to SEE that his actions and words were not on the same page, then he would alter the course. Good grief I wasted a ton of time & energy on this.

At the end of the day, when someone truly/internally WANTS what they say, when it is truly a PRIORITY, the actions just follow. Doesn't make it easy, but it makes it happen. The words "I want to lose weight" are meaningless if I don't make eating healthy & exercise a priority. But when I truly believe that is what I want - when it is a real goal for me, then I will make it a priority with conscious and deliberate action (ie researching food choices, exercising every morning no matter how crummy I feel, saying "no" to that lovely ice cream, etc).

BetterTimesAhead posted 7/30/2020 15:41 PM

deephurt. I agree with you. I really don't think he understands the depths of the rage I have from his cheating and lack of remorseful action.

gmc, detaching has been difficult for me. I have a hard time letting go of who I thought he was. I feel like if I could just get through to him he would understand. He would get it. He would make the effort. I know that's not the case but this has been a long time getting me to this point so it is not easy to undo. And I do the same as you did, trying to make sense of how his actions don't back up his words. And I agree with you - if he was truly sorry, if he truly wanted to help me heal, nothing would stop him. He claims he's done all he's capable of (sounds like IC talk to me) and is still making excuses, blaming me, telling half-truths, etc. He still sees himself as the victim - of me, of circumstances, of his FOO issues. I think he knows what he should do - what I need - but his pride won't allow it. He still thinks what I need is strictly punitive, and he gives me a big FU about that. Some of my needs may seem punitive to him, but that is not why I need them. There are rational, reasonable explanations for each of them which would help my healing. Apparently his pride is more important than my well being. I'm a work in progress but getting closer to what I (sadly) need to do.

crazyblindsided posted 7/30/2020 15:50 PM

Over a water pitcher I would probably leave it at 25% full all the time after this idiocy. Show him what contempt really looks like

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