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We've all probably gone through a metamorphosis of sorts as a result of the affair, whether you're a BS or WS, D'd or R'd, had kids or didn't. I was trying to remember if I'd always been a certain way about something, or if it was one of the changes, and I realized that I haven't yet taken stock on some of the more subtle differences between before me and after me. I want to feel like I'm probably the same guy in most ways, but I don't know if that's actually true.

What are some of the changes you've noticed about yourselves, either shorter term or years later?

[This message edited by AbandonedGuy at 11:58 AM, March 2nd (Saturday)]

Abandoned,

I will never admit the affair was a good thing, but the fact that my life has completely changes is a positive.

Pre-affair: I had no self esteem at all (jointly because of my own traumas and she was abusing me). I was needy, probably negative, possibly clingy. Full of self loathing. Co-dependent maybe? As my entire life was wrapped up in her. I was not very trusting (excluding her), had poor boundaries, blah, blah, blah. I was a mess for sure.

Today: I'm a bad ass. I have self love and self worth. I stand up for myself across all venues (not just with her). I embrace life and run toward it. I'm much more optimistic and much more realistic. I trust but verify now. I have strong boundaries across all facets of my life. I literally am a completely different man. I will be more than OKAY!

The affair does change us for sure. It's up to us on what changes we allow and embrace.

Interesting question

The before the A me was a BASGU [bad a** sparkly goddess unicorn]. I became one because I was a horribly awkward late blooming teenager. Around 14 I decided I was tired of crying in the bathroom because no one liked me and I made quite an easy target. So I decided not to giveAF what anyone else thought and live the life I thought I should. And acted like I didn't care about the mean comments. I made "back up plans" for when weekend plans never happened so I never wallowed in disappointment. I even pretended to be confident even when I wasn't. I eventually didn't have to try so hard or pretend so much because it started to come naturally. By the time my late teens/early adulthood came around I was an IT girl. That had everything do to with my self confidence which was earned by sheer grit. I'd developed by then and had the body of a pin up girl - but that was icing on the cake because I already liked myself.

Post A - I am still a BASGU that owns my own space. BUT for about 6-8 months I was knocked back down to the young girl who felt unworthy I described above. I'd cry everytime I showered because of my unworthy naked body. I would think "no wonder" every time I looked in a mirror - and I avoided it as much as possible. My shoulders always slumped. I hated myself all over again. Because I compared myself to AP - or the AP I thought my WH saw. Then - two things happened. 1 - I got sick of myself all over again. I stood the F*** up and looked in the mirror, squared my shoulders and said "I AM CHAOS - I AM A BASGU - F*** ANYONE WHO DOESN'T AGREE WITH THAT" 2 - I met some wonderful friends on SI who helped me see AP for what she really was. A mere crumb.

So AbandonedGuy - to answer your question. My Pre and Post A self are the same. The journey in the making of them is the difference.

I'm gonna echo a lot of what Chaos said (Hey there Chaos! Hope your BASGU is rockin' !) in that there was a long and dark period of complete loss of confidence and self esteem that has pretty well passed.

But there are things that I don't have back, and don't have much hope about getting back.

The biggest one is trust. I know I will never trust anyone again in the way I did my WH (which is probably a good thing), but I FEAR I won't even be able to trust again at all - even in a healthy way. Trust came VERY VERY VERY hard for me (FOO), so to allow myself to trust my WH and be vulnerable with him was a giant leap (I was skeptical of even getting married). To then find out that he was lying by omission even in the midst of me doing my own therapy to allow me to trust him (about which he was fully aware at the time), lied to me about his girlfriend in one form or another for 25years+, and lied to me about the PA for a decade, has set be back a long long long way. I am mostly detached now bc protecting myself is my #1 priority. My hope is that time will help here, but TBH, I am pretty skeptical (inability to trust was compounded by a huge betrayal by a work mentee last fall, so both personal & professional trust took huge hits w/in one year).

But there are other things I don't know will return. Feeling safe. Feeling easy/relaxed. Sleeping soundly (I wake up MANY times in the night, that is the PTSD talking). I have not yet had to be around rope, but have anxiety about them after WH's suicide attempt (I like to waterski and lake life is big in my family, so this is something I'm working on a lot, as I do not want my WH's antics to f*ck up something I truly love). I don't know if I can ever hear a siren w/o freaking out, and I suspect I will forever have chills being in a garage or shed (another gift of the suicide, tho I AM able to do it, it's extremely anxiety producing).

On the positive front, I think my ability to empathize has expanded a lot. I am better able to just listen to another's pain w/o trying to minimize or fix it. I am more "in the moment" than any time in my life. I am way better at the control stuff (and have 100% confidence this COD tendency will be manageable for the rest of my life). I think the work to "re-heal" my FOO trauma will be long lasting and positive. I believe I relate to my kids better now than pre-A (due to empathy, letting go of control, being in the moment, etc).

It's hard to say really. I guess before the marriage I wasn't a nice guy or really that good of a person. Once the kids came, I donned the Mask of the Father, and became wholesome in act and appearance. I wanted my kids to grow up to be good people even if I wasn't.

After the affair, I switched back and forth for a while until I kinda blended the two together in a Frankenstein-like personality that's alot closer to who I really am and still an acceptable father figure. In my opinion anyway lol.

I guess the short answer is that I'm more honest with myself. I also have less tolerance for bullshit that can negatively effect me and I'm less willing to do things to help others.

But I'm still am angel compared to before the marriage. Now I'm just an angel willing to drone carpet bomb a yard with burning bags of poo.

For a while on here I called myself an agent of chaos. Then, Chaos signed up, and I couldn't very well do that without my shenanigans effecting her image lol.

Errr... not that I've drone carpet poo bombed a yard. Yet.

The first couple years I was a mess.

The next few years I felt better, but I didn't feel like me. Still felt like I was recovering.

About ten years out, I feel phenomenal. I would never want to go back to the person I was, but I also wouldn't wish my sadness and pain on anyone. I tend to look at it like a reward for all of my pain and suffering. I was kicked, I was down, but I was weak and naive and underprepared for life. I needed to grow, get tough, rebuild. And I did, and now I am titanium strong and no one messes with my peace now. I'll take it!!!

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 5:30 PM, March 2nd (Saturday)]

I honestly don't know.

I am at 20 months out. I used to be the man in charge. I had all of the confidence in the world. Now I feel like a looser. I hope that this feeling will pass.

The before my WW me and the me now are basically the same person. The me I was with the WW before the A (trusting someone with everything, being myself, being transparent), that was the aberration. I'd like to get it back, but I'm not sure it's possible. The A confirmed my "before WW" world view so painfully that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to look at the world the way I did after I met her again.

Pre A

I was relatively happy-go-lucky, trusting someone wasn't a issue. I was outgoing, made friends easily and it was easy for me to talk to everyone - both sexes.

Post A

Only a little over a year out, but I am much more reserved around people. I can usually easily start a conversation with people I don't know, but I choose not to for some reason. I find myself taking a closer look at people, really trying to get a "feel" of their personality before putting myself out there.

I have changed in some ways, whether it is for the better, or worse remains to be seen.

Well, I am untrusting. Less social.

Physically -

I never liked soup, love soups now. I guess it was just easier to eat and as I stopped eating - easier was a good thing.

I look completely different

I used to love soda, caffeine, can’t stand it anymore.

I’ve always been spotlessly clean home, and honestly, I don’t care anymore. Messes used to make me crazy. Now I can just step over and not even see messes.

Mentally -

I have no patience for sports/weather talk. No patience for stupid, before I’d argue, now I just walk away.

I completely trust my gut. Before I’d give people (him) the benefit of the doubt. Now - no

It's a good question. Maybe because I don't know how to answer it.

I have gotten more accepting of myself. I chose my screen name for a reason. I wanted to fight to overcome what I perceived as my defects. I realized that some of that stuff is intractable, even with the D. I did not go out and sleep with a bunch of women. Just not my way. Found a GF and went with it. That is my way, I guess. But I'm more honest about who I am now.

There is a deep down sadness right now that I have to fight off as much as possible. Some PTSD. The raising three kids as a single parent has gotten a bit draining. The rest I do not know.

It’s a year since my dday and worst week of my life.

I’d say I’m stronger. I’m a survivor. I think my basic core values are exactly the same but I have a tighter hold on the overly empathic compassionate side of myself, I no longer see it as a weakness as I can regulate it to keep me safe now. I can’t see me ever trusting completely again but I think that’s a good thing. I’m no fool. I won’t blindly trust again. I now suffer anxiety, that sucks, and I’m angry that I’ve been left with that scar from it all, but in all I’m stronger and more capable.

An older much loved relative used to say ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ I’ve been through a few bad times in my life and this saying holds true for me.

Don’t get me wrong, I wish I’d never had to go through this. I love my WH completely. He and my family were my world, I woke up happy and thankful every day and he and his ex POS AP just decimated that for me BUT I won’t let their brokenness beat me and I won’t allow their issues to affect my self worth.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 1:54 AM, March 3rd (Sunday)]

The "Before" me used to do a lot, worry a lot and feel anxious a lot about making my WS happy. I would take care of the kids, my WS, but I always came last. I was very happy-go-lucky and vibrant. I didn't trust a lot of people but thought I could completely trust my WS.

The "After" me doesn't do half the amount of stuff I used to, but I spend more ME time and relaxing finding peace. My WS happiness is no longer my concern. I put myself and my kids first. I am still happy-go-lucky a little less vibrant but am very strong. I no longer trust my WS I do however trust myself.

I’m a lot like Brennan87 in preA me and postA me.

I believed I was lucky he chose me. Thought he was the smartest guy I knew. Loved his honesty and trustworthiness.

Hahahaha

Now? I’m much smarter than him - I’ve proven it to myself. I am a more honest person than him. And I am not a coward and will face anything.

He will avoid situations and he is a coward / again it’s proven.

I no longer rely on him to make my life “complete”. I do that on my own. And rather well.

I am much happier in my life after his A. Go figure.

I was watching a documentary called "Unseen" last night. It's a complicated documentary to explain but very powerful, and several victims were interviewed about their trauma. One woman who was attacked and lucky to escape with her life was trying to explain how the trauma back in 2009 has ruined her and she's not the same. She can't sleep because she's so afraid, sleeps in her clothes, can't get close to anyone, even her husband. She can't feel safe, won't leave the house, and just cannot trust. Anyone. At any time. She was shaking, crying and hurting so badly. My heart literally broke for her. I don't know if this woman was getting any professional help, but I don't think so. She seemed to just want people to understand how she has suffered now for 10 years.

All I could think of was SI and the unacknowledged trauma that many have suffered from infidelity. Trauma is real, it does mess you up, it can take a major toll. It changes you. It definitely leaves you feeling vulnerable and unsafe. We need to reach out, get help, fight to reclaim our lives. It's not easy. I do not think I suffered the level of trauma that others here have, but I still felt very sad and lost and depressed. I don't want people to give up or give in; it can get better.

Trauma is not just "in your head," and a good therapist and work on likely PTSD will help bring you back stronger. I wish peace to everyone here.

I don't know I am any different.

I am the same person I was before and during my marriage. I may be wiser, but the core of who I am is the same. I understand enough to know that I only change if I choose to. I do not choose to. Sure parts are not the same, but who I am has not changed. Mostly, because I don't see a need or reason to change. I am comfortable with who I am, was, and always will be.

I’ve always been strong. I’ve always trusted unless proven the person couldn’t be trusted. I’ve always liked myself and had confidence that I always tried to do the right thing. I don’t intentionally hurt people and am a very good and kind person.

I’ve always liked my own company and knew that I was a catch.

I counted on some tibalways be there for me if needed. I counted on ah to keep his word and never hurt me.

For a time I questioned all of it post dday. I questioned if I was a catch. I questioned my looks and my personality. That’s all gone now

However, I no longer trust. I will never trust like I did before. I now know that I can only count on me. I will never count on anyone else. I will never count on who or anyone else to never hurt me.

I will never make that error again.

Before:

Throughout my entire childhood, I was subjected to the most unimaginable and extreme abuse from my parents and older siblings. They all brutally groomed me to be the perfect victim by demanding my silent compliance while they raped, tortured, and blamed me for the blackness of their souls.

I took me everything I had (and then some) to survive 18 years of hell on earth. I came into adulthood with some deeply entrenched coping mechanisms that left me a sitting target for more abuse. I was co-dependent and yearning to be loved, accepted, and approved of. I married the same horrible abusiveness that I knew as a child and my family of origin embraced STBXHole as one of their own.

Having been taught my entire life to remain silent and submissive despite whatever horrible abuse I was enduring, I had a complete and total breakdown whenever my old, dysfunctional coping mechanisms started to fail me. Much to my family's delight and with much pressure from STBXHole to drink until I passed out so that he was free to mess around, I turned to drowning the pain by binge drinking.

Of course, drinking didn't work either and it was perhaps one of the most destructive and damaging decisions I made. Feeling completely out of control of my life, I withdrew from the world just like I did when I was growing up and could no longer hide the abuse that my family was putting me through. STBXHole was a master at charming and manipulating outsiders into believing his claims that I was the abusive one. He even had me convinced that standing up for myself or defending myself was me being abusive towards him. Of course, that horrified me and shut me down because the last thing I ever wanted was to be like my abusers.

My wake up call came when my counselor was doing my yearly progress check and goal setting this past fall. I was horrified to realize that I was going back down into the well of isolation and depression once again. Between my mother and STBXHole, they were slowly reverting to their same old abusiveness with their gaslighting, blame game, and mean spirited psychological attacks.

In a rapid series of split second decisions, I decided that I had enough and that I wasn't going to take anymore crap from anyone. The toxic stress from all of them was killing me and damaging my health. Of course, this newfound outspoken self-love did not go over well with the jerks who had a vested interest in keeping me silent and in their control. They were more than a little outraged that I dared to challenge their supreme right to talk to me and treat me like crap.

After:

I finally realize that surviving my extremely abusive childhood does not mean that I escaped unscathed. I was one big walking wound of neediness and trying to hard that served as a massive flashing neon beacon just begging for the someone to step up and take advantage of the foundation of abuse that I didn't know any better than to allow. I am working to address my co-dependency issues by learning how to love myself enough to walk away from any jerk who mistreats me.

So in some ways, I have become a bitch. In other ways, I am working to find the courage to put myself out there despite the decades of abuse and smear campaigns against me that my family and STBXHole have used to isolate and discredit me with any potential sources of real life support I might encounter. Throughout my life, I have only been allowed to be around those who side with my abusers. Throughout my 23 years of marriage, I wasn't even allowed to meet STBXHole's friends.

I am tired and I am weary. I don't have many people that I associate with in real life and of the few people that I do talk to from time to time, I am very guarded because I don't know if they are acting on behalf of my abusers. Unfortunately, this has been my experience far too often throughout my life for me to be able to relax or enjoy myself when out in public.

Despite all of that though, I am more determined than ever to get this house ready to sell and then move to a new place where I can have a somewhat normal life free from the shadows of my past abuse.

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