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What is everyone's opinion? My issue is I am not sure how OBS will react when I tell her about her husband. We used to go out with this couple years ago. I haven't now talked to her in over 5 years.

She knows where my wife works and also where we live. I am a little concerned OBS might do something to my wife.

General School of thought here at SI is to always tell the OBS. Reaction of OBS is not your responsibility. It is the responsibility of the cheaters. By not telling, you are helping the cheaters keep their disgusting secret. Also, another set of eyes will ensure the affair ends. OM Will likely be busy trying to save his marriage and will kick your wife to the curb.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 5:39 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

Tell the OBS. It is the right thing to do. Her health could be adversely affected. She deserves to know the truth.

The last thing I was thinking of was OBS getting back at my WS. I mean he would deserve it

After initial D-Day I did not tell the OBS because I got the story MOW was being abused. After D-Day when I found broken NC I let it rip and she did get hit by her BS that night. Not my problem.

Tell the OBS. Nothing helps shed some light on the ugliness quite like the bright light of reality

Nothing helps shed some light on the ugliness quite like the bright light of reality

Oh, yeah! Totally agree. (I even sent out a few emails at 3am on DDay2 (when I learned of a PA between my H and a Cow) to HR where the lovebirds worked, and likely many other emails that night to people I could only remember if I checked my "sent" file.)

But I digress. Yes, the BS should contact the partner who is also being betrayed and let the consequences be what they are.

Always, ALWAYS tell OBS. She deserves to know the truth about her marriage, her life, and her health.

It will also blow the A up, and provide another person that is watching their behavior.

Example, in my sitch:

OBS found out about the A 4 weeks before I did. OW told him it only happened once (lie—at that point, they had had sex 4 times, twice in OW and OBS’s bed, and twice in a parking lot—classy). WH and OW begged him not to tell me; they lied, and told him I was “unstable” and already going through a rough time. they both promised to stop the A. OBS rugswept and thought he and OW were reconciling.

What really happened? They never stopped the A. They turned it up a notch. More phone calls. More texts. More emails. More “ILY’s” . A few days later, they were in my house and my bed having sex; then hotels a few times after that. OW started trying to get WH to leave me, and he started thinking about it (he still denies this part). Until I found out, informed OBS immediately that the A had continued, and we both were looking for any contact between them. WH dropped AP, OBS and AP split..not my problem.

Telling OBS is the right thing to do. Not telling is being complicit in her WH’s deceit.

Tell the OBS. It's the right thing to do.

Did you end up feeling like everyone else knew what was going on but you? If you did, know know where she is. If not...have some empathy.

As for repercussions - against your WW? Actions have consequences; Time she learned that.

Against you? Nope. The odds of that happening are 10MM:1, Hollywood and pop culture to the contrary.

TELL HER.

You have an element in play, here, which gives you an advantage in determining whether or not to tell the OBS – you know the other couple. Unfortunately, this “friend” has betrayed you AND his own wife. Since you know the couple and what the OBS might do, you have to take into consideration what the repercussions might be from this type of individual. If you think she might hurt you, your wife, your family, or your possessions, you have to weigh if it’s worth it. For instance, if you do tell the OBS and she goes berserk on your wife, would it have been worth telling such a psycho-chic that information and your wife end up maimed? That type of person will defend their spouse – regardless of their level of involvement or guilt – to the end, and your wife will always end up the “bad person”, her husband the KISA.

If it were me (and it has been), and I wanted to inform the OBS but knew that type of risk was involved, I would “let sleeping dogs lie.”

But, if you think all that would happen is a bunch of yelling and maybe a little hair pulling, you might consider it.

I really struggled with this and ultimately decided to tell the OBS. I feel like I would want somebody to tell me, and that he has a right to know what kind of woman he’s married too. I stopped worrying about how the OW would react. She doesn’t deserve my consideration. I hated hurting the OBS, though. It doesn’t feel great, but I am still glad I did it.

Landclark - did you hurt OBS...or was it the actions of the wayward spouses? I wish one of the hundred morons at my husbands workplace cared one iota enough to let me know what my husband was up to...I’d have thanked that person for letting me know the truth of MY life.

It took me 18 months to finally tell OBS. Not telling initially was my biggest mistake.

The A went underground after DDay1. Fear was a great motivator.

When subsequent DDays happened - I'll never forget my hand shaking as I dialed. I had to dial twice because I hit wrong numbers.

My revelation went something like this:

Hello. My name is Chaos. Your wife AP and my WH have been having an affair. It was discovered [insert date here] and I was told it ended. I recently discovered they were still in contact and that it is still ongoing. I should have told you sooner. I'm very sorry.

As for any fears of retaliation, etc. - that's what 911 is for.

And we all share that same feeling. I was told by OBS a few hours after making the call that AP was on her way to find me to "fu*k that bi*ch up" after I outed her to OBS. I drove straight to my local precinct and told my story.

I kept his secret once. Several other times, I never knew who "she" was so couldn't tell the OBS. This last time, I told EVERYONE. Sadly, when I told the OBS, I found out he already knew and had withheld the information from me for years. I deserved to know the truth. Even if I did nothing with that truth, I deserved to be told.

I literally just did this. I have been nervous/scared/unsure. I finally got a hold of her last Friday. It was a relief! She was receptive, thanked me and we talked for like 20 minutes in a cordial normal fashion. She asked me for "proof" which I sent her and she replied, said thank you and that she was sorry for me and very sorry for my children. That was it. Haven't spoken to her since and I have no idea what her and her piece of shit husband are doing. I know that he still talks to my WS but, I don't care. They can have each other. I was glad I finally did it. When you do, just do it calmly and rationally, avoid saying things of a derogatory nature and just present the facts. This way the OBS shouldn't feel like you're attacking her or her husband. Just my two cents.

Thanks everyone for your input. I will have to think about it because this person might be unstable and just destroy me and my family.

CJ1500, I assume by the way you asked your question that you are still with your WW. What type of affair did she have or is she having? How did you find out? Did she confess or did you discover?

Thanks everyone for your input. I will have to think about it because this person might be unstable and just destroy me and my family

So, you think the OBS might destroy further you and your family more than your WW and the OM has already done?

What makes you think that?

If you don't tell, then you become an accomplice in the affair. You are helping her cheating husband keep secrets from her. You are enabling future adultery by her husband. And he will think he struck gold. Not only did he get to have sex with your wife, but you also will help him deceive her.

Your wife destroyed their family,and her own. Telling the truth is not only the right thing to do,but it also rubs the shine off of OM and the affair. Most women seem to cheat for the emotional side of it. The OM will throw your wife under the bus, and she will see she wasn't special, and he is not the person he lead her to believe he is

Exposing the affair to the OBS is the single best thing a BS can do,if they want to attempt reconciliation.

Also, by telling OBS you are doing what no one else is doing. You are giving her her dignity,and respecting her enough to give her the truth about HER life. You hold the power here. You can ask her,as a favor for you,to please not have contact with your wife,as the two of you are trying to reconcile. Since you respected her, she will most likely respect your wishes. If you tell, then you control when this comes out.Otherwise, you will forever be waiting for the day OM slips up, and she finds out on her own. She may check the phone bill,and see your wife's number all over it. Or,she could come across a secret email account. Or find pics he saved. Or,someone else who knows may develop a conscious, and tell her. And,if that happens, if she finds out some other way,then you can not ask her to stay away. And once her husband tells her you knew,her fury and rage will be aimed at all 3 of you who kept this a secret from her.

Tell her.

CJ1500, I assume by the way you asked your question that you are still with your WW. What type of affair did she have or is she having? How did you find out? Did she confess or did you discover? So, you think the OBS might destroy further you and your family more than your WW and the OM has already done?

What makes you think that?

We had both been distant for some time. We both assumed that things would get better but didn't really work on it. I would go to porn and she clearly went to this OM. I have been dealing with porn for a long time..probably back to 2005.She even caught me once that of course hurt her. I would consider watching porn for as long as I have is a type of cheating. I can tell you all that I was not happy either and if someone did come along I would probably have been the one that cheated.

She had a EA starting back in 2014 that lead to a PA that she said only happened twice in 2015 and 2016. They both said to each other we have families and can't do this to them. I didn't find out until June 2019 when I found love letters that she wrote at work and couldn't shred at work because the shredder was broken. She forgot about them in her makeup bag in the car. I found them that morning. I have the letters and have made copies if I have to do something down the road.

The OBS used to work with my WW for years at a school. They are in the same district still and pretty sure OBS would cause extreme harm to WW career. Also it would get out to all of our friends. Other issue is OBS knows where we live, where WW works, and knows where our kids go to school. I also don't know what OBS son would do who is in college.

WW has been open with everything. We contacted AP with text messages the same day. Of course AP didn't respond to me since my threat was come clean with your wife. AP responded to WW saying I am a good man and AP is truly sorry that it got out of hand. WW showed me the text message immediately.

I admit that me the BS has done stuff that has been hurtful to her but never cheated with someone else. I have said multiple times I was not happy and maybe we shouldn't be together. This started back in 2004.

We have never been this close in our entire relationship. I am trying to R because deep down I truly love her and she has said the same. We have two kids that are 13 and 10.I really want it to work out. Send me your good vibes, pray, or whatever you can send my way. I try to just move on one day at a time. I know most of you don't agree with me but telling the OBS right now would pretty much end R. I have OM number since we were friends also. Should I contact OM again? I know where they live and I know where OBS works. Sorry, I am all over the place.

Don't waste your time contacting OM. That gets you nothing

He knows what he did.

[This message edited by Marz at 4:27 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]

A 2 year affair, and sex happened twice? Very unlikely.

I will tell you what I just told another member who is scared to tell the truth.

If telling the OBS the truth ends your marriage, then you have already lost your marriage and your spouse.