SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know it's frowned upon to post in each other's threads. WH is still very much a WH. Still lying, only getting better at it. He was actually reading and posting and I thought taking it all in. But alas, I had to dig more out of him this evening. I don't know why I keep getting sucked into this. Everything he has done is an absolute dealbreaker and the continued lying is just the icing on the cake.

[This message edited by layla1234 at 7:05 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

I am with you Layla.

Where did they get the notion that lying to people would be tolerated?

When I was a very young girl, my parents instilled honesty and integrity.

Our Cheaters must have slept through those lessons

I'm so sorry, Layla.

He also said this forum is making me crazy.

No disrespect here, but if everything is a dealbreaker and you don't break the deal, then it's not. You need to decide how much you are going to take. It took me 7 months to go over to my WWs purse and take my balls out of it, figuratively speaking. My guess is that if you have been married long enough, ones spouse knows exactly what they can expect. A dog always runs to the end of their chain.

@justsomeguy

I guess it might not be a deal breaker if he would just do the work required to reconcile. He still wants to keep their relationship private so I'm back on the divorce wagon. My bullshit meter is ringing off the charts when he tells me he wishes he did sleep with her because then he would have gotten something out of it. I know him way better than he even knows himself.

[This message edited by layla1234 at 8:12 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

I am so sorry. I really hoped he would begin get it.

He also said this forum is making me crazy

Because you are getting support and some good advice that runs counter to his plan, he wants to manipulate YOU into doing what HE wants. When he can’t, he points the finger at anyone but himself.

I’m sorry but if he wants to keep his affair partner private then that would make reconciliation impossible for me.

He also said this forum is making me crazy.

This wouldn't be the first wayward trying to control the outcome. My STBX wanted me to just stop talking about it. Then there were more lies and more talking about it. I felt like you, just wanted the lying to stop. Then I realized that's all he does

I truly hope your H pulls his head out of his arse and real soon. Eventually my love ran out for my STBX and my hope for R. My STBX says he still has hope for our marriage probably hoping I will fall for his lies.

I'm so sorry (((layla1234)))

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 8:39 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

He also said this forum is making me crazy.

Cheaterspeak:

Crazy = BS isn't buying my bullshit lies. Dammit!!

Is this OK with you? How long are you willing to wait?

No, it's never been OK with me. I am filing after the new year. This whole marriage was a lie and I deserve so much better. My kids need a positive role model. Not one that lies to cover his ass.

I deserve so much better.

Yes. Yes you DO.

he tells me he wishes he did sleep with her because then he would have gotten something out of it

Gee Whiz - sorry to hear his affair wasn't 100% satisfying.

So what do you think about giving up the excavation?

I'm asking as someone who kept digging and digging (with someone who refused to tell me one damn detail about anything including primary AP's name). I finally realized I had all I needed to know after probably discovering just the tip of the iceberg. Getting more details wasn't going to change my path.

I guess I hated the idea that he had info I wasn't privy to, but that was a pride thing for me, not a game changer. Once I stopped tormenting myself by trying to put all the puzzle pieces together, a good chunk of my anxiety (and acute pain) went away immediately. Just food for thought.

It never really starts out as digging. He was getting to a point where he was encouraging questions (because he knows he is supposed to, not necessarily because he wants to answer them) and I was not accepting his answers. The way he delivered it was always off. He almost always deflected and minimized. He offered more than what I asked for which in a sense made it unbelieveable. We would just go back and forth, him swearing I know it all and then finally he would crack. Admit 2 or 3 little small details. But in the grand scheme of things, they aren't small at all. It proves he had feelings for her way before he told me he did.

I'm ready to file and the only way I see us being able to ever reconcile is if he gets years and years of productive therapy and works to become a person who could not be capable of this again. That means telling the full truth.

Yep, there is no good in constant lying. It's a trust killer.

Layla I wish they would understand this. 100% honesty is the healing remedy and works like Magic.

Keep reminding him

Honesty

Gratitude

Love

Compassion

It feels great to let them in and kick the lies out. It feels like freedom and letting go of fear and control. Nothing feels better.

Let me get this straight………

I read your “about me.” He put a trail of gummy bears down her body and ate them off of her all the way down to her va-jay-jay and swears he didn’t have sex with her!? Who the heck does he think he’s fooling!?! 😂🤣🤬🤬🤬

And then on top of everything he buys her gummy bears as a birthday present- when he’s not even supposed to be having any contact with her - the same month that you deliver your and his child!?!

Gurrrrrrl.....🙄

I have to tell you that I have read his posts and I found them completely disingenuous but after reading your “about me” I don’t see how his tongue doesn’t jump out of his head and run screaming down the street. 🤷‍♀️

This forum is not making you crazy; it’s opening your eyes and apparently he doesn’t like that. And, honestly, why would he? With you “woke” he can no longer have his gummy bears and eat them too. 😡🤮🤮

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:21 AM, December 13th (Friday)]

That whole gummy bear scenario was a role play conversation that happened at work while they were sitting right next to each other. I'm supposed to believe that they had these graphic, dirty convos and turned each other on (his words) and just carried on their work day like normal. Of course I don't believe that.

He bought her the gummy bears last September, a few weeks after he supposedly made the decision to be all in with us. Claims it was just a really stupid joke. I had my baby this September. She was a result of hysterical bonding and definitely a surprise.

[This message edited by layla1234 at 4:50 AM, December 13th (Friday)]

I’m sorry to hear your WH is digging in heels and refuses to be honest with you.

I agree that he doesn’t like SI because SI is supporting you and holding him accountable. His defensiveness and withholding of information gets called out in Wayward and those with experience are advising you not to let your guard down with him. You are not crazy. You cannot R with someone who will not be honest and forthcoming.

He has 2 paths in my mind; a) total honesty, letting it all come out and throw himself at the mercy of the court (you), or b) he continues withholding information, stays defensive, you file for D and he will blame it all on SI for driving you to this, instead of where it really belongs - his behavior and subsequent refusal to be honest about it.

Unfortunately, my money is on B.

The more they lie and deceive, the easier it is (not that it’s easy!) to proceed with divorce, because there really is no alternative. Trust is foundational to a relationship, and when trust has gone there’s nothing left.

It is classic to blame this website for giving you funny ideas.

My WH said I was spending too much time on that website that just tells you 'all men are bastards'. (You can tell he doesn't actually bother reading it can't you?).

Me: "No, they just tell me YOU are a bastard."