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brokenInDenver (original poster member #71262) posted at 7:01 PM on Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
I contacted one of the OBS yesterday to tell her that her husband was a cheater and had an A with my wife. That was NOT how I phrased it, I was as gentle and compassionate as I could manage but I don't think it mattered much. The OBS seemed... destroyed. I suppose we all felt destroyed on D-day.
I feel like telling the OBS was the right thing to do... right? I mean I would want to know but do you think there are people who would rather not know?
It broke my heart to see her experience that pain. I did the right thing didn't I?
I was reticent to tell her for quite some time but my IC thought it would help me heal to reach out. Mostly because I would want to know but i know part of me wanted to punish my wife's AP as well. It was the right thing to do right?
BS (me) early 50s. WW late 40s. Two step-kids, no children of our own. Still married
Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 7:03 PM on Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
It was the right thing to do. It's like finding a wallet and returning it to its owner with all cash and credit cards intact. The morally right thing to do.
"The wicked man flees when no one chases."
Sanibelredfish ( member #56748) posted at 7:13 PM on Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
As you’ve indicated, you broke the news to her as gently as possible. So, it was what was relayed to her not how it was relayed that saddened her. Make no mistake, his actions are the source of her pain. Hiding his actions from her, when she can be harmed by them, is flat out wrong.
steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 7:29 PM on Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
You did the right thing. It would destroy her if she had no idea. It could be that she knew something was wrong and you confirmed it. Nonetheless, she needs to know what is going on in her life. She needs to be able to protect herself. How I wish someone had told me.
BH(me)72(now); XWW 64; M 42 yrsDDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW 4 years; "dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, liesSeparated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020
Shockedmom ( member #44708) posted at 7:32 PM on Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
It was the right thing to do for many reasons. Her physical health was at risk. Her mental health was possibly at risk given that cheaters may lie, gas light and abuse their BS. You gave her the opportunity to hear the truth and perhaps get her ducks in a row without letting her spouse spin a tale to protect himself.
99problems ( member #59373) posted at 7:42 PM on Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
I wish someone would have told me too. Lots of people knew, and they also knew me, but they never did.
You did the right thing.
Got me a new forum name!<BR />Formerly Idiotmcstupid.<BR />I am divorced, so not as much of an idiot now- 4/15/21,
36yearsgone ( member #60774) posted at 7:45 PM on Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
I feel like telling the OBS was the right thing to do... right? I mean I would want to know but do you think there are people who would rather not know?
Telling was the absolutely right thing to do. You can't supernaturally know whether someone wants to be an ostrich or not (head in the sand). Telling the OBS is kind, considerate and necessary,
I wish those who knew of my wife's affair had told me.
[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 2:24 PM, September 29th (Tuesday)]
If you are absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present in my success.
DragnHeart ( member #32122) posted at 7:46 PM on Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
You did amazing! It was the right normally just thing to do. She can now move forward with the knowledge of what her life really is.
I agree that I wish someone had told me. so many people close to me knew. So many.
Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.
Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 8:21 PM on Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
You did the right thing.
That's from someone who wishes they did the right thing sooner.
You did the right thing.
BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades-2 adult children. Multiple DDays w/same LAP until I told OBS 2018- Cease & Desist sent spring 2021 "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"
gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 8:42 PM on Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
You did the right thing IMO. Her pain is due to her WH's actions - not yours.
You can't supernaturally know whether someone wants to be an ostrich or not (head in the sand). Telling the OBS is kind, considerate and necessary
M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived
It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies
fooled13years ( member #49028) posted at 9:27 PM on Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
brokenInDenver,
It broke my heart to see her experience that pain.
You saw the pain but it was the two WSs that actually caused the pain.
It's like receiving horrible health news about an illness you have, you might be hurt and shocked, but at least you know what you are facing and how best you need to treat the illness.
I did the right thing didn't I?
IMHO you did.
She may not have thought so at the moment but I assume she will come to appreciate what you have done for her.
I removed myself from infidelity and am happy again.
RosesandThorns ( member #71917) posted at 10:35 PM on Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
I am sorry that you have to continue to clean us your WS's messes. The OBW may have wanted to know, or she may wish she didn't. But you could neither predict nor decide that for her. You did the right thing. Perhaps point her towards books/resources that have helped you, as a betrayed spouse, begin to heal.
oldtruck ( member #62540) posted at 10:45 PM on Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
you did the honest thing
your WW and the OM behavior harmed the OMW
achilles1101 ( member #74132) posted at 11:12 PM on Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
It is definitely the right thing to do, for a number of reasons, both moral and practical. In my case OBS knew about the affair almost 4 years before I did and didn't tell me. If I had known then, It could have significantly changed my life. When I called her, she found out the affair hadn't stopped like she thought. We both learned something about the affair.
[This message edited by achilles1101 at 5:13 PM, September 29th (Tuesday)]
Me: BH 56
Her: WW 49 Midlyfewife
Married 20 years, two children
D DAY 1: May 2019 confronted with evidence of PA, sexting, copped to one incident and the sexting
D Day 2: April 2020, after contacting OBS, confessed to 4.5 year long PA, AP much younger
LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 11:33 PM on Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
Yes, absolutely the right thing to do.
A coworker told me about an A my WH was having with a client 20 years ago and I didn’t believe it at the time. My WH brushed it off and convinced me it was all a lie. The client was 20 years his senior and the coworker who told me was jealous as he had a crush on the OW too. But the A, happened.
I wished back then that I had paid better attention, but I had 3 children under 5 years old and ignored my WH’s behaviour.
I hope the OBS is getting help.
September 26 1987 I married a monster. Slowly healing from Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼
20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 11:36 PM on Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
You did the right thing.
If the AP gets stung by it, oh well.
Collateral damage. A bonus!
BW, 54 WH 53 When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas
Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 11:39 PM on Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
Right thing to do.
There’s another poster here in General struggling with telling OBS.
You might weigh in there and tell him your story
"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."
BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19
yellowledbetter ( member #70518) posted at 12:53 AM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020
Absolutely you did the right thing. I wish somebody would have had the decency to tell me. But, turns out none of them were decent!
Me: BW 54, WH 57
LTA, AP 20 yrs younger.
Married 35 yrs, together for 38
3 adult children
DDay Dec19/2018 Attempting Reconciliation….still.
~where there is deep grief, there was great love.
CaptainRogers ( member #57127) posted at 2:20 AM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020
Mostly because I would want to know but i know part of me wanted to punish my wife's AP as well.
There's a difference between being punished and facing the consequences of one's actions. Getting a .45 to the skull would have been punishment. Having to face the wife he cheated on and dealing with the fallout that his infidelity has created is the consequence of his actions.
His wife had the right to know. You did the exact right thing in telling her as gently as possible.
BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical
stillfrozen ( new member #75515) posted at 3:05 AM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020
Honestly, it’s what helps you heal.
I reached out to my AP’s partner as well. However, they had already separated. I reached out because I felt like if he were to ever take her back, he should know what a homewrecking POS she is.
In my situation, when I informed the AP’s ex partner, he thanked me. He was so happy to know what a vile, nasty woman she was. He has since moved on and is now in a happy relationship, and he reached out to me every so often and thanks me.
Everyone handles their affairs differently, however, I think its the right thing to do.
Me: BS, 30
Him: WH, 31
D-Day: 09/09/2019 two weeks before our wedding.
Currently: R
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