SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey everyone, it's been a while since I've been here. It's been 4 1/2 years since Dday and The Reckoning... the realization WW is a SA and had massive issues that needed to be addressed.

I obviously believe she has been doing a decent job at R or I wouldn't still be here. She's done almost a complete 180... maybe call it a 170... since The Reckoning. But that's not what this post is about.

I'm now 38. I'm still in pretty good shape by most people's standards but put on about 15 covid pounds. I've started losing my hair, and even just ordered some Rogaine. I've gotten a couple "old person" injuries playing softball. I'm finally accepting that I am getting older, and moving past my prime. WW is too--she's having the same type of normal, late 30's aging issues most people have.

What has been bothering me lately is the "missing out" that I did. As much as I have been proud of my integrity in never touching another woman in our 15 years of marriage, I'm a man. I would have loved to get attention or get physical with other women. But I loved my wife and my family enough to not even bat an eyelash at another woman, even after discovering how unfaithful she had been. Meanwhile... WW has had EA/PA encounters with 5 different men in that time period. She had her fun, so to speak. I've started feeling a type of jealousy that isn't aimed at her being with other men... but aimed at the fact she got to have fun and I didn't. That we're getting older and I "wasted" my prime being monogamous with someone who never was with me.

I feel like this is a little taboo somehow. Like, I'm married, I should have accepted that I'd never be with another woman when I got married at 24. And I did. And we had good sex, but as is typical with As, but even MORE typical when SA is involved, our sex life got much worse after D Day... then add 2 kids into the mix. And if she hadn't had affairs, I don't think I would be thinking this way... it somehow feels very unfair, and has really hit me as we get older, get more out of shape, get more tired and our kids get older. My time to have had fun has officially ended.

It's not an easy thing to talk about with WW, because who wants to hear "Hey, I wish I had gotten to have sex with other women and I'm jealous you had that fun and I didn't." But it's the truth.

I guess this is a new type of jealousy for me. How have other people dealt with this feeling? Am I weird for even thinking this way? Is it a sign I need to work on myself in new, different ways?

I find it interesting that this is a "new" jealously for you... This jealousy was one of the first things that I experienced after D-Day for me!

Am I weird for even thinking this way?

The only thing I find weird is the length of time before onset of these feelings.

I harbored more jealousy and resentment for it because I not only didn't consider other women, I didn't consider myself either, as I didn't masturbate for 10 years so I could turn to her for everything as a religious commitment.

So I feel like such a complete sucker for being faithful and for putting her sexuality on such a pedestal.

I confess I am quite blind to missed opportunities, simply because I'm not wired that way. At one workplace there was a gal, very pretty, kinda slutty reputation and I found out later that I was on her "to do" list. I had no idea. That would have been fun. At my last workplace one of the middle-management, very pretty, no ring would greet me with a big smile, chat in the break room. That was probably an opportunity too.

How have other people dealt with this feeling?

I don't really think about it much, but since I'm not in R it does strike me from time to time that I'm missing out on some fun rebounds by waiting to R with an uncooperative spouse.

Also, I predict your "what could have been" will go the way mine did, they will hit harder once you pass 50.

In my opinion what you are feeling is very normal.

You sound very reasonable and normal Twice.

I think we all spend some time in this exact space you’re in now.

I just had to really dig down and figure out what I wanted — not from the past — but today, tomorrow, and whatever time I have left.

I’m mid-50’s now, so that aging stuff is kicking in quite a bit, more gray, and my hairline is drifting back.

I’m older, but not necessarily wiser.

I do find we tend to hit what we aim for with our perspective.

Looking back, I don’t see my wife’s affair as her happy, fun time. I see her and our family friend AP as two people at their very lowest form of existence. Hiding in shadows, lying to their families and never really having anything to brag about when he unceremoniously dumped her like a bad habit. I certainly used to focus on what had to be "exciting" and the wow factor of illicit sex in an abandoned parking lot — until I saw the look on my wife’s face as she revealed the details. She wasn’t proud. She wasn’t reliving fond memories. She was facing the worst version of herself and she was surprised how low she went, blocking out some of the worst of it, until I insisted on as much recall as possible.

My wife was treated far worse by AP - mentally and physically- than anything I had ever done or said. She tolerated it to keep the limerence alive, the escape was more important that the consequences, including her well being.

This doesn’t change my pain or allow me to accept ANY of her shitty choices. For her, it’s a reminder that none of what happened was worth it, then or now. It’s why she planned to take the shameful secret to her grave. If it was fun and the time of her life, she wouldn’t have spent a decade or so trying to pretend it never happened.

Anyway - that’s not why I’m in a better place now.

I’m in a better place now because my wife and I have been rebuilding every part of our relationship. We’re having fun, in and out of the bedroom.

It’s so tough getting back to vulnerable, but it’s been worth the work.

I know you’re a good father trying to keep his family together. You’re allowed to ask for more than just holding the team together.

Infidelity is always a deal breaker.

If you’re going to stay, your new deal should be better than the old one.

To me, the only reason to stay is to be in a relationship worthy of you and your time.

In my world, the trauma of it all will always be a visible emotional scar. It’s why we’ve worked so hard on our R, so that we can try to make up for lost time. We can’t actually make up for lost time — it’s just fun trying to do that anyway.

Shave you head, get on a bicycle, eat healthy, divorce you wife, and go have fun. Nothing stopping you. 38 is a very good age for single men. You get your pick from late twenties to forties women that are more experienced and know what they want. The dating pool is great for you right now.

If you actually think staying with your wife is better, then the grass is greener where you water it.

I'm the wife of a recovering SA.

So. I think, as a man, most of being past your prime and not having the opportunity to experience others, is well, bunk. You are a man.

Let's face it, men looking for new, younger women is a thing. My oldest is 17. He's the only one in his group with a sibling that's 3 is fully related to the oldest kid and parents. (Though one of his friends has an adopted sibling that's younger..about 6...) Trophy wife isn't some urban legend. Having a second family, so to speak, is very common.

Shit happens. I am morbidly obese, I have four kids, and I'm dealing with cancer, which means I'm freaking bald like the Mr. Clean dude on chemo. Oh. And my cancer: breast cancer. Which means I either won't have breasts, or they are going to be even more bruised/marked up/scarred than they are from biopsies and chemo . I'm like at the bottom of the barrel when it comes to physical attractiveness.

I like to think about having breast cancer and being married to a SA as a very good bit of irony.

I do regret frittering away my youth. My attractiveness is only a small part of it. At 26, I was newly married. But no responsibilities, really, not in the way I have them now. That is what I miss. The easiness of it. The simplicity of life. Everything could be viewed through a black and white lens and binary answers (yes/no) could answer question.. That's the fun that I miss. Now, I live in a world of grey options, grey decisions..none of them easy. My life consists now of living with the least worst of bad options. I don't get opportunities to pick between good options. Losing my kids half time is not a good option. Losing 25-30 of my net income for child support and alimony is not a good option. Losing half my retirement with 10-12 years to go is not a good option. Staying with my husband isn't a great option, either.

I'm not jealous of my husband. The plan fact is when he is an active addict, he selfishly uses people. Using people for your own skewed needs is a not a good thing, at least for me. I don't use people. I don't condone it. And I don't teach my kids that using others is OK.

I also think youth is a state of mind. I'm 46. People always assume I'm in my very late 30s, despite having some grey hair when I have hair. Even my kids call me the young one and my husband the old fart. We are both 46.

We process when we need to. It generally takes me a year to get to the angry stage after DDays. (We've had two, seven years apart.) This last time, it took me 3 years to work through the angry phase. It is what it is.

The only option I do have really, is to keep moving forward, no matter how small that step is.

[This message edited by secondtime at 7:40 PM, Wednesday, August 11th]

I’m almost 4 years post dday and I understand your feelings completely. I recently helped my daughter move into this cool loft in a massive old factory full of interesting people. I came home and told my husband that I wish he had had the balls to be honest for those 10 months he was having the affair, so that I could have gotten the chance to be on my own and feel young and free for that time. I’m older, but I still remember those pleasant feelings of infatuation from my youth and how good it felt to have those feelings reciprocated- I even experienced it in a recent dream.

There is no justice in reconciliation after betrayal. I accept that, but it doesn’t stop a part of me for longing for lost youth and lost opportunity. I accept that too.

HCSDI -- Maybe I shouldn't say it's new... it's always been there. I think as many of the other bad feelings are processed and dealt with, this one stands out more and becomes more acute as I get older. And yes, I feel like a sucker too. That's a big part of it... I had opportunities too, and I passed on them because I was a sucker. I do assume these feelings will get worse as I get older, unless I find the right way to deal with them.

OW... that's a good point that her A times were not fun and happy, necessarily. I know that is at least partly true. But I also know that she had thoroughly convinced herself she was leaving me during her first A, so I think whatever shame she has from that is buried very deeply, and she "acted" and felt single during that time while I did the Pick Me dance. AP (hell, all of them) all treated her like crap emotionally, and certainly treated her worse physically and sexually. I am certain she *liked* some of the sexual part of it, since we have been a little more open and risque about our sexual wants and needs since the A's (which may be a silver lining, as painful as it is to think about). I guess you're right though, trying to make up for lost time is a good way of looking at it... it just seems very difficult to do that since we have 2 young children and are both on antidepressants with libido-stifling side effects. Our adventures are rarer than before D Day... one of the awful parts about her disclosing when she was 7 months pregnant with our first.

SW, ST... thanks for your input. I also wish WW had been open with me at the time, so I could have made my own decisions in the moment about what to do. But of course, A's don't happen that way. I too have had dreams, not even focused on sex, just the feeling of reciprocated infatuation, butterflies. I've had a few, and I am always sad when I wake up. And, of course... youth is a state of mind. I need to remember that. ST, my heart goes out to you for what you have to go through right now. Being the spouse of a SA is a rollercoaster no one should be on.

TIF.... shave my head, get on a bike, divorce, have fun with all the late 20-40s women that would go for me. That sounds way better than I'd like to admit, to be honest.

Thanks for the input everyone. I have some more thoughts I'll get down in a bit.

TW

In my years of working on my healing, I found two types of psychoanalysis most helpful, both of which can be done on your own by listening to YouTube videos, podcasts and books, and simply journaling your responses to the questions asked rather than discussing with a therapist.

The first is Internal family systems therapy, which helps you to sort out the feelings of all the different parts of yourself, with curiosity and understanding, and bring them under control of your true Self.

The second is brief solution-based therapy, more superficial but shockingly effective, which basically helps you to imagine in great detail your best hopes for your days ahead. By going into extreme detail, those hopes are solidified in your neural pathways, almost like a real memory, making it much easier for your brain to go there in day-to-day living. It actually brought back joy I hadn’t felt in years.

Dealing with the injustice of being cheated on and keeping myself out of anger and self-pity has been the most difficult task of my life thus far. From my reading here, and from discussions with my IRL support group of infidelity survivors, that seems like the norm.

I wish you and everyone here only the best.

38 is young. Hell, I started roller derby at 43 and played for five years. Quit telling yourself that you're an old man and get out there and have some fun. (Within reason, of course. lol)

I get what you're saying about the sex though. I've been married since 20 and have only been with my H. I get pissed sometimes that our first kiss was supposed to be the last first kiss both of us had, and he had three more. He had new relationship butterflies with someone else. Of course, he also got to carry the shame, so it's tainted, but hey.

[This message edited by 13YearsR at 2:44 PM, Friday, August 13th]

I'm still trying to digest the idea of 38 being "past prime." I find the idea literally painful.

Peace!

You are no longer 21 but at 38 you are still quite young. Take care of yourself physically and it will boost your confidence.

Wow, you swallowed a lot of shit in staying from what you have disclosed. I would have left her a long time ago. It will be a miracle if she never cheats again in my opinion. Hopefully, I am wrong.

Do not cheat, but do not stay if you are unhappy or the ghosts of her past infidelities incessantly haunt you. Co-parenting does work if both parties put the children first. I had to do it.

If you are nice-looking and have something to offer, you will find a decent woman out there with whom you can build a good life. I am almost twice your age and I would start over if I had to.

I am divorcing my STBXWW after two decades together, and once the D goes through I plan on becoming a manwhore.

13--Yup, I am pissed that our last "everything" turned into last for me... but definitely not for her. Super upsetting when thinking of it in that way.

Ok ok, I know 38 isn't past my prime. But is IS past my sexual prime, to be blunt. Things don't work quite as well as they used to, and part of that is the antidepressants and part is age.

Anyway, for some more juicy info, I'm almost not sure why I'm saying this part. But one of the big reasons these feelings are coming out now is that WW proposed a threesome with us and another woman. Yup. It did not happen, but there was definitely a day where she was looking around for a different partner for us, and a fun, attractive woman was very interested in me, and then WW and I decided it was very much NOT for the best. Of course I let her 100% be in control of what she'd be comfortable with.

Now.. I have never advocated or pushed for that, and I haven't gotten a super clear answer on why she suddenly decided this--it happened out of the blue. I do think it would be super fun and exciting (duh, I guess). She's mentioned a few times in our past that she was mildly interested in women and it might be fun to experiment, but I do also think there was a smidge of her trying to make up for her past mistakes. And I have no idea whether that would be a good thing or not, and we did talk a bit about how it may be a slippery slope for her but with full and complete communication it would be ok. Either way, it caught me off guard when she first brought it up. And I found myself having trouble shaking the thought of that other woman that was interested me. WW and I even talked about it, and I told her I didn't like opening that door because it felt very strange and I didn't want to have trouble closing it, and apparently I am.

So... that's where I am now.

And yes, WW has definitely put me through a LOT of shit. I don't think I would be here if it weren't for the fact D Day was when she was 7 months pregnant with a daughter we desperately wanted and tried very hard to have, and I couldn't bear the thought of only getting 50% time (at most) for those early months and years. And WW put in an insane amount of effort... our MC and my IC have said it's a miracle she managed to dig herself out of the hole she was in. And yeah, it left me in her wake as a shattered husk of a man, which I've spent 5 years healing from.

Could we D so I could go have adventures? Yeah, sure. I've been very clear where my boundaries are and she spent a good deal of time in recovery learning what her top lines and bottom lines are, and has adhered to them and been very open and transparent. And I like the life we've built together. So I stay, and I have to deal with and process all of these weird feelings.

Sorry if this is TMI, and I guess trigger warning for strippers and prostitutes.

My wife and I have, on occasion, gotten a shared lapdance. FWIW, solo lapdances are off limits. If we were to do a threesome, it would be with a pro where it's legal. No entanglements.

Just a thought.

Not TMI, actually very relevant. If I can be honest, our escapade was in Vegas where it was legal, and we were going to do it the "official" way.

When that didn't work out as planned, that was when WW said we could likely find someone fun and interested around town. That's when it got weird.

I mean, brother, 38 is not old! You’re prime age for finding another woman who is a much better prospect than this Proverbs 30:20 creature who has betrayed you with no fewer than 5 men. Serial cheaters are terrible prospects for reconciliation. R is a dicey prospect even with the “best” wayward spouses.

I’ve done threesomes, but only when I was single. In a committed relationship? Maybe if I thought the end was already in sight. With a SA fWW who wants to satisfy a curiosity about sex with a woman? That slippery slope could become a cliff with no warning.

38? Old? I was having sex nearly nonstop at that time. Now, in my 60's I feel it. Numerous surgeries and life is tough.

That slippery slope could become a cliff with no warning.

I think this says it all. Be faithful to yourself.

Oh

I think inviting another person in the bedroom is only going to work for a very small percentage of relationships. And certainly not one that has involved infidelity. Seems like she is wanting to relieve some guilt by telling herself that you guys have invited other people so her cheating wasn't so bad. Or she is bi and just wants to have sex with a woman without being branded a cheat again.