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If the statement "they always used protection" means to say he never went bareback, then I agree he is almost certainly lying! If it means she told him she was using birth control then OK, that is probably true. His always using condoms simply didn't happen unless he also always uses them with you.

He needs to understand that this is very important because if you catch him lying it can create another D-Day and set your trust back to zero. It will throw everything he has previously said into question. You can only have that happen so many times before you finally say "We're done!" and mean it.

This is why it is so important that he gets into IC. He needs to understand that he must be completely truthful with you even though he may be terrified of what your reaction to the truth will be.

I think you should let him know that because you are seriously questioning the truthfulness of some his answers, such as never having gone bareback, that you are going to require that he take a polygraph test.

yep - check findings with the other OBS. are you checking Bahama's story here on SI as well? im not sure the OW has ever said that protection was used.

MC was a huge help to me as well ladybug. It’s often suggested that IC happens first and I don’t disagree with that - but if you’re lucky enough to find a good MC, then it certainly helps with communication and ownership after dday. My MC validated me and the intense emotions I was feeling. It was a wake up call to my husband and gave me the strength to stand my ground on my boundaries.

Did your WH meet the AP through the sport? There’s no other crossover link?

Perhaps you got an MC that understands about adultery and holds him to account, Ladybug. About 70% of betrayed spouses will have PTSD. I'd suggest that you find an IC with expertise in PTSD and EMDR as well as adultery. If the MC ever gets to the point of suggesting exploring what you did in the marriage that may have contributed to the adultery shut it down quick.

You sound strong even if you don't think you are. Stay that way. Stay in control. Best wishes.

the 'why' really is just sex im afraid. men are programmed that way, its just civilization that can contain it. hard as it is to hear your WS is a 'bad boy alpha'. you will need to watch him for as long as you are with him

Ladybug,

In case you couldn't smell it already, this is complete BS.

1) An A isn't "just sex," it's lying (to self and others) and betraying one's vows, values, and integrity. The why isn't: "why did he want to have sex?" It's: "why was he able to lie to and betray you, and himself, for THIS sex--and anything else he got out of the A?"

2) This should go without saying. But: no woman should accept the "my penis made me do it" or "civilization is so hard for men" excuse. It's just another tired minimization and blame-shifting tactic, and the complete opposite of accountability.

3) "Alphas" don't slink around and lie like cowards to their devoted mates. They either openly refuse to commit to any one woman, fearless of not having the comfort and stability of a single partner, or they choose a woman who they know is their match and equal, and treat her accordingly.

4) In my experience, "bad boys" are never true alphas. They are guys who try to make up for their lack of real character and integrity by "acting out" in ways they hope will look exciting and sexy to others. That's the heart of the "bad boy" persona. On the inside, they are usually a hot mess of neurosis and insecurity. Neil Strauss is a great example.

5) No one here has even close to enough information about your WS to call him an "alpha" or a "bad boy." Being wealthy makes you neither. If the label seems "off" to you, it's probably because it is.

You are doing an amazing, Ladybug. This horrendous phase of non-stop, all-over pain will end. In time, you will start to gain more clarity. And as strong as you already are, you are going to come out of this so much stronger.

Hugs

Yes. this^^^^^^^ WorstClubEver is right. The whys are complex. They involve digging and peeling back many layers of the onion. Wanting sex is the surface answer. It goes much deeper. The WS needs to explore their source of selfishness and entitlement - where and how they learned it.

I assume they had oral sex. That is very,very,very rarely protected.

Dont have sex with him until he's had a full panel of std tests, and you have the printed out results in your hand.

Agree with those above, "just sex" is a cop-out and is not a "why".

Most all cheaters lie a lot. He's in self preservation mode at this time.

Don't take any blame for his affair in MC. If the MC tries that or attempts to rugsweep. Walking out is your best option.

ok ladies you all believe what you wish to believe. Sex is an incredibly powerful motivator for a man. Monstrous men are wiling to risk serving a substantial prison sentence to get it. High Libido, low conscientious guys can be willing to risk it all to get it.

granted, the WS may or may not be an Alpha. but the idea he is not a bad boy is farcical.

If it were me I'd tell him to go to IC first. Let him fix himself before any attempt at R or MC

It would though be fair to analyse his childhood / any FOO issues for insight here.

I tend to look at the bottom of posts to see when posters have joined Surviving Infidelity. I also check out how many posts they have. I tend to put more stock into the advice from someone that has been here five years and has nearly 10,000 posts over someone who, say, joined last month. But that’s just me.

Some posters here practically have an “advanced degree” in Surviving Infidelity. They have pretty much seen it all. I would trust THEIR advice.

Ladybug, I wish I could be more gentle in my evaluation of people I do not know but there are just some things you have to be honest with yourself about. This man has lied to you for nearly a year. Every single day. That is the first thing you have to deal with. The second thing is that they had gone as far as talking about leaving you and her husband. They had written it out. The third thing is that your husband today is the very same person he was the day before you found out. He was a cheater and a liar. Right now what I read is someone scared to death he’s going to lose money. It sounds like he is fairly wealthy and if there is no pre-nup then you are entitled to a great deal of money. There is a poster on here who says it’s all about sex. I do know from asking male friends and family members what their response is when they see a woman. When they are honest they will say if she is not too young or too old the thought of sex does cross their minds. It might be just a second but it is there. These were two people who spent more and more time together. What started out as a possible friendship slowly slowly slowly morphed into a relationship. To be honest I would be less troubled by the sex than I would be about their plans for the future. You need a bulldog for a lawyer. If you decide to stay in the marriage make sure there is money transferred into an account for you that will not be part of marital income in case of divorce. You need to be strong enough to protect your future regardless of R or D.

My perpective:

If a wayward says "it was just sex", it’s just the wayward trying to reassure the betrayed that there’s no emotional component in the affair . That "reassurance " doesn’t work for many reasons of course.

The above poster said something different, pretty much saying that the sole motivation of all men in all affairs is sex. That’s easy to disprove.

Worstclubever talk about "just sex" as a justification of an affair. I agree to her post. In fact, I can’t imagine any justification for an affair, M or W.

Posting as a member:

ok ladies you all believe what you wish to believe. Sex is an incredibly powerful motivator for a man.

While I’m sure we ladies appreciate your condescending mansplaining, if sex is the motivator, why don’t all men cheat? Why don’t SI’s BH’s have a dozen AP’s? They don’t like sex maybe? Hmmm - not from what they’ve posted. Maybe because they can’t find an AP? No...if we’re to believe their threads, they haven’t looked for one. Could it be that there’s a difference between a faithful man and a cheating man? That perhaps there’s a character flaw in the WH that needs exploring and fixing?

Monstrous men are wiling to risk serving a substantial prison sentence to get it.

Rape has nothing to do with sex. Rape is about power and control. Rape is about hate and objectification. Sex just happens to be the method by which they achieve the power and control. It’s why even when rapists are chemically castrated, many still sexually assault victims - even without erections or ejaculation.

Sorry for the threadjack ladybug. Remember, take what you need here and push the rest to the side. Don’t ignore it - sometimes we need to revisit ideas we initially rejected. But I have confidence you can tell the difference.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:40 PM, March 5th (Tuesday)]

Was never a runner. After my divorce I picked up weight lifting and running. I did not do IC post divorce.

I’ll never forget, about a year after the divorce I was running a 5 mile run, and 3 miles in I started balling like a baby. The emotions finally came out. It was therapeutic for me.

Could it be that there’s a difference between a faithful man and a cheating man? That perhaps there’s a character flaw in the WH that needs exploring and fixing?

of course. most men in relationships simply have enough self control. some don't. nothing complex here. and what if the character flaw is simply genetic? how do you fix that? the view that this is how his mum and/or dad nurtured him in childhood rather than his raw nature i believe to be tenuous. but im sure he can explore it un IC.

....low conscientious guys can be willing to risk it all to get it.......That perhaps there’s a character flaw in the WH that needs exploring and fixing?

I think it is more a matter of being or not being conscientious vs being a guy. Regardless of gender, people who are not conscientious will do all manner of unconscionable things......guy or gal. Generally, character is doing the right thing when no one is watching. Everyone that cheats/betrays has some level of character flaw.

[This message edited by DIFM at 6:13 AM, March 6th (Wednesday)]

While I’m sure we ladies appreciate your condescending mansplaining, if sex is the motivator, why don’t all men cheat? Why don’t SI’s BH’s have a dozen AP’s? They don’t like sex maybe?

Because many men are not attracted to the women that

would cheat with them so they pass on the offer.

Because many men will not affair down.

Because many men were lucky that they got a wife as

hot as the one they got. Do not want to risk losing

her. And they cannot pull in another one as hot let

alone hotter than his wife.

Because even though they find other women attractive

they do not want to cheat because they would not

want their wife to cheat on them.

Because they are not woman magnets, so they do not

get tempted with offers to cheat.

Because the sex thing is always there. When a man

looks at a women what registers is how attractive

she is and if she could be the one to be his wife.

Because having a wife in the end means sex, which

results in family.