SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I agree with rambler. I do remember Walloped taking the high road and not telling the kids and his daughter immediately blamed him until his WW broke down and took responsibility.

Lean on family, let them and friends know what's going on so if you struggle, they will understand and not think that you have changed as a person.

Your wife needs to rebuild herself. Don't let what she did destroy relationships you have

As long as she has that job, you will not fully R.

This is not always true, especially given the circumstances of their job. My WH did not change jobs. He saw OW only when he was at her location, which at the time of the A was 8 months in a row to deal with a major issue. That time was ending when DDay occurred. After that, he minimized his time seeing OW so if they were together it was in a conference room with others. He told me of every instance (2) where she tried to draw him into personal discussions. She quickly moved on and got pregnant by another married M. As the years have passed (H was 3 levels higher than her at the time but was not her boss), she moved to a different location, was promoted one level, he was promoted 3- and now when he is there he doesn't even have meetings where she is in attendance. He has not laid eyes on her in two years.

And as far as telling the kids...do some online research as to the effect this information has on even adult kids. (Mine were at home 12 and 15, when it happened and they do know.) My younger one still struggles to love her dad the way she once did.

As to the BH somehow getting the "blame" by others looking into a situation...he has PROOF. Texts and her admission. Anyone who won't accept the proof is not worth wasting time on, IMO.

I think some of that attitude comes from what I said before about the higher a women's socioeconomic status the higher the likelihood she will commit adultery. I think with the equal status to men economically some of the same mindset that men have ( it is just sex) enters their thought process. Some may disagree I am sure. Not trying to start a debate or make excuses. It still sucks.

There are a couple of books out there that covers this in detail called "Womens Infidelity", book one and two, by Michelle Langley. I downloaded a free pdf of both somewhere so if google the title then "free pdf" in the keyword search it might be in the results. Anyway, although the books were not actual supported research the material was quite insightful.

Dear Timetoact,

ONE thing I'm thinking is this her first affair?

Where there is one RAT there are 20!

I found the polygraph revealed others.

Take care brother!

As long as she has that job, you will not fully R.

Sorry, not buying that one. If my wife carries this affair on with a guy over 2000 miles away that she has expressed no real emotional feeling for, whose wife knows, and who is himself in total CYA mode, then I have more to worry about than this guy. She has already turned over all passwords, will give me a printed out copy of all meeting itineraries, and she might see him in the same room with 10 or 20 other people once every 6 weeks if that, maybe less.

My opinion would be 100% different if they worked in an office together or even in proximity.

As to the BH somehow getting the "blame" by others looking into a situation...he has PROOF. Texts and her admission. Anyone who won't accept the proof is not worth wasting time on, IMO.

LateBloomer, thank you. I am not worried about blame at this point. My kids would be more likely to blame me if i laid all this crap on them and then stayed married. If I divorce, they will know it all.

Dear Timetoact,

ONE thing I'm thinking is this her first affair?

Where there is one RAT there are 20!

I found the polygraph revealed others.

Take care brother!

BINGO!!!! All The Hurt. I am 99% this little sordid hook up thing is stopped. The answers to your comments are next on the list of MUST FIND OUT. more reason for a polygraph.

Timetoact,

As I believe that she or OM need to quit that job, I must admit that you got a point that he lives far away but consider these:

Their affair was not infront other, was at nigth when other CW couldnt see them. (Maybe some of then even enabled the encounters, you should ask in the poly);

One thign she has learned for sure is that if ahe wants to hook up with him she will be much more careful, so even if she has gave yiu all her passwords, etc, itdoesnt mean she wont contact him while away.

The thing with cheaters is that they try to remain friends, it may be her case.

Cheater lie, sorry but at this point yiu just cant believe her.

She may spend time with him is extra actibities at the trios as she will try to act normal, it mqy scalate.

Until you know she is 100% remorse and just not regrets been caugth you can not start trusting her.

Until poly comes you may assume there is more.

Until her toxic frien is gone for good, by her own will, yuo can trusth her.

Good luck

Timetoact,

Regarding the "just sex" thing. I have a hard time believing that things are just sex in an ongoing relationship. An ONS with no contact afterwards might have been just sex, but not when they do it frequently or keep in contact.

They never cuddled after sex? Did they ever spend the night, maybe more than one time?

And if it was only sex why didn't she want to cut contact? You can give her sex, right?

[This message edited by nuance at 1:15 PM, January 26th (Tuesday)]

you don't feel it now because you are being rational, but those are the thoughts that will plague you 24/7 when she is gone on her trips. It will also set you back to Step 0 on your healing path.

In order for you to heal there needs to be complete and thorough no contact - unconditionally.

My suggestion is if you are looking to help out this guy, then to tell him that he has three months to find a new job before you are going to HR with all of the data. The guy fucked your wife and knew very well the consequences of doing so. So outside of revenge, it is cosmically nothing that isn't right, it's the ONLY path which will allow you to heal.

If he's this fast riser as you say he is then he should have no problem finding another job.

only word of caution. This same situation happened with someone i worked with though the parties involved did not work at the same company. They did both attend the same conferences. Got caught, huge blow up, NC established, counciling, the whole nine yards. was over. Then a couple of years later i was going out for an early morning run. Who was coming out of her room. my coworker. Had a few drinks at the bar, called her on the house phone, went up to just talk. Claimed he slipped and it never happened before and wouldn't happen again. two weeks later saw him and his spouse looking like newlyweds. This was before my situation so kept my nose out of it. Not sure i would now

If they attend the same meetings, you, the other spouse, or a friendly face needs to be there. no question.

I'm confused, are you considering R?

Quite some time ago when my wife was not travelling as much as I was she once casually remarked that if I had a ONS on road that she would rather not know, as long as I did not repeat it. I never paid any attention to that statement and certainly never said the same thing.

Timetoact

If you saw the same women more than once you might become emotionally attached to her. Your wife wanted to be assured that wouldn’t happen so she asked for the “no repeat” clause in your marriage contract.

In general women are more upset when their spouse has an EA than when they have a PA. Men tend to be the reverse. If you think about it this on a biological level it makes a lot of since.

A wife knows that all of her children are hers. Until DNA a husband couldn’t be sure. His only assurance was a faithful wife. That’s why sex bothers men more. They didn’t want to expend their resources on another man’s child.

A woman wanted to keep a man around to provide resources for her children’s survival. If he gets another woman pregnant it doesn’t matter unless he runs off with her and takes his resources with him. That’s why just sex isn’t all that bad and emotional affairs are.

I think some of that attitude comes from what I said before about the higher a women's socioeconomic status the higher the likelihood she will commit adultery.

Timetoact

This fits too. The more money she has the less she needs a man’s resources. She has enough to take care of her kids without a man and can risk losing him.

I think some women feel that they are being faithful to their husband if they have no intention of ever running off with the OM. The relationship is what’s important after all.

[This message edited by Graywolf at 2:44 PM, January 26th (Tuesday)]

Timetoact: I've read all of your posts. About half-way through I noticed I began to smile every time you wrote that you are still considering divorce. If it makes you feel better to say this then more power to you. But the fact is you really aren't all the freaked out over the sex and you like her company so you are going to move on like nothing happened. And she will learn not to be so sloppy and let you find out about the next dude. After all, as she said she doesn't understand why if it was 'just sex' you are so darn upset about it.

I think you should just tell her to completely hide her sexual escapades from you and then move on. You don't really care - you just think you should.

Timetoact: I've read all of your posts. About half-way through I noticed I began to smile every time you wrote that you are still considering divorce. If it makes you feel better to say this then more power to you. But the fact is you really aren't all the freaked out over the sex and you like her company so you are going to move on like nothing happened. And she will learn not to be so sloppy and let you find out about the next dude. After all, as she said she doesn't understand why if it was 'just sex' you are so darn upset about it.

I think you should just tell her to completely hide her sexual escapades from you and then move on. You don't really care - you just think you should.

Drifter, I will say, yours is the first post that has pissed me off so I am going to respond. It seems that there are a few folks here that have assumed that because I have not created a nuclear explosion in everyones life that I know that I am a happy camper. If that was the measure of doing the right thing, then about 99% of the guys on here, and most of the women, have not in the first week, killed the affair, threw their spouse out, filed divorce papers, told the kids, told the employer, and no need to go on.

If not doing that yet means i have just accepted this, then either some of you are not reading or not wanting to comprehend.

Now lets recap what I HAVE DONE

(1) put her out of the marital bedroom

(2) seen an attorney and can have divorce papers to hand to her in less time than it will take you to get to work

(3) told my wife it was ending immediately.

(4) gotten access to everything she owns that is electronic

(5) told this forum that she does not interact with OM on company e mail daily or have any need to because they are in different zones on different parts of country

(6) gotten a written timeline recommended by everyone

(7) talked to OM wife, which will be verified by a conversation tomorrow and a PI if necessary

(8) scared the shit out of OM enough to have him confess to his wife.

(9) will confirm tomorrow that he is at the meeting that she backed out of.

Now for less than a few weeks, from what I have read here that is not bad. just my opinion

And to top it off, i will be asking my wife to take more than one polygraph test, which at this point I have no reason to believe she will refuse.

IF THAT SOUNDS LIKE DOING NOTHING TO ANYONE I GUESS WE ARE SPEAKING A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE.

Now, if my wife quits her job tomorrow as some suggest and get another job making 100K instead of what she is making now, then in the ten more years she plans to work that means even if she gets a job immediately, me trying to impress on how tough i can be just cost me both of the vet school and med school that her salary is paying for my kids. For a little while longer illl just be a pussy.

Now, my wife has agreed she is not going to talk to this guy, she is not going to go near him at any meetings, and since I agree I have no fucking way to insure that, the question will be in some format on a polygraph test.

There is no one involved here, (OM, his wife, or my wife) that has any doubt that there jury is still out here. And by the way his wife is not playing total victim and must be reading somewhere because from what she said to me he will be on tight leash himself.

my wife did a terrible thing, and i will not stand for any more of it. I have the details of the sex, and it was hard to swallow but if i fucked my secretary, who is a knockout, I am sure i would enjoy it also. like i said, when i read about all these WW who tell their husbands PM had ED, or the sex was terrible, i am amazed anyone believes that.

I apologize if I have come across as harsh. I am doing the best I can right now. But just because I am not falling apart certainly does not mean I do not care about the sex.

Tomorrow will be an important day. OM better be at that conference and his wife better come up with the right answers.

Sorry for the rant.

You're doing better than most, Timetoact.

People do that kind of stuff, get caught, and never do it again. Others are repeat offenders. Like those of us who R you are doing whatever you can to reconcile and betting on the former, not the latter.

Of course, even if you succeed in R it'll take years, you will have tons of bad days and it will be on the back of your mind forever. But if your WW never cheats again it will be worth it and your marriage will be better. There's nothing wrong in fighting like you're doing right now. I truly wish you both good luck.

No second chances, though. This should be it.

TTA;

You are doing just fine. As I said earlier, there is speaking from experience and there is projecting one's own situation onto yours.

We have a saying here "Take what is helpful and leave the rest".

You will be fine whether you D or R.

Hey, hold on. As you said, his post is the first one that pissed you off. There's no need to slam some of the betrayed wives/husbands here, simply because theDrifter pissed you off. Clearly, he doesn't believe in reconciliation. Fine for him, but many of us do, and have. And those bs's who do believe their husband couldn't get it up, or left in the middle of sex with AP...or who have a ww swear her ap couldn't get it up...have been traumatized...just like you. They're clinging to a bit of hope. Most of them realize soon enough that sex happened, and their spouse enjoyed it.

You are doing fine. The advice to have her quit her job, is coming from people who know that NOT being completely nc makes it very hard for a bs to heal. Not impossible, but harder. However, I agree with you. The will see each other very rarely, and there's no need to talk.

You are a brand new betrayed husband. You have accomplished a lot since dday. Don't let the words of one member cause you to paint us all with the same brush.

The mods are great at what they do. And posts like the one that pissed you off, are not ok on the jfo forum.

[This message edited by confused615 at 5:49 PM, January 26th (Tuesday)]

"Of course, even if you succeed in R it'll take years, you will have tons of bad days and it will be on the back of your mind forever. But if your WW never cheats again it will be worth it and your marriage will be better. There's nothing wrong in fighting like you're doing right now. I truly wish you both good luck"

Nuance: As much as I respect what you are trying to say, I would be very careful about posting things like this statement. The harsh reality is that you do not know if the OP's marriage will be one of those RARE marriages that come out stronger after infidelity. Regardless if a spouse is remorseful or cheats again, statistically and from personal experience, I rarely see those marriages where both parties are truly happy after infidelity. I'm not saying that there isn't a chance that this can't happen to the OP, but thats a very heavy assumption to make. Not trying to be disrespectful, but be careful about projecting your experience on someone else's.

statistically and from personal experience, I rarely see those marriages where both parties are truly happy after infidelity.

Not sure where you are getting your research...mine says if both partners are committed to R, the majority are happy they stayed together. Of course, if they aren't committed to R, that won't work.

Sorry everyone,I did not mean to lash out at anyone. There are a lot of frayed nerves on here, understandably so.

I havent gotten to the point about "stronger" marriage. Right now, not sure if there will be any marriage.

You guys are truly amazing at sorting all this shit out.

It's ok. You're certainly not the first person to lash out...You won't be the last either.

You're doing fine. Really.