SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

All that means is that it's a phone owned by the OM. It may be his wife's. It may be an old phone. It may be an extra phone that his wife doesn't know about. It's probably her. But, just in case, I'm glad you plan to make sure.

Timetoact,

Seems likr OM is protectiong the most important thing for him...his job. Never the less if he kreps his work sometine your WW and him will be in the dame room, the same projets or atendibg smae meetings.

IMO, you should take from him a thigns as important as what hr hs take (your marriage, even if you R it will never be the same) luke his job.

Call him after talking with his wife and after reviwing your WW time line to check facts and to inform him that he has 2 moths to quit or you are going to talk to HR (2 moths or what it takes for the both of them to have to meet again). I believe he is walking with less consequences than you do as seems like his BW is sticking to him no matter what (great indea to inform OBS thr whole thing on gis next trip). Make him swet a little more...

BTW your WW should be talking to him at all, if you want to R NC is a must and vreaking it a dealbreaker.

Crushed,

You are so insightful, and I get chills on my back whenever I read your post. You should be a professional infidelity counselor. (I mean it)

Tooanalytical,

You acted out so perfectly in the difficult time. I admire your courage and wisdom.

Timetoact,

It is good, the OM confessed to his wife to save his job. I am 200% sure when Om confessed his sin, he minimized, justified or beautified his A to his wife to draw her sympathy, so he could use her to loosen up your rage. No matter what his social rank is, the OM is a rat. Please remember, if he was not caught, he would still enjoy your wife behind of everybody’s back. The OM is not regretful, or remorseful. He is a business man, he is “managing” the crisis just like a business matter. As I said before, his act says that it was not even close to love, but a cheap adultery.

If I am you, I will still meet the OM’s wife. I guarantee you will find more truth from her. You have ALL THE RIGHT to know the facts, and it is very essential to know them to deal with this disaster. Have you ever thought about visiting the OM’s house with your wife, so all 4 people sit down and FORCE the cheaters see their ugly reality together? I guarantee the story you will hear in the 4 people meeting will be quite different than what you heard from your wife or OM’s wife. Trust me. The 4 way meeting is not the most high class or graceful approach, but it is “the most effective” way to fix cheaters’ mindset. They will swear they will never ever do it again. To build “new”, you need to destroy all the sins & fogs.

I too agree with others saying to verify that the woman on the phone was indeed OM's wife.

Best wishes!

If I am you, I will still meet the OM’s wife. I guarantee you will find more truth from her. You have ALL THE RIGHT to know the facts, and it is very essential to know them to deal with this disaster. Have you ever thought about visiting the OM’s house with your wife, so all 4 people sit down and FORCE the cheaters see their ugly reality together? I guarantee the story you will hear in the 4 people meeting will be quite different than what you heard from your wife or OM’s wife. Trust me. The 4 way meeting is not the most high class or graceful approach, but it is “the most effective” way to fix cheaters’ mindset. They will swear they will never ever do it again. To build “new”, you need to destroy all the sins & fogs.

Zero, than you. If OM was in anywhere near me i would be putting my wife in car and would have insisted she face the music in person. OM wife, does have my number and I do intend on making an attempt to talk to her at length again when he is at the business meeting next week that my wife was also supposed to attend. If I am not comfortable, I will hire a PI to go verify who she is, but my "gut" tells me she is who she says.

The more I read here, given the circumstances of the out of town travel we both do, I am starting to feel like the polygraph route is something I am not going to be able to avoid.

Right now, I am also wondering if this was the only one.

Have to say mate polygraph for certain,

It's not a nice way to have a marriage but you need something.

Also 100% on double checking it was his wife who contacted you (I'm sure was, but best to be sure).

Have to say mate polygraph for certain,

It's not a nice way to have a marriage but you need something.

Also 100% on double checking it was his wife who contacted you (I'm sure was, but best to be sure).

You are getting there. For some it takes time.

I would tell the kids. That is the next step, further exposure. She will not be able to justify this to the kids.

She is still in deep and is more concerned with him than you and your M. You can not R with that anyway.

People look at Space Ghost but Walloped is his equal.

He moved out of the marriage bedroom.

He had her leave.

He moved out for a while.

He called OBS.

He called the charity OM and WW were at and exposed there.

He made her quit the charities.

Exposure to the three oldest children happened.

You have done much of this but will need to complete the list to make it work or to move on.

You are getting there. For some it takes time.

I would tell the kids. That is the next step, further exposure. She will not be able to justify this to the kids.

She is still in deep and is more concerned with him than you and your M. You can not R with that anyway.

People look at Space Ghost but Walloped is his equal.

He moved out of the marriage bedroom.

He had her leave.

He moved out for a while.

He called OBS.

He called the charity OM and WW were at and exposed there.

He made her quit the charities.

Exposure to the three oldest children happened.

You have done much of this but will need to complete the list to make it work or to move on.

making it through

Rambler,

i don't know if i am getting there or not but I intend on finding out.

She is out of the bedroom

I do not want her to leave now. I want to see exactly what she is doing and when and want to be able to ask questions when I want to.

I am not leaving the house. Walloped did great, but my wife was not playing house four days a week so it is a little different to me. I read the beginning of Space Ghost. He had it shoved in his face for months before he did anything. I would have hired the PI way sooner. I am ready for that if necessary right now.

The OBS called me so that one is done. She will hear from me again. From what I could gather Pretty Boy is now in "save his family mode".

I have already addressed her job. I do not want her quitting the job. Either she keeps her panties on or she fucks the world as a divorced woman. No in between. Too early to tell on that one

I am not telling my kids or other family right now, mainly because i do not know all the facts or what the probable result is. if i tell my kids their Mom was fucking another man, and then i do not divorce, what did I accomplish. Shame for her. probably. Take my word for it, she is not "proud" right now.

Since she is not going to meeting next week and i am not travelling next week. I have told her i am expecting that timeline.

First...I am sorry you are going through this and second...I admire your anger not making you a crazy person but you actually took very smart steps and processed things and got things in order. I see looking in she may be crying but if she is not admitting who...giving up or stopping A...serve divorce...it appears she clearly doesnt and didnt have intention of fixing her marriage. I do agree with not telling kids...now. i decided on my own to keep from everyone including our children which puts alot on me...but this is a choice of privacy that I encourage...when others know it puts out and opens up too many opinions whether wanted or not and honedtly...this pain is too large to share w your children. I thought this site was a joke...skeptucal then the 1st post I put up...I felt more love than I did feom my H that cheated on me. Stay on here

..read healing library...whether D or not...its. a great supoort for all.

You are handling this situation like a man with total resolve. Good for you. Plus from what you've written about her, it sounds like there is a lot of hope for your wife. Offering up passwords and transparency, offering to change meeting weeks. She seems to be working with you. I hope she continues and becomes totally remorseful. As for the phone call from OBS, I'm inclined to agree with you it was probably her, but you know the old saying, "Better safe than sorry.", so I agree with your decision to check up on it. You strong, firm, action has shown your wife how much she really stands to lose. And that losing it all is a real possibility. My only advice from here is, stick to your guns. You are showing her consequences for her error, and holding her accountable for her actions. Sure it hurts her now, but she will respect you more as a man and husband, and think twice before she cheats again. Stay strong brother.

You're in the right spot. Keep going.

STD testing and transparency are non-starters. Polygraph if you want it, I agree, you probably do need it.

I agree, don't tell the family and especially the kids until you have to if your separating or divorcing. If that happens, you don't lie for her, you just tell them she cheated and that's why the separation or divorce is happening.

That was OM's wife who you talked to. Why the heck did that little pretty boy want from your older wife? That was just low-hanging fruit. She probably initiated. At the least, she let it be very known that she was open to it, if she did not openly proposition him.

OM probably pooped his pants, thinking he was going to lose his younger wife and 3 beautiful kids for your wife and all her baggage, plus his job to boot.

Still, OM deserves anything you can dish out for him. He should have known who you were and the vengeance you could bring at him, and he went for it anyway. Later, once your wife is out of there, consider nuking him there. But that is for another day.

Who else knew about the affair? Any other co-workers or toxic friends?

Right now, I am also wondering if this was the only one.

All the betrayed spouses’ are in the same shoes. Once the trust is broken, nothing is certain at this point. Who is this person, and what he/she has done behind of my back besides of this? The truth is though, NOBODY will know the TRUTH except the cheated person. Will she/he be faithful for us in future as they promised after CAUGHT? There is no guarantee either.

R is hard because

1. The marriage has absolutely no foundation since the cheater destroyed it

2. The cheated spouse starts to reexam the entire marriage history, and confused what to believe

3. We cannot trust what they say now & here, because the cheaters’ word is not accountable any longer. So, sleepless night continues…

4. We cannot trust what they will do to us in future, because their failed track record cannot be justified

It is like a cheated spouse has to deal with the newly merged ugly monster (which was mutated from the loving spouse due to the adultery fungus), and only weapon she/he has is badly bleeding heart/dignity, hope, doubt, and desperate & on-going investigation/accusation. We will need a lot of strength and luck to win in this long term battle.

Please check

The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage Paperback – by Michele Weiner Davis (chapter 10 - infidelity)

I have a dummy question, and please do not laugh. How to set up a poly? (Gees, what kind of world am I living in now.)

just to not mince semantics, his decision to fuck his wife would impact the stability of his job. Your decision to handle your marriage however you see fit at this point is completely independent of the variable which is the consequences that he brought upon himself through his actions.

But yeah even if your gut feel is right, verify verify verify this.

Also probably worth head faking your wife saying you're leaning on exposing to anyone and everything. It'll help you confirm if No Contact is being maintained.

Timetoact,

In case you R, how do you know they are not just going to lay low and meet again 6 months from now? You can hire a PI but you can't do that for every trip. One of them has to change jobs.

Also, what kind of assurances you will get from your WW about any new possible OMs?

Anyway, the polygraph is a must now, I think. Tell her that you may ask for another one in the future, maybe years from now.

zero, look online for a polygraph service in your area. If you are in a city or suburb, it will be easy. If you are rural, you might have to drive a couple hours.

Many of these guys are ex-law enforcement (I've never heard of a woman who does polygraph), there are a ton of cheaters, they do this all the time, and they guide you through it. If they don't, find another.

wk55hn,

Thanks for the info. I certainly need to learn a lot and wake up in this ugly world. I am crying so hard now, because it is too harsh for me to see the actual reality. Why are there so many cheatres in this earth?????

I just wanted you to know that you are in mind and that I'm sending thoughts of strength and peace your way. You are handling things with your wife admirably and I hope that you are hanging in there.

That was OM's wife who you talked to. Why the heck did that little pretty boy want from your older wife? That was just low-hanging fruit. She probably initiated. At the least, she let it be very known that she was open to it, if she did not openly proposition him.

Wk55, I despite the pain, I had to chuckle when I read the above. First time I ever heard my wife referred to as "low hanging fruit". Don't think too many men looking at her would describe her in those terms, but I get your point.

GOT THE TIMELINE- all written down. No tremendous surprises. Started out at first meeting he attended after his promotion, instant attraction and some mild flirting.

YES MY WIFE WAS THE AGGRESSOR , in that she thought it was amazing that this gorgeous guy who all these women were fawning over was zeroing in on her. She ate it up.

Total hook ups were actually six, I have the dates. The most painful one to listen to was the one where they had balls enough to have him fly to my home town from meeting with her ( knowing I was away), and they spent almost two days in hotel and never surfaced.

Not much naughty communication. They were careful, only a few horrible written stuff, no need to describe. You all know what they said to each other. NOTHING ABOUT LOVE or wanting to be together.

OM does not appear to be any "predator". He actually was just going with the flow and she told me in actuality he was feeling pretty guilty about the whole thing. So it does make some sense that when he got scared that he did actually confess to his wife.

The sex stuff was fucking hard to listen to. First time I kind of lost it, but she answered everything. Not sure anyone wants to hear the gory details. They did use protection. My wife actually bought the condoms before the first encounter that involved more than kissing because she knew she was going to do it if it got that far. Very unpleasant to hear as you can imagine.

She swears there are no hidden e mail accounts or apps, and that he does not have any lewd photos of her out there. The only cybersex was I gues you would say some phone sex. She was careful and not reckless it appears, which would fit her demeanor.

NO CONTACT

Obviously, total NC will be hard in a way but not as hard as if they worked actually together. They have the same position but in different parts of the country, have different folks that report to them and that they answer to, so there is NO REASON that they would need to be in contact on company e mail or text. How to monitor that is a tough one, but the only time they would be in same time zone would be at these meetings, some (not all) that they sign up for and can avoid each other being there together. SHE HAS COMMITED TO THAT, and she wrote a NC communication.

It was firm and unemotional and I had no problem with it, but I am not sure if it even worth sending. I mean he already knows I know, his wife ( almost certain) has called me and told me she knows, so DO I STILL HAVE HER SEND IT??????? Or is her writing it with no hesitation enough???????? Need opinions on that one.

I have transparency but what the hell does that mean??? We are like ships passing in the night sometimes ( which is part of the problem), so it is impossible for me to monitor a hell of a lot. She is not going to quit her job, and I already stated the reasons why I do not want her to, but she will put some feelers out. She is getting sick of the travel . One other job positive. It seems OM is so driven that she thinks if he does not move up relatively quickly that he will leave for another opportunity.

We still have a LOT more shit to cover. And I know this is getting long and boring so for now a recap is

(1) I am leaning much more to R now than D

(2) she IS getting it, but has a lot more explaining to do to me about her mind set

(3) I believe I have at least 90% of the truth on this OM and her

(4) We did not get into are there any others or have there been. I will get there on that one

(5) I will verify OM wife next week. Count on it

(6) I did NOT bring up polygraph yet . I want to wait until I have more discussions with her about all of her activities on road. I see NO OPTION better than this to make me feel safe, and right now I believe she would do it. If she refused, that would be a game changer.

(7) I do believe she loves me, but I do need to figure out why she crossed the line that all of us have a chance to cross at some time but do not.

(8) I did CANCEL a big trip we had planned as R & R. No rewards right now for fucking another man. I may ask her to go away to just a decent place where we can be alone with no distractions.

All I can say is that this sucks big time. I read some of the other situations here and just shake my head in disbelief that this happens to so many people. What the hell is going on out there????

If you are still reading this novel I just wrote, thank you for your concern and help.

IIRC,your wife didn't want to be tested for STDs. So, of course she is saying a condom was always used. Regardless, insist she be tested anyway, Even if condoms were used, highly unlikely they were used during oral sex. And if there was kissing involved...Well...She's still been exposed.

Yes..send the nc email. It creates a boundary.