SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't know the statistics but I'm going to say that 100% of the BS's hope that it doesn't work or last with the AP.

I don't know the statistics but I'm going to say that 100% of the BS's hope that it doesn't work or last with the AP.

Lol!

I’m so conflicted though. I mean, part of me can’t wait for the day one of them inevitably cheats on the other and it all blows up in their faces. On the other hand, they absolutely deserve each other.

Even if cheating is more culturally accepted, it still doesn't change the fact that the actions of the affair couple are very destructive to the innocent people they are impacting.

And I think the people who marry after an affair manage to forget that. In my H's family, this origin story is treated as whimsical and proof of how bad Grandpa had it for Grandma (and he really did; he worshipped her). But here's the less whimsical, darker side of the tale. Literally 60 years later, my MIL was interviewing applicants for a job position. She discovered that she and the applicant were from the same small town and told him her maiden name. He blanched and asked if she was related to Grandma. She said yes. Turns out the applicant was the nephew of the jilted fiance. Grandma was still notorious throughout the whole family for having broken his heart. Super awkward job interview after that! I think he was actually offered the position and turned it down.

H's grandparents really were two of the nicest, most supportive people you can imagine. He was a highly decorated veteran and she was devout in her church. I think you can only live that kind of life post-infidelity if you block out the emotional carnage in your own mind. In their case, I also think that a broken engagement felt far less serious than cheating on a marriage. But it sure doesn't sound like the guy who got left behind felt that way.

I know that cheating is wrong and I think everyone can agree with that. Even countries in Europe.

What I mean by saying it seems more "accepted " is some time after the infidelity.

After some time people don't gossip anymore and no one stops speaking with another person because they cheated.

The couple number 3, husband and AP + xwife and new husband get together to celebrate birthdays and holidays with the children without a problem. In the weeding of one of the kids , the party was in the husband and AP backyard, the other couple came to help with decorations and had drinks.

The couple number 5 , they do the same.

I remember another situation, we were at a family party of A, A's brother B was there with his kids, B's ex-wife showed up to pick up her kids with her boyfriend (she cheated on B and they divorced) everybody spoke with her, they offered food and packed some cake. They give each other 2 kisses and everything. After she left with her boyfriend no one was gossiping about. I was surprised, it was very civilized.

It's difficult to find some data here because people are not getting married anymore. Half of my WH friends are not married, they are in long term relationships with kids. The couples on second "marriage" they don't get married either.

According to the studies that have been done, over 75% of those marriages will end in divorce after five years.

It isn't against SI rules to quote stats or anything else. You can't share a link, though, without prior approval

According to Shirley Glass’ Not just friends, only 10% of affair partners go on to marry each other. And if by chance affair partners marry, that new marriage has only a 25% chance of survival.

eta: quote

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 1:21 PM, May 4th (Saturday)]

Girl123

I was surprised, it was very civilized.

You can't read people's minds. You do not know if the betrayed are cringing inside and secretly screaming. You also don't know the family dynamic, perhaps there has been an agreement to "suck it up buttercup" in public for the kids. Your perception of how people forget these things and go about their merry way is practically delusional.

What I mean by saying it seems more "accepted " is some time after the infidelity.

Did it ever occur to you that it is NOT "accepted" but just handled with decency for the sake of not only the children involved but their very own sanity???

Marrying the AP is like strangling someone. You have the betrayed person forced into a pinned down situation and their entire life is slipping away. If they fight back, it just gets worse because they know their children are witnesses, they feel obligated to take the high road as role models, and know that if they don't act civil they will be thrown under the bus as the person that just won't let it go.

Perhaps the WS and AP can carry on, but the hurt, anger, and confusion that they leave other people to contend with is cruel and vicious.

edited for wrong acronym and clarification

[This message edited by onthefence123 at 1:47 PM, May 4th (Saturday)]

Onthefence123,

You are right I can't read their minds, they could be screaming inside or they could don't think about it anymore because they moved on. You can't know either.

The situations that I saw in person were not people being polite in front of others but they were trying to really talk and they had drinks. I know this is not for everyone, my parents didn't have this kind of relationship after the divorce, I wish they had. It would be my dream to have everybody having fun on my birthday. These couples decision to move on seemed pretty cool to me not cruel or vicious.

She's going to cheat on him, too.

*And if she doesn't, Hell better call its HVAC specialist.*

P.P.S. And I firmly believe my ex to be in that tiny percent of WSs who marry the AP. She'll drain that one for all she can before moving on to the next sucker.

[This message edited by AbandonedGuy at 3:44 PM, May 4th (Saturday)]

I don't think there is any real difference in hire people in Europe react to affairs when they're the ones who are the actually the betrayed spouse. Oh there maybe a kind of yours tired "do what" attitude in general but that flies out the window when it becomes personal. Let's not forget the whole crime passionalw. It's interesting to read how many countries had lenient sentencing for a BS if they murdered their BS if they caught then with their AP BUT only is the WS was female.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand, I agree with onthefence. The couples who are civil tend to be those with children who recognise they are going to be seeing each other at functions for years and, fit the children's sake are going to have to act like adults and be civil to each other. Over the years this 'relationship' can develop to the kind of detached superficial acquaintance you may have with a colleague or your hairdresser.

Girl... with all due respect your current situation is clouding your judgement and enabling you to make some massive mental gymnastics. TBH it doesn’t matter if some people (ex spouses) you know get on after infidelity. What matters is the VAST majority don’t. The vast majority of BS might suck it up for the sake of the children (and they’d be right to do so) but it doesn’t mean it’s not a knife twisted every time. During the initial stages I’m sure this is what my WH and his AP thought would happen, like they were THAT delusional. I can assure you, over my dead body would I have ever made small talk with them over a barbecue.

As for the chances of survival for these couples, from my IRL knowledges, slim to non existent.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 4:09 PM, May 4th (Saturday)]

My ex, the princess just got dumped by her AP today

TC looking at your tag line, seeing the length of fake r she pulled, I think its just desserts.

I do wonder if these stats actually apply to people getting together when no marriage is involved, just a long term relationship. One was single, and actually married before, the other was in a long term relationship of 5 years and living with there partner. They went on to marry the person they cheated and left there longterm partner for.

HardenmyHeart - really REALLY interesting post. Thank you for sharing.

I’m reasonably young and my circle of friends got married relatively late, so my only point of reference is my father who left my mother for his younger AP when I was in my first year of college. They have never married but have stayed together for 15+ years since. They absolutely isolated themselves from others for years after shacking up and my father remains isolated from the rest of my family to this day and most family friends to this day. His AP was never invited to graduations and other events out of respect to my mother and so my dad would attend alone (awkwardly). I think my dad always thought we’d all reach the big happy family stage but we havent. He basically started a new family and we (my siblings and our families go visit sometimes). We all play nice with his partner and her kids (who lived with them) but we have no desire to develop any sort of independent relationship with them. It’s actually really stressful for us and we resent that he hasn’t made efforts to make it easier. Our relationships with our father have definitely suffered. I have one sister who didn’t speak with him for years and has a very strained relationship with him to this day. It sounds terrible, but he’s the second-tier parent for us now. I know this bothers him greatly, especially as time has gone on. He considers himself resigned to this position.

On events where they’ve all been in the same room (ie. weddings etc) my mother was an absolute picture of grace and my father’s partner acted like a child. She stormed out of my sisters wedding reception because my dad was busy catching up with some family friends and she felt like everyone else in the room thought she was a homewrecker (um... if the shoe fits...).

The worst part of it is that I don’t even think they are happy. They bicker a lot, they drink more than they should and spend too much money. My dad is in his 70s and still cant afford to retire (he was a very high earner and this is incomprehensible to me, but I think he has spent a fortune trying to keep up the persona of the wealthy older man that he presented during the affair). I don’t think they socialize much and I know many of my fathers prior friends wives dislike the AP. My mom on the other hand had a few rough years but is thriving.

In Europe it seems more "accepted ".

Maybe in France, but most definitely not true for Europe as a whole.

Ok, never mind.

Girl123

These couples decision to move on seemed pretty cool to me not cruel or vicious.

I hope that this flippant statement is because of your language barrier. There is nothing cool about being dumped into a dark hole and having the ability to somehow crawl your way out of it. People remain forever changed by infidelity, in some aspects for the better because it makes you tough and gritty but in many aspects, worse.

Really, such a disregard of what betrayed mothers and fathers go through when their entire life is upended and their children are ripped away from them 50% of the time for some sorry excuse for love, love that is fabricated by flowery words and constant attention. This is not love, this is bull@&#* rammed so far up someone's insecure ass that they can't smell it anymore.

Believe me, if I wanted to hook some married man, I know exactly what to say and how to do it, all it takes is poor boundaries on both sides. They all say the same things and believe the same things--everyone needs rescued, everyone has a problem, woe is me, woe is you, they can't believe they finally feel connected to someone, they married the wrong person, blah, blah, blah. I reenacted such behavior for my WH and his jaw dropped at his realization of his idiocy with POSOW. It's all fake. And here's the BS trying to deal with the WS and AP as a couple, when they know they were destroyed for absolutely nothing. But sure, bring them to the bbq!

And I didn't say anything about moving on being cruel or vicious. If I were to say anything about moving on, it would be that the ability of any betrayed person to remain cordial and classy demonstrates their strength and their willingness to be the best damn parent on this planet. What IS cruel and vicious is the WS and AP thinking they are entitled to destroy other people's lives, including their children, for their own selfishness.

I have heard of lots of statistics and lots of anecdotal evidence, but I think the on thing that everyone can relate to is if they are willing to cheat on one relationship they are likely to do so again.

Further most As die once they become full time relationships. Too much reality intrudes upon the play acting fantasy-land kibbles. Two APs who get together lose the ability to only put forward the parts they want the other to see. Now all of them comes into focus.

I heard way too many stories IRL where the WS begs for the BS to take them back. I feel sorry for people that throw their life away for nothing . . .well almost.

These couples decision to move on seemed pretty cool to me not cruel or vicious.

Some people are terrible, irresponsible, selfish drivers.

But they never look in the rearview mirror and see the carnage they have caused.

One thing they are not, is “cool.”

I know many people who married their AP. The marriages lasted but the honeymoon stage didn’t. Same old shit, different day. There is no such thing as happily ever after. There is reality. You and your partner are married to flawed people. Divorce and remarriage just gives you a different person to pretty much live the same life. Your cheater isn’t getting a brain transplant. Jeff Bezos left his pretty wife for a very pretty woman whose appearance seems to have changed. They will live a fun filled life pretty much like the one he just left. Life will go on. It always does.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 4:38 PM, May 6th (Monday)]

I think a more relevant question would be how many WS thought or were paranoid that their AP was cheating on their cheating relationship. Then, maybe you can see if some cheaters are still "good and happy" staying together. I for one saw evidence of my AP cheating with multiple men. I wouldn't marry or trust them with a 10ft pole if my wife left me. I doubt any of those so called "cool" relationships are really cool. Hooking up with your AP still leaves you a fucked up person with a cake in your hand that hasn't addressed why you cheated. Which never has anything to do with your spouse or the marriage. Not to mention if you are Christian or some other religion that sees infidelity as a Sin. You left a spouse and continued to live in Sin with the AP. I am pretty sure this isn't going forth and sinning no more. So, no repenting there. You are just on fast track to Hell. Of course, cheaters are the masters on justifying stuff so there is always that cherry picking of their religion going on to think they are going to "get away" with it. Why someone that is Christian would want to risk what they believe is some "eternal soul in Heaven" thing on some AP is beyond me. But, you see it here all the time.