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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 9:56 PM on Tuesday, September 22nd, 2020
When I felt the whole ILYBNILWY, it's because I was comparing it to the getting high feelings in the affair.
Exactly it's the Limerence they experience with a new person (could be any person) and the oxytocin hormone that is released in your brain during certain types of human contact, it has the effect of bonding you to the other person involved.
fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024
LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 10:21 PM on Tuesday, September 22nd, 2020
ILYBNILWY... any more.... As a BS these are the words my STBXWH needed to Finally hear from me to possibly accept that I am Divorcing him.
I heard that crap from WH once too often during our marriage. When I had enough of this crap, I left him.
September 26 1987 I married a monster. Slowly healing from Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼
steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 10:26 PM on Tuesday, September 22nd, 2020
I got the phrase and also "I don't love you and I don't think I ever did". At the very beginning I think my WW thought there might be something permanent with him but it didn't take long before she told him she wouldn't move in with him. She wasn't going to leave me for him. She kept screwing him for 3 more years, though.
BH(me)72(now); XWW 64; M 42 yrsDDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW 4 years; "dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, liesSeparated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020
CaptainRogers ( member #57127) posted at 2:17 AM on Wednesday, September 23rd, 2020
My wife went the whole "I've never really loved you" route. And over the course of 3 years, I brought that phrase up twice. She defended it both times. I guess some things aren't worth owning up to yet.
Interestingly enough, if you check the thread that W2BHA started about the various types of "love" in the ancient Greek, it does make sense on one level.
BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical
Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 2:55 AM on Wednesday, September 23rd, 2020
Yes, I got the ILYBINILWY speech. Not nearly as satisfying as the I don't love you AND I'm not in love with you speech I gave her when I dumped her...
I'm an oulier in my positions.
Me:57 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.
Divorced
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 3:28 AM on Wednesday, September 23rd, 2020
Yes, I got the ILYBINILWY speech. Not nearly as satisfying as the I don't love you AND I'm not in love with you speech I gave her when I dumped her...
I love this!!!
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 12:59 PM on Wednesday, September 23rd, 2020
Well at least your WSes were in love with one woman/man at a time. Mine, bless his generous heart, was in love with both of us and felt responsible for both.
Oh, the powers of a car park blowjob... if I only knew it was that easy I wouldn’t have wasted all those years on what I thought was real stuff that mattered.
PS Tongue in cheek response before anyone it trying to attack me for any reason.
[This message edited by Luna10 at 7:06 AM, September 23rd (Wednesday)]
Dday - 27th September 2017
SlapJacks ( member #74165) posted at 4:20 PM on Wednesday, September 23rd, 2020
Well at least your WSes were in love with one woman/man at a time. Mine, bless his generous heart, was in love with both of us and felt responsible for both.
Same here...I got the "I think I might love both of you" speech.
Thissucks5678 ( member #54019) posted at 6:02 PM on Wednesday, September 23rd, 2020
We were fighting constantly, well before dday. I sat him down and he told me that it “didn’t feel like we were in love anymore.” That was my WH’s version. I offered him a divorce/separation and had no clue there was someone else in the side. I worked to fix our marriage and didn’t have a dday for another 11 months! The affair slowly faded after that, but I will never understand why he didn’t take me up on my offer.
Not everyone is clued in to that speech - I really thought it was me and gave it my all to fix things.
DDay: 6/2016
“Every test in our life makes us Bitter or Better. Every problem comes to Break Us or Make Us. The choice is ours whether to be Victim or Victor.” - unknown
20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 4:39 AM on Thursday, September 24th, 2020
Yup <yawn> WH said the same
Of course NOW h 
e wants to retract that statement
[This message edited by 20yrsagoBS at 10:39 PM, September 23rd (Wednesday)]
BW, 54 WH 53 When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas
nervousnelly ( member #58359) posted at 6:47 AM on Thursday, September 24th, 2020
I got the "ilybnilwy", but not in those exact words when he was trying to justify his actions. Justifying them to himself.
Those words swirl around in my head often. He didn't actually say those words exactly. He said that he "liked me and that I was nice person".
Very difficult to come back from that...after 25 years he "liked me and I was a nice person"?
1. Expect nothing and you won't be disappointed.
2. Learn to love yourself.
3. Listen to your gut.
Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 7:24 AM on Thursday, September 24th, 2020
My WW never used these exact words bc she knew I’d laugh at her for using a cliche. However she subtly hinted at it.
The irony is that as a BS you will feel this same way — if not permanently then at least for a time — yet in the case of a BS it isn’t based on limerence and addictive brain chemicals but instead is grounded in the actual reality of the situation.
[This message edited by Thumos at 1:24 AM, September 24th (Thursday)]
"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."
BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19
steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 1:43 AM on Friday, September 25th, 2020
Not everyone is clued in to that speech - I really thought it was me and gave it my all to fix things.
Same here, Thissucks. I needed to get her to love me again. The adultery I didn't know about but did suspect and was gaslighted continued. I'm an intelligent person. I have documents. Why would I succumb to the gaslighting. Love bias. Willful blindness. More.
BH(me)72(now); XWW 64; M 42 yrsDDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW 4 years; "dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, liesSeparated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020
CaptainRogers ( member #57127) posted at 2:16 AM on Friday, September 25th, 2020
ThisSucks, steady, I got that same thing pre-Dday v1.0. About a month before (when my wife and the AP were in the "flirty text" mode, I was told that I needed to be doing more to "woo" her. She was right. I had stopped most of that. Mostly because of her actions towards me (the whole "I've acted poorly, forgive me for that, let it be in the past...now let me bring up everything g from the last 22 years that I need to smack you over the head with incessantly..." crap).
So, what did I do? I said "OK" and turned some "woo" back on. About 3 weeks into me "wooing" her, she is making plans with the AP, allowing things to get physical, AND STILL telling me that I'm not doing enough.
Talk about the deepest pile of crap you could be fed in a sandwich...
BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical
UnstuffedGiraffe ( member #74937) posted at 2:28 AM on Friday, September 25th, 2020
I got, “I love you as the mother of my children but, I haven’t been attracted to you for 2 years.”
Ouch!
Me BW - Married 20 years
Him - 2 Affairs 9 years apart
DDay October-December 2019 & July 2020
TwoDozen (original poster member #74796) posted at 11:02 AM on Friday, September 25th, 2020
This is so true
The irony is that as a BS you will feel this same way — if not permanently then at least for a time — yet in the case of a BS it isn’t based on limerence and addictive brain chemicals but instead is grounded in the actual reality of the situation.
And this
So, what did I do? I said "OK" and turned some "woo" back on. About 3 weeks into me "wooing" her, she is making plans with the AP, allowing things to get physical, AND STILL telling me that I'm not doing enough.
Almost carbon copy for me too, except I also got “you’re trying too hard” as well
Candyman66 ( member #52535) posted at 1:28 PM on Friday, September 25th, 2020
I also got the I don't love you, I only married you to get out of the house. 
So I BELIEVED her and still do. This is ONE of the reasons that I still hate her even after 45 years.
My kids are NOT happy that I still hate her but do NOT want to hear the reasons. Oh well as the saying goes.
JMO YMMV
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