SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Some thoughts for your consideration:

She is deceitful and therefore you can't believe anything she says or promises. For example, when it ended or who broke it off or if he was the only OM.

If she doesn't know why, then she hasn't fixed herself - and is an unsafe partner.

You can love her - but still decide to divorce.

In your head, the affair wasn't two years ago - but the day you discovered it.

Typically they do it because they 'want' to or they liked the attention - and they think they will not get caught so there's no consequences.

Their tears when exposed are attempts to manipulate you by making you feel sorry for them.

Thank you so much to everyone who's replied, this thread has helped me validate my feeling that I should just leave. Everyone who's said she could be lying about more is totally right. I don't thinkshe is, but I never thought she was before either, so that doesn't really tell me much. The one and only person on the thread who said they had a happy reconciliation had a spouse who confessed on their own immediately after the fact, which to me (while still very serious) is smaller breach of trust.

I'm done. I already have a lawyer lined up. I'm going to file for divorce.

Thank you thank you, it helps to have other people tell you what's plain to see.

I wish you a happy life, and no further need to post here. :)

I think you are doing the right thing. Your young, she cheated for 8 months and lied for two years. She hasn't been a wife for much of the marriage. One thing that stands out.

Did your WW confess of her own accord or was she caught? I feel like for me that is actually a critical distinction, because an unforced confession shows true remorse, something my WW did not do.

This seems like a sticking point for you. You've brought it up several times. The truth is even now she's not confessing. Yes she admitted to an affair but... I don't know is not an answer. She knows why they ended an 8 month affair. She just doesn't want to tell you. I wouldn't trust her. She isn't working very hard at gaining your trust and fixing what she broke in the marriage.

It's just another reason you don't have to feel bad about moving straight to divorce. She isn't reconcile material right now anyway.

I was in a position similar to your position early in my marriage. I made a huge mistake and went against my better judgment and tried to R. Big mistake. She cheated again and I finally walked away after six wasted years later. Good luck to you. Your marriage is short and you can start over with someone who is worth being with. Do not look back.

Wishing you all the best. I’m glad I shared my experience but you are doing the right thing for you. It’s good that you know your own mind and that her A is a dealbreaker for you. Good luck.

Hi OP.

Sounds like you're close to telling her you're divorcing. If you do finalize that decision you should be prepared with what and how you're going to tell her parents, your parents, families and friends.

If they don't know any of this yet, get the truth out first so they get it straight. Don't let her spin a narrative of how you were mentally abusive, cheated on her, a drunk, a gambler, drugs, etc.

Also, 8 months... ouch. She lied to your face about this for 8 months. Exposed your health to STDs, was sneaky, abused your trust... was just a total shit. Sorry man.

Check that lied for 8 months while cheating, then for next year after her affair supposedly ended. As others have said if she can lie right to your face for 2 years, how deep is this rabbit hole? Other affairs? Other risky behaviour? Has she fucked men in your own home?

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 5:59 PM, April 30th (Friday)]

Wishing you all the best. I’m glad I shared my experience but you are doing the right thing for you. It’s good that you know your own mind and that her A is a dealbreaker for you. Good luck.

@fareast -- Thank you in particular. To me, your story is the exception that proves the rule. I believe, at least for me, a one time mistake is pretty recoverable. Though obviously painful, it reflects a mistake, not a calculated deception.

If they don't know any of this yet, get the truth out first so they get it straight. Don't let her spin a narrative of how you were mentally abusive, cheated on her, a drunk, a gambler, drugs, etc.

@SnowToArmPits You raise a number of good concerns. I am fortunate that both her family and my own like me well and know me, and I do not have any obvious vices that could be easily spun against me like this. I have also told many people the story as I know it, and it seems she's not lying viciously, she has told her sister and the sister has been kind and reasonable with me. I am truly grateful for everyone's concern, but my best read of the situation is that WW actually does feel some remorse, and does not appear to be on the path to destroy me. (I'm well aware I could be wrong, and have already discussed with a lawyer any steps I may need to take to protect myself).

Also, as a few people have mentioned it, she certainly did endanger my health, but whether because she always used protection (as she claims) or because she got lucky, I have since gotten a full STD screening and come back clean. So, there's a tiny bit of good luck.

I was in a position similar to your position early in my marriage. I made a huge mistake and went against my better judgment and tried to R. Big mistake. She cheated again and I finally walked away after six wasted years later. Good luck to you. Your marriage is short and you can start over with someone who is worth being with. Do not look back.

@src9043 I'm so sorry this happened to you. I can vividly imagine how the second time would be even worse. Thank you for sharing. I'm getting out!

You have received great advice, I just want to add that we have a Divorce/Separation forum here on SI, your case doesn't seem that complicated but still, your feedback is appreciated and could help others facing a similar situation. We also have another called "New Beginnings", check them out.

I almost forgot, please get tested for STDs/STIs just in case, some can remain dormant for years, so early detection typically helps, yes she's also been playing russian roulette with your health, you were supposed to still be in what's called "the honeymoon phase", RUN !!!

The chances she is telling the truth on always using protection are slim to none. Again, pointless because you aren't going to R, but file that away as a lie she would have eventually TT'd you on.

Please stay with us in the divorce forum.

Great members there who help each other navigate this sh*t show.

Good luck!

Has she offered any reason why other than "I don't know". Which is what we all say to the traffic cop when he asks do you know how fast you were going, we all know exactly how fast we were going.

I admire and respect your boundaries and knowing what you will accept.

Do you think she will try to convince you to not divorce? She admits to 8 months, it could be 12 or 14. Cheaters minimize.

Good luck and you should buy the guy who told you a burger and a beer for looking out for you.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 8:19 PM, April 30th (Friday)]

...it seems she's not lying viciously, she has told her sister and the sister has been kind and reasonable with me. I am truly grateful for everyone's concern, but my best read of the situation is that WW actually does feel some remorse, and does not appear to be on the path to destroy me...

I get the feeling that your WW's remorse is making you feel bad. But don't. The absolute BEST thing that can happen for BOTH partners after an infidelity is for the BS to be completely honest with him/herself about what they want. You're not going to be happy staying in a marriage that you no longer want and feel is spoiled or tainted. And your WW will ultimately not be happy in that kind of marriage either. So, it frankly doesn't matter whether she's sorry or not. When adultery is a deal-breaker, it's a deal-breaker. End of story. You don't have to apologize for that.

She is a cheater, who has very little interest in having sex with you.

So she is unlikely to suddenly get the hots for you now. And if she does, that is just good old fashion love-bombing.

IMO...ZERO upside in staying with her.

Sometimes it’s hard to make the decision to end the marriage.

But for some cheating is a deal breaker. And it’s perfectly acceptable to be in that camp b/c you must be true to yourself.

No one should have to stay in a marriage that they know will not be a good one or provide them with fulfillment and happiness.

You made the right choice. You definitely deserve better than what you had.

Hi a1234567,

I’m very sorry you find yourself here. I found out about my WW’s A’s a couple years after the last PA ended. I too was devastated, I thought I knew my WW...there was so much I didn’t know about, and we have been together since high school, first everything pretty much.

I wanted to first say kudos to the random stranger for informing you. It must have been devastating to you but at least you aren’t living a lie anymore and you know what your WW is capable of. Knowledge is power.

Is R possible, of course it is, if she is truly remorseful. I caught my WW by snooping her email. Two emails, that was all the evidence I had but there was zero chance of my WW spinning it , it was clearly laid out for me.

I went through a couple years of hell, gaslighting, trickle truth, suicide attempt by my WW, bullshit efforts at IC, all of it. It was awful. Looking back, I thought I was being decisive, I was bending too much though. This was my wife, it was very difficult to not believe her, she should have won an Oscar for her performances. It was all an act to attempt to control the outcome. I finally had enough and demanded my WW seek intensive IC. This was the turning point.

We are nearly 6 years from Dday 1, with two more days 4 and 5 years ago. I just wanted to say trust the advise and experience that the people here provide you. Everyone thinks they’re partners is “different”, they aren’t. The stories here vary somewhat, but generally, there are a few “types” of A’s, and cheaters run pretty much the same script.

I would doubt you have the whole truth. I don’t believe I have the entire truth, how would any of us really know if we do? It comes down to being able to accept what the person you pledge your life to tossing you aside for nothing. I wouldn’t make any rash decisions too quickly. Take as much time as YOU need to make decisions. I didn’t get much out of IC, but many others have and it’s certainly worth giving it a try for yourself. Be honest with your IC. It’s tough to open up about this to a stranger but does feel good to get it out.

Yet I don't really want to. Does that make me a bad person?

no it makes you a moral person with good boundaries, looking out for your own mental and physical health.

But for some cheating is a deal breaker.

I would say adultery is ALWAYS a dealbreaker. It shatters the vows and the covenant between you is torn asunder. Adultery is a spiritual divorce, there's just the matter of a piece of paper.

Now, many people take a look at the wreckage and decide to try to build something new with that person. That's reconciliation.

Others take a look at the wreckage (not some, but many, at least as many as reconcile) and move on. That's divorce.

Both are equally valid options.

But reconciliation takes massive amounts of empathy and hard work from the betrayer. They must carry the load.

I would recommend you first read a book called "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" and then give it to wife to read and ask her to provide a written plan to you based on the book.

Then read "Cheating in a Nutshell"

Then read "No More Nice Guy" and "The Way of the Superior Man"

These are all short books. Most can be read in a sitting in less than a day.

[This message edited by Thumos at 10:51 AM, May 1st (Saturday)]

You asked for post from people the knew it was a dealbreaker right from the start. There is a recent post in this forum JFO from Absolon called Perception vs. Truth. It's a different situation in that they were engaged for 5 years and living together not married... but he caught her cheating, she "appeared" remorseful, they "appeared" to have a wonderful relationship, she appeared to be willing to do anything to fix this...

Read the thread. You will see that he kept learning more and dodged a bullet.

FWIW, someone claiming to be a counselor once wrote to me in response to my relating how I knew pretty quickly it was a dealbreaker and taking fast action to divorce.

This person claimed experience counseling lots of BS. She said that the ones she found recovered fastest and most completely were those who acted similarly. She said they knew themselves well and adhered to their values well. She speculated these qualities aided their fast recovery.