SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife texted me with details of how her day went selling at her booth and I half wonder if she is making up that the fairs and festivals she goes to even exist. I haven't asked for details, but now that I am thinking about it, it's the middle of February and how many farmer's markets and things really are going on this time of year?

My FWW used trips for her side business as a pretext for her getaways with her AP. She always used real events as the excuse but lied about when she had to be there and for how many nights. It kept the lies plausible.

There are a lot of small town festivals during the summer and fall, but February? I'm not sure where you are but it seems unlikely. And even if there's something, it would be weekends at most.

Could she be doing this for money? If someone is filming does she have someone else involved? Is this an AP who has gotten her into this as a fetish or for money? Fish around to see if she has some channel to get payment from the people viewing her videos.

Financial infidelity may be a whole other aspect here. Was she making more in her previous job than she has been (supposedly) at this craft thing? Was the kind of work she was doing no longer available during COVID? Many places are desperate for workers now so there's no excuse for her not to be contributing as much as she can to the household.

Are you even sure that she was laid off? She may have just left to start this double life.

Look up online resources for getting out of debt. Focus on the ones the give good advice for stringent budgeting and tactics for paying down debt. Avoid any that promise to get debt forgiven or refinanced over a longer period of time or that want to charge you for access to information. You can get books on this at the library. It seems likely that you're going to end up with a single income so budget discipline is going to be critical going forward.

Please search for information about "infidelity trauma." The "Helping Couples Heal" podcast is a great source of this. You are suffering the trauma of finding out that reality is completely different than you thought. That's difficult to comprehend and overcome, but a therapist who handles infidelity as trauma will help.

I'm sorry that she has done this to you. I know it's hard, but you really need to consult a lawyer and then confront her as soon as possible. You can't continue like this. Think about what you want for yourself and your future and plan the steps to get there. It's a horrible, long road but you can recover from this and be happy again.

Best wishes.

Thank you for all the help and guidance and ideas on this thread so far. I am a bit overwhelmed.

I ended up needing to take a sick day from work because my brain was just not working.

Here are some updates. WW is currently in Indiana and I asked her in a text exchange where she was selling today. We had been texting rapidly back and forth but the texts stopped when I sent that for about 10 minutes, and then she replied with "sorry had a customer lol" and then told me the name of a farmers market in Indiana but according to the details of the web site they are only open June through October. So I need to do more research there. The pieces don't line up.

As you suggested I tried to get more data off of the phone, it is dead now. It doesn't use the same charger as my iPhone and so I will have to figure out how to get it charged again. I didn't see a charging cable in the nightstand with the phone.

Here is the biggest update. Several of you suggested seeing if her channel is connected to some way of making money, and it turns out she has a page on something called Only Fans. It has her face right on the page (except with eyes covered) and the same fake name and has different buttons to subscribe for a LOT of money like $15 every month. I don't know how to tell if she has gotten money from this, but there are sections of the page that say POSTS and MEDIA and the have a lock icon so I can't see what they are but they say 136 posts and 191 media.

We share bank accounts and I don't see any money coming in, so maybe she hasn't gotten any money from this but would like to? I don't think she can set up other bank accounts without me knowing because we are married right? I think the bank would contact me.

I am feeling absolutely sick. Trying to be normal for the kids but can't even make a good dinner, just cooking fish sticks and tater tots in the oven I don't have any energy to do anything more. I keep seeing all the pictures of us on the wall around the house and I feel like "are these even real" "is my life even real". She is destroying our family and one level I feel just like I can barely get out of bed and then there's a part of me that is so angry with her for taking advantage of me.

And there's another part of me that wonders is this just a big misunderstanding? Like will she have some way to explain this that will make it make sense, and make it more clear that what we've had wasn't a lie all along? This doesn't feel like the person I know (or thought I knew) and some small part of me thinks that, like with the call in 2020, this is all just something that can be cleared up somehow.

But then I think about what I saw on the videos and I get sick again.

Im in Indiana. There's no way she is at a farmers market. Last week, the entire state was under travel advisories. The top half was getting major snow,the middle got a bunch of snow,and the bottom third of the state was having an ice storm. We are all still digging out.

We share bank accounts and I don't see any money coming in, so maybe she hasn't gotten any money from this but would like to? I don't think she can set up other bank accounts without me knowing because we are married right? I think the bank would contact me

.

I don't think so. You can open your own bank account in your name only. Maybe she has an account in another bank. Money she earns from Only Fans can go to the other bank account. I am not familiar with Only Fans but from what I have read she can have a fan base and even invite the people who are her fans to participate

It seems so crazy to me that she will take this kind of a risk of exposing herself and most likely lose not only her partner but her kids too. These types of videos people post online do not dissapear. Ever. Hell even your kids could potentially find them once they get older. This is not normal. Not to minimize what she is doint at all, but does she have history of sexual abuse or mental health issues?

This is a big shock for you. I think it would be wise for you to have a plan before she comes back home. Do you have one in mind?

Good to hear form you AllDespair. I can't say I'm surprised by the OnlyFans thing. Make sure you take screenshots of everything and save it to a space she cannot access.

Also - I'll bet there is a secret bank account. I don't know the laws in your jursisdiction but I don't think my spouse has ever been required to be notified of anything on any of my bank accounts.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 11:57 PM, Tuesday, February 8th]

You absolutely need an attorney now.
She can open an account at any bank anywhere and if she is putting her money in they are not going to alert you.

You need the attorney now because she has HUGE earning potential doing this and may be fleecing you financially and if so you need an attorney to demand forensic accounting. Being married in most states means there's an even split 50 50 of earnings. Meaning she can foot the bill of the D.

Also being a same sex couple the question arises of who is the true biological mother of the kids. This makes a difference when divorcing if the appropriate paperwork was not done on the front end. You must protect these children.

The phone can be recharged with a a micro-USB or a USB-C cable that plug into a normal USB wall charger.

You can find these cables at almost any drug-store, convenience store, or an electronics store.

Take the phone with you and make sure the cable works.

Or look up the phone model online and you can find out what kind of charger it uses.

And there's another part of me that wonders is this just a big misunderstanding? Like will she have some way to explain this that will make it make sense, and make it more clear that what we've had wasn't a lie all along? This doesn't feel like the person I know (or thought I knew) and some small part of me thinks that, like with the call in 2020, this is all just something that can be cleared up somehow.

I'm sorry, but the incident in 2020 wasn't "cleared up" she lied to you and got away with it. had you called he wife you would have caught her cheating.

I want to re-iterate that with behavior this extreme, you don't know what she is up to or has been up to. You don't know if she is on drugs, or what kind of element she is bringing into her life and adjacent to the life of your family with young children.

I know money is an issue, but please, do what you need to in order to protect your family. Put expenses on credit if you have to.

1) You must gather and protect all the evidence you can.
2) You must look into legal recourse to protect your children now and going forward.
3) you must protect yourself from what may happen when you finally confront her. That means carrying a recording device and making sure your interactions are documented.

I don't think she can set up other bank accounts without me knowing because we are married right? I think the bank would contact me.

Of course she can open another bank account without your permission, as a matter of fact that's one of the advice we typically give to a BS after filing for D, I suggest you do the same and direct your payments to that account in your name only. OTOH this will not magically dissappear, you saw her in the videos, she has an "Only Fans" account, of course she's getting paid, what's next a farmers market in the middle of the Sahara ? you need to wake up and take action, the "bury your head in the sand" approach NEVER works, she's shown you she's a SERIAL CHEATER and liar.

Oh sweetie I am sorry to hear your story. I know you don’t have energy and are dealing with shock. You do need to try and make a plan. You have got lots of good advice here, you have to get moving on protecting yourself.

I assume you are going to confront your wife’s . Your wife Is going to deny as much as she can, then she will be mad at you for looking into this and just calling her out, and she will likely have a lot of tears.

Write out a plan, and follow it. Try to keep the emotions at bay until you get things sorted. It won’t be easy. Remember this is not on you.

Hugs.

I don’t know about those kind of sites, but people can set up non traditional accounts like PayPal for buying and selling things.

If you don’t know how to download at least take photos with your phone of the images on the only fans site.

Once she takes the site down all that video may be lost, and you don’t have funds to get subpoenas and the like to compel disclosure.

You might also set up a new email and new Reddit profile and register to join her only fans site.

I expect her excuse will be that since she lost her job this is the only way she could think of to contribute financially.

Sending strength and prayers to make your way forward through this trauma.

I am no expert but she appears to be a sex addict and potentially a sexual abuse survivor as well. I am imagining she may actually love you as you thought she did but be so out of control with her addiction that this second life is like her version of heroin or fentanyl.

So it seems like she has her own porn site (Only Fans is mostly self produced porn, I believe) and is travelling state to state to create content and have whatever her addicted like needs are.... met. Very far from the ordinary situation here even if some of the patterns are the same. Still, how you respond will be helped by the wisdom and best practices here.

I wonder... is there a relationship with a predatory man behind the porn site? OnlyFans can apparently make a lot of money if enough people support you. Did she get this idea and develop it on her own or is someone leading her through this? Taking advantage of her potential sex addiction?

All questions to be answered. It seems like all waywards share some degree of addiction... usually to attention, ego boosting seduction. But your wife seems beyond that. That may make this even harder for you, if it's true. However, many BS never really get a satisfactory answer to the question of "why?" If your wife does have a clinically diagnosable addiction, that might help you at least understand how such a terrible plunge of behavior could happen. And that might actually help you heal faster, whether you choose to D or not.

Someone had good information above on getting the phone charged. Worst case you take it into a Best Buy and just tell someone you need a charger for it and they'll find the right thing for you. You should be able to get just the correct cable and plug it into any USB charger. Don't charge the phone too much. She may become suspicious if it's fully charged when she checks it again.

Check the phone for bank apps, an only fans app, suspicious browser history, and any other suspicious apps. Check for signs of secret email accounts.

Save everything you can in a safe place where your WW cannot get to it. Once you confront her she will delete everything she can.

Does she do all her mail and Internet on her phone or does she have a computer that she uses as well? That probably has a lot of information on it if you can get access to it. If she leaves her Google account logged in you may be able to access her location data.

Do you still have the number for the woman who contacted you originally? If you can find it, contact her now. It's not out of the question that she is still involved with that same man. Even if she is not, it may help you start fitting the pieces together.

Good luck.

I think you need to use the time until your W's return very wisely. If it does not endanger your job, take the next days off to get stuff sorted.

You must use the worst-case-approach because you owe your children safety. Meaning: assume for the moment that everything you saw AND suspect is true; that there is no other "good" explanation for it and that most likely this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Than ACT accordingly. If, against all olds, things turn out differently, you have not lost anything.

You do not have to understand your wife right now. Your shocked brain is not eben capable of that, so don't invest energy in comprehending. This can come later. My guess is your wife suffered severe sexual abuse by men very early in life and a part of her brain equates that mistreatment with love. A lesbian relationship gave her the space for a new, unthreatening beginning, but as she never dealt with her trauma, her inner child resurfaced, craving the sick affirmation it was conditioned into longing for.

This is all extremely sad, no doubt. BUT IS NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, YOUR PROJECT OR RESPONSIBILITY. You are indebted to your children, then to yourself and only then to another human being, eben if your heart tells you otherwise. Also, she can only heal herself. None can do that for her.

Now is NOT the time for fixing your W or your marriage.

Now is only time for damage control.

First, find someone you can trust, both with your kids and your evidence. Your kids CANNOT be there when you confront, whenever that is.

Also find someone who can be with you, when you confront, as witness and in case it gets violent.

Important: This first confrontation is not between equal partners who try to truthfully communicate. THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN. Your wife is about to lose her safe space, that place, where she could uphold the better version of her self. In the first run, she will do ANYTHING to keep this space; then, once she realises its gone, she will be full of hatred and rage towards herself, which will then turn unto you. Finally she will most CERTAINLY try to emotionally blackmail you with your children.

Give up the hope of a good and honest conversation NOW. It may happen one day, but it will not happen now.

Therefore, confrontation should only take place, once you have done the following:

1.See an attorney. ASAP. Ask beforehand, if the initial consultation is free (it should be). You can (after the first interview, not before) then offer to pay in installments.

2. Find someone who you can confide in, who can take your kids and the evidence and where you could all stay for a few days. SHARE THE EVIDENCE WITH THEM, even if it is hard.

3.If this is not possible, find an orgsanisation that could help for free, for example one specialising in domestic abuse. They will help even if things where not physically violent (yet). DON'T BE ASHAMED. There is no time for shame now.

4.Collect all evidence, links, videos etc. Make screenshots. This is not complicated, google it. At the very least, simply make fotos of all videos, conversations etc. You need to have all that before she can delete her accounts!!! Best would be, to find someone tech savvy. Make a photo of where the phone was hidden. If you cannot get the phone to run again, take it and hide it outside the house. Do not be manipulated in giving your W the evidence.

5.Open your own bank account NOW and have your next paycheck go there.
From what you write you have to step up your financial literacy in the long run.

6.Find yourself a therapist if you can afford it. ASAP.

You are a beautiful person. Someone so caring and loving that even your broken wife could feel safe with you. You deserve happyness. Don't forget that!

Only Fans has a subscription base that pays for access to the pages people want access to, so there is a very good chance she’s getting money from her OF account. She wouldn’t be so dumb as to funnel that money directly into a joint account. Probably has a separate or paypal account any income might be coming into.
There are people making SERIOUS money on OF. Like in the tens of thousands.
It’s also quite common that those trying to create a name for themselves give some teasers to porn-sites to entice subscribers to the OF site.

I’m not buying the "cant afford to divorce" argument.
If you really are that broke and your wife is bringing in a limited income then D should be relatively simple. The income from OF could be subpoenaed if this even got so far as to being a contested divorce (as opposed to an agreed settlement). She clearly spends time away so I guess the kids are evenly tended to by you both? Possibly the same after D if you D?

I’m not mentioning this so you can divorce. I think the first step is to confront her about this. Get an explanation. Hear what she’s saying. It’s rather that I sense that your FEAR of divorce is keeping you from the confrontation. From handling the issue.

AllDespair,
How are you feeling this morning? Still taking it minute by minute? I'm thinking of you.

Just a point I'd like to share. I try to think outside the box. You said earlier that:

- she's gone half of the time

- she does not bring any money at home

Smells like a double life, no?

I can easily imagine another woman (or man) in another city saying the same thing : "she's gone half of the time for a job that makes no money for our family, but that's important to her".

Maybe YOU are her regular AP?

[This message edited by jujuchrist at 9:05 PM, Wednesday, February 9th]

Alldespair,
How are you holding up? I think you mentioned your wife was coming home before the weekend. Does that mean tomorrow? What is your plan?

Your WW is definitely making money off of those videos on OnlyFans. I know that site, although I don't use it. People are becoming stay at home millionaires off of posting videos on that site. I mean real big money stuff. YOu can do a quick search in google and see all the articles and people that have normal day jobs that have been caught posting on only fans. I'm talking about teachers and police officers doing this stuff as a side job making hundreds of thousands of dollars.

So not only is your WW cheating on you, she is financially cheating on you. She may be doing this to make up for the income that she lost, but she is risking your health by not telling you. Plus, she's now Bi?

If you end up divorcing her, you should expect half of the income she's made off Onlyfans. You are owed half.

Thank you for all the well wishes, I'm sorry haven't posted, everything has been absolutely horrible. But I have read every word people wrote to me and it makes me feel a little less alone.

Several bad things have happened since I last wrote.

First, I was able to get her burner phone recharged and get back into it. I was able to get links to the videos but I couldn't figure out how to download them. But I have many links now saved. I went into the chat app where she had been messaging men and was trying to copy messages but I pushed the wrong button and ended up sending a message as her. Just an emoji, but I got spooked and turned off the phone. When I got my nerve back later that night, I tried to get back into the phone but it looks like it's been locked now. There's no way back into the phone that I could figure out.

Around the same time I got a very weird and suspicious text from WW saying "hi, my friend Alex (a girlfriend of hers) left her phone in our house last week and I put it somewhere safe to give back to her when I get back to town, just in case you are cleaning or something and come across it"

Well 99% chance this is bullshit because as far as I know Alex hasn't been at our house since 2019, my wife doesn't ever have friends over, and I've been working from home almost all the hours the last year. I didn't say anything but I strongly suspect my wife thinks I found the phone already and is trying to make sure I'm not suspicious of it.

In the mean time, her Only Fans page number of media items has gone up and her number of posts, each by 2. So I am even more supicious now that she is using these selling trips to film these videos.

Late last night when I could not sleep and the pictures were running through my head I watched more of one of the videos, the one that was most recent (not on the Only Fans but on the other porn site.) It literally made me puke. She was having intercourse with several men again, including in her butt, none of it safe, and these men looked really really creepy and gross. There is clearly a man filming it because he said gross things like "show me your *** honey or show the *** to the camera" I could only watch about 4 minutes and I didn't get to sleep the rest of the night.

I had a consultiation wtih a lawyer today. She said that unfortunately divorce lawyers do cost money, but gave me a list of a few low cost ones and also there's a program where I can apply for having some of the costs covered if I can show that I can't pay. She also said that in many cases a lawyer isn't needed if the two parties can agree on custody of kids and said that all money is split equally in the marriage. I asked her if WW could have opened her own bank account without me knowing and she said yes and also that any money in it would likely be half mine, but proving that it is there would require a lawyer and court order and could be an expensive process if the wife didn't want to comply.

I also got an STD test today and will have results back in 2 or 3 days.

Guess what else? WW isn't coming home this weekend. The festival/show she was selling at has been doing great business so they extended it through the weekend. I asked her how much she's sold and she said around $200. And I said that's not enough money to even pay for gas and lodging, you need to come home and she said that she's sure she can make $2000 this weekend if she stays. She has literally never come back with more than a few hundred dollars from one of these things so I am doubtful she is suddenly going to sell 10x as much as the last 4 days in just 2 more days.

Anyway. I have been feeling really down and lost and I really don't have anyone to talk to. I've been taking the steps you have suggested but I don't know what it is building up to. I am not doing a good job taking care of the kids and they definitely can tell something is wrong. I told them work is really hard right now and they seemed to accept that.

I guess I am a little relieved she hasn't come home yet because I don't know how I am going to confront her, like how do I even start? But also I'm furious because I think she's lying to me about what she's doing, I suspect she is with someone maybe not even just filming these videos but maybe having an affair, and now it feels like starting to get some clarity is jush pushed ever further into the future.

And these videos are just haunting me at night, I just see the images playing over and over in my head, even when I fade into sleep I dream about her in one of these cars surrounded by gross men with their pants off and shirts hanging over their bellies and it is just more than I can take. I sometimes feel that I am not strong enough to get through this.

The fundamental thing is, whatever else, your kids need you badly. Things will feel different In months and years, maybe alone, maybe with a new partner, but your kids will need you. I wish you peace and strength for your sake and for their sakes.

[This message edited by straightup at 3:27 AM, Friday, February 11th]