SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your friend Ladybugmaam.

As for your husband. Yes. Hold firm on that. Don't allow him to get away with saying to you and himself that the affair 'just happened'. He needs to accept and take responsibility for choosing to have an affair. He chose to run with the feelings. He chose to invest more of himself into a relationship with her than you (at the time) he chose to make plans to have sex with her (it wasn't something that just happened on a training run) it had to be accommodated into plans. He chose to give his time to her instead of his wife and son. He chose to lie to you.

He chose every one of those things every single time he did them. None of these things 'just happened' he chose them all and until he takes ownership of them he won't be in true remorse.

Can I recommend Shirley Glass’s Not Just Friends to you both, and your WH in particular

Just realized the full extent of their electronic communications. How on earth does WH go from that intensity with OW to all in with me in such a short period of time??? I’m overwhelmed

IDK, Ladybugmaam, but I saw the same thing with my husband. He justified the affair by thinking that couldn't/wouldn't get that attention from and connection with me. And then his blinders fell off and the dope was so excited that he got to have the love connection and keep his family together. Well, duh, Sherlock. You fabricated the "problem" you were "solving" with the affair. And you created some spectacular real problems as a result.

I am so sorry for your friend. When we are this emotionally fragile it is hard to deal with another blow.

As far as the communication, I asked y husband the same thing. A week earlier you are texting this woman how much you love her and want to be with her, and now you are desperately in love with me and terrified of losing me? How did you suddenly do such an about face? I don't get it all.

He said as soon as I found out and it was over and out in the open he was relieved that it was over and the reality of what he did, what he could lose hit him hard right in the face. He said in those first early months he felt so desperately in love with me, stronger love that he ever felt and was love bombing me to try and show me that and show me how sorry he was, and that he had woken up from his fog. I was so mad, sad, scared that I didn't believe any of it.

Now that we are a year into this, he still doesn't understand he did the about face so quickly, but says he thinks it's because he knew he didn't really love her, he was saying what he needed to say to keep the affair going so he could keep those ego kibbles coming, keep the excitement but as soon as it was out in the open he was desperately afraid of losing the woman he really loved, and was in over drive trying to prove that to me. Unfortunately, it takes a long time of consistent behavior.

So sorry you have to go through any of this.

it is amazing how they can have so many text messages over a period of time and go from that many to none. You have to wonder how they managed it and didn't caught any sooner.

In my case, over a two week period my WH and his AP had over 1500 texts a day. A DAY. HOW did he get any work done? No wonder he didn't want to spend time with his kids or me. No wonder he only had Valentines day dinner with me and had to suddenly rush home. I never would have known had someone not told me to check my phone records.

It sure explains a lot about disconnection in our relationship though.

My dear friend died of ovarian cancer 10 days after dday. I had no reaction. I couldn’t cry - I couldn’t feel anything. Five years later, her daughter came to my school to supply teach. I saw her walking down the hallway and we hugged and talked - then I cried for 3 days....I didn’t have it in me to feel my grief in the beginning, but it always comes out eventually.

Have you started IC? You’ve been hit from all sides. Please take care of yourself. (((Ladybugmaam)))

It is one of the things about infidelity that is so awful. Especially in the earlier stages for me after d day. I found that nothing really could impact me emotionally. Things that should have mattered just didn't.

Infidelity rips the soul from your being, but it does get better.

LB, because it was fantasy and now that he is looking at reality and what he might lose his foggy little brain is waking up.

It often happens that in a few days, or a few weeks, one of them will beak NC. This is probably not going to be straight forward.

Stay strong. Eat healthy. Get plenty of sleep.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:37 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]

How on earth does WH go from that intensity with OW to all in with me in such a short period of time???

Re phrase it to “How on earth does WH go from that intensity with A FANTASY MiRAGE OF HiMSELF to all in with me in such a short period of time” and that compartmentalising personality split that allows such rapid switching and deception becomes easier to understand. Although I’m not sure we can ever fully understand.

How on earth does WH go from that intensity with OW to all in with me in such a short period of time???

Another thing the BS will never understand. I doubt the CS has the answer either.

DDay1 my H admits to the “slight affair” and downplays it. Ten day later he wants a D. Talk about blindsided!!

He recants his desire to D. But I hear it for the next few months how he is “unsure” what he wants. Then about 5 months later he wants a D. Next day changes his mind and begs me to take him back. So I do.

Next week - walks in the door and blurts out “I want a D”. Blindsided again. Won’t talk. Won’t discuss. So again I say “ok” because what choice do I have? Once again hours later he begs forgiveness and changes his mind. Please take him back.

I leave the house. I need space. A few hours later I come home and call the OW. I learn the truth about the Affair and that it had continued for the past 5/6 months. Now everything made sense.

He thought he was going to sweet talk his way back to our marriage and take it to his grave that I thought we were reconciling the last 6 months and he was still cheating.

He was completely irrational! He went from “I want a D” to “please take me back” twice in one week. Until I decided to get off the crazy train. To get out from his infidelity. To shield myself from his mid life crisis.

It still makes no sense to me!!! Nor him. This wasn’t the guy I knew for 30 years. No explanation for any of his irrational behavior. Unexplainable.

Since I had a plan B I was forced to execute it. Hard 180 immediately. He is love bomnbing me and trying to talk to me. Of course I won’t listen. I’m done.

And then I tell him I am divorcing him. I have no choice unfortunately. I was calm and rational. No tears. No yelling. Just execute execute execute plan B. I told him he had to leave. He refused. I called a friend and made arrangements for him to move out. He was stunned.

Best thing I ever did. For me. For my self esteem. For my power over my life and direction I was heading. Facing being a single mom. Preparing for the divorce. All of it. I was prepared for the challenges. It’s called self preservation.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:02 AM, March 28th (Thursday)]

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:38 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]

H found my VAR box and let me know. I asked him what I would hear, before I listened. It was comforting to know that those two things jived. I also told him about SI. He's been through my feed....likely OBS... and I'm really ok with that. He's told me to stay here, if I feel it helps.

I'm glad he has some resources to tie into here. It's going to be a long road, I fear. More fits and starts to come, I'm sure. But, he's making me dinner right now. I love this man. He was my hero....truly the most dependable person I had/have ever had in my life. I wish I had a magic wand to travel back in time and make this all go away.

I hope you dont regret sharing this safe place with him. I'm sorry he read the OBS's thread. To have the OM get a front row seat to what's going on in his mind,heart,and marriage, will be very difficult for OBS.

You sound such a lovely, genuine, authentic person. I really hope he appreciates how special you are.

I'm sorry he read the OBS's thread. To have the OM get a front row seat to what's going on in his mind,heart,and marriage, will be very difficult for OBS.

Yes. He needs to stay away. That was intrusive. OBS's safe place. Inserted himself into OBS's marriage where he had no right to be. Ditto any OBS threads here

[This message edited by Edie at 4:08 PM, March 29th (Friday)]

The one hardest hit seems to have been the OBS. I say this because now you’ve given the OM a ringside view of his deteriorating marriage. No wonder he is not posting, this is like another betrayal.

Yea - he switched his ID or stopped about a week ago. The thing is, a google search would've uncovered it all and I'm pretty sure OW has been taking up space here long enough. It's all a shitstorm. (Not one I had a choice in creating, mind you). But, I'm done.

LBM,

I am confused. Are you done with the OW? Or your WH? It does seem as though you are heading in the right direction. I am sorry the OBS has not been back for help.