SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Annoying? I put my wife on a pedestal knowing she had imperfections. Loving someone, despite their faults, should not be annoying (at least not in my head).

That's not putting them on a pedestal, then. Putting on a pedestal, by definition, means you think they have no faults.

What you are describing is love.

That's not putting them on a pedestal, then. Putting on a pedestal, by definition, means you think they have no faults.

What you are describing is love.

It's what she described as a pedestal.

Do you think it relates to picking assholes?

Absolutely! My picker is broken.

Just noticing patterns in life and my IC connects a lot of these it's mind blowing and sad but guess these lessons needed to be learned.

It is my observation that a woman who is looking for casual sex will often opt for a guy who isnt a person she might develop real feelings for. It is, I think, a cousin of the Madonna/whore complex.

I think this is a real thing. Especially in marriages where things are mostly good. They have solid and stable, so when they cheat they go for the bad guy types. They aren’t looking for anything emotional. Just something that proves they are still sexy and desirable. It gives them freedom to explore sex that they might not have been getting at home.

In the beginning when my EX was floundering to explain, she tried to present her choice of an AP as one that she had an affair with that would not put her marriage in jeopardy. This guy was never going to replace me. Lucky Me.

He was a bad guy, and stupid to boot. Of course I was stupid too as this dumbass bested me with my wife in my own house.

Your wife is justifying her affair as a cause and effect. You put her on a pedestal, so she cheated. Of course if you treated her like crap, she would have cheated. Bottom line is she was going to cheat no matter what. There isn’t a cheater born that somehow, at least in the beginning, doesn’t try to put on some defense of their actions. The ones that get to be a FWW are smart enough to abandon their excuses and figure where THEY went wrong

It's what she described as a pedestal.

It is just a WS fake "Why". Her even close "Why" is that she was bored and wanted the fun while not getting off her support system. She wanted the opposite of what she had at home. You are honest, he lies. You love her, he doesn't really care.

She wouldn't be attracted to a new you she met because she can have that when she wants. So she went for night to her day she had at home. The grass wasn't greener. So she had to defend the new yard. Until you opened the gate.

Now she is searching for a reason. Her "Whys" should have nothing to do with you.

I do not prefer an asshole. No. Never have.

But, one thing that is really hard for a logical, reasonable, faithful BS to understand is it doesn't even matter who the AP is. We just project who we want them to be. And, they are an audience for who we want to pretend to be.

The AP in my situation was nowhere near the man my H was. An affair is a lot of brainwashing. Seeing what you want to see, justifying to deal with your cognitive dissonance. You are telling yourself a story. And, when you think about all the feelings - feelings are a direct result of our thoughts. We are telling ourselves this story and it's eliciting an emotional reaction.

For me, it was about escaping myself, not my husband or my marriage. I was at my lowest point, this flirtation started, it lit up my brain. It was the most positive feelings I had in nearly two years. I latched onto that.

What I should have done instead was figure out why I was so miserable. Taken responsibility for my own happiness. Created a life I didn't want to escape from. There was nothing wrong with my H, or even severely wrong with my marriage. There was a culmination of emotional and physical exhaustion, mid-life crisis, and empty nest coming at me at once. I lacked the coping skills to deal with it and reverted to a time in my youth.

If someone who knew me read some of the things I would have said to the AP they wouldn't have even recognized that person to be me.

I guess this is a long winded way of saying, you are putting logic where there isn't any. Your wife had an affair because she was motivated to do so for some reason that was internal to her. Until she gets into therapy and really works on what those things are, you will have no better understanding than you do today.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:24 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

t is my observation that a woman who is looking for casual sex will often opt for a guy who isnt a person she might develop real feelings for. It is, I think, a cousin of the Madonna/whore complex.

I think this is a real thing. Especially in marriages where things are mostly good. They have solid and stable, so when they cheat they go for the bad guy types. They aren’t looking for anything emotional. Just something that proves they are still sexy and desirable. It gives them freedom to explore sex that they might not have been getting at home.

I wanted to comment on this, because I think it does have an element of truth. I don't think any of what I am getting ready to say would have been conscious thinking. But, I doubt I would have had an affair with a single guy, which would have been better in hindsight at least there wouldn't be another BS. The mere fact they are married make them unavailable, which then their status matches mine. They are going to understand the lack of time, or not make many demands. Having demands would have taken away from being in lala land for sure.

To add to that there were at least three other aspects that would have made a real relationship not feasible or even appropriate. So, there was safety there too.

And, really by that aspect, what married guy cheats that is a good guy? So I can connect those dots, maybe a little more differently than stated.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:49 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

I never understood how some women were attracted to openly assholish behavior. OTOH, I definitely got involved with more than my share of assholes because I bought their "nice" facade.

I don't think it's healthy to place your partner on a pedestal. To me, that means you aren't seeing her as a real, authentic human being with flaws and foibles.

You might love her (or did love her), but she's just a person. Love doesn't make someone more or less than they are.

I never understood how some women were attracted to openly assholish behavior. OTOH, I definitely got involved with more than my share of assholes because I bought their "nice" facade.

Yep. I've just about decided that it's not that my picker is broken so much as I take people at face value. I don't go all CIA on someone to try and prove that they actually are who and what they say they are. Well, that is past-tense, lol. I am no longer so trusting, so that facade would have to be extra good to mess with me now.

In my own experience when I was an asshole I was VERY popular with the ladies, when I was a nice guy is when all the abuse happened.

X1000. Right there with you man.

This might raise some hackles, but, speaking for myself, I remember hearing men talk, all the time, about wanting to find a "good girl". And then pursue the sluttiest looking/acting girl 10 minutes later at the party. They were lying to themselves, they didn't want a good girl, they wanted to get laid, and to have a "wow" experience doing it. I think it's pretty similar, you want a "good girl" but you do nothing but kick game and bar crawl? Well... WTF?! Is that really what you want, or is that the RIGHT THING TO SAY you want, while, at the same time, pursuing what it is that you actually want (a girl who's wild/crazy in bed)? In my experience, it's often the "right thing to say" that's completely at odds with the actual desire.

Now, when it comes to LTR/marriage, it's more in line. I want a good girl, and I married one. And she wanted a good guy and married one. But was that just a compromise? I love f**king bad boys, but none of them are good husband material? I love having crazy/kinky sex, but none of them will stop sleeping with anyone who asks? IDK. Even in my own personal case, I'm really not sure. But at least I can say, when I was dating, I never said "If only I could find a good girl", because, that was not what I wanted, at all.

Well, RIO, why is the fun girl you can hook up with not marriage material? What is a "good girl" and a "bad girl"? Is a woman not good because she will have a sexually adventurous night with you before you are romantically invested? This sounds a lot like the Madonna/Whore complex.

I agree with Dee.

Women aren't one dimensional. Some of us like romantic relationships and LTRs and authenticity, and also crazy kinky sex hanging from the rafters on the first date.

I don't know if there is a difference between what men and women want between the sheets. No one wants bad sex; though I know many men who would say there is no such thing as bad sex.

But no one in a marriage has to settle for bad sex. Learn to communicate and work out the details and great sex can be had.

RIO, do you really think a “good” girl can’t also be good in bed? Or is that simply how you personally define “good girl”—one who is a sexual bore?

My dating history isn't as eventful as some others( ex-wife was my only serious relationship so far) but in my experience, the answer is No.

What women prefer in a partner in my opinion: physical attractiveness, ability to hold an adult conversation, honesty, serious about life( the wandering type might be good for a fling but not long term),attentive. Order might be different for different women.

Just about everyone dislikes assholes. Not gender specific trait. What makes someone an asshole varies on the individual though.

IMO age plays a role.

18-29 years old......bring on the asshole/bad boys.

30+ years old......time to settle down with the nice stable guy.

The guys I know who are very successful with women are “assholes” and target the younger women.

It's called living in a fantasy land. Having spent 20 years with the king of assholes, I can assure you it's not fun. Quite the opposite really. Sign me up for kind please.

I know this response lacks eloquence and meaningfulness, but I will say this to anyone engaging in "assholiness": Run Forest Run!

The ones that get to be a FWW are smart enough to abandon their excuses and figure where THEY went wrong

36, I think this hits the nail on the head. You can do all the ruminating and mental gymnastics you wish, but its meaningless unless your WW does the work to fix herself. From your description, shes done zero work, despite the passage of years.

Seriously, what does she want from you? A mulligan? There is no mulligan from infidelity. Either you embrace it and address it as a more or less permanent third person in your marriage, or you move on.

36, I think this hits the nail on the head. You can do all the ruminating and mental gymnastics you wish, but its meaningless unless your WW does the work to fix herself. From your description, shes done zero work, despite the passage of years.

Seriously, what does she want from you? A mulligan? There is no mulligan from infidelity. Either you embrace it and address it as a more or less permanent third person in your marriage, or you move on.

BFTG:

While my original post may sound like it is directed solely toward her, it's not. It certainly applies to her, but I think I might ask this question even if she hadn't had sex with her POSOM. Part of my observation is also based on spending over 2 years on SI, as well as my personal experience.