SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks, 1stwife.

He's giving away his sexual energy to other people and depriving me of intimacy. I don't even know that he's attracted to me and I never will know bc he's such a liar. And if we ever reconciled I would not be comfortable having unprotected sex with my own husband.

Addicts are such liars.

Who knows what other ways this lack of empathy will manifest itself in the years to come? Will he abandon me if I get sick? Steal from me? Leave for work one day and never come home?

Exactly the lack of empathy is what has been most disturbing to me. I can totally relate (((skeetermooch)))

yes - my STBX knows I'm now on 4 psych meds due to this trauma and he's seen me sobbing for days and hyperventilating and he's still not sorry, still wants to list every thing I've ever done that was imperfect to make excuses.

It's bizarre and inhuman.

The only 'apology' that I got from WH is 'I'm sorry you feel hurt'.

WTF?????????

Take some responsibility dude!!!!!!! What about 'I'm sorry I HURT YOU'??

I have finally come to accept that he can't give me what he doesn't have. He doesn't have the capacity to accept responisibility (because 'it just happened' ya know). Once I came to this understanding, I was freed from waiting for any meaningful signs of remorse.

((((skeetermooch))))

I hope you feel better soon, i can understand how you feel too.

((Skeetermooch))

His addiction is not personal.

Hard to believe I’m sure.

The way I see it, when it's one that does this much harm and could literally kill you with STDs, it doesn't matter whether or not he thinks it's personal. It's definitely personal.

It is personal. He told me the other day how he wanted to disrespect me the way he felt I disrespected him. He wanted to treat me like a mark, he said.

First off - he can't articulate exactly how I disrespected him and secondly, this is beyond a fucked up way to deal with someone you love.

He has so much rage that is totally hidden until he doesn't get things his way or feels slighted somehow.

How can he be telling you anything Skeeter? I thought you were no longer taking his calls. Can't you see how pointless any communication with him is? His only purpose in it is to tear you down. Stop letting him do that to you.

Only immature people “in fact revenge” in the way he did.

No contact. Forever. NO talking. NO communication except via text if you have to. And then you should wait 24 hours to respond.

skeetermooch I agree cut off the contact. Do not allow him to berate you in any way going forward.

I'm IHS right now and if my STBX get's within an inch of criticizing anything in regards to me or the M I won't acknowledge him or I leave the room. I will actually end conversations mid conversation if they are headed downhill.

Go No Contact

He has so much rage that is totally hidden until he doesn't get things his way or feels slighted somehow.

A very prominent quality in narcissists.

I know - why am I talking to him?

I'm two steps forwards and one step back at this point. I don't know if it's the short length of our marriage - a little over two years - that has made this so hard for me to process or what it is.

Reconciling that this person I adored and married and trusted with my life is basically a pathological monster is taking me a lot longer than I'd like it to. Maybe because the shock is so intense and the pain so excruciating - it's really hard to do the cognitive piece and accept this as reality. I still can't entirely believe this is happening.

What other time in your life are you forced to accept someone you love isn't the person you thought they were at all?

Maybe those of you married 20 years are even more in shock than I am, or maybe over decades you saw glimpses of their pathology. I didn't see any glimpses. God, I was a sucker. In hindsight he played me with his boyish charm bs.

I'm pretty lost is all I know. I've don't have much family - I can't lean on my children obviously. I feel like a burden to my friends. He was my main person - my support system, maybe the only person I fully trusted.

I could go back to him - it wouldn't be a stretch. I hope I don't.

You have new ones. Us. I mean that.

It seems like it should be so easy to leave a narcissist when we see their evil side, but it's usually not. Narcissists (if your H is one or has many of the qualities) also have a good side, a fun and charming and charismatic side. I understand why you are struggling, Skeetermooch. I have fond memories of my narcissistic exes.

But . . .

When we try to forget the monster side and ignore it, just overlook it and look forward to the good parts, things actually deteriorate faster. The mask slips more frequently, the insults more common, the hurtful stuff seems ever more present. I am sorry to say that since you now know the truth, you will not be able to unknow. The monster lives in him. There is just no salvaging what you thought you had when he wore his mask because you know it's a mask. He knows you know. He stops hiding his ugly side, and you suffer.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 8:18 PM, December 27th (Friday)]

You have new ones. Us. I mean that.

Thank you, Charity.

When we try to forget the monster side and ignore it, just overlook it and look forward to the good parts, things actually deteriorate faster. The mask slips more frequently, the insults more common, the hurtful stuff seems ever more present.

This is true. Whereas I never saw this in him - he never called me names or attacked my character - now, he does and often.

Other things, he was doing all along but they were subtle enough that I dismissed them. Since we've split up it's more blatant. I can see him setting up situations to arouse my suspicion or create jealousy. He just keeps upping the ante.

Today I found out he sabotaged a prestigious grant we applied for (and I believe had an extremely high probability of getting)by ignoring their requests for additional information. He was the contact person. I've been asking him for three months if he'd heard back and apparently they reached out to him twice - the last time two months ago and he ignored them.

He claims he doesn't know how he missed their emails - the guy who's continually glued to his computer and phone. I don't believe him.

When I said I was disappointed he told me to "shake it off." Asshole.

I've been asking him for three months if he'd heard back and apparently they reached out to him twice - the last time two months ago and he ignored them.

He claims he doesn't know how he missed their emails - the guy who's continually glued to his computer and phone. I don't believe him.

When I said I was disappointed he told me to "shake it off." Asshole.

He's punishing you. Passive aggressive attacks that you don't even know are happening. He is willing to hurt himself to make sure it hurts you; he finds hurting you that satisfying.

Scary stuff. You cannot reconcile with this type of person. They are too dangerous. You will be much wiser and find an amazing new partner. This guy is toxic.

I used to think hurting me was about his hurt, but then I realized that hurting me was about hate. It was, "Who the f@ck do you think you are to do this to me, Owning?" It's hatred because he thinks you have NO right to hurt him. Ever. Scary stuff.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 12:54 AM, December 28th (Saturday)]

The rage you see has been there since childhood. He thought marriage to you would “fix” all the bad things. You had the audacity to be a normal person. You didn’t have a magic wand that makes his misery go away so everything must be your fault. I was talking to a therapist friend about people like your husband and she said they are stuck in childhood. They are so retarded emotionally that they always respond with, “It’s not my fault!”. She said the sexual acting out, the fault finding, are coming from a child in a grownup body. If you can look at your husband as someone who will probably never grow up it might help you to let go.

He's punishing you. Passive aggressive attacks that you don't even know are happening. He is willing to hurt himself to make sure it hurts you; he finds hurting you that satisfying.

I was thinking back to what was happening at that time that he ignored the grant request and it was right around when I told him he had to move out. So, pretty clear what he was punishing me for.

And telling me he "missed" the emails was another fuck you. Park of him wants me to know he did this. He's daring me to accuse him so he can have another excuse to lash out and call me crazy. I didn't take the bait.

The rage you see has been there since childhood. He thought marriage to you would “fix” all the bad things. You had the audacity to be a normal person. You didn’t have a magic wand that makes his misery go away so everything must be your fault

It's definitely all my fault in his eyes. It's to the point now where he doesn't even address the cheating - every interaction is a list of how horrible I was and how going forward he will have complete autonomy, I am never to question him, not look at his finances and must trust he's doing what he should be. I can't complain, must initiate more sex but also not pressure him for sex, he can travel on his own just to get away/for fun, etc. etc. He literally wants to live in a way that is the opposite of accountability and partnership and does nothing to redress his betrayal.

He told me I was controlling and then said I wasn't but I make him say things like that - I'm very, very confused as to what he actually believes about me and what is just lashing out to hurt me.

He had so much freedom in our marriage that he was able to cheat on a weekly basis for the duration. He listed what he wanted our life to be going forward and it was a list of all of his projects and goals and at the very end he said when he needed downtime he would spend it with me.

He has somehow taken his cheating and used it to gain more power and control in our relationship. Initially he shared passwords and agreed to do whatever he needed to reassure me, but he's changed all of those - he will not reassure me, he will not be transparent, he will not tolerate my mistrust. I am to sit on a shelf until he wishes to take me down.

I don't understand what's happening to my brain - I was clear that he was wrong for cheating and now it's a grey area. I was clear that he needed to be transparent to reestablish trust and now I am afraid to assert myself. I was barely talking to him until I saw him on xmas morning and suddenly everything shifted back to talking again and some assumption of reconciliation.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. I was moving out of it, getting clarity and now from a few conversations I'm worse than I ever was.

I want to go into a residential facility but my daughter is coming from Europe in two days and won't be gone until the 10th.

[This message edited by skeetermooch at 9:37 AM, December 28th (Saturday)]

omg skeeter

It's definitely all my fault in his eyes. It's to the point now where he doesn't even address the cheating - every interaction is a list of how horrible I was and how going forward he will have complete autonomy, I am never to question him, not look at his finances and must trust he's doing what he should be. I can't complain, must initiate more sex but also not pressure him for sex, he can travel on his own just to get away/for fun, etc. etc. He literally wants to live in a way that is the opposite of accountability and partnership and does nothing to redress his betrayal.

It sounds like he wants a sex doll that occasionally has a conversation with him.

That about sums it up, Sakura - except not even sure about the sex doll part so much as he clearly prefers to get that elsewhere.