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Thanks everyone...just feel stupid. This shit never ends does it?

And I don't feel like swearing, I'm not even angry right now, just kind of defeated.

He got pissy when I called her his girlfriend. Insisted he only dated her for 8 months in 1988 and I was being a bitch. I reminded him he told her multiple times he loved her and she was his soulmate throughout our marriage and up to October 2018. Maybe I was being a bitch but it hurt when he said he was going to text her back despite my asking him not to.

This all ends when you say it does. Get out. Not basing this on this post alone but all of your posts. Get out. Make the move. Get therapy and get a plan with your therapist.

It does suck, and it can end.

You don't need to feel stupid. We all have been there. There are a lot of silly gooses out there that are very good liars.

You are on your way to something better! I wish I could give you a hug now.

I’m triggering for you. Happened to us too. After 2 years. In our case LTAP made a fake profile with a fake name. And fake profile photo. So it wasn’t obvious until you clicked on it and her face was in the photos section. WH didn’t look. I did.

And took screenshots and sent to OBS. Through that discussion I learned that she’d been cyberstalking us for 2 years and trying to copy various aspects of our lives. It was downright creepy. I’m back in IC because of it.

Then I told WH. When I shared details I’d learned of her copy cat behavior he looked green around the gills. It prompted him to contact an attorney In our case a Cease and Desist letter was sent.

All this to say - how your WH handles this is only a part of your problem. His LTAP is still phishing and is hoping he bites. That is a problem.

Chaos Apparently it was a perfectly feasible reason to contact him...you know a small piece of jewelry that was given 33 years earlier. That she NEEDED back, like now, 33 years later.

I feel like I need a Ron Burgundy Gif "That escalated quickly"

Now that he has confirmed he hasn't grown at all and doesn't care that it hurt you, what are YOU going to do. Who the hell cares what he wants to do or does at this point. He had an opportunity to show you he cares and instead, he showed you he does NOT care. You deserve better.

Wow. I am so sorry.

This level of disrespect... Ugh. Grrrr!

Since you are posting in the Reconciliation forum I am assuming both you and WH want to reconcile.

I haven't been around much so I haven't seen your posts about your whole situation. I am sure I have read some of them as you have been here awhile. So, take this with a grain of salt and assuming you are/want to reconcile your marriage.

As you may notice my d-day was 2010. It has been 11 years since d-day. We are happily reconciled. However, it certainly wasn't linear. It was a freaking roller coaster. Especially when an unremorseful AP keeps popping in and out of your lives to keep you unsettled. If a NC letter hasn't been written it needs to be. If it has, as Chaos commented, you need a Cease and Desist Letter.

It takes a long time to undo lifelong habits/behaviours. I couldn't expect FWH to change overnight. It was a process. Sometimes torturous and ridiculous. I had made a line in the sand about lying. In short, MisterSister lied about throwing fucking fish guts away. I came to SI a wreck because I had to divorce him because he lied. ABOUT. FISH. GUTS. Thank goodness the dear members here talked me down. This was about 2 years post d-day.

Another time, FWH was invited to a private memorial for the father of one of his H.S. BF's. I was not really invited and even if I had been I wouldn't have gone. The sister (daughter of deceased father) of H.S. BF was a wanna be OW to FWH. Anyway, I told FWH I didn't want him to go. He got very angry and upset. Went outside mowed the lawn and came back in. He apologized and wanted to talk. He said he knows he was angry when I expressed I didn't want him to go. I used to be the cool wife where he could go anywhere. But, than he realized he was actually angry at himself. He was angry that he caused this situation that I was uncomfortable with him going somewhere an OW would be and he couldn't be there to support his friend (who he really doesn't have a relationship with for 30 years now). He took his initial anger out on me. Which has almost always been his go to response. Angry and defensive. But, he realized it and talked to me about it. Progress. Slow but sure. Three steps forward and one back.

That is how our reconciliation worked. I think that is the way a lot of reconciliations work. It is a process with lots of stumbles.

ETA: I think you handled the situation exactly as it needed to be handled. You were authentic. That was brave of you.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 8:17 PM, August 3rd (Tuesday)]

I wonder what he could do that would make you leave.

NorthernMSB this absolutely sucks.

How horribly triggering for you. How dare this woman invade your life again. This isn’t about some crappy trinket. Grrr!

I’m so sorry he just can’t see how much this hurts you. For what it’s worth, I totally agree with sistermilkshake you did EXACTLY the right thing, you were authentic, honest and gave him room to show his growth. It annoys me that he has turned this against you and now his mask has slipped.

This inherent ‘control’ thing is typical in a lot of WWs. This idea that reconciliation and it’s terms ‘controls’ them, so we as BS control them. It’s still still all about him isn’t it?!

I’m angry for you.

Thanks again everyone for talking me off the ledge. I am just sad now. He deleted the message and I don’t know if he actually answered her. Maybe this is the start of another bout of contact behind my back.

I am tired of this shit. I actually thought we had reached a bit of understanding and that I mentally had moved on a bit. I guess not.

Onwards! Things to do, work to be done.

I am just sad now.

Please, please, please get into IC and get help with this. You should be angry, not sad. You are in an abusive relationship and cannot see it. There's not enough room in your tagline for all of his betrayals.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 6:37 AM, August 4th (Wednesday)]

I agree with OIN. You need IC. This will likely culminate in another round of contact but he's covering his tracks because he knows you're watching. He did tell you he would answer her later, didn't he? So expect him to do that.

Thanks. I don't do IC, not interested in it, and not my thing. I am 100% aware of my personal issues and foibles. And of his.

He certainly might start contact again, nothing I can do about that and he could be doing pretty much anything at any point anyway right?

I will just be more careful in the future about getting close to him at all. Really stupid to think we actually made any progress, lesson learned.

NorthernMSB...(((HUGS)))

I will just be more careful in the future about getting close to him at all. Really stupid to think we actually made any progress, lesson learned.

You will get close to him again because that is how this works. You need to break this cycle and leave him.

Do your family and friends in real life know about this? Do you have the support of girlfriends in person?

Counseling helps, I understand if you don't want to do it but it could likely help you very much.

Would you read some books? There is a book called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend and it isn't too therapy heavy. There is a workbook you can get with it. It is good at showing us where our boundaries need work. Your boundaries are for you, to keep you feeling safe and secure.

You are in an awful relationship and I am so sad for you. I agree with the post above, you should be pissed. You are abused. I wish much better for you.

R isn't easy but there ARE posters here that have a husband that would have been just sick to see a message from their AP. There are posters here that have a husband that would have said "let's respond in a way that makes you comfortable and lets her know not to contact me". Those husbands are R material. Yours is not. Mine is not.

stubbornft I have a sister who knows. My mom died 14 years ago and my dad died in January. No friends, didn't make relationships a priority. His parents and sister knows about him getting caught 2 years ago but it was of course my fault and they never said a cross word to him.

I have read countless books.

I actually wasn't mad at him when the text came up. he didn't ask for it and probably wouldn't have seen it for weeks. What you said about an appropriate reaction is dead on. His reaction and attack on me is the issue here, not her pathetic attempt at contact. I know he isn't R material, but I need more time.

What you said about an appropriate reaction is dead on. His reaction and attack on me is the issue here, not her pathetic attempt at contact.

Absolutely!

Northern, I like you. I hope you know that. And that is why I am responding to your thread. The most frustrating part of this to me is that you are acting like you are 108 years old and it is too late to do thing. I understand it is hard to get out of a marriage and you can't just up and leave your life today. I wish you would come up with a plan and hold yourself accountable to a date. And I wish you would make some friends in real life. You are in your early 50's. You have time to create a whole new world for yourself. Join some meetup groups and make some girlfriends. There was a time in my life when I didn't make female friendships a priority for lots of reasons. Once I made an effort to do that, it made my whole life better and richer. You are not out of time.

You are worthy of love in all forms. There are women that would love and cherish your friendship. Don't let yourself be frozen in place. Baby steps are still steps. Put a date on your calendar. Free yourself.

I agree with the people above that you were being authentic bringing it to him. You are a good person and you want honesty.

I also would have talked to my WS about it right away. Not sure if it is authenticity for me or because I, as the young people say, have "no chill" lolololol