SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Who turned the texting sexual?

If the OM, what was her response?

Did they meet up over the weekend prior to the party? Can you account for her time over that weekend?

Dan, How are your daughters? How are you?

You're in a great state of mind and handling things like an absolute champ.

If I were in your shoes I would be noodling at least these 3 things:

1. Can you accept her known conduct so far? i.e. the physical contact she's confessed to.

2. Was her contact with Monsieur Spring Roll beyond this? It seems like she accomplished an awful lot in a mere 11 days, so how much more happened, if anything, that she hasn't told you?

3. Was this her first affair? It just seems odd to say the least how this went zero to 60 so quickly and how she went right to page 147 of the cheaters handbook to pull out the fake name in the phone trick. Maybe it was her first time and luckily you nipped it in the bud before it took off. Or maybe as others put it this wasn't her first rodeo.

Given that your WW is now a confirmed liar and cheat you won't necessarily get the truth on either points 2 or 3 from her mouth. It will have to be a thorough look through her phone (other text strings with others?), phone records going back through time looking for other numbers, perhaps a PI, and certainly a required written timeline with poly confirmation.

I would also consider using a VAR in her car to see if she talks to friends about what happened. That would be the time she would talk about the full extent of this affair and possibly others you didn't uncover. Though again, perhaps it was only these 11 days and this one schmuck. We all certainly hope that was the case.

Dan, I wish for your own sake you will manage to stay separated, because any contact with this lady is no good for your mental strength. She wants to get home not to comfort you and honestly admit the depth and breadth of her infidelity, but to control the outcome of your decisions in her self-serving way. I don't see anything about you in her motifs, because if you and your daughters were her major concern, she would give the space to be alone and figure things out. And, honestly, it not realistic to expect this empathy and sanity from someone who was proactively deceiving you up until just a few hours ago and who is still not honest about her motifs and actions.

Did she give you a detailed timeline, including her way of thinking and their sexual encounters (at least making out and kissing)? How did she describe her encounters, especially the Tuesday kiss she mentioned earlier? What have really happened on Tuesday, so as on Monday and each other day of the past and the previous week?

I suppose you have an idea of what they were planning on Friday night and what she has texted to him while taking a shower before the party.

Rather than playing detective now, I would spend some time to figure out how you are going to support yourself, and how you are going to take care of your daughters. They certainly need to meed a counselor to relieve their pain and confusion and figure out how to proceed.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 3:16 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:43 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]

Speculation:

She was attracted to a foreign guy, she thought that if she’s careful enough, she could have a little adventure and nobody would get hurt. The guy is leaving soon anyways, so a “stranger in the night”, a “romantic” secret adventure. She’s not “in the fog” because it’s only been 10 days, sh’s not really in love, it’s just fantasy fun.

Things didn’t turn out the way she thought, all of the sudden she’s losing her job, her marriage, her husband and her daughters don’t speak to her anymore.

Her world is falling apart and it’s 100% her fault.

She’s in a panic. She finds out where her supervisor lives, she wants to quit and avoid the embarrassment of going back to work to quit while everybody looks a her sideways. She also quits to try to salvage her marriage.

Again speculation, she would probably read and implement “how to help your spouse heal” and would agree to any conditions, similar to a Walloped/ Miss Walloped story.

You have done a wonderful fearful job. Stay strong. You got practically everything. I bet this guy has a woman he targets everywhere he goes.

It started when he sent her a text saying "I would love to see you out of those scrubs" and she replied "just different clothes or naked?"

Thanks for asking about the girls, they are doing good considering. We did talk last night about how they felt about the thought of not having Mom home for Christmas. They said that they would understand.

I started reading your thread the other day as it was unfolding. There were so many similarities, it brought me right back to my own dday and how I felt. That feeling is visceral. You are doing way better than I did. I should have kicked out my WH. I don't have anything to add to what others here have already told you. Try to take care of yourself despite running on pure adrenaline at this point. How are your daughters doing? (I've been in their shoes too). Just wanted to send a virtual (((hug))) to you and your daughters.

As for the "dick pic" at first I thought it was a spring roll.

that was great

(ETA-oops, sorry, must have cross posted. I see you just mentioned how your daughters are doing)

[This message edited by Along4TheRide at 3:42 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

Hi Dan,

The guys who provide IT support for the department that I work for have been doing so for a few years. We know each other, we chat by email and messenger (whenever there are problems to fix) and also during projects when the system is being improved or expanded.

You said that this guy was at that office before, doing a project before your wife worked there, so he is probably the 'go to' guy for their IT support. Therefore, it seems likely that even if he was not physically in the office before the beginning of December, there may well have been contact between him and your wife about work stuff that may have become more personal or flirty before he was ever 'in house'.

That would certainly make more sense than him walking through the door as a complete stranger to your wife, and within a day or two she is hopping in a car with him, having lunch with him, getting into clinches with him, and planning for more.

The man was supposed to be working, so how did they build up that much of a rapport within hours of his arrival? And if the majority of the people in the office are female (as you noted at the party), why did he focus on your wife so quickly if she was totally unknown to him? If you walked into an office full of women you did not know, which one would you be taking to lunch the next day?

My hunch - and yes, it is only a hunch - is that there was already a comfortable relationship (via work email or phone) between them before he arrived, during which your wife developed the fantasy that she mentioned. As soon as he arrived, they kicked it into a higher gear, using their own phones for the kind of material they would not want to exchange via work email.

The way it played out was like she was waiting for him to arrive, and the second he did, it was game on. If she already had a fondness for him, and had been formulating her fantasy, it would not matter that he was a bit homely in person, because she had already moved beyond initial attraction in her mind. However, if they were totally unknown to each other, why would she have pounced so quickly on a homely IT nerd that she knew nothing about?

The other element that may give you more information is any location software that might be on the phone. Does it have Google maps, or any other software that might indicate where the phone was? Given the way things were between them, I would want to verify the gym evenings that occurred while the OM was in town.

She is pleading to come home.

It is up to you, Dan, but for your sake it may be better to have her away from you and your home as you get your thoughts together. Also for your daughters.

Whichever way you eventually choose to go, it is wise to get advice from a lawyer so you know how the different options would look.

Your daughters sound wonderfully supportive, bless their hearts. I am glad they are bearing up alright in what must be a tough situation for them. They seem incredibly well-balanced and mature.

Edited to add:

It started when he sent her a text saying "I would love to see you out of those scrubs" and she replied "just different clothes or naked?"

I wonder what his bosses would think if they saw the way their representative behaves with clients? It is no wonder he is being so quiet! If you pressed this, his job would be toast. So I do not think you are going to hear anything more about your discussion with him. He has way too much to lose.

Also, no man - unless he is mentally unstable - would send a message like that to a woman unless he thought it would be welcomed. Do not forget that the phone messages are not the whole story. You have not heard the contents of the phone calls, what was said in person, or the body language and other signals that were exchanged.

[This message edited by M1965 at 3:43 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

Glad your girls are doing ok. They will be bending over backwards to care for you. Let them do it and give the same back to them.

Her text about out of scrubs or naked make me think this is not her first time stepping out. That is brazen and a truly shocking response to his inquiry. A poly may clear up any doubt about previous cheating.

How would an IT guy get a chance to chat up a nurse - and ask her out to lunch?

It’s not a full blown affair, but it easily could have been. The difference between them having sex and not is probably your choice in attending the party, who knows what might have happened if something didn’t set you off and she successfully talked you out of it. Y

Your WW’s serious lack of boundaries is very concerning, considering all this happened in a duration of less than 2 weeks ago.It needs to be addressed if you are leaning towards R.

Your daughters are amazing, they sound like very intelligent and mature young women.

If it were me, I’d try to get a sense where your WW’s head is now that a couple days have passed. Has she given up on the marriage? Sounds like a strong possibility. If so, the road forward for you is much clearer. If not or she’s unsure, then while things are more complicated, you at least have a better idea what the future holds. Also need to assess your feelings on the matter. For me, a PA was not a deal breaker because I had young children and it seemed better to keep the family unit intact if possible. With older children like you have, and I now have, divorce was much more likely. I really only cared about what was best for the kids. Turned out that the two daughters moved in with me and my son stayed with his mother. Everything is working out for now as we continue to be separated and on the way to divorce.

Ouch ...he knocked and she responded by opening the door. Not the response of an innocent wife.

She must have given him her number because the first text is him confirming what time they were leaving to lunch.

What did she tell him at that first lunch --the day after she met him-- that they would be holding hands on the way back? Why she was soliciting his attention from the beginning? Her first task tomorrow is to get herself some IC while you are consulting a lawyer.

As for them already knowing each other. I'm pretty sure that this guys team was sent down to get a new system up and running and he has to help every user acclimate to the new software. She would not have had a reason to have any contact with this guy before Monday the 3rd. I think he was training her the first day and it went from there.

I don't think that my girls have ever nicer or more attentive to me then they have been these last few days. They are still mad at her but we all know how things can change. Their mother has not been able give her side of the story yet.

[This message edited by DaninOH at 3:53 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

Hey Dan,

Late to the "party" no one ever wants an invite to. Sorry you find yourself here and what a freaking whirlwind. I guess that's how it goes for some. Some it takes awhile to figure this shit out, some it takes mere seconds.

I just want to encourage you to slow your mind down in your decision making. There is nothing saying you have to D tomorrow or even file papers. Of course go and find out what your options/rights are, but take a moment and breathe. You have been through a trauma and sometimes when we've been through a trauma we don't act rationally. Not to say you aren't behaving rationally, I just know there are kids involved here, and everyone in your "home" needs to take deep breaths.

This woman whether you like it or not is the mother of your children and those children need to somehow come first. So I encourage you to take a step back from her, from the drama, from everything, love on your kids and give them the support they deserve They are going through a trauma too. They may seem tough on the outside and understanding, but they are going to go through a whirlwind of emotions, set in motion by your WS' poor choices.

I did tell my wife that she needs IC and I did mention the Poly and she acted like she was ok with it. She said that she would have me a complete timeline by tomorrow. I took the advise from some of you here and told her that I wanted the timeline to include what she was thinking and feeling at the time.

I hope what you describe is the o it thing that happened. Texts may or may not indicate that. She may have used messenger or other programs and then deleted the content. Snapchat, too. This is the difficulty with these things that unless your WW confesses everything you will never truly know the extent. It’s the infidelity curse for us BS.