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You're doing the right thing.I can't imagine anything that would make this situation reconcilable, not a thing. Be there for your son and have as little contact as possible with STBXH, and zero contact with son's ex fiance.

Hang in there , your life is about to get better.

Holy shit. I had to look a few times to be sure of what I was reading.

I'm so sorry for you and your son. You are strong and you will take care of each other to get through this mess. I'm glad you have decided to divorce - there is no way this could be overcome. There is no question that he damaged the family beyond repair.

You are incredibly strong NYgirl. Make sure you do something kind for yourself. Self-care is huge after a shock such as yours...

NYgirl, I believe you are following your gut. This is a tough one. I'm keeping you in thought, wish I could help in some way, we are here to listen and offer support.

Peace Be With You

Ah honey, I'm so very sorry. This is a family betrayal that is so immense, that it should be inconceivable. You're instincts, I would have to say, are correct. Your poor son has already lost his father. Actually, he's been thrown away by his father. I'm glad that he doesn't have to lose you as well. Because I see no way in hell that he could keep you in his life, as long as you were married to your WH. (((hugs))) What a shit-storm your WH CHOSE to throw all of you into.

NY Girl.

I'm so sorry about what your WH did to you and your son. That is so messed up and sad.

You and your son just need to be strong for one another.

Just keep breathing NYgirl!

You and your son will survive this ---

Keep your family and friends close and please continue to post here at SI -- your story is so heartbreaking and we're all sending you loving, healing energy to you and your son.

Good for you, nygirl. There's simply no way to reconcile in this case without betraying your son, I agree. I'm sorry. This is a lot of change in a short amount of time. Sounds like you have some support irl, that's good. Be very kind to yourself.

I relayed what happened to you to my parents. I'm 49, my parents have been married over 53 years.

First, my dad was appalled that a father would commit such an offense against his own son. It was unthinkable to him.

Secondly, my mother agreed that you should seek divorce, and fully support your son. He is the innocent, young victim here. Keep moving forward NYgirl. It is the only way.

I'm not surprised you are choosing to cut your WH adrift and get divorced. Take things step by step, sort and separate your finances (asap), deal with insurances and bill paying. Keep records and copies of everything. Keep a diary of events and conversations. When you see your lawyer, take all the financial details with you, including pensions, savings, debts. Everything.

You will find great support and advice down in Divorce/Separation. Use it. They are a super bunch of people. Again, keep reading in the healing library and keep your thread going here for as long as you feel you need/want to.

We are all here to support you. Hugs to you - and your DS.

I'm so sorry. I'm glad you and your son have each other. You will get through this.

Do you have other children? If so, how are they doing? I hope you and your son both obtain some counseling. This is way too big a betrayal to get through without help. Also, both you and your son need to get tested for STD's. Please see an attorney asap. Did your son live with you before? Is he back at home with you now? No one should have to be put through this level of betrayal -- neither you or your son. I cannot imagine what your WH was thinking. He not only betrayed his wife, he betrayed and devastated his child. He lost his son; he will never get that back. You, on the other hand, get to keep your boy and your future grandkids, because your son will eventually recover and rebuild is life. Please keep us updated; you have over 50,000 new friends who care about you.

Do you have other children?

NYGirl; I just read this thread and I cannot tell you how very sorry I am that you and your family is going through this. I found out about my husband's affair with his ex girlfriend, (a friend of mine from my teenage years) three years ago. I was completely blindsided and leveled. He confessed a month and a half later that he had had another short lived affair with the same woman 12 years prior. It cam out that my mother in law gave this old friend my husband's work number after she confided that she was going to divorce her husband. After my husband ended it the first time, my mother in law tried to get him back together with her.

I share this because for one, the betrayal was not just that my husband had an affair, but also that this old "friend" and my mother in law were active parts of the betrayal as well. While this is NOT nearly the same as the betrayal that has happened to you, it is relatively extreme even for this site, and I want to share with you that you will get through this; you and your son together. There are a few very tough stories involving friends and family members in addition to the spouse here and all are survivors, getting through the pain and moving forward. You both need as much support; therapeutic as well as from family and friends and it will take a lot of time, but you will be amazed by your own strength.

The other reason that I share my story with you is that I live in New York as well and while I cannot obviously relate to all the details of your story, I can serve as a support in real life as a person who is surviving having been betrayed by her husband. Just being able to have a person to listen to you as you process this is so important. I truly believe though that the only way I survived the beginning weeks and months is with the help of my Individual counselor and if you can gather the strength to speak to a few on the phone to find a good fit for you, I think that can help both you AND your son tremendously.

Please do not expect too much from yourself right now. Try to eat a little bit even though the thought of food may be very unappealing. Make sure to drink too and let yourself rest if you need it. And please reach out to your son often; there may be a lot of therapeutic value in processing what has happened to you both, together. Good that he is telling his story, to those close to him; he is processing this without the shame of secrecy and I think that this will be very healthy for both of you. After over 20 years of marriage and being shocked by betrayal, this is so unbelieveably disorienting. To find out that it happened with your son's fiancee.... I can't imagine. Please keep posting; so many wise souls here who can offer guidance and support. The rest of us can at least send our strength and support your way.

I'm so sorry that you and your son have experienced this level of betrayal. I think my situation is bad but I've never read of any others like this. I'm sure there are but I haven't read about them.

You and I were betrayed by our spouse's. Your poor son has bein betrayed by his own father and the woman he chose to spend the rest of his life with. I can't imagine. The only positive I see in this is that it happened before marriage, kids, life together. Chances are they would have continued after marriage - just for fun.

I was so happy to read the post you made yesterday. I'm pro R but, IMO, there isn't a chance in this case. This is so depraved. I was happy WH is gone. Choose son over him.

You've received a lot of very good input on this thread already. I don't need to repeat it all. I just hope you listen to it.

I strongly suggest you and your son need to get into counselling. I can't imagine your son not having PTSD from this double trauma. But, I believe you need counselling, too. I know I sure did and continue to need more.

Trying to send you strength of mind and clarity of thought. Look after yourself and your son and let him look after you, too. Find strength together. Follow the advice here. I usually advise to not make major decisions when emotional. I think here you should move fast and decisively.

My God, I can't believe the depravity.

I caught my husband cheating with our son's fiancée a few days ago.

You caught him in the act?!

i just want to give you my support. what happened is terrible beyond words. a husband who betrays is horrendous yet your WH must be some piece of work!!!He can have no moral compass or even care about his son and wife.

UNFORGIVABLE!!!!!!

Look after yourself and your poor son.

I am so glad that you kicked him out. I am also glad you have loads of support around you.

Your son is going to need you. You are going to need him. Support each other. Y

our situation is one that boggles my mind. How horrible a person must become to be able to betray both his wife AND his son at the same time.

I don't see anyway that your son will ever be able to forgive his father and you are making the right decision to stand by your son over a man that is capable of hurting so many people.

He is one very messed up man

I honestly can't believe the depths some people with sink to in order to "scratch their itch". I am so sorry that this happened to your family.

Your son's relationship with his father is over, you know that right? Even if you stayed, which I am so glad you aren't, you would never recover from this, it would eat you up inside. That's no way to live. He deserves to end up alone.

Please take care of yourself. I know you have to interact with the POS husband/father, but try and leave it to your attorney, just the thought of him trying to plead or explain or especially excuse his actions, make me want to vomit,you don't need that.

Your son needs you more then ever now, but don't be hurt if he attacks you also, he's going to lash out, understand it just hurt and he doesn't mean it.

Let yourself grieve the end of your marriage, but please don't let yourself be swayed by "what you thought it/he was" just remember what he DID. There would be no chance of reconciliation for me in your circumstances. Sorry

Dear NYgirl,

So sorry to hear this. I am a father of a young boy. And I my wife has been cheating on me (that's why I am in this place). I can not imagine what your family must be going through. I am very sorry to hear your story. Absolutely horrible.

There is something seriously wrong with your husband for him to be able to do this. Maybe he has a brain tumor. I mean this is behavior is way out there (unless he has been doing this for years and just got caught now). To harm you and his son in this way is beyond the Pale.

I do agree with some of the other posters, that you and your son should seek individual therapy ASAP and do what you can to support one another. That bond is too important to disrupt because of the selfish actions of your husband. Your son needs a mom now, probably more than ever. And you will need a sense of connection and that there is something still good in this world after such a monstrous betrayal.

I hope you and your son can take care of each other and remain close. I wish you both peace and happiness in the future. I am sending you strength and love.

As for your husband (unless he is a true sociopath) he will suffer tremendously once he realizes what he has done. If that is the case, I wish him a long life.

If you believe in God. Pray.

There are others with a lot more wisdom that me on here. Follow the advice that you can and take care of yourself and your son.

Griz