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Ugh! I forgot about the more frequent testing. Grrrr.

We did the phone call. AP was not planning on canceling the trip, so H said he's going to cancel & not go. (She couldn't rearrange her time at work or get a refund on the plane ticket.) She acted surprised that H would cancel.

H asked if she'd told her BS yet. At first she said yes & that he was in IC but then said that he didn't know. So, H asked point-blank again & she said yes. (Not sure that either of us believe her.)

H told her that this would be the last contact, unless there were a family emergency. Any family events will be considered as they come up.

Then she started going into her "healing & reconciliation" speech & I let her know that my bitch boots were on. She could try to justify all she wants but it doesn't change the fact that she slept with my husband, who is also her brother.

She tried to sweep it under the carpet & said a few more things to justify her actions and you could tell from the tone of her voice that she had absolutely no remorse.

H said this is the end of the call & hung up.

Unbelievable!!!

I told him that I'd go ahead & cancel the plane ticket, but we probably would lose the money. He said that it was a small cost in comparison to our M. He could hear that AP had no remorse & neither one of us are sure if she's told her H.

I was shaking by the end of the call but so glad the NC is now pretty much set up. I let H know that it wouldn't surprise me if she tried to contact again because she was more upset about the loss of her AP than to any damage she inflicted on anyone.

RIGHT NOW I'M REALLY MAD!! Time to go pet my puppy & call the spa to set up to use my gift certificate on a massage.

You need to expose her to the rest of the family.

Just saying.

No family reunion. No matter how much he wants to reconnect with his birth family. It's just too costly. He's sullied himself. And she helped. But her family should know her for what she is. A cheap. Unrepentant. Whore.

Well, of course she's going! Your H has brothers that she hasn't met, yet...

Don't think that I'm being catty, either. Odds are, if she's done it with one of her brothers she's open to at least considering the rest.

Your H is _not_ that special a snowflake, after all.

Read up on the "Karpman Drama Triangle" and do be careful to watch out for trauma/pain bonding creating a false bond between you and your H as you both align against her.

Remember, he's not your friend, yet. She betrayed her H and you, He betrayed you, too. He hasn't proven himself trustworthy, yet. Not by a long shot.

Sorry late to the thread. Is there economic disparity? My thoughts are she is out for money. I get why you want to keep the secret but I would tell the other siblings out of fear of her doing the same or blackmail. She has no remorse at all.

Also, you both seem to believe what she says about not being able to arrange work, get a refund, etc, as her excuse to not cancel her trip, as she previously said that she would (If I Remember Correctly).

In fact, sit back and think about this - why do either of you waste one precious brain cell in believing _anything_ that she says? She's already admitted to two A's on her BS. Why do you think that she'd bother for one second telling either one of you two the truth as opposed to just saying whatever she wants to say / what she thinks that you want to hear / what will best suit her purpose of the moment? You two caught her in lies about telling her BH, after all...

At least the Karpman Drama Triangle has pictures - LOL. I'll read some more.

There is some income disparity, but not enough to make much of a difference. We're both middle income, but we do have more money.

If we go to the reunion in July, there are stipulations because H knows I don't trust him yet.

When H said he wasn't going, you could hear in her voice that she was thinking that she could rearrange her schedule so they could go at the same time. Then when he said that when she goes, he's not - and the tone of the conversation changed. He thought he was a special snowflake to her.

No bonding over this, just trying to adjust to the new reality. You'd think you could trust a family member, but it's going to be a long time before I'm able to trust anybody.

But, tomorrow is another day.

Thanks for the explanation of the different trips Lea.

You appear to be handling things very well. I just wanted to let you know that if you wanted to take an even stronger stance with your WW, it would not be inappropriate.

What do I mean by that...? If it were me, my WS would have lost his chance to reconnect in the near future with any of his biological family.

To be honest, if he were truly remorseful he should be telling you “the next two years minimum are about us healing, and we don’t need any other new influences in our lives to f**k that up. Until I’ve made you feel safe again, I am putting any family reunions, group or Individual on hold.”

Then you should both be in IC and eventually MC to figure out and fix what went wrong.

I would not feel comfortable with him ever having moments alone with any of the female siblings or any other women for that matter. If he would have sex with his biological sister, the first of many long lost siblings he has met, then how can you trust him with just acquaintances or new friends, let alone other newly met sisters in the next few years until he gets real help.

I want you to know it’s perfectly reasonable to tell him that you are no longer comfortable with his plan to meet his biological family. And make sure you tell him that it’s him and his actions that screwed this up, not anything you did.

If he wants to have a chance at saving his marriage he should be focusing on that the next 2-3 years and nothing else.

This was not a Wayward kiss in a parking lot or at a bar. This was heinous and should not be swept under the rug.

I wish you good luck.

Thanks for the reminder Stevesn that this was an unwarranted attack & shouldn't be minimalized.

K8la - Right now, I'm agreeing with you about the cheap unrepentant whore piece. (That was yesterday & it's under the blood. No, you're justifying your actions.)

I was shaking at the end of the call - but it was a smack in the face to H that AP was unrepentant & only looking out for herself.

I was shaking at the end of the call - but it was a smack in the face to H that AP was unrepentant & only looking out for herself.

Good. Maybe him beginning to see OW for what she truly is will help him to see the affair, and his role in it for what that truly was also. No excuses, no reasons, just a betrayal of his wife and marriage vows and maybe his own integrity too. Then he needs to work out why he chose that path.

I absolutely would out this woman to at least her husband too. Having your husband on board with the idea will completely cut any ties or feelings of bonds with her (that exclude you) and show her (and you) where your husband's loyalties lie. However, I'd do this anyway, with or without your husbands help because her poor husband deserves to know who the woman he's married to really is.

Sorry if I've missed this, but were the family all adopted out or just your husband? Do they all know each other and the reunions are designed for them all to get to know your husband, or have they all been separated and all just reuinting now?

Going forward I would not attend any family events ever that OW were going to be a part of. After what has happened I don't think there can be any contact with this woman at all - ever. No gatherings, no Christmas cards - nothing at all.

Well, yesterday evening was certainly exciting! Now he's beginning to see her for what and who she is (possibly he is, anyway). Perhaps a couple of subtle or not-so-subtle verbal reminders of what he was throwing away for a cheap roll in the hay are in order?

How are things going today, leafields? Have you talked with a lawyer, yet? Made an appointment? Considered any lawyers to make appointments with?

What sort of things is your WH doing to try to learn what thoughts of his allowed him to betray you?

Last night, H came up to me & said that he couldn't believe that AP was willing to argue about the NC.

Before the call, I was pressing for details and found out that this was her third A. When I said, "Oh, she's a serial cheater" it was something that had not entered his mind. (The look on his face was very revealing.) I was reiterating about the coming clean on the timeline & some details. He is saying that he doesn't remember any other details & we discussed TT. I repeated several times that if I find out more, it reinforces that he is a cheating liar.

He agrees that the OBS needs to know because if the tables were turned, he would want to know. Do I mention to OBS about the other two affairs that I know about? (One male & one female.)

I've got the numbers for a couple of attorneys to call. It seems so final, even though I know that it's only a fact-finding mission at this point. Today I will have the house to myself & be able to make phone calls. We are in a "no fault" state, and even have the option of filing on-line.

H has said that IC is covering the emotional roller coaster & preparing him for the coming months. (Like me asking the same questions & that one minute we'd be fine, then not fine.) I haven't asked about details but did ask him to go over the NC issue that was coming up.

I would concentrate on what you have proof of and offer him copies of at least some of the proof, enough to corroborate what you say.

Be aware, however, that AP is her own person with her own agenda. She might have painted the two of you as evil nuts who are somehow, some why, hellbent upon destroying her otherwise perfect life with her BS.

Usually the reveal is done via some communication method that the AP cannot interfere with, such as a registered letter (so you know when it is delivered) to his work mail, or an email to his work email, rather than a letter to his home.

If at the end you add something like:

I have no proof at all about this next thing, but my H says that she told him of two prior A's. You may contact me at (some throwaway gmail account or similar that you created just for this).

You can publish your phone number in your communication to him -but- you might not want him to have it. AP has it, so he might get it from there.

You're going to get other opinions on this so please read them. My words are most definitely not divine.

We are in a "no fault" state, and even have the option of filing on-line.

You might be in a no-fault state but do you have children? If so these circumstances should factor into custody. This is not a healthy environment for children to be exposed to. No child should be confused about what is an appropriate sibling relationship and if you're not around your WH and his AP/Sister will probably go back to their A.

I'd want to keep my children away from that particular crazy.

Devotedman -

Because OBS is also my BIL, I was thinking of calling him. I think I'll wait and discuss with my therapist (next appointment not till 5/4.)

Beenthere - the AP/Sis lives in another state, so that is a little consolation. With the NC, the resumption of the EA won't be an issue.

My "baby" is 23, so we don't have any littles in the home. In case of D, the division of property and any spousal support would be the tricky part. Home was just paid off, H has pension that I'd like, but I make double what he does. Or do I use it as a bargaining tool & say that I won't go after your pension if you don't take alimony? Just musing on a question for the lawyers.

Appointment with a lawyer tomorrow afternoon. Will find out some options & start setting some ground work.

Deleting due to duplicate comment

[This message edited by leafields at 11:52 AM, April 26th (Thursday)]

Your husband retiring early May create the idea of an easier life. Be very aware. You might want to consider getting a cease and decease letter. She is a bunny boiler. Could be borderline personality.

Thanks for the warning, PricklePatch. I'm watching for her gaslighting, too. I hope that we won't have to deal with her, but have a feeling that she's just biding time.

Devotedman -

Because OBS is also my BIL, I was thinking of calling him.

Yes, he is your BIL. My mistake, wasn't thinking of that. However, if you're not in the habit of calling him -or- if AP/SIL/WH's sis has mentioned anything of the NC to him, possibly painting you and WH as the crazies, he might ask her about you calling and just let you go to voicemail.

Granted, you can't control what will happen. You can consider possibilities, likelihoods, and plan for them, that's all.

I think I'll wait and discuss with my therapist (next appointment not till 5/4.)

There are a lot of therapists who suggest minding your own business. Such therapists should be ignored is the common SI opinion on the matter. My personal opinion, too, FWIW.