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Maybe confront in a public place or with a friend or relative with you if you choose to do it at your home. VAR recordings can be unclear , ambiguous, subject to misinterpretation. You could do both, actually, record with a witness present.

There is no doubt you have busted her completely. Cut your losses and jettison her asap.

I think you should not confront. If you want a divorce get one. Stay gone this weekend and call your atty first thing Monday. Find out the fastest way to have her served and when she is all hysterical and asks you why just tell her you don’t want to be married to her any more. There is no reason to give any info. You know she is cheating. You know she cheated because she wanted to. Garden variety cheater. You share few assets with her. Confrontation is going to give you indigestion so don’t do it. Wasted time, wasted emotions. You don’t need that.

Be sure to make copies and mail them to the OBS after your ws is served.

Make sure you do this swiftly. The longer you agonize over this the more stress on your body.

Yes, I agree. No need to confront.

Things are good. They still got a word document or something.
I wouldn't complicate this all that much. But I would get that "boss" fired, unless he owns the place.

It's time for her to go off with lovey dovey. He's soooo perfect.

Meto: Good luck on your confrontation. It might be a good idea to copy the secret word document so you have some backup evidence. Especially if you intend to push this to human resources, which I suggest you do. I completely agree with Bigger on this one, what the upper manager is doing is predatory in nature and he'll never be called to account for it if everybody keeps it all their dirty little secret. I'm sorry for his wife, but, eh, maybe he shouldn't be sleeping with his employees, then. Best of luck, keep your cool and keep your anger in check. You have the upper hand here.

I’m going to try my best to explain the last 24 hours.

Yesterday, my wife dropped the boys off at her Ex’s after school. However instead of returning home, she phoned me to say that her Ex had asked her to stay for the weekend and help him with the boys because he had broken his leg earlier this week, and is pretty incapacitated and especially because his wife is away on business until Sunday night.

This didn’t bother me at all. I know what their relationship is and what it isn’t. That wasn’t the issue. It was just … little ‘spider senses’ in me, as every hour crept by, first whispering at me then full-on yelling that, basically, she was lying somehow.

So I texted her around 6.30 to say, in a playful way, "Send me a photo of you and the boys." First, she left my message unread until about 8.30; second, she didn’t respond. And third, when, an hour after she had read it, I texted, ‘What the heck?’, she sent me a stupid photo of herself—a super close up just of her, which could have been taken anywhere, anytime—and that was it.

At that point, an increasingly nauseous feeling was permeating my entire being. At about 11pm, I couldn’t take it anymore. I drove over to her Ex’s. Her car wasn’t there. Sick, just sick, I then drove over to her boss’s house (he and his wife have hosted a few parties there, so I know where they live); they’re about 8 minutes away from my wife’s Ex. Her car wasn’t there either. Nor was his car, but then he has a big garage so it could have been there.

I was sort of relieved, but mainly concerned. Where was she? Then it hit me so obviously: I drove to ‘their’ hotel. And what I saw just floored me. There was her car, in the lot – not a few cars away from his.

I’m ashamed to say that I just sat there crying for … I don’t know how long. I am not a crier. It was quite a strange feeling. I don’t know how long I was there. I must have had hundreds of thoughts go through my head. But it also felt like I did no thinking at all. As much as the shared document and the amassed experience of this forum both served to prepare me for what I would be seeing, the truth is that nothing should prepare anybody for that type of discovery.

I took some photos, and even took a video. Whatever.

I went home and collected myself as best as I could. I tried to sleep, but I could not sleep. Around 6am, I knew what I had to do. I stopped by the hotel to see whether their cars were still there; they were. I took more photos and drove over to his house. 95%, it was so that I could share what I knew with his wife. 5% of me thought he might come back to his place and I could confront him in front of his wife.

One part of me would have been fine with confronting him. I have never committed any type of physical violence ever in my life. But he would be a very appropriate place to start. I sat on the edge of his driveway for over an hour, and then suddenly I saw curtains being drawn and lights going on in his place.

My walk up their driveway to the front door was, honestly, one of the most courageous things I felt I have ever done. I knocked and his wife looked understandably surprised to see me. But when she realized it was me, she was in fact very warm and asked me if everything was okay and why was I there. I told her that I needed to come in to chat with her.

I think what emboldened me further was that when I said that—that we needed to chat—I could tell by her reaction that part of her already knew what I would be sharing with her.

I won’t go into detail about the whole ‘reveal’, out of respect for all the emotions both she and I were processing in such a short space of time, but basically I saw her go through the initial Stages of Grief in about 10 minutes: shock, pain, anger and sadness for sure.

I showed her screenshots of their shared Word document. She believed its authenticity right away because of the way he wrote and certain affectionate expressions that he also used with her! It was more difficult to show her the photos of the cars at the hotel, which I did first, but it had to be done.

She said that he told her on Friday morning that he had been called away to a nearby city for an unexpected series of weekend meetings with top brass. He was very clever: he told her he had to stop by the hotel en route to the airport and would just leave his car at the hotel for the weekend.

Why wouldn’t he just pick my wife up at her Ex’s? I suppose the whole thing about her Ex needing her help for the weekend was a total bunch of crap. She probably dropped her boys off and went straight to the hotel! Of course that’s what happened.

I feel like such a fool. How could this woman who shared my bed, my house, my life … how could she lead a double life like that, without me knowing? And what is so great about this guy that makes him worthy of such an incredible choice (the choice to take all the steps she must have taken, one by one by one, to cheat)? I am arguably ‘better’ than him by every superficial standard out there. And I am definitely better by objective standards.

Anyway, she is going to spend the next few nights at her mother’s. She doesn’t know how she is going to proceed. She says she will confront him, but has asked whether I feel comfortable confronting my wife first – and that, once I tell her how that goes, she’ll riff off of that.

Yesterday, I had full appetite for the confrontation with my wife. But I don’t have the heart for it now. I am torn between screaming at her for hours or simply never seeing her cheating face ever again.

She texted me a few minutes ago with some stupid imogis—saying it is a lazy Saturday where she is. What a fake, duplicitous, lethal serpent. And what a crazy risk-taker! I suppose she is banking on the fact that I / we don’t really ask the boys for a debrief on how their week was at their dad’s, when we get them back on Fridays, but it’s still so risky. Imagine liking a man that much that you would take those levels of risks for him.

While I am prepared to confront her, I can say that this is not in any way what my energy systems want me to do. I want to disappear to a cabin in the wilderness for a few months and never see my wife again. I am impressed with all of you gentler, more forgiving, more gracious souls here who can contemplate Reconciliation in the wake of such trauma.

I can’t. I am done. For me, this is completely deal-breaking and there’s honestly nothing my wife can tell me that will change my mind. I want to destroy her and her lover. I also want to never think about these two scum ever again.

I am feeling very sick about confronting my wife. Yesterday morning, I felt 100% clear on how I would proceed with the conversation. Now I am a wreck (despite being resolved about this marriage being over).

Sorry for how long and rambly this is.

Leave right now. Find somewhere to be for the rest of the weekend and go see your attorney first thing Monday morning. Confronting her is just going to tear you apart and you don’t need that. You know you’re going to divorce her.

I always worry about people who have this trauma and how much it tears them apart physically and mentally. Your body will pay the price if you continue this. Please don’t confront her just get rid of her by divorce. Your new life starts immediately after you do.

I am so sorry that this weekend of Valentine’s Day is the hell you are living through.

If you have the ability read Lying by Jonathan Wallace in the Ethical spectacle. It will tell you why her lies are tearing you apart and give you strength to move ahead.

Good luck.

Your WW is gorging on cake. She believes her supply is infinite. Well done on informing the other betrayed spouse, sounds like you confirmed some suspicions. Now she can make choices that are reality based.

If you are done, there is no need to confront her. If you can leave home for a few days do it now. You are in turmoil and she is having the time of her life. Time for that to end. Text her and ask her to send you a picture if her with her AP (call him by name). Then text her a picture of the vehicles at the hotel. Then go full no contact until you are ready to return home. Tell the OBS what you are doing. Tell your lawyer to file. When you go home only talk about divorce details, nothing else. Protect yourself financially (credit cards, bank accounts, beneficiary designations). Good luck.

I am sorry your WW turned out to be a cheater of the first order.

I agree with Cooley2here, why put yourself through that torture. She won’t care. She will lie, blameshift and gas light you. Find a safe place to be until Monday. Schedule a meeting with a D attorney as early as possible and start the D process. This will give you a feeling of progress and doing something.

You don’t need to interact with her at all or confront. Take care of you. No contact means no new hurts. If she calls and texts just refer her to your attorney for any further communications. And then block her. Don’t waste your time with a confrontation. I feel for the emotional trauma you have already endured. Get yourself into IC and work on healing.

Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 2:32 PM, February 12th (Saturday)]

Please see your attorney first thing Monday morning. File the necessary papers and have her served. Personally, I would let her be at work when sh is served along with all of her clothes. Let her know that her lover can provide a room for her and she should l t her boys remain with their father for the time being until she can figure out arrangements. Then block her immediately from being able to contact you, other than through your attorney. If your relationship is amicable enough with the boys, then speak with their father and explain to him what has happened. You owe her nothing and more than likely, she will try to use the boys as a tool to gain your kindness and compassion. Do not fall for it, the boys have a place to stay. Stone cold gray rock time. Good luck as this level of deceit and disrespect is absolutely disgusting. Do not listen to the lies about to come your way.

As the last poster said, protect yourself financially. She may drain what accounts she can. Change passwords of any accounts in your name she has no rights to access. Consider putting a temporary stop on the others if the balances are high enough that you don’t want it all lost. I am not saying leave her with no funds. If she has a personal account I wouldn’t touch it. If credit cards are shared put a stop on it. If there is a redraw facility on a mortgage, same thing.

[This message edited by straightup at 9:00 PM, Saturday, February 12th]

"Confront" means different things in different situations. Confronting a WS when you need to learn more information to decide how to proceed is one thing; confronting a WS when you have already decided to divorce is another.

If you've decided to divorce-- and I don't blame you, I'd have made the same decision by now-- then 'confront' just means whatever you want. You don't need to collect evidence for a trial. You don't need to ask for details that may very well just supply grist for depressing mind-movies. You don't need to understand why she's done this, when the answers may very well hurt to hear, and potentially cause self-esteem issues (cheaters almost always edit their own memories to justify their behavior to themselves, so when they tell you 'why' the sought out an affair, it's usually much more unflattering to you and to your relationship than reality is).

You get to decide for yourself what you want out of it. I would say, don't go "pain shopping", and convince yourself that you need to hear things that aren't actually helpful. Sometimes, a BS consciously or subconsciously believes that they must somehow be at fault, so they ask questions to justify that belief, rather than to accomplish any good purpose. Make sure you understand why you need what you think you need.

The confrontation could be as simple as, "I know you've been having an affair. Honestly, our marriage is dead, so I don't particularly care about any of your motivations or any of the details. Take a day to process it, and then we need to work out what the divorce is going to look like, and how we're going to live and deal with each other until the divorce is final." Or it could be much more involved-- it's up to you.

Other people will give practical advice about protecting yourself financially, speaking to a lawyer before speaking to her, etc. I honestly don't have any opinion on all of that. All I want to convey is that you don't owe her anything when you speak to her; you don't owe her a chance to explain, or time to rage and vent, or anything. If you know you're getting a divorce, your talk with her should just be about what you need to get out of it.

I am literally shaking just reading your account. I'm reliving my DD's. I confronted my ex-wife both times I caught her. My advice is to just email or text her that you know of the affair and you will be serving her shortly with divorce papers. Tell her to get her shit and leave your house now. Check with your attorney first, but it at some point notify personnel at her place of work concerning the affair and the likelihood it was carried on during business hours. Tell her that the AP's wife also knows of the affair.

Go see family or friends right now. When she responds to your email or text only discuss how long she will have to pick up her shit and clear out. I would tell her that you do not want to see her ever again except during the marriage dissolution process. Stop her dead in her tracks when she tries to direct the conversation in a different direction. Have her pick her crap up at agreed designated times next week. Tell her you will supply her with the cardboard moving boxes. See if you can get her to go stay with her ex-husband until she finds another place to haunt.

Close all joint checking and savings accounts immediately. Cancel all joint credit cards now. Do it before you send the email/text.

You are going through hell right now. This will be as bad as it gets. You must now take care of yourself and get her out of your life as soon as possible.

[This message edited by src9043 at 9:30 PM, Saturday, February 12th]

She will lie most likely. We had to go to the hotel for work. Plans changed with my ex. Word document was harmless flirting.

Tell her fine. You can take a poly next week if you like to clear up the misunderstanding.

Sorry for your trauma.

Congratulations on exposing the posom right away. Very good work.

You may end up on a seesaw of feelings about D or R. That's ok. One way or the other, drop the hammer on your WW now. Text her and tell her it's over. Ruin the rest of her weekend. Tell her D is on it's way. That gives you back some of your pride and gives you some leverage. You can always decide to offer R later, if you choose. But announcing D right away offers many advantages for you, restores your agency and gets you on the path out of infidelity.

Damn I’m feeling this post. Even now, years from my own DD in 2013. I remember, exactly, my feelings of overwhelming doom.

Control those emotions and don’t do anything stupid. Stay composed just long enough to execute a very tactical exit strategy. Don’t compromise yourself. Don’t expose yourself to the many forms of manipulation common of WSs. She’s gonna throw everything at you, some of it very provocative. She will attempt to provoke anger, lust, guilt and desperation. She’ll try and get you to second guess yourself and even blame yourself. Brace yourself. If you plan on D, the least contact with her the better.

Preserve all that evidence and maybe collaborate with the OBS.

I know you can’t possibly see this now, but things will get better. Much much better for you.

I agree with the idea of ruining the rest of their weekend.

This weekend is humiliating for you and obs, so why not take control?

"I know where you are, who you are with, and what you are doing right now.

The humiliation stops now. You have 15 minutes to get home.

If you're not here in the next 15 minutes, then never come back, your stuff will be on the doorstep.

If you come immediately, I agree to give you 1 month to arrange your departure. If you choose this option, you will sleep in another bedroom and we will have to say why to your son.

We will divorce in any case. Papers will be done tomorrow and served in a near future. I want no discussion. I want no "why" and no "sorry". Consider our marriage is over because of your affair and that I want you to get out of my life.

Oh, and his wife also knows and is pretty upset so he should do the same if he wants a chance to save his marriage."

[This message edited by jujuchrist at 10:27 PM, Saturday, February 12th]

I also second just texting her now and ruining the rest of her weekend.

It’s already bad that this is valentines weekend. You don’t want confrontation on Valentine’s Day. It will be permanently ruined for you more than it will be this close to it.

Tell her to pack her shit and get out and disappear for the weekend.

The kids can just stay at the ex. I would tell him what happened. Let him explain to the kids what happens over her telling them.

They are her kids so you will not be in her life anymore if you D.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

Ruin the rest of her weekend now and vanish. You can argue later.

I’m so sorry.

I’d send a simple text.

"I’m having the divorce papers drawn up. Enjoy your weekend with Bob. By the way, his wife knows too. I’m not interested in a life with someone who is a cheater. I hope you find your happiness. I’m going to work alone on healing from what you have done.

No need to respond. I’m not interested."

And then go silent.

I believe honesty is the best policy.
No games. Their not worth it.

She’ll have years of work to do if she decides she wants to repair this destruction. I can’t imagine she has that in her. You can’t make her, so no reason to try.

Meet with the lawyer Monday and ask for the papers to be served and start finding a good trauma therapist to work with.

Take care and keep posting.