SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Among other things you are struggling for control. Appearing unannounced and wanting to talk is her taking control.

Dont argue with her even if you think she's lying. Just listen and let her talk.

You're not prepared yet for a serious relationship talk. You will pick the time and place and topics because it gives you control. It's not today.

Getting into a discussion on her terms time and place gives her control.

Tell her you need time to process what happened and to decide whether you want R or D.

It's fine to say if you had to decide today it's D.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 1:18 PM, December 17th (Monday)]

Look into both Sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333. Should be available in walmart and bestbuy. Read manuals on how to silence them from any beeps first before placing, also placing tape over led lights.

Google for attorneys that are willing to discuss over phone for some basic divorce advice. I've done that and paid a flat hour rate for basic questions. You'll want to meet in person for the hiring process anyway.

I have a Sony ICD-PX333 from Office Depot. Actually had two, but she found one. Small and good battery life. Remember that it may not be legal to record someone without their knowledge depending on your state, so be prudent. Super sensitive recording.

Be sure to take all steps to hide the VAR. Ohio is a 1-party consent state, which means one of the two people participating in the recorded conversation must be aware of the recording. Since you would be neither, strictly speaking, it is illegal.

I have been watching with fascination how many of us jumped into this story before it even got started good. This just happened, you have barely taken a breath, and now you have a gazillion of us telling you what to do. Here’s my suggestion. Pay attention to the age the two of you are. It has a lot to do with hormones. It has a lot to do with a new job. And it certainly has to do with age. Women began losing estrogen and in their 40s it begins to drop fairly quickly. That’s when the small amount of testosterone in a woman’s body makes her more assertive. In the meantime a man in his mid-40s has lost some testosterone and his softer side comes out. Neither of you are aware of this but it is going on in your bodies. It is a naturally occurring process. Instead of assuming that your wife is the worst person in the world why don’t you look at this as an aberration that she has never done before. You have no proof that she has ever cheated before. What you need to do is ask her how she felt and why it escalated so quickly when she knows better. She is probably horrified at what she did. He probably gave her a jolt to have a man pay attention to her in that extremely focused way. She went from being a normal middle-aged, middle-class women, to someone a new man desired. Why she let it go past friendship is a question she needs to ask her self. One thing you need to know is that every single person who has come on this forum has screwed up somewhere in their lives. Think about it. Do you,or she, really want to throw away your marriage over something that in the long run was just utterly stupid? It really was an absolutely Ridiculous thing for her to do. Just don’t do anything you will regret later on. She probably owns the market on regret right now and I would imagine has a great deal of remorse as well. This is so painful for you for the person you love to do this but I don’t think it is the end of the world. Breaking up your marriage without thinking it through might be.

I've stayed off this thread intentionally. I've had a series of thoughts, but Cooley2here (above) said pretty much exactly what I have been thinking. Give it some time. Talk to her.

One additional question you should ask her now is if she took the opportunity to dispose of any evidence that you were not aware of from this affair or previous affairs while she was at the house alone.

[This message edited by Atrowspark at 1:46 PM, December 17th (Monday)]

I agree with Atrowpark, What was she there for ? Picking up toiletries and old family pics or destroying evidence. Since she has been gone, what have you done to secure the house ?

While hormones could have certainly contributed to her cheating (along with the profession that offers little room for personal growth), how do they explain her lies or willingness to have a boyfriend while having a husband on a side?

Come on...

Her testosterone mixed with AP's soft side made her do it, so let's give her a pass? Minimizing it bc nothing happened is insane. Why did nothing happen? Bc OP had to MAKE IT not happen. What if he took her suggestion and didn't go? Would it all still be just an aberration that's utterly stupid and should just be overlooked? Sure, sex didn't happen, but not bc his wife didn't want it to. It didn't happen bc her husband had to cockblock her! Still think he should just give her a pass?

And regardless of nothing happening at the party, this is still a PA. Or does getting your vagina massaged by someone other than your H not count as cheating?

Jesus....smmfh....

[This message edited by GoldenR at 2:24 PM, December 17th (Monday)]

Now I understand why my wife started fucking other men at the age of 45. Thanks!

I also wonder how one can regret a divorce? Divorce is not cheating, it can be reversed. What you cannot reverse is years lost due to lack of emotional intelligence and strong will to change your life for the better.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 2:43 PM, December 17th (Monday)]

She probably owns the market on regret right now and I would imagine has a great deal of remorse as well.

Cooley2here, read the Regret vs Remorse threads. Remorse isn't something someone can instantaneously obtain. It is earned through honesty, transparency, and consistent actions over time that prove the WS is putting the BS and their healing first.

Right now we have no idea if she's being honest about this A or any others. Honesty and transparency are prerequisites to remorse. She also hasn't had enough time to demonstrate consistent actions focused on fixing the mess that she has created. She could give Dan lip service today and turn around and contact OM tomorrow. Or she could get on board with R and in a month tell Dan he's no longer allowed to talk about it and has to get over it ASAP for her to continue to be married. See how both instances are situations that could be seen as remorse yet are nothing like what remorse actually is? You can't be remorseful and have an ulterior selfish motive like that which is why we caution people from seeing remorse in every positive thing the WS does close to DDay. Too often it doesn't last.

The girls and I just got home a few minutes ago. She is not here, but there were three envelopes on the counter with each of our names on them. Looks like she thoroughly cleaned the house and did our laundry.

The oldest ran to her room and read her letter. She is on the phone with her mother now. My youngest, like me is a little scared to read hers.

I did get the phone number changed and had her old number transferred to my old phone. She did get a text today from a girls name that just said "are u ok?". Thats exactly what the OM said on the phone friday night. Should I respond?

I also picked up a Sony Var at BB on sale for $39. Not sure how to get it into her car though. I guess I will get to reading. Not going to be easy.

[This message edited by DaninOH at 2:59 PM, December 17th (Monday)]

Do not respond

Don't give yourself away

See if any more texts come

I would give her phone back and monitor

You may want to sit down with your wife and watch her type out and send a NC email or text to the OM. And even though your wife already resigned you might want to consider informing HR about "Jennifer"

read the letter. it might be a letter of goodbye, indicating suicide.

[This message edited by JustObserving at 3:02 PM, December 17th (Monday)]

I was shocked at how quickly this went bad. I think that Cooley2here is right. We don't know your marriage, we dont know your situation and you are shocked and hurting. Most of us have been there, but we all have different ways of handling this. Some are more constructive than others.

I agree (having learned the hard way) that you shouldn't take her at her word, but the affair may be an aberration. If it is, both of you will likely be glad that you sensed something was off and stopped it from going any further. It does indicate that you are close enough to immediately see and respond to a change in her behavior and that she is not good at lying to you effectively. Also, as bad as it is, this affair (if what you know is all there is) was of really short duration - a blip in your marriage. It is hard to have that perspective now but I think that you need to take some time to process it and decide what makes sense for you, your girls and your WW. It could be that your marriage was weak and this is the last straw, or it could be that your marriage was strong your WW is truly remorseful and loves you and you are willing to work towards forgiveness. Good luck.

Find out if she confided in anyone else, if she did then some of her friendships might need to be re-evalusted.

Chances are, these are the apology letters that Dan put on her To do lit